Category: Pot

Yale U: "Hey! Let’s Spend $385,000 of Taxpayer Money Studying Duck Ding Dongs!"

Disclaimer: I am not an economist. I am a Dumbass.

Having said that, being a Dumbass does not mean one is stoopid. On the other hand, being a Dumbass doesn’t necessarily preclude one from being stoopid. Unless of course one is speaking of the Federal Gubmint. But I digress.

Back to the economist thing…I am not formally trained in the field of economics. I am, however, well versed in the field of poverty. For example, I have a budget of “x” number of dollars each month. I gotta make do with “x” number of greenbacks or face the consequences. If I only have “x” dollars to work with, but I actually spend “x + 1” dollars, I have Officially Gone Into Debt. This is not a good thing. Since I have gone over my budget by a dollar, I have to either work to make a dollar to replace it or I have to cut back by a dollar on something else.

Pretty easy to understand, right?

Not if you are the Gubmint of the United States of America.

Let me splain.

Economy in the Crapper

I am not alone in not being a learned economist. There are at least 535 others just like me. And they all walk the Halls of Congress in Washington, DC. These men and women, elected by the people of our Representative Republic, have put this country in debt by over sixteen trillion dollars. 

This is what $16 trillion looks like:

That’s quite a stunning visual aid, ain’t it?
Lift Toilet Lid, Flush Money  
We could sit here all day and all night arguing about where to make cuts to the Federal Budget. There’s enough fraud, waste and pork to go around for all of us. But! There is one place I’m sure we can all agree on that goes beyond the pale, even for the U S Gubmint: the Study of Duck Dicks.
Yep, duck weenies.
The Gubmint of the United States actually paid almost $385,000 to Yale University to study various aspects of duck penises. Here’s some of the actual text from The Duck Ding Dong Study grant: “The project examines how reproductive morphology covaries with season, age, and social environment in a diverse sample of duck species that differ in ecology, territoriality and breeding system.”  That’s fancy schmancy Snooty Ivy League School Talk for, “Hey, fellas! You know how we can spend $385,000 of taxpayer money and have fun at the same time? By “researching” duck dicks!” 

If you think I am drunk and/or making this shit up, see for yourself at recovery.gov. <—–see that? (.gov) That means that this web site is run by the very people who voted to grant $385,000 to one of the most prestigious universities in the world to play with duck dongs! Talk about your Duck Dynasty!

Oddly enough, this is not our first foray into feathered friends foolishness. In one of our earliest Dumbass News stories, a Fwench guy was caught feeding marijuana to the ducks on his farm. In that story there was not one mention of Gus the Duck and Pot Guy getting his ducks stoned so he could take a close look at their peckers. 

Perhaps Gus should apply for a job at Yale.
Or the United States Gubmint.
Dumbasses.

***For Other Exciting Ways the Gubmint spends YOUR money, here’s a list of mind blowing ways your taxes get flushed from The Political Commentator***

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Lawyer Pulls Joint Out of Pocket, Drops It – In Court Room!

Best of Dumbass News
  
“The first thing we do, Let’s kill all the lawyers” – Dick the Butcher in Shakespeare’s Henry the Sixth. Before you all go accusing me of being a smarty pants, let me assure you that I am just as big a Dumbass as you are. I knew the quote, I simply “googled” to find the specifics.

I bring this up today because there’s an attorney in Nawlins (that’s New Orleans for all the Yoopers in the audience) that probably wishes he was dead about now. Why?

Let me tell you why.

It Fell From His Pocket

Jason Cantrell is an assistant city attorney for the City of New Orleans. He was in court the other day when something most unusual, even for a court of law, happened. He was “in conversations” in the court room when a cop saw something fall from Canrell’s shirt pocket. The cop, being the polite sort, reached down to pick the object up and guess what it was. A pen? Nope. A court document. Not this time. A joint? Yup. A doobie, a manually assembled relaxation device (MARD), a hooter, a marijuana cigarette dammit! This is a big no no even in The Big Easy.

WDSU.com picks up the story from there, City spokesperson Ryan Berni said Cantrell has been suspended without pay from his part-time position, pending further investigation. Cantrell was assigned to traffic court in his public capacity.
It is not uncommon for an assistant city attorney to work private cases in addition to their work for the city.
Cantrell ran unsuccessfully in 2009 for a seat on the Juvenille Court bench. He is the husband of current City Council District B candidate LaToya Cantrell.

