Category: Santa Claus

The Dumbass Way to Follow Santa’s Trip!

Merry Christmas!

OK, Dumbasses, it’s time to to make final preparations for the arrival of the Fat Guy in the Red Suit later tonight. I have done a bit of Google Fu and come up with several web sites that track the Jolly Old Elf as he delivers goodies to all the boys and girls around the world. the most famous and popular of these sites is the NORAD site. This is one thing that the gubmint does right.  NORAD has been tracking Santa on his yearly journey for many years, and I think that they are the most reliable and accurate. Here are the results of my Google Fu search prowess that might be of interest to you. It consists of a boatload of sites that keep an eye on The Fat Guy in the Red Suit during his flight. I might also suggest that one or more of your local TV and/or radio stations may also have the technology to track Santa and his reindeer. The point is that there is no shortage of resources that will help you and your kids follow Santa’s trip. Many sites also give you an approximate time that the Fat Guy in the Red Suit will be in your state, maybe even your neighborhood!

Sappy Stuff

You know, I get pretty stoopid and raunchy here on Dumbass News, but right now I want to be somewhat serious. 

I am so grateful to you for taking a few minutes of your time each day to lower your IQ at least five points by reading this blog. Now if you’d just hit the damn Tip Jar! It is Christmas time after all. 🙂

The Real Side

On the real side, Let me take a second to wish all you Dumbasses, Mrs. Dumbasses and all the little Dumbasses a blessed and joyous Christmas. Remember those words, “joyous” and “blessed” That’s the last time you’ll ever see them on this blog! 

God bless you all. 



Pimpin’ Out Christmas

Santa and His Special “Elf”

The Countdown has begun. No, dumbass, not The Countdown to the Super Bowl. The Countdown to the visit by a fat guy in a red suit driving a Corvette pulled by 400 horses. I made that part up. About the Corvette that is. Actually, the Fat Guy in the Red Suit has a pretty cool   ride – a low rider sleigh with neon lights all around the the “edges” of it. Red and green of course. Gotta stay in the spirit of the season. The sleigh is also decorated with chrome “rails”, its tires, if you will. Hidden behind the pink and purple (not so Christmas-y but The Fat Guy in the Red Suit is a big Elvis fan. Go figger) tuck and roll bench seat that The Fat Guy in the Red Suit sits on, (not so Christmas-y but The Fat Guy in the Red Suit is a big Elvis fan. Go figger) lays a 12 inch tube bass that thumps out rap versions of Christmas carols – except for Silent Night , because it mentions a virgin. Rap guys have never seen a virgin so they have no idea what it means. Yo yo, dumbasses, my niggas. <—--their word, not mine) The eight tiny reindeer are dressed up like pimps from a 70s “blacksploitation” movies, like Blackula. Even Rudolph is gettin’ in on the act. He now has some bling in that red nose of his – a diamond about the size of Suge Knight.

Christmas sure has changed since that day 2000 years ago. No longer do many of us not even think of the birth of the baby that would offer mankind Salvation and Eternal Life. It’s all about the bling. You know what I mean…the latest doll that pisses herself like a real baby for your 6 year old daughter. Or the video game for your 10 year old son. The game that shows human vermin killing cops and soldiers. That kind of bling. And I, for one, am sick and damn tired of it. All you wastes of skin can celebrate it however you see fit. That’s your right – a right that you’ll bitch about somebody “infringing” upon, but you’ll curse and spit upon the soldiers who protect that right for you. You ungrateful, saggy pants wearin’, crack smokin’, drug dealin’, ho sellin’, gang bangin’ bunch of pussies. Fuck you! Why don’t you take a little time this Christmas and read a few pages of a book? The Bible is a good place to start. Oh, that’s right, you can’t read because being a banger was more important than school and you quit in 9th grade. You were lucky to make it that far, but your teachers promoted you because they saw what a hopeless piece of shit you are and they wanted to pass you on to the next poor bastard who was gonna “teach”. I bet a dollar to a donut that your Mother knows the book well. Sit down and let her read it to you. It just might, just might mind you, plant a seed in your mind that what your doing with your life is the waste of a potentially good soul. One more thing…it might be the thing that’s makes your Mama proud of you again. Think about it. Life can’t get any more repugnant than the “existence” that you live now.

Merry Christmas.


***Photo Courtesy of Freaking*** 

2nd Grade Teacher Kills Students Belief in Santa

I believe. Do you?

Before I get going here, please make sure that there are children who can read nearby. This post reveals something that young children do not need to learn. Hint: it’s about the existence of Santa.

A lot of people make fun of guys like me for being a Redneck – stupid and insensitive amongst other stuff. But, to my eye, every time I hear of something that is stupid, and insensitive, it comes from those who “care” and “want to enlighten” the dregs of society. For example, the President of the United States called conservatives (the majority of whom are “Rednecks”) bitter, religion-clinging idiots. You know the type of dumbass who does this. Where I come from we call ’em Yankees. Or liberals. Or some school teachers.

Case in Point

A long time ago, we trusted school teachers to educate our children in the 3 Rs – reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmatic. Now days? Not so much. (but I’ll rant on that bullshit another day) A second grade school teacher in BumFuct, New York is a prime example of what many of our teachers have become – liberal weenie dumbasses. You know what I mean. Teachers who are adamant about indoctrinating our kids on climate change, global warming or whatever the latest feel good bullshit of the day is. Anyway, this dumbass teacher, for reasons unknown, told her second grade class that there is no Santa Claus! What the fuck? The disappointment in the faces of those kids must have been a horrible sight to see. Look, I may be a little rough around the edges, but telling second graders this sort of thing is not what this bitch should teach her students. As a matter of fact, global warming is more of a fantasy than Santa Claus. At least Santa lives today and will live in the hearts of kids for centuries to come. Global warming will soon enough be flushed down the toilet of liberal turd bowel movements.

Here Comes Santa Claus

I am not gonna mention this teacher’s name or town, but rest assured that she has been chastised in media outlets far larger than this one. Except that they (the media) won’t get pissed off about her destroying the beliefs and ruining countless Christmases to come for all those children. Maybe, just maybe, the Lame Stream Media should take a shotgun shell full of rock salt in the ass for being such pussies on this story. Frakkin’ dipshits.

The local school board has the issue “under consideration” and will act “appropriately” soon. Soon as in 2016 probably. Shit stains.

The media and the school district that employs this teacher may wimp out on this story, but as you know, I ain’t shy. So fuck ’em all. Sideways. Without lube.

In spite of what these assholes do or say, Santa will live in the hearts of children for hundreds of years to come, as he should. Viva Santa!

And screw the Scrooges. Bah! Humbug.