Category: Quilted Northern

Man Has No Toilet Paper, Does $2000 Damage to Motel Room

Motel to the Dumbasses

You remember those TV commercials for Motel 6 that said “We’ll leave the light on for ya”? What a stupid damned campaign. The “leavin’ the light on for ya” part is cool. Catchy, memorable and annoying. The part of that ad campaign that bugs me is that the guy who did the voice over for them was from Alaska. Nothing against Alaska, it’s a place that has been blessed by Nature way yonder more than many places on Earth. Like New Jersey for instance. But let’s be real. First of all, how many Motel 6s are there in Alaska? I’ll tell you how many. One. That’s only one more than Madagascar for Pete’s sake! There four million Motel 6s throughout the rest of the country, why not use a voice over guy from Mississippi? Or North Dakota? Anywhere but Alaska. Or New Jersey. It’s a minor thing but it pisses me off. For Motel 6, I’ll leave the Dumbass on for ya. Idiots.

As you may have deduced by now, or maybe not because you are a dumbass, today venture into Dumbassville takes us to a motel. There are no strippers or drugs involved, so this ain’t one of those stories.(Dammit) Most of us have stayed in a motel at some point or another, not only because we are cheap bastards, but for convenience. Convenience meaning “close to a liquor store”. That aside, we stay at a place like Motel 6 and don’t expect five star treatment. You sleep, you shower, you hit the road. Unless you run out of toilet paper. Like Dereck MacDonald. Evidently Dereck had to go Number 2 and discovered he was out of TP. Now, I know this can be a stressful situation, having just pinched a loaf and you have no way to get your ass clean. I think, however, most of us could improvise our way out of this type of thing leaving the head with a clean ass. After all, necessity is the Mother of invention.

Dereck didn’t see things quite that way and he went apeshit (pun intended). He went on a rampage doing over two thousand dollars worth of damage to a $39.99 a night motel room. His ass still dirty, Dereck plugged up the commode, flushed it and a flood that would do Noah proud ensued. Then he proceeded to “redecorated” the like only a man with a doo doo packed ass can do. He might as well shit two grand, because he ain’t gonna make it up in jail at 38 cents a day. How the hell difficult would it be to call the front desk and say, “I have a dirty ass and no Charmin, could you please send housekeeping with some? Quilted Northern would be fine as well.”” For Dereck, $2000 worth of difficult. What a fucking maroon. Just a quick call and Dereck could have avoided this whole damn mess. The housekeeping people would have been more than happy to take Dereck some John Wayne toilet paper. John Wayne TP? It’s rougher than hell and don’t take any shit.

Dirty ass and two large worth of damage and soon Dereck won’t need toilet paper. His ass will be cleaned by our adopted felon, Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams. I don’t think Dereck will ever bitch about TP again. But then again he is a …….

Dumbass.

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