|Nothing Says “Mom’s a Slut” Like a High Heel Wine Holder for Mothers Day|
I am a guy. I am a lousy gift buyer. This is especially true when it comes to picking out a gift for a woman, say, like Mom.
When you are a kid getting Mom a Mothers Day present is easy. Any gift will do. Perfume? Sure. House shoes. You bet. Embalmed gila monster incense burner? Not a problem. But as you get older, you are expected to be a bit more practical about such things. I don’t understand why that is though. I am still a guy who has no frakkin’ clue what to get Mom for her special day. Besides, an embalmed gila monster incense burner still sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
It is at this point that I remind myself that I am a Dumbass.
These days it’s much easier to do the actual shopping for a Mothers Day gift, thanks in large part to the internet. If you have an internet connection and a debit card you can buy practically anything from anywhere in the world. A few mouse clicks and the next thing you know Mom has been booked for an all expense paid trip to Puerta NoOneKnows or she’s the proud owner of that authentic fake Shroud of Turin Replica, autographed by Jesus. Yes, Jesus himself (pronounced Hay-soos), a Colombian burro rancher and part-time cocaine distributor for the Cali drug cartel, will personally sign and authenticate each Shroud sold. I must point out that although the Shroud may be a reproduction, the burro hair it is made from is quite real. It’s a real steal at 4 bazillion pesos. That’s about 38 cents American. A free line of blow is included with bulk orders of 25 or more.
Any Mom would be glad to own one and proud to wear it to her next Little Old Ladies’ Every Other Wednesday Canasta Tournament and Tequila Drinking Extravaganza.
Or maybe not.
Making the RIGHT Choice
This is where things get hairy when guys buy stuff for women, whether it’s for Mothers Day, an anniversary or because he was out waaaayyy too late with the boys last night. No matter the circumstance, we men make lousy gift choices.
As a Public Service to My Fellow Male Dumbasses Who Are Pitiful Gift Buyers for Females, I have heeded the advice of my wife, who is also a Mother, and done an extraordinary amount of research into gifts to not buy Mom this Sunday. And by “extraordinary research” I mean Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde sent me an email with a link to some really fucking stoopid crap being sold as gifts. And by “fucking stoopid crap” I mean shit that would clutter up a landfill.
Let us explore.
I am gonna put up a few photos of actual items for sale that some poor Dumbass will buy for his wife or Mother. The wife or Mother, upon receipt of this steaming pile of merchandise, will then Google up “gazebo removers”, if ou know what I mean and I think you do.
While this contraption may look like Good Old Dad has an ulterior motive in making this purchase, the fact of the matter is that while this may look like something Mom practices a hummer on, it’s actually a (I ain’t making this up) a “Suction-Powered Lip Plumper”. It must be a tremendous item, just take notice of the “far away” look in Mom’s eyes. I think Dad may be on to something here. I’m just sayin’.
If you think the blow job insinuator up there ^^^ is a poor choice of Mothers Day gift ideas, then this one probably comes with a loaded .45 and a hollowpoint bullet in the chamber. This contraption is a “Waist Stretcher”. I can think of no better way to get Mom to Google-ing “gazebo removers” or “insanity pleas for husband murder” than to make her a present of this thing. You see, Mothers Day is the perfect time to let Mom know she’s put on an extra inch or two in the abdominal area. Trust me on this one, Guys. You’d rather fight Satan at the End of Times using only a Slinky as a weapon than to buy this as a Mothers Day gift. The Blow Job Thing is a far better choice. And that ain’t necessarily a positive thing.
Mom the Sprots Fan
I am from Texas and almost all Texas Women are sports fans to varying degrees. My sister Teri can talk shit about sports with the best of ’em, male or female. For women like her, this “Personalized Bobblehead Doll” would be an outstanding gfit idea. Keep in mind,Guys, that the woman you buy one of these for must be a HUGE sports fan! If she’s not big on football and stuff and you give her this lovely trinket for Mothers Day, on Monday she will be a big Female Divorce Lawyer on PMS Fan. Enough said.
Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde came across these sensational items on the Huffandpuffandgiveyouablowjobpost, where you can view a nifty slide show of wonderful Mothers Day gift ideas similar to those above. She then proceeded to lecture about the virute of receiving diamonds as a deterant to”gazebo remover” or “pissed of female divorce attorney” Google-ing. I am sure she was being very sincere with me.
For more exciting and “unique” ways to tell Mom you lover this Mothers Day, it is imperative that you visit the site where all these valuable and collectable treasures can be found.
Fellow Dumbasses, let valor be the better part of judgement when considering what to give Mom this Sunday. Also, in your mid’s ear, let the words “gazebo remover” echo loudly and often. I’m just sayin’.