Category: Robbery

Dumbass Tries to Rob Police Station, Says He Was Just Kidding!

I have more news regarding Mrs. Fearless Leader and her surgery, but I’ll spare you the details and simply say that the news ain’t all that bad, but it sure ain’t all that good either. She’s gonna be OK and that’s the main thing. With that being said, I’ll also tell you that she has a second surgery scheduled for Halloween Day. Dammit.

I am buried under an avalanche of stuff to do to keep the house running as smoothly as possible and at the same time be Dad to my two young daughters while Mrs FL is on the mend, so finding more than a few minutes to write ain’t happening yet. I promise to be back ASAP and Dumbass News will be bigger and  better than ever! Of course it would be very difficult to be any worse , but I am sure I could find a way if I tried.

It’s a tough row to hoe, but your Fearless Leader has it under control. Mostly. 🙂

Thank you all again for your continued support and prayers. They are greatly appreciated.

Best of Dumbass News

There are Dumbasses and then there are Dumbasses. The story that I am about to tell you about is one of the latter – a full tilt boogie Dumbass. And a Future Prison Bitch.

Every day, I write about the stoopid shit that people do. That’s my job as Fearless Leader of the Dumabss Horde – to write about Dumbasses and the incredibly insane stunts they pull. The subject of today’s post is the leader at the halfway pole in the race for Dumbass of the Year, 2012. And that is saying a whole lot.

What I Mean

I did two quick mouse clicks and accessed the archives to Dumbass News and randomly picked out someposts from three consecutive days. These three stories (Nekkid Maids in Lubbock , Woman Takes Dump on Interstate & 73 Year Old Granny Dope Dealer)were, until I cam across today’s Dumbass, certainly receiving due consideration as Dumbass of the Year nominees. Not any more. The guy who stars in today’s episode of Dumbass News smokes the competition like a cheap cigar when it comes to the DoY candidates thus far in 2012. But, there is hope! While today’s Dumbass may be the Leader in the Clubhouse, it’s not even June yet, so who knows what Dumbasses await us over the next six months?

Gimme All Your Money!

When I read those few words as reportedly used in the commission of an illegal act, I think of a bank robbery. Or of some dipshit knocking off a 7-11. Or even a simple mugging. Today, I would be wrong.

Let me splain.

In the Dallas-area town of Wilmer, Texas (it’s near Hutchins…:) ) lives the Dumbass whose name will live on in Wilmer History long after his Earthly Demise. He will be forever known as the Dumbass Who Did the Stoopidest Thing in the Annals of Stoopid Things Done in Wilmer, Texas or Anywhere Else.

Keithan Manuel is an 18 year old Wilmer resident. From what could ascertain from the source article from CBS News, Keithan had had dealings with the Wilmer Police in the past. Anyway, Keithan (and who the hell names a kid “Keithan”? A Dumbass, that’s who. So it looks like Keithan came across being an idiot genetically) went to the WPD to check on some information on an arrest warrant. Nothing dumbass about that.

Then Keithan opened his mouth.

Upon approaching the Police Clerk, did Keithan cheerfully greet the Clerk with a familiar Texas “Howdy!” Nope. How about a “Good morning/afternoonn. Not this time. Keithan, with all the youthful exhuberance he could muster said, “Give me all your money!” OFFICIAL DUMBASS REMINDER: Keithan just demanded money from an on-duty Police Officer right smack dab in the middle of the Wilmer (Texas) Police Department! Did I mention that he also told the clerk that he (Keithan) was carrying a pistol? And that his hands were wrapped up inside a white towel as if he were holding something (a pistol maybe?) there? I have now.

As a Texan, I can assure you without one scentilla of hesitation or doubt, that this is NOT a good thing to do at a Police Station in Texas. The Law Enforcement Community in Texas, especially small towns, consists of men and women whose close relationship to the people they serve is considered to be of paramount importance in helping them discharge their duties as sworn Peace Officers as smoothly as possible. Again, as a Texan, I can also state categorically that walking into a building occupied by fully armed and highly trained Texas cops demanding money and announcing that you are packing a rod as if trying to commit a robbery, is not only a dumbass thing to do, but it is also a good way to gain 10 – 12 extra pounds. Ten or tweleve pounds of .45 calibre hollow points that have, with great prejudice, been dispatched into to your torso courtesy of Messeurs Smith and Wesson.

