Category: Prostitution

Dunkin’ More Than Donuts

I ain’t feelin’ so hot today. I think I am coming down with The Crud. That said, here ya go with the Best of Dumbass News.

Howdy, y’all! It’s 11 degrees in Augusta, Maine on this fine Sunday morning. It looks like Old Man Winter has finally arrived in New England. I am not happy about this. Let me splain to our newer readers. I am from Texas. It is warm in Texas for 50 weeks of the year. I like it warm. Where I live is next to Canada. Canada is cold 50 weeks a year. Plus Canadians talk funny and call one of their coins a “loony”. I ain’t kiddin’. Therefore, the choice is simple. I choose Cancun. Remember this story as you stop off at Dunkin Donuts on the way too Church this morning. But as the Good Book says, Jesus came to save the sinner, not the righteous. There’s some good sinnin’ going on in this story. Amen. 

There’s a Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 in Parsippany, New Jersey that has added an item to their menu. Dunkin calls the new item is called “The Extra Sugar”. Local cops call it prostitution. I would have called it the “donut hole”, but I am a sick, twisted freak.  Let me splain.

Melissa Redmond works the overnight shift at one of the local Dunkin Donuts in Parsippany and it seems that she was serving more than donuts and coffee to some of her customers. After receiving a tip from an informant, cops set up surveillance and observed Melissa leaving her post in the store to go to the cars of select customers, stay for 10 or 15 minutes and then return to work. It didn’t take long for the cops to catch on so Melissa the Donut Ho was arrested for selling “Extra Sugar”. Dumbass.

One of the first things that popped into my mind when I read this story was why in the name of all that is Holy would someone some sell their “coolatta” from a donut shop? Think about it. Donuts. Cops. Those two go together like Justin Bieber music and syrup of ipecac. But, I digress.

The moral to the story is twofold. First, being a hooker is bad. Second, being a hooker where a cops shows up every five minutes is just plain stoopid. If a woman wants to sell her “creme filled” pastry, sell it where the cops DO NOT show up! Like at a Likker Store. 🙂

Dumbass.

Advertisements

Guy Ripped Off by Hooker, Files Complaint w/Cops!

Stories about hookers have long been a staple here at Dumbass News. Some our tawdry tales of tantalizing tarts even involve the police!

In keeping with our tradition of trashy trollops (OK enough with the alliteration), we once again present to you a story of prostitution. This time with a twist.

Bitch at the Beach 

It should come as no surprise that an ocean front town would be a likely locale for hookers. Old Orchard Beach, Maine (about 70 miles south of where I am sitting) is no exception. OOB is a touristy kind of town with people coming from all over Northern New England to enjoy the ocean and other seaside amenities. And by “seaside amenities” I of course mean whores.

Dumb Fuck

Take Scott Pipher for example.

Scott made it all the way to Old Orchard beach from Portsmouth, New Hampshire. After enjoying the brisk waters of the Gulf of Maine, Scott decided it was time for some of the seaside amenities he had heard of. So, he set out to find a hooker.

He found one.

10 Minutes Short 

Police say a man called them to complain a prostitute hadn’t given him his money’s worth – so they arrested him.
Police say New Hampshire resident Scott Pipher was arrested this week. The 34-year-old is charged with engaging a prostitute.
Old Orchard Beach, Maine, police say Pipher called them to complain a woman he’d hired “shorted him by 10 minutes.”
Police say their investigation also led to the arrests of two women believed to be prostitutes contacted by Pipher through a website.

Now I am not familiar with the unwritten Rules of Being a Slut, but being a man with an alphabet soup variety of mental illnesses, I do know that a visit to the Crazy People Doctor is supposed to be an hour long but is usually only about 45 minutes in length. Maybe similar rules apply to whores – you pay for an hour, you get 50 minutes. To put it into more of a hooker context, you pay for “around the world”, you get a “trip across town”.

I dunno.