Let me say here that, as is common with city lawyers, Cantrell was working as a private attorney when the joint-dropping took place. Still, this is not a good thing.Jason Cantrell
Questions Abound 
  • The obvious question is why? Why in the name of Cheech and Chong would a lawyer carry a joint on his person anyway? Keep the weed at home, bro.
  • Why not hide the stash in a suit coat pocket or a cigarette pack? Why some place where even the slightest possibility of something like this could happen?
  • Is Cantrell’s phone ringing off the hook from pot heads all over New Orleans calling his number (pun intended) 24/7?
  • Where did he get his pot? 
  • Was it any good?

This is beyond stoopid and borders on dumbfuckery. What am I talkin’ about? It is dumbfuckery.

Dumbass.

Lottery Winners Celebrate By Buying Pot & Meth; Also Blow Up House!

I some times think (dream?) of what I might do if I suddenly came into a large sum of money.

I’d like believe that I’d do some practical stuff before I went on a Dumbass Spending Spree. You know, like buy a house and some land and perhaps a new car or two. Since I am an Old Guy with two small children (girls 10 & 6), I would also open up a savings account for each of them to use towards a college education.

Then I’d go balls to the wall ape shit wasting money on cool shit. Like a new bass boat. Fish. Fear. Me.

And travel. I’d love to tour Mexico and Central America. I speak pretty fluent Spanish so this idea is certainly not far-fetched. Also, since I live only a few hours from Canada, I’d set off on a summer long tour of the second largest country in the world and her ten provinces and three territories.

The same can not be said for a pair of brothers (siblings, not black guys) in Kansas.

Hitting the Jackpot 

There are a couple of Dumbasses in Kansas who are brothers. Actually, there are thousands of Dumbasses in Kansas, many of them brothers, but I just want to focus on the two idiots relevant to today’s story. Anyway, the Brothers recently won a large jackpot in the Kansas Lottery. Seventy-five large to be exact.

I can only assume that The Brothers did not have families. I say that because of what they did with their sudden windfall. Did they sock away some of their winnings for a rainy day? No. Did they make plans to travel the country? Nope. How about buy a new car or boat? No this time. “Well, Fearless Leader”, you ask, what gives?”

Party Time! 

The Brothers did what millions of young, red-blooded American guys would do with seventy-five thousand dollars and a lot of time on their hands.

They rushed out and bought some meth and some pot! 

This is what many young people in Kansas do when presented at a moment’s notice with a copious amount of cash. Especially in Manhattan and Lawrence. I can kind of understand why young folks would do shit like this. Have you ever been to Kansas? (I think I just blew any chance I had at being invited to a University of Kansas basketball game or a K-State football game all to hell by writing the previous few sentences. Rawk Tawk Jayhawk)

BOOM! 

Guess what else our newly rich Duo of Dumbasses did upon hitting the jackpot? They blew up their house!

One of the brothers went to the kitchen to refuel the butane torches they planned to use to light their bongs. He emptied a couple of large cans of butane lighter fluid, leaking butane into the air.

“The butane vapor reached the pilot light in the furnace, and as you might expect, ka-boom,” Wichita Police Sgt. Bruce Watts said at a press conference.
KFDL reports that the injured brother’s girlfriend drove him to the hospital and then “sped off and has not been found.”

I hope we can all learn a lesson from this story.

The lesson is: the next time you want to spark up your bong, use matches, not butane! If you do you use butane, do not do so near an open flame.

Dumbasses.

***Thanks to the HuffPo***

Global Warming Causes Mental Illness, Wacky Canadians & 4 Pissed Off Women

A Dumbass Salute to You!

Best of Dumbass News 

 
Thank you Dumbasses in 142 (now152- ed)countries around the world for making the last two weeks the best ever for Dumbass News! I truly believe that because you are a tasteless bastard living in your mother’s basement, or you are a fucking alcohol addled hobo getting free WiFi from the library located near your cardboard box “shelter”, it is you that has put this blog in its current bottom feeding almost lofty status. Then again, it is my brilliant, incisive observations, or as my late Dad used to say, bullshit, that brings us all together. On the other hand, your continued support has proven to me that you are an honest-to-God mentally defective degenerate. I say that with love, so hit the Tip Jar (the “Donate” button) in the top right sidebar. I need the money. Shoot me some cheese dammit.

Enough with the touchy, feely shit. Let’s get down to bidness.

Bidness

As usual for a weekend, here are some oldies but goodies that you or, more likely, the thousands of new Dumbasses that haven’t had a chance to read, in which case you either can’t read or you are too lazy to find the stories on your own.

One more thing…here’s a Special Dumbass Shout Out to Brenda somewhere in Arkansas. She and I had a nice email exchange regarding a question about one of my posts. Judging by the way Brenda writes and some of the things she wrote in our email conversation, she is definitely Dumbass Worthy. Ooooooooooooooooooooooo pig sooey!!!!!!!