The Joker

He Was Joking!

Later, at the Dallas County Jail, Keithan told a local TV station that “I play like that all the time. I didn’t thinl she would take it seriously”. What a kidder that Keithan is! It’s a cryin’ shame that a young man can’t even walk into a Police Station with what appears to be a weapon wrapped inside a towel, announce to the Police Clerk that he is armed, demand the clerk’s money and then not have a good chortle with the Guys on Duty! What’s the world coming to? 

To top it all off, Keithan (what a pussy name) now spends his days in the Dallas County Big House under a total of $300,000 bail wondering why can’t the Wilmer (Texas) Police just have a sense of humor and what life in the Texas Department of Corrections holds for him. Prison bitch, anyone?

Where are Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson when you need them? Oh, wait. There’s no money to be made in this case. Sad, ain’t it?

Did I say how much I hated the name “Keithan”?

Dumbass.

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Future Prison Bitch Tries to Rob Police Station in Texas!

Prison Bitch-In-Waiting; His Name Rhymes w/ “Teeth On”

There are Dumbasses and then there are Dumbasses. The story that I am about to tell you about is one of the latter – a full tilt boogie Dumbass. And a Future Prison Bitch.

Every day, I write about the stoopid shit that people do. That’s my job as Fearless Leader of the Dumabss Horde – to write about Dumbasses and the incredibly insane stunts they pull. The subject of today’s post is the leader at the halfway pole in the race for Dumbass of the Year, 2012. And that is saying a whole lot.

What I Mean

I did two quick mouse clicks and accessed the archives to Dumbass News and randomly picked out someposts from three consecutive days. These three stories (Nekkid Maids in Lubbock , Woman Takes Dump on Interstate & 73 Year Old Granny Dope Dealer)were, until I cam across today’s Dumbass, certainly receiving due consideration as Dumbass of the Year nominees. Not any more. The guy who stars in today’s episode of Dumbass News smokes the competition like a cheap cigar when it comes to the DoY candidates thus far in 2012. But, there is hope! While today’s Dumbass may be the Leader in the Clubhouse, it’s not even June yet, so who knows what Dumbasses await us over the next six months?

Gimme All Your Money!

When I read those few words as reportedly used in the commission of an illegal act, I think of a bank robbery. Or of some dipshit knocking off a 7-11. Or even a simple mugging. Today, I would be wrong.

Let me splain.

In the Dallas-area town of Wilmer, Texas (it’s near Hutchins…:) ) lives the Dumbass whose name will live on in Wilmer History long after his Earthly Demise. He will be forever known as the Dumbass Who Did the Stoopidest Thing in the Annals of Stoopid Things Done in Wilmer, Texas or Anywhere Else.

Keithan Manuel is an 18 year old Wilmer resident. From what could ascertain from the source article from CBS News, Keithan had had dealings with the Wilmer Police in the past. Anyway, Keithan (and who the hell names a kid “Keithan”? A Dumbass, that’s who. So it looks like Keithan came across being an idiot genetically) went to the WPD to check on some information on an arrest warrant. Nothing dumbass about that.

Then Keithan opened his mouth.

Upon approaching the Police Clerk, did Keithan cheerfully greet the Clerk with a familiar Texas “Howdy!” Nope. How about a “Good morning/afternoonn. Not this time. Keithan, with all the youthful exhuberance he could muster said, “Give me all your money!” OFFICIAL DUMBASS REMINDER: Keithan just demanded money from an on-duty Police Officer right smack dab in the middle of the Wilmer (Texas) Police Department! Did I mention that he also told the clerk that he (Keithan) was carrying a pistol? And that his hands were wrapped up inside a white towel as if he were holding something (a pistol maybe?) there? I have now.

