Have you ever had trouble removing a ring from your finger?
I have learned over the years that when I do a lot of strenuous work that involves using my hands for an extended period of time, like gardening, my fingers swell up just enough that taking off a ring ain’t as easy as it should be.
I have used several methods of stuck ring removal with varying degrees of success – cold water, soap, butter and others that escape me at the moment.
A Dumbass in Bradford, Pennsylvania has come up with a ring removal idea that is sure to take the Dumbass Horde by storm!
Let me splain.
Wedding Ring Blues
For some damn reason, known only to himself, Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III (is that an Eye-talian name or what?) wanted his wedding ring off his finger, and he wanted it off there bad.
I’m not sure whether or not Alfredo used any cold water, soap or butter in order to get his wedding ring off his finger, but he was persistent in his quest to be ringless. After considerable deliberation, Alfredo finally found a solution to his dilemma!
Grab a hand gun and shoot the wedding ring off his finger!
Now, to the uninitiated, this may seem to be a bit extreme. And that’s because it is, you Dumbass! Who in his right fucking mind would use a firearm to remove a wedding ring from his finger?! Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III, that’s who!
Seriously, Big Al corralled a pistol, carefully took aim at his wedding band and BANG! Problem solved. Sort of.
Alfredo managed to blast his ring finger into oblivion, but there was a slight hitch in his plan. He blew his digit off, but the ring remained on the stump where a moment ago there was a perfectly good ring finger.
I guess it is necessary to the plot to inform you that during this whole deal Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III was, according to police officers who answered the call about a Dumbass shooting off his finger, extremely intoxicated. Ya think?
There’s one more little twist to this story. Alfredo is employed as a prison guard!
Malespini has been charged with a bunch of gun-related shit and could end up sharing a cell with some of the very people he was paid to supervise. Can you say “prison bitch“? I have a sneaky feeling that if Alfredo ends up in the Slammer, the boys in Cell Block D will invent new ways to play “Hide the Sausage” with him.
Suggestions for Alfredo
- For any future wedding ring removal, try cold water, soap or butter.
- Don’t wear a ring.
- Don’t stay married so you won’t be obliged to wear a wedding ring.
- Lay off The Sauce.
- Next time, aim lower. Your nut sack would be a good place to start.
- Have fun in Cell Block D.
- And here’s the obligatory “don’t drop the soap” warning.
Best of Dumbass News
I love Tennessee, God knows I do. It pains me to have to say, no matter how true it may be, that the Volunteer State has its share of Dumbasses. And I’m not just talking about the Dixie Chicks here either. There is, however, a Dixie Chick (a woman from the South, not the singing group) that fits the bill of being a Dumbass to a “T”.
So many Southern women are the epitome of kindness, honesty, caring and decorum, but not all of them possess such Earthly qualities. That’s where Joy Lounders comes in.
Last Wednesday night, Joy was sitting alone in her home in Jefferson County, Tennessee minding her own damn bidness when the unthinkable happened. A gray haired man stormed into her house and began to violently assault her. Like any Southern woman worth her salt, Joy grabbed a pistol preparing to send the Bad Guy to His Reward. However, it didn’t quite work out that way as Joy was shot twice, once in the leg and once in the shoulder. She was able to call the Cops who quickly arrived on the scene.
Joy lives in a nice, previously safe part of Jefferson County and the Police were dumbfounded that something like this horrible incident could occur in a such a neighborhood.
You wanna know why the Law was so shocked to see a crime of this type at Joy’s house?
Because. It. Did. Not. Happen!
Yes! Joy made up the whole damn story! She told the Cops that a gray haired guy broke into her home, assaulted her and fled in a gray or silver SUV. Problem is, there was no bad guy, no crime and no SUV. Nothing.
That leaves us with the question: How in the world did Joy sustain these gun shot wounds then? Simple. She shot herself! I ain’t makin’ this shit up.
For whatever reason (the Police still don’t know), the stoopid bitch fabricated the whole “home invasion” fairy tale then shot herself to make it look real. Just so you know, btw. Joy was taken to the hospital, treated and released. She’s OK.
According to WBIR-TV, after this whole fiasco was solved, Joy, Shooter of Self, is scheduled to turn herself in on previous DUI charges. Now, I think I know why Joy concocted such a wild tale in the first place.
Not only is she a Dumbass, she’s a drunk, too! Whether or not the fake home invasion has anything to do with her DUI is purely speculation on my part. But! As a Former Professional Drinker, I can tell you that drunks do stoopid shit and it appears to me that Joy was seeking a little sympathy from the Jefferson County Justice System in regards to her DUI situation. That’s just my opinion.