Options

I’ll go out on a limb here and suggest that even if you were “short changed” by a slut, calling the local  constabulary to file a complaint is probably not the best idea of the day. You’d have far better luck in lodging your gripe with the area Hookers Union. Or, possibly, a nice pimp will listen to your tale of woe and hunt the bitch down and express his extreme displeasure about the way she does bidness and encourage the young lady to make good on the 10 minutes or happily refund 1/6 of the price you paid the broad to contract a sexually transmitted disease from her in the first place. (Math Note: 10 minutes = 1/6 of an hour, thus the refund of 1/6 the agreed upon price) 

Then again, you could:

  • Accept the fact that you were ripped off by a whore, leave it at that and move on. Lesson learned.
  • Deal only with hookers who carry the union label.
  • Look in the Yellow Pages for prostitutes who are members in good standing (or laying as the case may be) of the Better Bidness Bureau.
  • Not spend your hard earned money to have sex with a crack ho.
  • Find a more reputable hooker.
  • Slap the monkey.
  • Find more wholesome “seaside amenities” to blow (pun intended) your cash on.

Dumbass.

***Thanks to HuffPo & SeaCoastOnline***

Girl Selling Virginity to the Highest Online Bidder!

The internet -a blessing and a curse at the same time.

A blessing in the sense that it offers users a way to connect to a virtual library full of information as well as a way to conduct business, both personal and professional, while sitting in around in their Fruit of the Looms, or nekkid for that matter, in the comfort of their own homes.

It’s a curse for obvious reasons like pornography and various and sundry other unhealthy venues.

Shopping is also a huge part of being connected the Triple W. You can sit right where you are and order dinner, groceries, virgins….what? Virgins? Yes, unsullied vaginas can be bought on the internet.

Let me splain.

Auctions for Cherries

There’s a 20 year old woman (girl?) in Brazil who is doing exactly that – selling her virginity to the highest bidder. This is what I call being a hooker, but Catarina Migliori disagrees with me. “For me, it’s not prostitution,” she said. “When someone does something once in his or her life, this is not considered a profession. If you take a picture and it comes out good, you are not a photographer because of it.” 
Well, butter my ass and call me a biscuit! I never thought of it that way! And here all this time I thought selling your groceries was called being a whore. Label me enlightened.

Could there be more to this story? Why of course there is! What did you expect!? This is Dumbass News ya goofball!

The Daily Mail reported that Migliorini is having sex for the first time as part of an Australian film project called “Virgins Wanted.” She’s getting $20,000 and a 90-percent cut of the auction price. 

As an added incentive, she’s gonna get nailed for the first time in an airplane. Mile High Club anyone?

Catarina is not your everyday Hooker-to-be, mind you. She is donating some of her “income” to help build homes for the poor in her hometown in southern Brazil. Ain’t that nice? A whore with a heart.

Selling “It” to the Highest Bidder

BTW, I checked the website behind this Pussy for Pay Scheme That’s Not Prostitution and as of this writing some Dumbass has bid $190,000 for Catarina’s soon to be adiosed purity. Including the 20 Large “film project” pay, Catarina stands (lays?) to gain $191,000 for her efforts.

But she stands to lose her soul, and her innocence, in the process.

Sad.

Dumbass.

Dumbass News – The Week That Wuz

It was an interesting, yet fairly slow, week at the ole Dumbass News Desk this week. Given that we had a long Labor Day Weekend to contend with, that is to be expected. Why some people would rather spend the last “official” weekend of summer with family and friends, cooking out, watching football and drinking cold beer than reading about important things like Nigerian Cocaine-Stuffed Chicken or 82 year old ladies with a seven decade criminal record  is beyond me, but that’s what happened earlier this week. Go figger.

Well, now those Dumbasses have no excuse for not catching up on some really earth-shattering Dumbass news. News that literally (thanks, Joe Biden!) shook the planet to its core with the sheer amount of idiocy, noxious fumes and outright bullshit emanating from it. But enough about the Democrat Convention….let’s get to the fun stuff known as Dumbass News’ The Week That Wuz!

Photographic Metaphor for “The Week That Wuz”

The Week That Wuz

I am sure that you are familiar with the old saying that “Nothing good happens after midnight”. I have proven this time-tested bit of wisdom accurate yet again with the story of the couple who was robbed by a group of clowns, literally (thanks again, Joe Biden!). The whole episode started with a 3 AM knock on the door...