As a Texan, I can assure you without one scentilla of hesitation or doubt, that this is NOT a good thing to do at a Police Station in Texas. The Law Enforcement Community in Texas, especially small towns, consists of men and women whose close relationship to the people they serve is considered to be of paramount importance in helping them discharge their duties as sworn Peace Officers as smoothly as possible. Again, as a Texan, I can also state categorically that walking into a building occupied by fully armed and highly trained Texas cops demanding money and announcing that you are packing a rod as if trying to commit a robbery, is not only a dumbass thing to do, but it is also a good way to gain 10 – 12 extra pounds. Ten or tweleve pounds of .45 calibre hollow points that have, with great prejudice, been dispatched into to your torso courtesy of Messeurs Smith and Wesson.

He Was Joking!

Later, at the Dallas County Jail, Keithan told a local TV station that “I play like that all the time. I didn’t thinl she would take it seriously”. What a kidder that Keithan is! It’s a cryin’ shame that a young man can’t even walk into a Police Station with what appears to be a weapon wrapped inside a towel, announce to the Police Clerk that he is armed, demand the clerk’s money and then not have a good chortle with the Guys on Duty! What’s the world coming to? 

To top it all off, Keithan (what a pussy name) now spends his days in the Dallas County Big House under a total of $300,000 bail wonder why can’t the Wilmer (Texas) Police just have a sense of humor and what life in the Texas Department of Corrections holds for him. Prison bitch, anyone?

Where are Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson when you need them? Oh, wait. There’s no money to be made in this case. Sad, ain’t it?

Did I say how much I hated the name “Keithan”?

Dumbass.

Robbed While Buying Pot, Dumbass Calls Police!

Dumbass Lettuce

I have written before on these very pages about dumbasses and drugs. I wrote about a couple of dumbasses who lost $425,000 worth of pot. Not to mention the idiot who was busted for pot possession and told the cops “This is how I make my money”. There is more of the same Dumbass Modus Operandi in the archives, but after reading these two stories, you’ll get the picture that dumbasses and drugs don’t make a very good combination.

There is this Honest to Goodness bona fide dumbass in Charleston, West Virignia who recently went to a seedy neighborhood looking to buy some pot. That alone is worth a Dumbass News mention. But this gets better! The weed-buying dumbass was on top of his game on the night in question. He  was robbed ( no shit!?) while making his purchase and all of the sudden he became a concerned citizen, so he called the Police! Now, I don’t know about you, but if I were making an illicit drug buy and something went wrong, the Police are the last people on my “To Call” list. I’m thinking that the victim would chalk it up as a dumbass, but learning, experience and go on about his life poorer but wiser. But nooooooooooooooo, this dipshit calls the cops.

But wait, there’s more! After the cops arrive to help this guy out, he tells them he has decided to not press charges against the robber! Are. You. Kidding. Me? The people of Charleston, WV must come up with a plan to get a more suitable type of dumbass into their city. This dickweed, whose name is Jeremy Stalnaker needs to be sent to Dumbass Hell or California (whichever is cheaper) for being not only a someone who will some day father little dumbasses who will be members the C-town community, but, in general, is a blight on honest dumbasses everywhere. I propose here and now that we start a Bus to Callifornia Fund for Jeremy Stalnaker. Hit the donate to PayPal button in the right sidebar and I’ll make sure that Jeremy Stalnaker receives his One-way ticket to the West Coast, where he’ll fit in nicely with the Granola Crowd out there.

In the meantime, keep those donations rolling in and I’ll take good care of them for you. I will personally drive to Charleston and hand deliver Jeremy Stalnaker’s bus ticket to him. The fine citizens of Charleston, West Virginia must rise up and meet this Dumbass Challenge! Until such time as I can hand-deliver Jeremy Stalnaker’s one-way bus ticket to LaLa Land, Jeremy deserves nothing short of ridicule and scorn, along with a trustworthy pot supplier, until the Greyhound leaves the station westward bound. Help the brother out.

Dumbass.

Old WalMart Greeter Dumbass Robs the WalMart He Works At!

