Category: Recession

Budget Shortfall Solution? Dem Says "Tax Bicycles!"

Miss Cleo

Sunday’s Best of Dumbass News

Here we are in what is arguably the worst economic period in the United States since the Great Depression. Liberals, like the Dipshit in Chief, do what they do every time the economy turns even the least bit sour. They yell from the highest mountain top for higher taxes, especially on the rich. Despite having been proved a fallacy every time it’s been tried, Liberals continue to scream for more taxes. Sometimes, they refer to a new tax as a “fee”. It’s still a damned tax, dumbass! The latest liberal asswipe to want to confiscate more of your money is a Democrat (go figure) from New Jersey (go figure again) named Cleopatra Tucker of Essex, NJ.

Cleo’s brilliant idea is to tax bicycle riders by having them register their bikes! Now she wants the government to issue license plates for bikes! Wait a minute, this gets even better. Cleo’s reasoning for taxing your bike? This is Double Barrel Dumbass, folks. Cleo wants to tax your bike in order to make the streets safer for old people! What a dumbass! “My goal was to at least begin a discussion of how best to protect elderly pedestrians. No idea is perfect, but protecting elderly pedestrians deserves attention,” said Tucker. Dumbasspatra said that several old folks had called her office to complain about being knocked over by bike riders. Bullshit. Anyway, in Cleo’s mind taxing the bike is going to make it safe for the old folks of New Jersey to hobble down the street! What. The. Fuck? If an old guy gets knocked on his ass by a bicyclist, two things come to mind. One, he’s senile and is walking in the street or two, the bike rider is riding on the sidewalk and breaking an existing law. Oh, I apologize. I simply forgot how taxing and registering cars has virtually eliminated auto accidents. How stupid of me. I’m sure that police officers all over Jersey would be on the lookout for a six year old without a state-approved license plate on his bike. I mean, the cops don’t have a single more important thing to do than bust bike registration scofflaws. I am getting a headache.

After being called everything but a Child of God for the last week, Cleodumbasstra Tucker decided that maybe her idea wasn’t such a good idea. Ya think? Now bicyclists all over New Jersey are free to run over senior citizens at will once again and then Cleo baby will again call for some kind of tax to keep seniors safe from the menacing hordes of New Jersey bike riders. I have an idea, why tax the bikes when you can tax the old people! I’m sure there are more old people than bikes in NJ, so the revenue generated by this type of law would solve every conceivable economic problem in New Jersey.Tax ’em enough and they’ll all become shut-ins, thus keeping them safe from those evil bicyclists. And if a little old lady strolls on the sidewalk, she does so at her own risk and she’s fair game for the next Schwinn zooming by! That makes as much sense as anything Cleopatra Tucker has proposed.



USF Star Wars Statues – 10 Grand; Students – Goose Egg

Economically, this country is in pretty rough shape. Officially the unemployment rate is about 9%. If you count the people who have given up on finding a job, the rate is about 16%. That ain’t good. What’s worse is that our elected dumbasses continue to spend like a stripper on a three day meth binge. Some of you may consider that statement as a comparison between the US Congress and meth addled “exotic dancers”. You are entirely correct and I’d like to apologize to all speed freak strippers across this great land of ours. My point is that in such troubling financial times, we should all be extremely careful how we spend our hard earned money. This goes exponentially for Congress. We didn’t get to be $14 trillion (that’s a 1000  billion times fourteen, folks), by pinching pennies but that’s another story for another day.
The Dumbass Chancellor
It appears that the regional Chancellor of the University of South Flo rida Polytechnic, from here on referred to as USF Tech, didn’t get the memo. This is an educated, presumably in public schools, man who has more than one taco missing from the ole Taco Bell Shitload of Tacos meal. This dumbass took $10,000 dollars from the school’s general funds and spent it on…wait…for…it..Star Wars statues to be erected on campus! And a statue of E.T. And a replica of the chair that Captain Kirk sat in on Star Trek. I think that this dumbass was Lost in Space (I made a funny) at some point in his life and has never returned to Earth. Or reality. Why would a college Chancellor spend ten large i such a frivolous manor? Besides being a dumbass without a clue, he wanted to “encourage inspiration beyond conventional thought for business students”. That’s a quote straight from the UPI story I got the idea for this post from. I think this particular meth head guy has been buying some bad shit from the local strippers. It’s not like there is some impoverished young person could use ten grand for an education or something.

Florida Lawmakers Pissed
Long story short, a couple of Republican state lawmakers are pissed and Chancellor Chewbaca is is deep doo doo. As it should be. BTW, no Democrat state rep came forward to condemn this blatant misuse of university funds. They were evidently hoping the Chancellor had a couple thousand extra laying around to build a statue of themselves. Or at least build a dog park named after the elected dumbass where the stench would remind USF Tech students of the smell of a liberal asshole. Hopefully the Chancellor will visit the dog park and step in a steaming pile of liberalism.