After looking at the pictures from Dumbass Family Vacation Photos, getting ripped off at three in the morning by Bozo the Clown and two knife-weilding buddies will seem like a walk in the park. You can get over a robbery, but you can not un-see some of the most disgusting camera work in the history of mankind. But you know you wanna look. Go ahead. I dare you.

I know thousands of members of the Dumbass Horde were relieved to know that the phone sex they’ve been having with hookers young ladies on those party lines is not prostitution. The Eye-talian Supreme Court says so.

See how much time and money you wasted on family, food and beer? You could have gotten the same cheap thrills for FREE simply by blowing off your Labor Day Shindig and reading about the Dumbass News Week That Wuz.

I’ll forgive you. This time.

Dumbass.

Phone Sex Ain’t Prostitution Says Italy’s High Court!

There are times when even the greatest country in the history of Mankind, the United States, can look to its overseas brethren for guidance and inspiration.

Granted these time are extremely rare, because the rest of the world is completely off its collective nut (as a whole), and generally has little to offer us in the way of making our lives better. Is that a Snobbish American Dumbass Attitude? Maybe. Is it the truth? Definitely. Sorry, Other Countries of the World.

In one case Italy is our Beacon of Hope. The lighthouse in the distance after weeks in a stormy sea. The shining city at the top of the hill. The…oh, hell, you get the idea.

The Background Story

Some Eye-talian guy named Giancarlo ( a nom de phone john) was charged with the Eye-talian equivalent of solicitation of prostitution not for offering money to a hooker for sexual favors, but for paying a phone sex pro to talk dirty to and, presumably, give a jolly to a business client!

Say what?

If this is indeed the case, then AOL is, or was, the biggest hooker solicitor in the history of the world. After all, ten of millions of people used to pay AOL for services that eventually led to phone sex, if what I have read is true. AOL executives had to have some idea that this sort of lewd and lascivious behavior was taking place, right? They are (were), by its very definition, procurers of prostitutes!

Or not.

Eye-talian Supreme Court

The Court Ruling

This travesty in the name of Justice was rightly appealed time and again, finally reaching the Eye-talian Supreme Court. The High Court ruled for Giancarlo saying, “Verbally servicing an interlocutor for the purpose of sexual excitement does not constitute a sexual service, if it does not involve the bodily erogenous zones of the person who is getting paid for such a service.” In other words in this case, if the “service provider” does not physically touch the pee pee of the “service seeker”, then it ain’t prostitution.

I agree.

If such an act were considered an act of prostitution, then what would the act of willingly driving nekkid and duct taped through a major US city for sexual gratification be considered? Organ-ized crime? (“organ”-ized. hahahahaha)

Keep Phone Sex Legal and Safe  

The United States of America should and must be at the forefront in the fight to keep phone sex safe and legal. I mean, many Americans are standing up for other things that are considered out of the ordinary to the mainstream of society. Like homos getting “married”. Single people adopting children. Homos adopting children! Homos adopting single people!

If phone sex is criminalized what will be next? Playboy Magazine? Penthouse? National Geographic?

I don’t give a damn about phone sex as long as the participants are consenting adults and no children or small animals are involved in their “conversations”. As I see it, no harm, no foul (generally speaking). I only care about phone sex on the occasional Saturday night when Mrs. Fearless Leader and I play “A T & T”, if you know what I mean and I think you do. I especially enjoy the “Caller I.D.” part of our little game. 🙂 But, I digress.

Gubmint Intrusion

This is just another example of why Europe is a cess pool of Socialism – the gubmint getting involved in even the tiniest part of our private lives. This also is a prime example of why the US should stay away from the policies of people (see Obama, Barry) that tend to micromanage our very existence.

Let me put it this way, the Eye-talian Gubmint, which the 4 billionth Eye-talian Gubmint since the end of the Big One, WW2, spent countless millions of dollars prosecuting a guy for setting up a phone sex deal for a business client while their economy crumbles like an Oreo in the hands of a fat kid. This makes perfect sense to me. <—That’s molasses-thick sarcasm there, folks.

Now if we could just get Liberals and homos to join the cause of smaller and less intrusive gubmint, then some of the things they actually believe in (both of them!) might come to fruition.

