Category: Red Meat

Dumbass Steals Meat, Gets Burned


The Dumbass Capital of the USA is at it again. No, not Washington, DC, but Californee. The setup to the story is really nothing out of the ordinary. A dumbass goes into a bar to look for people to buy his wares. I have been in bars where young ladies come in selling roses, men and women come in the hope of selling some fake ass jewelry, raffle tickets, all kinds of shit. Anyway, our dumbass goes into a bar because he’s got some meat for sale. Stolen meat from a local grocery store! Go figger. So, being a good dumbass, he walks up to a couple of guys having a beer and asks them if want  a good deal on some meat. They reply, “Sure!” Little did our dumbass know that he was trying to sell this stolen meat to a couple of guys who work for the grocery store from which the meat is stolen! bwahahahahahaha  The meat thief’s goose (not stolen) is cooked.

The crook obviously didn’t know that the two guys he was trying to sell stolen meat to were store employees, but he was too damn stoopid to, oh, I don’t know, sell the meat on the other side of town! I mean seriously. What the dumbass did was like stealing a car from the guy across the street and then driving through the same neighborhood to show it off. Another thing….how in the hell did the guy steal a bunch of meat from a grocery and get away with it? It can’t be easy to hide a rump roast in your Jockey shorts and simply walk out of the store with it. How many trips did this guy make in and out the store in order to get enough meat to sell? Dumbasses demand answers!

We’re probably into the area of Felony Stolen Meat here, so our dumbass will likely spends some time in the Big House, where he will learn a lot more about meat than he ever wanted to know, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dumbass.


A Dumbass Science Experiment

Dumbasses come in all shapes, sizes, colors and nationalities. At any given moment, any one of God’s children could pull a serious dumbass maneuver. Dumbass does not discriminate. For example, thousands of formerly trusted and respected men of science, pulled a case of Mass Simultaneous Dumbass concerning the scam that is Glo-bull Warming. Professional Dumbass Watchers, such as yours truly, refer to this condition as MSD, or in the vernacular, stupid as hell. But enough of the technical talk.

For today’s Dumbass of the Day, we travel about 200 miles out my back door to Canada, or as it is sometimes called, Home of Hosers and Dumbasses. I don’t mean that in a bad way, one of my best friends, Kyle, is Canadian, but that says more about the quality, or lack thereof, of my friends than it does Canada. But, I digress.

Anyway, some dumbass Canuck scientists got a brilliant idea to study how red meat affects men. If I were a betting man, I would wager a month’s salary that funding for this dumbass meat study came either from the Provincial government or the Federal dumbasses in Ottawa. I’ll go one step further and speculate that it was not an insignificant amount of money. But, I could be wrong. Probably not, but I could be. McGill University is the proud home of these dumbass scientists and their dopey experiment. If I’m Canadian and this is a publicly funded university, I’d be pissed off and would seriously contemplate putting a severed moose head in the bed of the scientists involved in this sham.

I have an idea on how to do this experiment for the price of a couple of liters (a dumbass Canadian measure of volume) of gasoline, a steak and a beer. I am talking you, dumbass scientists! If you really want to know the effects of red meat on men, drive on over to your neighborhood Outback Steakhouse and order one 20oz. t-bone steak and tell two different men, without the knowledge of other, that the steak is for him. Then order a Molson’s and sit back and watch the effects of red meat on men as these two guys beat the hell out of each other over a t-bone. See how easy that is? And it cost less than fifty bucks! Dumbasses.

If you think I’m making this stuff up, here’s a link to the story. If you don’t want to click over to the story, I don’t blame you. Besides, it’s written in Canadian anyway. Eh?