But there are other ways to show your remorse for driving while obliterated and possibly killing an innocent bystander or two.
From One Pro to Another
Judging by the facts in this case, I feel comfortable in saying that Joy has a drinking problem. And I don’t mean, “I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem”. Just call me Captain Obvious.
But, Joy, Joy, Joy…tsk, tsk. Faking one crime to get a little sympathy for another ain’t the way to go, sweetheart. Shooting yourself in an effort to cover up your lie is so blase. There are other avenues you could have pursued in your cry for help. Allow me to enlighten you, Joy.
- Offer to pork all the cops who responded to your bogus 9-1-1 call. The results would have been the same. You would still be going to jail and you would have been the only one to get screwed. Of your own doing of course.
- At you DUI sentencing, ask the Judge to join you for Happy Hour, your treat, at The Dew Drop In. Oh, yeah, tell him you’ll call a cab for a ride home later. And give him a hummer under the table. Maybe he’ll go light on you.
- Prepare yourself to be “invaded” in ways you have seen only in “Women Behind Bars”-type movies on Skinemax at Night.
Cue ’70s Porn Music.
|Lookin’ Out My Front Door|
As I sit here writing this, a blizzard rages outside. Check out the photo at the right. I took it at 8:00AM EST. And just think we’ve only got about eight more hours of this!
Damn, I miss Texas.
I have a confession to make. I am a Gizmo-holic. Yes, I have traveled the rough and treacherous technological road to Gizmo-holism. I love gizmos and gadgets. Desktop computers, laptop computers, iPads, GPS and all the cool little gizmo enhancers that go with them. I do not yet own all these electronic wonders. I will soon, though. Count on it.
I do have a problem, however, with cell phones. While in many instances cell phones prove to be life savers and just plain old handy. But, I do not like them very much. One of the most popular features of today’s cell phones is the ability to text a friend or family member. I am still trying to figure out why you would text someone when right there in your greedy capitalist pig hand is a $500 cell phone – a cell phone hundreds of times more powerful than the first computers! A phone to me means a phone call! Fuck texting. Use the damn phone for what it is made for – making phone calls! Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything? Good Gawd, y’all.
Now, having said all that shit, I have written a few posts on dumbasses with cell phones who end up, shall we say, fucked. To see what I mean look here and here, and you’ll find dumbasses and their cell phones are not a particularly good combination. Well, guess what? I have come across another dumbass-with-a-cell-phone texting instead of making a phone call story. Go figger.
There’s this chick named Amy who like millions of other Americans has a cell phone. And like millions of other Americans she texts her friends, family and business associates. Of course, by “business associates”, I mean people to sell narcotics to. In a situation like this, texting is a real dumbfuck thing to do, but, being a mental midget, Amy texts her customers to meet her at Place A to pick up some stash. What Amy forgets is that if you text your “come buy drugs from me” message to the wrong number, the text is still there for the receiving party to read. A text of this nature in the “wrong” hands could be bad news for Amy. And it was. She sent her text meassage to a cop! Well, the cop’s face lit up like a fat kid at Chuck E. Cheese when he saw the text. Long story short, Amy got busted and now shares a cell (<— I made a funny) at the State Hilton with Marlene “Butch” Abernathy, the 3 Time defending Toughest Lesbian in the State Hilton award winner. Amy can look forward to fun and games with the other “girls” and probably write a book and go on Dr. Phil and become a millionaire ex-con bimbo. or a Cinemax at Night soft porn star recounting her days as a sex toy to a 6’3″ Lesbian in State Prison. Sick ain’t it?
I am jealous.
Until last week, James Gerow was just a guy living in Springtown, Texas, a small town northwest of Fort Worth.
Enter Christopher Lance Moore. Make that “break and enter” Christopher Lance Moore.
|Lance Moore, Dipshit|
This past Tuesday, James was sound asleep only to be awakened by some late night noise in his house. Upon awakening, James was confronted by a man in a hoodie. This man, Christopher Lance Moore, was an uninvited guest in the Gerow home.
This is when James grabbed his gun. This is also when Christopher Lance Moore ran like somebody stuck a rocket up his ass.
|James Gerow, Good Guy & Gun Control Expert|
With gun in hand, Gerow convinced the man to drop his keys. He told his wife to call 911 and waited for deputies to arrive.
“I pointed the gun at him and asked him who he is and what the hell he was doing in my house,” Gerow said. “He said his name was Lance, and I said, ‘Lance, what the hell are you doing in my house?’
“And he said, ‘unlucky.’ Just unlucky.”