Buying Pot Online, Shipping It Via USPS = Bad Idea

Best of Dumbass News
Order Now!
I love the internet. I really do. If something can be done, it can be done on the world wide web, or the “3 Dub” as we international “3 Dub” blogging sensations call it.

Think about it, you look up the latest news, sports, weather, etc. You can locate long lost friends on sites like Facebook, do background checks on potential employees, do banking, buy pot…What? Yes, fellow Dumbasses, drug dealing runs amok on the internet. What in the name of the Patron Saint of the 3 Dub (Al Gore) is going on here?

Let me splain. puffpuffpasspass

Bluegrass State

High on the List of Cool Things to Do on the 3 Dub is gaming. Millions people from all over the Planet play games and make friends with others from far away places every day, even in Kentucky. The thing is that every Tom, Dick and Jim Bob with an internet connection and a $20 computer recently bought at a yard sale in the trailer park can access the web and do all kinds of stoopid shit stuff. Like buy pot from essentially a total stranger in a far away land named Cal-ee-forn-ya. My guess is that all Gomer in Kentucky knows about Cal-ee-forn-ya is what he “cyphered”from watching reruns of the Beverly Hillbillies and wondering how in the name of corn likker did they get those people in that little TV box.

Billy Wayne does, however, know weed and he has probably read, or should I say had somebody read to him, all about the killer herb grown on the Left Coast. This is where internet gaming comes in.

Johnny Jethro became friends with a Dumbass Out West by way of the Xbox Network for Idiots Who Have No Teeth or Socially Redeeming Value. So, what does Willie Duke do? He orders some pot from the Dumbass Out West – a pound to be exact – and has it shipped from Cal-ee-forn-ya to Korntucky! Via the United States Postal Service! Maybe Silas Curtis has heard this before, but Inspectors from the USPS have absolutley no sense of humor when some asswipe tries to make them look stoopid by shipping contraband across thre country by way of Snail Mail.

123 Main Street

Or was that 132 Main Street? Well, good ole Homer Goober got his pot shipped without a hitch – until it arrived in his hometown of Lawrenceburg, Kentucky. See those addresses I typed back there? At first glance, you can see where some one might get the two confused. 99% of the time this would not be a big deal. It’s the 1% that is a big deal that it’s a BIG DEAL. Big deal as in major prison bitch hood awaits me in The Cornhole Unit of the KY (KY! Prison bitch! bwahahahahaha) State Penis-tentiary big deal.

You see, Jimmy Jake the Internet Pot Guru lives at 123 Main Street in L-burg. BUT! The pound of pot he bought from the Dumbass Out West was delivered to 132 Main Street! The poor guy who lived a 132 Main was, to say the least, surprised when he opened the package that he thought contained that “special friend” from Big Bob’s Blow Up Doll Emporium and Green Stamp Redemption Center, only to discover over $2000 worth of Latin Lettuce. After the initial shock (and a couple of bong hits) wore off, Poor Guy at 132 Main called the local constabulary and Jakey Jim was arrested and will undoubtedly be the talk of the Cornhole Unit soon.

Advice That’s Too Late

As Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, the duty to counsel one of the minions on the proper way to avoid getting busted during a narcotics shipment, falls on my shoulders. It is, however, a burden that I was born to bear, so I do it freely and with great compasion.

Dude, there is a 100% guaranteed fool-proof way to avoid getting busted when shipping marijuana across state lines. Don’t do it, Dumbass! Good Gawd, son. You dare to call yourself a loyal member of the Dumbass Nation and pull stunts like this? Next time you decide you want or need an LB, grow it yourself! Do I have to tell you how to do illegal shit every. single. time? I am your Fearless Leader, not your fucking nanny.

Growing your own weed in Kentucky shouldn’t be that difficult to do and keep it on the down low. Think about it. Take away the populations of Louisville and Lexington and how many people actually live in Kentucky? Four? Five? Six, tops. See where I am going here? There aren’t enough people in the whole damn state (minus L & L) who would give a shit whether or not you farm a little “Blue Grass”. Why take a chance on getting popped for interstate pot selling and buying when you can grow it right out in your own Back 40?

To be sure, I am not advocating that any member of the Dumbass Community do something stoopid like grow pot (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Shipping your stash through the United States Postal Service, though,  is something that I highly recommend against. 

So, it’s off to the Big House for Frankie Joe where his new nick name (besides “Fresh Meat”) will be “Xbox Live”. And I’m sure his “Xbox” will be thoroughly “360”ed on a regular basis.

The guy is an afront to good, honest, hard-working dope-smoking hillbillies everywhere.

Dumbass.

