Best of Dumbass News
Public restrooms ain’t what they used to be. Hell, restrooms in general ain’t so hot these days.
Many years ago, Texaco used an advertising strategy that featured their always-clean johns. It was something the traveling public wanted, so Texaco gave it to ’em. When you are looking to buy a home, adequate “facilities” are near the top of the list of important features your new home must have. See where I am going with this?
These days, toilets in public places and businesses, even toilets in homes don’t always fall into a category that one might reasonably call sanitary or private. Port-o-potties? Don’t even get me going on those things. Dumbasses all over the country have taken to giving bath rooms a dirty name.
Remember the guy who did some doo doo diving in a portable toilet? There’s also the story of the shit for brains who ripped a toilet seat from its mounts and set out to murder another guy! Even the loo in the largest retailer in the world, WalMart, is not immune from dumbassery. What about when you go into the can to poop and there ain’t no toilet paper? That happened to a guy at a Motel 6 and he went on a destructive rampage!
Another Toilet Horror Story
At a JCPenney store in West Palm Beach, Florida, the Loss Prevention Officer at the West Palm Beach Store noticed the ceiling fan in the [ladies]bathroom was dislodged just after 9 a.m, Monday and a closer examination revealed a cellphone aimed toward the bathroom’s toilets was recording video!
Naturally the cops were notified and responded to the call.
When the cops got to JCPenney, the Loss Prevention Chick told them that she had a suspect in mind with regards to this incident. After a great deal of intensive detective-ing, the cops came up with a brilliant idea – go to the Personnel Department and review the suspect’s job application for some information that might help nab the bastard. Guess what they found on the job app? Yes! A cell phone number! They called it. The cell phone in the ladies’ room rang! Busted!
No El Got-o El Green Card-o
Further investigation revealed that the owner of the cell phone, Rafael Dieguez, was not Rafael Dieguez at all! He was actually Rafael’s brother, Marco Bartolon-Velasquez! But wait, there’s more! Marco Bartolon-Velasquez is…wait…for…it…an illegal alien!
Bartolon-Velasquez, who has been in the United States illegally for four years, said he was using his brother’s name for “employment purposes” and was using the cell phone cam to ensure that his fellow employees were doing their jobs properly. Har har.
Hold on, this gets even better.
The vato admitted to have been filming activity in the ladies’ room since last Christmas! He also stated to the police that he had never recorded anything in the mens’ room. I’ll bet.<—dripping with sarcasm
The pendejo was arrested and is awaiting trial… and prison bitchery.
No driver’s license for him!
Dumbass News Toilet Safety PSA
As we plow into the Christmas shopping season at breakneck speed, keep this story (and the stories at the links) in mind the next time you gotta take a whiz in the toilet of a fine retail merchant near you.
You never know what’s going on behind those doors.
Smile! You’re on Candid Camera!
|No Food or Drink Beyond This Point|
Alas, I must give credit where credit is due for this
outstanding dumbass idea. The Picnic in the Pooper idea comes from a Florida dumbass named Taylor Dresia of Vero Beach. You see, Taylor was eating lunch in the bathroom of the local Wally World when a walMart employee discivered him, and obviously jealous that he wasn’t the one who originated this mental masterpiece, demanded that Taylor vacate the head and vamoos ASAP. The dumbass employee, in a jealous rage, said that Taylor was blocking the stall so other patrons could not use the facilities. Likely story! Ha! The reality of the situation is that the WalMart worker is too fucking stoopid to understand that Taylor has come up with a million dollar idea. Can you say snack bar in the bathroom lobby? No wonder the typical WalMart dumbass makes minimum wage. Dipshits.
I am, of course, just kidding here. What kind of dumbass wants to eat lunch in a bathroom??!! You might as well take a dump in the dining area of Taco Bell and scarf down a few bean burritos right next to the steaming pile of dookie. Taylor Dresia, you are a mental midget and a sick bastard who needs to be institutionalized – in Picnic Free Zone… and a padded cell.