This Is NOT George

I like Old People. Hell, I am almost an Old People myself. Old Farts have a lot to offer those around them. They didn’t get to be Old People by being stoopid. But sometimes when People get to be Old People they transform into Old Stoopid People. Take, for instance, George Plane, Jr. of Statesville, North Carolina. George was just a nice Old Man working as a greeter at the local WalMart when Satan took over his Soul. At this point George went from Nice Old Man to Nice Old Man Who Is Now a Dumbass Felon. Let me splain.

George was doing his duty as a WalMart greeter making shoppers feel welcomed when he left his post and went outside to his car. While there, George put on a disguise and went back into the store. He hauled ass (as much an 83 year old man can haul ass) to the Garden Department and pulled out a pistol! George pointed the gun at a Garden Department employee and demanded all the cash in the register. During this felonious assault, George the Old Dumbass Felon fired a shot into the air. A couple of things here. I’m thinking that a gun shot inside the WalMart might garner some attention. But that’s just me. Second, and more important, an 83 year old man in a disguise just might strike some people as odd. For God’s sake, did this Old Felonious Dumbass really think that nobody would recognize him? 83 year old dudes in some weird get up are not what you’d expect to see at the local WalMart store. I’m thinkin’ that George stood out like a guy in a white sheet and a pointed hat at an NAACP rally. I’m just sayin’. Dumbass.

George got the cash from the register, then used his walker to make a bee line for his car and make good his escape. But, George didn’t make it far when he was stopped by the cops for Driving While Not Able to See Over the Steering Wheel and armed robbery, but mostly armed robbery. Upon arresting George, one of the cops said (I am not making mthis up), “He appeared to be in good shape”. Except for the fact that he was eaten up with the dumbass!

Now days George works as a Death Row Greeter, (“Welcome to Death Row…”) at the North Carolina Prison for the Criminally Dumbass.

Dumbass.

Another Dumbass and Cell Phone Episode

Favorite Phone of Dumbasses Everywhere

The internet is a great thing. You can shop, pay bills, find information on almost anything, even find a spouse. However, with all this electronic convenience comes plenty of electronic danger – stolen IDs, credit card fraud, prostitution, even death. Having said all that, the World Wide Web is an incredible tool, with the benefits of it far outweighing its downside. I would think that any almost sane person would know and recognize the warning signs of a bad thing on the net. Still, there are dumbasses who put themselves in situations that could lead to bad things happening to them.

You just know that I am going somewhere with this, don’t you? There’s this dumbass out in California (but, I repeat myself) who found an iPhone for sale on Craigslist and set up a meeting with the seller. The meeting was, get ready for this, to be held behind a Carl’s Jr’! This is one of those bad things I mentioned up there^^^ Did I tell you that the dumbass had $500 cash money on him to purchase the iPhone with? Yep. Let us go over this situation again. Dumbass finds iPhone for sale on Craigslist. Dumbass has $500 cash to purchase iPhone with. Dumbass also sets a meeting with the iPhone seller behind Carl’s Jr. What could possibly go wrong? If you said the “seller” of the iPhone pulls a semiautomatic pistol and robbed the dumbass with $500, you win a Dinky Button. The Police were as dumbfounded as anybody about this crime. A cop from the local PD said, “Broad daylight in a public place — you really can’t ask for anything more than that,” the cop said. “This is so new, we don’t really have guidelines on it,” he said of criminals using online sales to lure victims. “Just be careful.” The cop actually said this with a straight face. He saved the side-busting laughter for later when there were no reporters around.

Just be careful indeed. Here are some tips from Dumbass News that you should follow when making a face to face transaction with someone on the internet: Rule 1) Schedule the meeting to be in a public place like inside the Carl’s Jr. Better yet follow Rule 2) Get a fucking PayPal account! They are FREE to set up and you’ll avoid a lot of hassles that could lead to, let’s say, armed robbery! Dumbass. Rule 3) Go to Best Buy or some other retailer. You can buy an iPhone there and even set up serivce with a major tele-electronics place, like Verizon or AT&T for $500 and they won’t even pull a semiautomatic pistol on you. Dumbass.