Car Holding $425,000 Worth of Pot Hijacked!

Herb

Best of Dumbass News 

Boy, have I got a doozy of a dumbass story for you today. If the dumbass were any thicker in this story, you could cut it with a knife. So, let’s get to slicin’.

A man and a woman recently took off from Utah heading across the country to North Carolina. However, this was no ordinary cross country cruise. On the leg of their trip that found them in Wyoming, the couple was carjacked by three men in a red SUV. “That’s terrible!,” you’re thinking. Yes and no. It’s terrible that the two were carjacked, but not as terrible as you might suspect. You see, our two lovers were hauling over $425,000 worth of pot from Utah to North Carolina. Not only did they get carjacked, but almost a half million dollars worth of pot was stolen along with their car! Dumbasses. This constitutes a bad day if you are a drug dealer. Totin’ over four hundred “large” worth of weed for over 2000 miles is stupid enough, but when you get carjacked and your Latin Lettuce is taken, too, we are getting dangerously close to dumbass territory. One would think that having been the victim of this crime and somebody’s very large cargo of chronic is stolen from you, it seems like this might be a good time to thank God that you are alive, despite being more stupid than a rat’s asshole, cut your losses and get as far away as possible from the guy who entrusted you with $425,000 worth of Meskin Marlboros. The Pot Guy just might be a smidgen miffed when he’s told his pot has been stolen from his trustworthy couriers. Why he might even be mad enough to, oh, I don’t know, KILL SOMEONE!!! When the Pot Guy finds out that you called the Police to report the carjacking, I’ve got this sneaky suspicion that he’ll become even more unhinged over this turn of events.

Have you ever noticed when reading about or watching one of those cop shows, that only dumbasses haul large quantities of drugs around? I mean aside from the fact that hauling large amounts of contraband is a dumbass thing to do anyway. These two dumbasses got carjacked, but I have read a hundred times that so many of these losers get pulled over for the most minor of offenses – not using a turn signal, a brake light is out, speeding…you get the idea. But the two dumbass pot haulers in this story get carjacked, lose the pot to the other bad guys and call the cops to report the carjacking, never once (apparently) thinking that the cops might find over $400,000 worth of ganja is their car? The couple and one of the other bad guys were arrested and put in a Wyoming jail.

This has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life. I’m sitting here as I type this, still wondering what. the. fuck.?! These two goofballs give even drug runners a bad name.

 Dumbasses.

***Photo from LA Times***

Lawyer Drops Joint Onto Floor – While in Court!

“The first thing we do, Let’s kill all the lawyers” – Dick the Butcher in Shakespeare’s Henry the Sixth. Before you all go accusing me of being a smarty pants, let me assure you that I am just as big a Dumbass as you are. I knew the quote, I simply “googled” to find the specifics.

I bring this up today because there’s an attorney in Nawlins (that’s New Orleans for all the Yoopers in the audience) that probably wishes he was dead about now. Why?

Let me tell you why.

It Fell From His Pocket

Jason Cantrell is an assistant city attorney for the City of New Orleans. He was in court the other day when something most unusual, even for a court of law, happened. He was “in conversations” in the court room when a cop saw something fall from Canrell’s shirt pocket. The cop, being the polite sort, reached down to pick the object up and guess what it was. A pen? Nope. A court document. Not this time. A joint? Yup. A doobie, a manually assembled relaxation device (MARD), a hooter, a marijuana cigarette dammit! This is a big no no even in The Big Easy.

WDSU.com picks up the story from there, City spokesperson Ryan Berni said Cantrell has been suspended without pay from his part-time position, pending further investigation. Cantrell was assigned to traffic court in his public capacity.
It is not uncommon for an assistant city attorney to work private cases in addition to their work for the city.
Cantrell ran unsuccessfully in 2009 for a seat on the Juvenille Court bench. He is the husband of current City Council District B candidate LaToya Cantrell.

Let me say here that, as is common with city lawyers, Cantrell was working as a private attorney when the joint-dropping took place. Still, this is not a good thing.Jason Cantrell
Questions Abound 
  • The obvious question is why? Why in the name of Cheech and Chong would a lawyer carry a joint on his person anyway? Keep the weed at home, bro.
  • Why not hide the stash in a suit coat pocket or a cigarette pack? Why some place where even the slightest possibility of something like this could happen?
  • Is Cantrell’s phone ringing off the hook from pot heads all over New Orleans calling his number (pun intended) 24/7?
  • Where did he get his pot? 
  • Was it any good?

This is beyond stoopid and borders on dumbfuckery. What am I talkin’ about? It is dumbfuckery.

Dumbass.
***Image from HuffPo***