It’s 10:10AM EDT as I type this so let me apologize for being tardy with my post today. Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde has been very sick for a few weeks, so almost all of the household duties have become my responsibility. Yes, this includes getting the Young Dumbasses (2 girls, 5 & 9) ready for school. Since I pick out the 5 year old Dumbass’s wardrobe for the day, she is, depending on who you ask, either the coolest or weirdest dressed kid in her school.
Speaking of cow hearts…
I Heart You
Dumbass Dateline, Portland, Oregon again. I first read about this story a couple of days ago, but it didn’t have an ending so I didn,t want to write about it. But the Portland PD has now solved the case and it has a couple of elements of dumbassery that could only happen the Pacific Northwest.
The story started when some dumbass in Portland got his hands on a cow heart. Yes, a cow (moo moo and all that) heart. He prolly got it at an ethnic food store. Anyway, the dumbass with the cow heart decided it would be a great idea to place the heart on the front porch of one of his friends! What could possibly go wrong? The dumbass then set out on his on a dark and stormy night, under cover of darkness to complete his appointed task.(I made up the dark and stormy night part. I’ve just always wanted to use that phrase in a post) He arrived at the prankee’s address and gently, ever so gently put the cow heart on the front porch. Then he ran like hell, no doubt laughing his ass off at what he had just pulled off. Remember we are dealing with a dumbass, so something just had to go wrong. And it did.
He put the cow heart on the porch of the wrong address! The friend the ccow heart was intended for lived around the corner! The next morning the owner of the house opened his front door to pick up the daily bird cage liner (that’s newspaper for you idiots in Portland, the O-R-E) only to discover a cow heart on his porch! After recovering from his massive coronary upon seeing the cow heart on his porch, the home owner then went inside to have a shot of Tequila and call the cops. In that order.
While the PPD worked furiously looking for a Satanic cult or mobsters, well, maybe not furiously, more like “who gives a shit?”, on this case, they were unable to solve it. Until….
She walked in. In all the cow heart cases around the world and she walks into mine. She was the intended victim of the cow heart prank. I can just see it. This babe walks into the Cop Shop and says, “The cow heart was meant for me.” She proceeds to tell the story of what went wrong, with the cops laughing very heartily (pun intended).
Heart to Heart
Here’s some advice for the Cow Heart Dumbass. The next time you get the urge to place animal organs on someone’s porch, get the address right first! Now it’s possible that Cow Heart Guy was punked by some of his and deliberately given the wrong address. In that case, he should get them all in one location at the same time, say a poker game, and when the time is right, blast them all to Kingdom Come with an M-16. Or he could simply get drunk and piss on them.
Secondly: Cow hearts are so fucking passe. Next time you do this shit, use a horse penis or something. Or a live rattlesnake. That’ll induce more than a measly massive coronary. You’ve got to go for the gusto, son. Wouldn’t a dead body add great effect to the whole prank? Do I have to do all your thinking for you?