So here’s Lance in his truck with no keys and a pissed off Texan pointing a large caliber handgun at him. What does Lance do now? Naturally he calls 9-1-1! “I’m out in the country somewhere and some guy’s got a gun on me,” he said on the call. Later when being questioned by Parker County Sheriff’s Deputies, Lance admitted to having “bad intentions”.
Christopher Lance Moore has been charged with burglary of a habitation with bad intentions, his future as a Prison Bitch secure.
Yes, Gun Control. It was James Gerow’s control of a bad ass pistol that that prevented Christopher Lance Moore’s “bad intentions” from turning into something potentially tragic for James Gerow and his family.
What say you, Bob Costas? Buehler? Anyone?
Oh, yeah…one more minor point: Christopher Lance Moore should thank God every day for the rest of his miserable life that James Gerow did not blow his sorry ass to Kingdom Come, which he could have easily and legally done.
Gun Control at its finest, Lance.
Quick note: In the intro of today’s entry I mention the fact that I am sicker than shit. I feel that, as your Fearless Leader, you have a right to know when I feel like I was run over by a Twinkie Truck driven by a Bakers Union member. However, I am not sicker than shit. What you are about to read and lose IQ points over was put together last year. In other words, it’s the …
Best of Dumbass News
I am Back in the Saddle! Well, I am back just long enough to hook you up with a Best of Dumbass News post for today. Please allow me to elucidate.
Today is the first time in three days that I’ve been out of bed and I am leaning heavily towards plopping my happy white ass right back in it. If you’ll recall, I’ve been pissin’ and moanin’ about having The Crud over the last week or two. It has finally caught up to me with the vengeance of 1000 ex-wives with female lawyers with PMS suing for alimony. Simply put, I have been sicker than a cur dawg. I hope to be back to full strength by Monday. Until then, here’s a little something to hold you over for today.
- Ed Takes a Walk and Ends Up a Prison Bitch – Dumbass News’ adopted felon, Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams, gets a new “friend”.
- Dumbass With Tattoo Becomes Newest in a Series of Prison Bitches – This dumbass is Latino. Leon likes ’em spicy.
- Tattoos Are Forever, Dumbass – This is without question one of the Top 2 or 3 Most Popular Stories in the History of This Blog. It’s always worth a read. The last of a Leon Trifecta.
I hope you enjoy the joy you’ll get by laughing your ass off at the misfortune, suffering and dumbassery of your fellow man. I know it always helps me feel better. 🙂
|Famous Old Guy Prison Bitch|
Mrs. Fearless Leader’s surgery yesterday went well and she is now at home recuperating. She’ll be on the mend for a few days and then hopefully things will return to abnormal here at the Dumbass Dome and I can get back to writing stuff about the
Obama voters Dumbasses that dwell amongst us.This Dreaded Double Parent Duty is killing me!
Best of Dumbass News
Some of the most frequent targets of this blog are Dumbass Criminals and today is no exception. Today’s dumbass had it made until he peed in public. Edward Nathan, Jr had been on the lam since 1983 (!), seemingly a free man after he walked off a work detail in Florida almost thirty years ago.
Ed was convicted of armed robbery and was serving part of his sentence in a Tampa work release center when one day he just walked away. recently, he was picked up by Georgia Police when a cop in Atlanta saw Ed pissin’ in public. I understand that when Nature calls, you have little choice in the matter, Ed, but ain’t there public toilets or maybe even a big tree to hide behind down in Georgia? Taking a leak in public has got to be one of the stupidest reasons in the history of man to get busted for. Especially if you are running from the law! I am thankful for Ed and guys like him, they keep this blog in business, but c’mon, man! You dumbass!
As I mentioned earlier, Ed was serving 5 years for armed robbery when he took a walk from the work release program and disappeared into the Florida sun in 1983. If he was on a work release deal, wouldn’t that mean that he was fairly close to completing his sentence? Another question. if escaping prison was Ed’s wish back then, why would he stay in Georgia, which the last time I looked shared a common border with Florida? Why not haul ass to California or some shit, Ed? You know, mix in with the other 35 million or so folks out there. Oh, yeah, Ed is a dumbass! My bad.
So now Ed is 50 years old and will certainly be in prison for much longer than his original 5 year sentence. He could have paid his debt to society, been under 30 years old and led a long productive life. Now he’ll lead a long life as an old prison bitch to this blog’s adopted felon, Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams. Have a nice stay, Ed. And give our regards to Leon!
