Category: San Antonio

Texas Mayor Killed by Pet Ass!

I promise you that I did not plan on this week being Strange Ways to Die Week. It just turned out that way for some weird reason.

Earlier, I wrote about a guy dressed in a ghillie suit at night setting up a Bigfoot hoax on the highway and getting creamed by a Toyota. He did not come down for breakfast.

Bad Ass Ass

Now some poor soul down in South Texas has been killed at the hands (hooves?) of his pet donkey! This guy wasn’t just some Dumbass who was trying to schtoop an ass or something, he was the well-respected  Mayor of Hollywood Park, Texas.

Here’s the story from in San Antonio: “The Atascosa County Sheriff’s Office said Wednesday that the death of Hollywood Park Mayor William “Bill” Bohlke appears to be an accident. Bohlke was 65.
Chief Deputy David Soward says Bohlke apparently was attacked Monday morning by a male, aggressive donkey he kept on the ranch.
Investigators say the donkey and several others are still on the property with other livestock.
“He loved his animals. He loved ranching,” said Sandra Wilson.
According to the neighbor, Bohlke’s wife was concerned when he didn’t return to Hollywood Park after checking on his animals.
After dark, Wilson said several neighbors, jumped on all terrain vehicles and went looking for the Air Force veteran.
They found his truck still running hours after he was attacked.”

Calls for Ass Control

It’s difficult for me to poke fun at a guy who gets killed by a donkey apparently aggressive because of a female in heat, but getting sent to your reward by an ass looking for some female ass is not something you read about every day. Unless you live in Guatemala or some shit. Death by Donkey down there has seen a dramatic increase in recent years brought on by Global Warming-caused ass horniness. Why, animal rights pussies are even calling for ass control in many regions of Central America.

Screwing a donkey in Iran on the other hand is called “Tuesday night” by the rag heads over there.

OK, I confess. I made that part up. Except for the rag heads fucking donkeys in Iran. That shit really happens.

For now, at least ass control is off the table in Guatemala and other countries in the region. That all will change, however, when Juan Valdez is stomped into the Afterlife by that stupid burro he totes around the coffee plantation in Colombia. mark my words.

In the Meantime…

What’s a Fearless Leader to do when some guy is randomly attacked an killed by a horny donkey? Make fun of the poor bastard?

Not this time.

I can however eviscerate the donkey.

What in the name of all that is Holy would cause a donkey, a pet donkey no less(!), to attack a human being? Are donkeys stoopid enough to think that a man would steal his female ass from him? Oh, wait. I just remembered Iranian donkey humping. This activity must have made its way around the worldwide donkey community, thus contributing to this erratic donkey behavior. Donkeys are devious that way. And so are horny Iranians.

What a bunch of asses.

Dumb asses.


The Gorilla & the Dumbass

I think we have come across a first here at Dumbass News. I say “I think” because I used all the relevant search terms to scour the blog archives for a similarly themed story. My efforts were in vain. I was looking for a post relating to monkeys. Or chimps. Or gorillas. The closest I came to meeting that criterion was this post about King Kong. Even that story wasn’t about the real King Kong, just some ugly bitch who liked like the Big Ape.

Therefore, I believe we are about to boldly go where we have never gone before. Kind of like Star Trek.

Except we are in the alternate universe known as the Dumbass Divergence.

San Antone

Famous San Antonio Lez Bean Gorilla

A Dumbass named Paul Nimnicht (which is dangerously close to “Paul Numbnuts”) was on the North Side of the Alamo City at a nightclub called CoCo Bongo (are we sure that this idiot’s last name is not “Numbnuts”? CoCo Bongo? Really?) when he suddenly bolted from the premises darting into traffic and was greeted by a white Infinity. And by “greeted by” I mean “flattened like an IHOP short stack”. This is not really all that odd, even for San Antonio, considering that Numbnuts could have been commode huggin’ drunk and in dire need of being run over by a passing automobile. That’s merely speculation, and the recollection of a similar incident involving me and a Ford F-250 Pick Up Truck in Dallas and The Busy Bee Gentlemen’s Club, on my part though.

The strange part of this tale is that, at the time of his untimely confrontation with a luxury automobile, Numbnuts was being chased by a guy in a gorilla suit! As a Former Professional Drinker, let me assure you that being three sheets to the wind and simultaneously being aggressively pursued by a fellow dressed like King Kong can be a very disconcerting experience for the pursuee. To be honest, getting smacked by an Infinity was in a weird sort of way probably some form of relief for poor Numbnuts.

The Posse

At this point the San Antonio Police are involved and are pouring over the vicinity looking for a Dumbass in a gorilla suit. It should come as no surprise that the SAPD would catch the King Kong Guy. It would have taken a miracle of Biblical proportions or the sudden break out of a Meskin Lez Bean Orgy for a guy in a gorilla costume to escape the watchful and observant eye of San Antone’s Finest. God was busy and the Lez Beans were orgy-ing somewhere else in SA that night. Goober in the Gorilla Suit was found at a nearby bar. I ain’t kiddin’. I guess the zoo must be on the other side of town, because that’s the only place that would have provided Monkey Man with some sort of cover.

Soon Gorilla Boy will be eating “bananas” in the Bexar County Hilton, maybe to be followed by King Dong somewhere in the Texas Department of Erections Corrections.

Talk about your “Curious” George.