Category: Scotts Bull

Dumbass Sandwich Assault!

Melbeta, Nebraska. Population 112 in the 2010 Census.

That’s all I know about this tiny town except that it’s located near Scotts Bluff. I have heard of Scotts Bluff. Melbeta? Not so much. Until now. Thanks to two dumbasses and a sandwich.

Not So Quiet

One would think that such a small town would be a very quiet place. I guess it normally is. But all that peace and quiet was recently shattered when a couple, the Spurlings, got into it over the man’s boredom with living in the country.

Assault Sandwich

Things got so heated between the two that somewhere in there a sandwich assault occurred!

The Daily Mail fills us in, Mrs Spurling is reported to have become bored with the row and made herself a sandwich and returned to the couple’s bedroom – where he allegedly followed her.
The argument is then alleged to have become physical, with Mr Spurling accused of pulling his wife’s hair, pushing her down on the bed and rubbing the sandwich into her face.
Mr Spurling’s wife is reported to have had mayonnaise stains on her shirt when examined by the police.
She apparently told officers she had washed mayonnaise from her face and hair before they arrived at the property.
Mr Spurling, who denies the charge against him, was found lying face down on grass outside the couple’s home, according to the Scotts Bluff Star- Herald.

All Righty Then

I searched the Dumbass News Archives high and low and have verified that this is in fact the first Sandwich Assault story we have reported to you. What won’t we do to bring you the best dumbass stories out there? On second thought, it’s probably best not to ask that question, because God knows exactly what we’ll do for a few page views. But, I digress.
As you have prolly ascertained by now, this is BIG news in Melbeta. It’s not every day that a guy gets plastered on cheap ass malt likker and assails his wife with a bologna sandwich. This is such big news that it was picked up by one of the largest newspapers in the world! The whole sordid affair doesn’t do much for Melbeta’s image as a nice place to live, but still, news is news. Especially when it is Dumbass News-worthy. We only bring you quality stoopid shit. And we proved it again today. Nothing but the best shit for you, fellow Dumbasses.

It has been a pleasure exposing this sub assault and further showing what a drunk Dumbass and a sandwich can do for a small town’s standing in the Community of Man, while at the same time serving you a steaming pile of the premier poop you’ve come to expect from this blog.

Besides, the chick should have used mustard. Nobody uses mayo on a bologna sandwich. Those who do, suffer.

Dumbasses.

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