Category: Powerball

Moonshine, Bigfoot, $25 Million and Hissing Cockroaches

Dumbass Colonoscopy

The World Serious is over and the St. Louis Cardinals are the World Champions for 2011. Congrats to the Cards and their fans. You guys had a magical season in 2011, especially from late August on. What your team accomplished is something extraordinary and you should cherish every single inning of it. St. Louis is a great baseball town and the fans are some of the most knowledgeable in the Majors. Keep in mind that Spring Training is just three and a half months away and every team in the National League will be gunning for the Champs in 2012. Go forth and celebrate your 11th World Serious title, because next year the Texas Rangers will be back and better than ever!

Other than being disappointed about the outcome of the Series, it was a great week here at Dumbass News. For those of you dumbasses that missed out on some of my brilliant writing and unmatched commentary, today is your chance to catch up with the latest in the World of Dumbassery. For example…

  • Moonshine and Bigfoot – If the urge to go out into the wilderness and become the first to document the existence of Bigfoot, hooch is a necessary scientific research tool. If you are unable to find Bigfoot, you’ll certainly find Big Hangover. 
  • It’s Raining Money in Oklahoma I goof on Okies on a regular basis, but I mean it in a loving way. The people of Oklahoma are some of the finest people you’ll ever meet – Salt of the Earth kinda folks. Hell, Oklahoma has given us Mickey Mantle, Troy Aikman, Garth Brooks and my favorite Redhead, Reba McEntire. Who could hate a place that has produced that group? Not me. BTW, the only reason Texas doesn’t drift off into the Gulf of Mexico is because Oklahoma sucks. 🙂
  • Eating BBQ Flavored Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches! – As a former Broadcast Professional (Radio and TV), I can tell you first hand that people will do some seriously stoopid shit in order to win a prize. The bigger the prize, the stoopider the shit they will do. Don’t believe me? Read this post and you’ll want to projectile vomit immediately tune in to your favorite radio station and see what kind of stoopid shit you yourself will do for a fabulous prize!
  • The $25 Million Dollar Dumbass Mistake – Here are some clues: 1.) Ay-rab. 2) 7-11.3.) Dumbass and 4.) Lotto. Go see what I mean. 

That’s the Dumbass News Week in Review for the last full week of October. I must now hunker down as we have a Winter Storm on the way that could dump as much as a foot of snow on Augusta (where I live) and the rest of South Central Maine. The average first day of measurable snowfall for us is November 17, so we are definitely ahead of schedule this year. It’s gonna be a long, cold, snowy winter in New England. Why did I ever leave Texas? Because I am a…



A Dumbass Story with a Happy Ending!

But I wanted a Mega Millions Ticket!

I was just checking out some stats for this blog and found some pretty neat stuff. I won’t bore you with all the numbers, but I will tell you this: out of almost 400 posts since the first one way back in September of 2010. September 19 to be exact. I bring that up because I don’t recall writing a single dumbass story with a happy ending. Today, I shall do so. Not without reaming some poor dumbass out, but nevertheless the story will have a happy ending, even for the Dumbass of the Day.

Have you ever been in a convenience store to buy a soda, snack or whatever and think, “What the hell, I’ll buy a lottery ticket” just for shits and giggles. You patiently wait your turn, standing behind a homeless guy who smells like the north bound end of a south bound mule and stale Pabst Blue Ribbon, and you have made your choice of which lottery ticket you plan to buy. Then, out of nowhere the homeless dumb fuck pays for his Meister Brau 40 ouncer and discovers that he has a dollar’s worth of change and decides to buy your lottery ticket! what are you supposed to do besides stand in line and buy the next ticket in that bunch? fair enough. But the homeless asshole that bought your lottery ticket, scratches the gray crap from it and wins $500! Your $500! Almost. Wouldn’t you feel, instead, like following him to his homeless guy cardboard box and kcikin’ the living shit out of him? I would. But since that’s not the Christian Attitude, I’d just call him everything but a Child of God and let him go about his merry homeless guy way and celebrate his winnings with other homeless guys. PBR for everyone!

I have actually had this happen to me before but insert “my little brother” for “homeless guy” and the story is basically the same. The little fucker (my brother) bought the ticket I wanted and he ended up winning $500, while I wasted my dollar on a loser. Since I am thirty-three years older than my brother and he was about six years old at the time, I decided that kicking his ass was out of the question.That’s just how I roll. But I know I could’ve taken him out.

Fast forward to today. A little old lady in Georgia stopped by her neighborhood c-store to get her weekly Lotto ticket. However, the Einstein behind the counter (named Habib), a former AOL Customer service rep named Bob, rang up a Powerball ticket instead of the little old lady’s usual Mega Millions. Nobody noticed this fuck up ntil the lady checked her numbers and found out that she didn’t win Mega Millions. Dammit! Upon further review, the lady noticed the difference in the lotto ticket and compared her numbers to the Powerball numbers that night. 16? There it is. 41, 42/ Both there. 50, 59 and Powerball 5 were also there! The lady had just won twenty-five million dollars thanks to a foreign dumbass who speaks little English and reads even less evidently. Ain’t that some shit? I am very happy for the new millionaire lady and I am sure she’s as happy as a pig in shit that things worked out like they did.

Just think about it. the lady is rich, the store that sold her the winning ticket got a nice bonus for doing so and the Federal Gubmint now has another wealthy person to tax the hell out of.