I am glad that HuffPo has a staff of millions and many of them have nothing better to do than surf the inter tubes looking for “weird news”. You see HuffPo’s “Weird News” often translates to Fearless Leader’s Dumbass News. So, it’s cool that they have the manpower to find all this stuff and I can steal it from them. Of course, I don’t plagiarize them, I simply report on it from a different angle than they do. They see “Weird News”, I see Dumbassery.
So, credit where credit is due and all that, thanks for today’s story idea, HuffPo.
|Fluffy the Moose|
As you know, I live in Maine. Up here there is abundant wildlife for viewing and occasionally running into – literally. There are frequent stories in the local news that tell about some poor person driving through the country side in their automobile and BAM! Ford meets moose. Moose wins. Sort of. People get killed by colliding with moose up here on a regular basis. Look, a bull moose tips the scales at about a ton. That’s two thousand pounds of bull moose smashing into a 2500 pound car.
It’s a mess.
Even if you simply come across a moose in the wild, they can be not so sociable and they can hurt you. bad. As in kill you dead. As. A. Doornail. There are occasional news stories about a wild moose straying onto a college campus or even a shopping mall in Maine, usually Bangor or Portland. College mooses sometimes become unofficial mascots of that particular campus.
Of course, if you live out in the woods or in a rural setting, encountering a moose is not that big of deal as long as you are cautious and keep your distance. Like any wild animal, once a moose loses his fear of people, he’s a dangerous sonuvabitch.
Back Yard Bullwinkle
Today’s Dumbass Moose Story doesn’t, however, take place in Maine. It happened just outside Ogden, Utah.
From HuffPo: “A moose was freed from a strange backyard entanglement thanks to a brave Utah deputy and a pair of cutters.
Sgt. Lane Findlay found himself face to face with the moose whose antlers were wrapped up in a backyard swing set this weekend.
The Weber County Sheriff’s deputy got the call Sunday and responded to a residential community outside Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. He said the moose appeared in distress, and was bleeding.
Findlay said he handed his mobile phone to an onlooker and asked the person to shoot video, telling him, “If something happens to me, give this to my wife.”
Oh, what a Dumbass, let me count the ways…
- The officer, while doing an admirable, if stoopid thing, is not a trained Wildlife Guy. Unless you count the hookers in Ogden, Utah as wildlife.
- He should have waited for the Game Warden to assess the situation and act accordingly.
- The moose was tangled up. “Tangled up” meaning “trapped’, “cornered”, “unable to flee”. Bad mojo.
- The second most important word in the paragraph above is “distressed”. A “distressed” moose is 2000 pounds of deadly fur if provoked or even if he thinks he’s being jacked with.
- The most important word, and by “most important” I mean BIG RED FLAG WARNING DANGER CAUTION DO NOT FUCK WITH TANGLED UP MOOSE word is BLEEDING! I think we can all surmise that a trapped, distressed, bleeding moose is not a critter to agitate any further.
- One wrong move and the “give this to my wife” moment will be your last moment on this planet and of breathing other peoples’ air.
- The cop is a Dumbass.
From the mouths of Dumbasses, “I just made the decision to go in there and see what I could do,” he said Wednesday. “Fortunately, the moose was tired and it didn’t seem threatened.” What. The. Fuck.
See 1 – 7 above.
More from the cop: “Pretty crazy stuff,” he said. “This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last.”
I. Am. Speechless.