Category: Pron

Bulimics and Penises – Working Together for a Cure

I have, on a few occasions, explained to you some of the “challenges” I face on a daily basis. And by “challenges”, I of course mean that I am mentally ill. Many people would call me insane, but I ain’t there just yet. I take so much medicine that the food pyramid for me is Mood swings meds, anti-depressant and nighty night pill. Not bad actually, but I’d rather smoke a joint and have a beer. But I don’t do that shit anymore.

Dammit.

There are millions of Americans who have the same shit or much worse than me, so I am nothing special, except for the fact that I am the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde and I have readers who are sick puppies – like Wendy in Oregon and her Old Man whose name I don’t know. If he’s from Oregon his name is probably “Chad” or “Biff” or some other Left Coast bullshit.

But I digress.

More Serious “Challenges”

One of those more serious disorders that I spoke of earlier is bulimia. That’s the fear of being eaten and regurgitated by a Braymur (Brahman for the Yoopers in the audience) bull. That’s gotta be scary. Facing down a Big Mac must be a living nightmare. Again, I digress.

Anyway….some lady who apparently mustered up the courage and wherewithal to overcome her bulimia was demonstrating her new found freedom to a friend. No, she was not eaten and vomited up by a Braymur bull, she was sticking a butter knife down her throat demonstrating the absence of a gag reflex. She was going gangbusters with her demonstration until she swallowed the butter knife! Swallowing butter knives is a disease suffered by many bulimics because they just can’t be happy with being well, they feel compelled to stick something down their gullets to prove it.

Not a Scientific Instrument

Did you know, for instance, that sword swallowers are recovering bulimics? Not really I just made that up. Many female porn stars are, besides being skanky sluts, bulimics as well. The difference in the whores and the Butter Knife Lady is that porn star bulimics swallow ding-a-lings in order to show a lack of gag reflex. This has been scientifically proven by thousands of hours of hobbing knobs by skeezes of all ages, origins, ethnic backgrounds and, yes, religions. Except for Baptists. Baptists don’t even dance so oral sex is a major no no for my Protestant brethern and sistern.

Options

Now, as an observer of the human condition known as Dumbassery, I would taken aback by the fact that the young lady showed her progress by using a butter knife as a tool in her little demo. Why not a banana? Or a cucumber? Or a penis? All would be infinitely more suitable to such an exercise than a butter knife. Using a penis, for example, would instantly afford her a new career choice as well. I’m just sayin’

Please understand that I am not making light of bulimia. It is a very serious and deadly condition if the wrong penis is used as a “tool” to show a lack of gag reflex, a woman could choke to fucking death. Or end up as a porn star.

So, heed my advice if you are afflicted with bulimia. In showing your progress towards normalcy, please do not use sharp objects a gag reflex testing devices. Use something firm but malleable in your presentation.

And when you can swallow a whole Black Diamond watermelon, contact me. I know a “movie producer” in Hollywood.

Dumbass.

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L A Fuzz Appear in X-Rated Movie! (While in {out of?} Uniform!)

Actual Police Porn; The Dangler Perhaps?

Right or wrong we, the general public, tend to hold folks who work in a public capacity to a higher standard when it comes to doing his/her job. This group includes everyone from the waitress at the local diner to the dumbasses we elect as our representatives to the Federal Gubmint. While this is not a bad thing, many times we forget how difficult it is to perform the duties of said occupation. Have you ever waited tables? I can tell you from personal experience that dealing with hungry people each day is, at best, a challenge. Special orders, substitutions, drink refills, being nice to not so nice customers and going to work when you feel like you’ve been run over by a Mack truck are just a few things that servers face every day they show up to work. Hell, it makes being a CongressDumbass look like a walk in the park. Seriously. But the pay and the bribes are far less lucrative. It’s a tough job.

Now take all that I just posted up there^^^^ and multiply it by a million. Then you have the job degree of difficulty for a Public Servant like a policeman. Being a cop is an often thankless line of work with not so many perks, except for a free cup of coffee now and then, and the occasional role in a porn flick. Whaaaaaaaaatttttt?????????

Show Me Your Nightstick, Officer

John Dancler was a cop in LA. Until he was fired. For appearing in a porn movie! In uniform! Wait a minute, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet. What could be worse than a cop in his official LA Fuzz garb in a porn video? A cop in his official LA Fuzz garb in a porn video while on duty, that’s what! Holy three way traffic stop, Batman! John is no longer one of LA’s Finest, by the way. I guess the Civil Service Honchos in Tinseltown have no sense of humor. Geeeezzz. Dumbasses.

John “The Dangler” Dancler was stunned, stunned I tell you (!), to learn of his dismissal for such a petty reason. Granted, the LAPD has rules and regulations to be followed, but aren’t those restricted to more serious matters like singling out an individual or group because of their race or something similar? Is there a clause in the “Things Not to Do” section of the LAPD Employees Manual that says an on duty officer can’t appear in a porn flick? These are questions that demand answers! At least that’s what ‘The Dangler’s” lawyer is saying.

Vampire Goes to Bat for The Dangler

Bobby Samini, the cop’s attorney, went before the Los Angeles Civil Service Commission to argue that his client’s firing was “unwarranted” and that The Dangler was a “convenient scapegoat” in the case. Lemme get this straight. LA cop is on duty. Check. “On duty” means the cop was in uniform, or out of uniform in this instance, right? Check. He abandoned his official obligations as a sworn Officer of the Law to show and presumably use his “automatic weapon” in an X-rated video, correct? Check. Well alrighty then! Nothing to see here. Move along, folks.

I understand that being a Police Officer is one of, if not the, toughest civilian jobs in the world. So it is equally understandable that such a high pressure work environment necessitates a little “stress relief” once in a while. The Dangler was doing just that when he was porking a few crack addict sluts up the poop chute in a little fuck flick, relieving stress.

Video This, Bitches!

It is my considered Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Opinion that John Dancler should not only be fired, but tried and if convicted, be sent to San Quentin, Twinkletoes Unit, where he’ll be indoctrinated into the role of “The Danglee” by some tutti fruiti fella  built like a WWE Rassler with a “baton” instead of a nightstick, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Screw this dumabass. After all he fucked over an entire city.

Denny’s is Hiring

John, my man, you betrayed your oath to the people you serve when you whipped it out for your little “stress relief” moment with some skanky HOs.  At that point you became a criminal. A criminal worse than the majority of assholes and creeps you were supposed to protect your community from. And you have the unmitigated gall to demand reinstatement to the position you so willfully deserted while on duty? 
 
I’ve got some news for you, pal. The second you even thought about pulling such a stunt, you, in theory at least, forfeited any and all recourse in getting your job back. I am fairly sure that there about six million Angelenos that agree with me.

One more thing, amigo. Tell your lawyer to get a copy of the movie you so graciously consented to do, while on duty of course, and shove it so far up his ass that the Roto Rooter Guy will have to dig it out with a plumber’s snake. John Baby, you’d wish it was a plumber’s snake going up your anal cavity if true Justice were applied in this circumstance. But it won’t be, so consider yourself lucky. Some of the people you busted are making license plates as I type this. Let’s just hope for your sake that they A) don’t hear about this deal or B) aren’t of a vengeful nature. What would Sgt. Joe Friday say? Fuck you and good luck, John. Those are the facts. Just the facts.

By the way, Dangler, I hear Denny’s is hiring.

Have a nice day.

Dumbass.