Best of Dumbass News
|Redneck Bottle Rocket|
What is a Redneck? A Redneck is a hard-working harder livin’, God-fearing, take no shit and will kill a sonuvabitch that presents a clear and present danger to him or his family kind of a man. A Redneck is a man who will help his neighbor because it’s the right thing to do, not because some Yankee Liberal dickweed from the Gubmint forced him to do so. Rednecks love music and often have a little band that plays places like the VFW on weekends. He loves Lynyrd Skynyrd, Hank Williams, Jr, Willie and Waylon and George Jones. Regardless of what some guy whose closest encounter with the South is bucket of chicken from the Colonel, not all Rednecks are stoopid. Or dumbasses. The great majority of us are pretty good people. That’s the short version of what a Redneck is. I am a Redneck. I am proud to be a Redneck and anybody that doesn’t like Rednecks can kiss my Redneck ass. Now we can get to today’s story. Provided of course that you didn’t kiss my ass and split the scene. 🙂
However, Some Rednecks ARE Stoopid
There are dumbasses in every segment and ethnicity of the American people. I am sad to say it, but that includes Rednecks. But a Dumbass Redneck is a higher quality of Redneck than any segment of the other Dumbasses in our society. It’s in the Bible, I think. Look under St. Jim Bob, Ch1, Vs1. Rednecks like Mark Wach of Palm City, Florida are the kinds of Rednecks that give the rest of us a bad name. Why?
Mark was, as we Rednecks say, drunk. In his state of intoxication, Mark was having a nice, normal bit of Redneck Fun by blasting away with his firearms. Shooting a gun while drunk is against all that a normal Redneck believes in, therefore Mark is in serious danger of losing his Redneck Card and being forced to un-learn the Top Secret Redneck Handshake. If he can’t un-learn it, then we’ll just kill him. Anyway…Mark was firing off a few rounds on his property when he and his son got into an altercation. The son was all out of whack not simply because Mark was shooting his guns, the son was pissed because Mark was shooting the son’s lawn mower which was in the son’s yard. Where I’m from, we call this Wednesday. As usual, the cops showed up and spoiled the fun. Mark was quick to point out to the fuzz that “this is what Redneck people do.” This is true. But 99% of the time, we did stuff like this before we got bombed. After we got lit up real good, we would move on to much safer Redneck activities. Stuff like playing horse shoes. With the horse shoes still on the horse! Those were mighty good times. Except for the horses.
I do not endorse or condone using a firearm while drunk. That is completely unacceptable at any time. Aside from that minor detail, Mark and his son, I think his name is Bobby Bob, were doing nothing more than having a good old Redneck Hootnanny. However, Mark did some stoopid shit and it gives all Rednecks a bad name.
Here’s some brother to brother, man to man, Redneck to Redneck advice: next time you want to get to’ down, put the weapons away! Play horse shoes. But make sure the horse is cool with it first. Trust me on this one.
|Getaway Car for Dumbasses|
Here we go again. Another dumbass committing a crime and trying to make his getaway on a riding lawnmower! We have covered dumbasses on riding lawnmowers before. Today’s dumbass continues that tradition amongst dumbasses. A tradition that only dumbasses enjoy.
Ricky New of Aiken, South Carolina is the latest dumb fuck to pull this stunt. Our man Ricky recently went into a convenience store armed not with a gun or knife, but a stick! That earns Ricky one dumbass point right there. Once in the store, Ricky pulls his stick and tells the clerks to “Give me your damn money”, which is not the Christian way to pull a robbery. He should have said “Please give me your damn money”. As you can see, it’s hard to find a quality convenience store robber these days. Anyway, Ricky yanks out his stick., forgets to say “please” and starts beating a female clerk with his weapon. After getting his booty, Ricky hops onto his Craftsman riding mower and , zooms would be the wrong word to use here, sputters off in hopes of outrunning a high performance police car. Dumbass.
I know this will be difficult to believe, but Ricky had a rather impressive rap sheet and was well-known to the Aiken PD. Yes, I’m afraid it’s true. Ricky is a repeat offender and a dumbass. Go figure. Anyway, a short time later, the cops caught up with Ricky and his getaway mower and invited him to have coffee and donuts at the Aiken Crossbar Hilton. Not really. They just busted him and threw him in a cell after being charged with assault and battery and armed robbery. No word on what happened to the stick or if Ricky offered to mow the grounds around the Police department.
Here’s to hoping that while he’s in prison, that Ricky catches the eye of our adopted delon Leon “Hung Like a Stallion” Williams. it sounds like a match made in Heaven, doesn’t it? After all, Leon gives free lessons in “How to Drop the Soap”. Ricky will be thrilled I’m sure.
|A Lawnmower and Its Dumbass*|
What’s with the overstock of dumbasses in Florida these days? Yesterday, in Manatee, Florida, we had a guy who tried to hide some crack cocaine in his ass crack. Today our dumbass, Charles McDaniel, is in the Tampa Bay Area. However, McDaniel is not trying hide crack in his crack. He is attempting to escape from police with his ass planted firmly on a riding lawnmower! Here’s the deal: Tampa Bay law enforcement got a tip that McDaniel was concealing stolen property in his home. During the service of the search warrant, somebody notified the cops that McDaniel was fleeing the scene on a riding lawnmower! Zipping along at the lightning speed of about 7 miles per hour, McDaniel was soon apprehended by the local constabulary, who were giving pursuit in patrol cars equipped with highly modified, 400 horsepower V-8s. Good ol’ Chuck was arrested and charged with a bucket full of felonies and being a dumbass. End of story, right? Wrong. The highly-trained and professional “journalists” at TampaBay.com needed to add perspective to this story, so they found a guy who sets land speed records on, you’ve got it, riding lawnmowers! What.The.Frak? This sort of insight is invaluable to the average newspaper reader. Mr. and Mrs. Average Newspaper Reader would never believe that cops with high performance squad cars could catch a dumbass trying to escape them on a riding lawnmower, so the reporters of this story contact a dumbass named Bobby Cleveland, who has done 96.5 mph on a souped up John Deere who says brilliant things like “You could get it to about 7 or 8 miles per hour — max.” Then Mr. Dumbass Hot Rod Lawnmower Riding Guy gives us this pearl of wisdom, “It’s not an escape vehicle,” he said. “You’re sitting up there too high, so there’s nowhere to hide. And they’re just a little too slow…”
No shit, Briggs and Stratton breath. We have established the fact that Charles McDaniel is a dumbass for trying to elude police on a riding lawnmomwer, but now we have two more dumbasses in this story. Hot Rod John Deere Guy and those Mensa Members at tampabay.com Here’s what I think: anybody that rides a lawnmower at 96.5 mph is a dumbass. But this maroon is probably a product of the public school system, so I’ll cut him a break. On the other hand,we have the reporters at tampabay.com. They took up valuable company time costing who knows how much to actually search for Souped Up Lawn Mower Dumbass for his “professional opinion” on why Charles McDaniel is a dumbass for fleeing the fuzz on a riding lawnmower! Now that’s dumbassery at its best. Hell, the reporter dumbasses could have picked any name out of the Tampa phone book and gotten the same observations. Is it any wonder that the American citizenry holds the main stream media in such low regard? The Dumbass runs thick in Tampa Bay. You’d need a new John Deere just to cut through it. Dumbasses.
**Photo from Aol News**