My cousin by marriage, Ashley, gave birth to my newest fishin’ buddy, Cooper, a couple of days ago. In honor of motherhood, I have a Dumbass News story about a doting mother-to-be that will bring a tear to your eye and a jail sentence to the mother-to-be. A real tearjerker.
We have all heard stories about pregnant women going into labor in odd places – elevators, taxi cabs, restaurants, etc. Today’s inspirational tale of motherhood-to-be involves a woman going into labor at WalMart – while committing a crime! A true dumbass. Now if doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, I don’t know what will. Katurah Petty is the pregnant dumbass in question. You see, Katurah and her sister Shaneel, were recently doing their Christmas shoplifting early this year at a WalMart in Ohio, which just happens to lead the nation in pregnant dumbasses committing felonies while going into labor. Anyway, the two dumbass sisters were using fake UPC codes to purchase $271 worth of computer software at their local WalMart.when they were busted. Katurah the pregnant dumbass, now felon, goes into labor when the cops arrested her. Being the conscientious public servants they are, the police took her to hospital where she gave birth to a future felon.
Two things: Thing Number Uno – does the pregnant dumbass not understand that WalMart has more security cameras than the Pentagon? Thing Number Dos – get a fucking American name! What the fuck kind of name is Katurah? That sounds like something the dog does on your lawn that you step in while playing with your kids. Good American crooks have names like Bugsy or Lefty or Guido. Katurah? Not so much. There is a possibility that there could be a run on the name “Katurah”, which means pregnant dumbass in French, by “Katurahs” around the world! Especially in France, where pregnant dumbasses abound. Her sister-in-crime is named “Shaneel”. That’s a name I can accept as American because it sounds like “Shaquille” as in “O’neal”. And trust me, one look at this mugshot, and you’ll agree that she looks a lot like Shaq, therefore she’s has an American name. And she’s not pregnant. Neither is Shaq, I’m told. Also, Shaq doesn’t shop at WalMart…he buys Walmarts.