Best of Dumbass News
There are some places and some people on the Big Blue Marble that are worthy of non-stop contempt and mockery. Other than the sons of motherless goats in the Middle East (I’m looking at you, Iran!), there are some other people and places that give me great pleasure in calling a bunch of pussies and twinkletoes. I am, of course, referring to Fwance and San Fransissy. It’s nothing intentional, but dumbass stories about the two keep pouring into my news readers and email at a rate faster than water barreling over Niagra Falls.
|Is that you, John R.?|
Fwance and San Fran are the gifts that keep on giving. Kinda like having Christmas every day of the year. As long as they keep on supplying the gift wrapped dumbassery, I’ll keep on rippin’ them to shreds and looking for the goodies in the box.
Florida Gets a Dumbass Pass
I would include Florida on the list of The Mocked & Derided, but the Sunshine State is somewhat handicapped when it comes to this “competitive dumbassery”. The deal with Florida has to do with its diversity. First of all, you’ve the Native Floridians.Plus, the F L A is loaded to the gills with immigrants trying to assimilate into the American way of life (legally) and even I wouldn’t come down on them with the full Wrath of the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. The kicker in this equation is the number of “transplants”, or as Real Florida-ites call them, “Fucking Yankees”, that have invaded the Florida Peninsula. Therefore, even though I write about an abundance of dumbass F L A – ridians doing dumbass stuff, so many of them are Yankees that it skews the Dumbass Sample Size. I’m just sayin’.
Comin’ Up on the Outside Is…
Illinois! Chi-town and its ‘burbs to be precise. Not only has The Second City produced high powered Dumbasses like former Guv Rod Blogojavich, our current Dumbass in Chief and the Daley Regime, Chicago also turns out a healthy number of “regular” dumbasses. In other words, just plain old dumbasses.
Now The Windy City can lay claim to a dumbass who ranks a notch above “regular” dumbass and a notch below the more prominent purveyors of Dumbassery. If our Dumbass of the Day keeps up the good work....Oh, wait! He can’t ! Why? Because the Dumbass is is the Cook County Crossbar Hilton with $100,000
credit limit bond to help make sure that he enjoys a long vacation courtesy of the fine citizens of Chicagoland.
Today’s Dumbass, John R. Pacella, has earned his stay in the Cook County Slammer by going above and beyond the call of Dumbassery. This guy has gazebos the size of Dallas and a love of likker like a Skid Row Hobo, a very dangerous combination if not kept properly in check. Who am I kiddin’? John R. is a comode huggin’ drunk with about as much sense as a goat humping Ham Hater named Hussein.
You see, good ole John R. got all tanked up on some cheap ass malt likker named BlogObama Brew and began to feel angry. And brave. And fubared. That kind of Canned Courage can lead only to one thing…9-1-1! Yes, fellow Dumbasses, John R. got gassed and immediately picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-1. Was he seeking help for his drinking problem? Nope. Did he injure one of his Big D Sized Gazebos? Negatory.
John R. dialed 9-1-1 at 4AM not needing emergency assistance, but he did tell the 9-1-1 lady that he wanted her to send the cops to his house because he wanted to kick their asses. After recovering her breath from a long bit of hardy laughter, 9-1-1 lady says to John R., “Sure thing, Sir! I’ll send them right over”. So the fuzz made the scene at John R.’s crib and out comes John R. strutting like a banty rooster who just missed being supper. The Peace Officers on the call tried to have a nice friendly talk with the dumbass, and he politely accepted their most gracious offer with a pleasant greeting, “I say, Constable, shall we have a spot of tea and discuss this matter like gentlemen?” Then John R. was heard to yell at the cops something that sounded like “Chuck’s shoe” or “cork screw” and then he shoved a Police Officer. The heat took exception to such a breach of civility and body slammed John R. onto the sidewalk, beat the shit out of him with their night sticks and said in a very surly voice, “Neener, neener, neener!” Everything after “he shoved a Police Officer”, I made that up.
But Wait There’s More!
Did I mention that John R. Pacella of the Chicago area is a registered sex offender? He is. I would go so far as to say that being a registered pervert didn’t help John R. curry any favor with the local constabulary or the judge who set his bail. Throw in the fact that the guy assaulted a cop and resisted arrest, and our man John R. Pacella of Willowbrook, Illinois, convicted sex offender can anticipate a very long and profitable career as a Bona Fide Prison Bitch. It would be a crying shame if the other inmates in John R.’s “home to be” found out that Johnny Boy is a rapist or child molester or whatever, wouldn’t it? They just might try to injure brother John R. Don’t injure the poor man you bastards! Cut off his fucking gazebos!!! One. By. One. S-L-O-W-L-Y.
Have a nice vacation, John R. I hope you make new friends easily. Or get a broom handle up your ass. Personally, I vote for the broom handle up the Hershey Highway.