I think we stand a better chance of getting Socialism and all its glorious failure out of Europe.

What was I thinking?

Dumbasses.

***Hat tip HuffPo***

Donut Ho; Dunkin More Than Donuts

Donut Ho

Howdy, y’all! It’s 11 degrees in Augusta, Maine on this fine Sunday morning. It looks like Old Man Winter has finally arrived in New England. I am not happy about this. Let me splain to our newer readers. I am from Texas. It is warm in Texas for 50 weeks of the year. I like it warm. Where I live is next to Canada. Canada is cold 50 weeks a year. Plus Canadians talk funny and call one of their coins a “loony”. I ain’t kiddin’. Therefore, the choice is simple. I choose Cancun. Here’s your “Best of Dumbass News” for this week. Remember this story as you stop off at Dunkin Donuts on the way too Church this morning. But as the Good Book says, Jesus came to svae the sinner, not the righteous. Therer’s some good sinnin’ going on in this story. Amen. 

There’s a Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 in Parsippany, New Jersey that has added an item to their menu. Dunkin calls the new item is called “The Extra Sugar”. Local cops call it prostitution. I would have called it the “donut hole”, but I am a sick, twisted freak.  Let me splain.

Melissa Redmond works the overnight shift at one of the local Dunkin Donuts in Parsippany and it seems that she was serving more than donuts and coffee to some of her customers. After receiving a tip from an informant, cops set up surveillance and observed Melissa leaving her post in the store to go to the cars of select customers, stay for 10 or 15 minutes and then return to work. It didn’t take long for the cops to catch on so Melissa the Donut Ho was arrested for selling “Extra Sugar”. Dumbass.

One of the first things that popped into my mind when I read this story was why in the name of all that is Holy would someone some sell their “coolatta” from a donut shop? Think about it. Donuts. Cops. Those two go together like Justin Bieber music and syrup of ipecac. But, I digress.

The moral to the story is twofold. First, being a hooker is bad. Second, being a hooker where a cops shows up every five minutes is just plain stoopid. If a woman wants to sell her “creme filled” pastry, sell it where the cops DO NOT show up! Like at a Likker Store. 🙂

Dunkin’ More Than Donuts

America “Runs” on Dunkin

Howdy, y’all! It’s 11 degrees in Augusta, Maine on this fine Sunday morning. It looks like Old Man Winter has finally arrived in New England. I am not happy about this. Let me splain to our newer readers. I am from Texas. It is warm in Texas for 50 weeks of the year. I like it warm. Where I live is next to Canada. Canada is cold 50 weeks a year. Plus Canadians talk funny and call one of their coins a “loony”. I ain’t kiddin’. Therefore, the choice is simple. I choose Cancun. Here’s your “Best of Dumbass News” for this week. Remember this story as you stop off at Dunkin Donuts on the way too Church this morning. But as the Good Book says, Jesus came to svae the sinner, not the righteous. Therer’s some good sinnin’ going on in this story. Amen. 

There’s a Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 in Parsippany, New Jersey that has added an item to their menu. Dunkin calls the new item is called “The Extra Sugar”. Local cops call it prostitution. I would have called it the “donut hole”, but I am a sick, twisted freak.  Let me splain.

Melissa Redmond works the overnight shift at one of the local Dunkin Donuts in Parsippany and it seems that she was serving more than donuts and coffee to some of her customers. After receiving a tip from an informant, cops set up surveillance and observed Melissa leaving her post in the store to go to the cars of select customers, stay for 10 or 15 minutes and then return to work. It didn’t take long for the cops to catch on so Melissa the Donut Ho was arrested for selling “Extra Sugar”. Dumbass.

One of the first things that popped into my mind when I read this story was why in the name of all that is Holy would someone some sell their “coolatta” from a donut shop? Think about it. Donuts. Cops. Those two go together like Justin Bieber music and syrup of ipecac. But, I digress.

The moral to the story is twofold. First, being a hooker is bad. Second, being a hooker where a cops shows up every five minutes is just plain stoopid. If a woman wants to sell her “creme filled” pastry, sell it where the cops DO NOT show up! Like at a Likker Store. 🙂

Dumbass.