I am still fighting The Crud. I feel like someone ran me over with a Caterpillar Road Grater, so I am going to regale you with a post I wrote a few days after Christmas last year. Hell, I figure that if WalMart can have Christmas stuff in display in September, I can put up a story about Christmas in September. It’s a funny family story that I’m sure you can all relate to. Enjoy it! Dumbasses. 🙂
I have read some nice stories about people all over the country having such a wonderful Christmas with their families. Include my family on that list. The Terrero family in West Hartford, Connecticut had a very memorable Christmas, especially 19 year old Francheska. It was a typical Christmas Eve at the Terrero house until Francheska got into the Christmas “spirits”.
The story doesn’t say what prompted Francheska’s outburst, other than the fact that she was bombed, but she must have been in holiday frame of mind because she picked up the family Christmas tree and threw it at her parents! Assuming that ‘Terrero” is an Eye-talian name, I thought throwing Christmas trees at one’s parents might be some sort of weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition. So, being a Professional Internet Blogging Sensation and 10th Degree Black Belt in Google Fu, I went to the best source of Weird Eye-talian Christmas Traditions that I could find. My wife, who is Eye-talian. When I asked her about Christmas Tree Throwing as an Eye-talian tradition, she says to me, “Are you drunk?”. I took that as a “no”.
Anyway, Francheska got smashed on Christmas Eve and threw a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her Mom and Dad. Mom called 911 and reported a 10-86, which in Police 10-code terminology means “drunk daughter throws a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her parents. As Mom was on the phone with the cops, Frankie yanked the phone out her hand and threw that too at her father! I know for a fact that phone throwing on Christmas Eve is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, but it is a weird Christmas tradition for drunk Hungarians. But I digress.
So the heat (cops) show up at the Terrero home and notice that Francheska is FUBAR’ed and that the Christmas tree had been “relocated” and it was surrounded by some shattered ornaments. The police then explain to Francheska that even though Christmas tree throwing is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, it is against the law, especially if you throw the tree at another person. Frankie was charged with disorderly conduct, assault and interfering with a 911 call, not to mention throwing fully decorated Christmas trees at your parents while shit faced without a permit. OK, I made that last charge up.
Francheska was hauled off to jail, Mom and Dad were treated for minor injuries and the Christmas tree suffers from PTSD, so all things considered, everything turned out for the best and we can all be thankful that it wasn’t Thanksgiving and Francheska got hammered and threw a bowl of giblets at her parents. Or is that a weird Eye-talian Thanksgiving Tradition that I am unaware of ? I’ll have to ask my Eye-talian wife about that one. Hopefully, she won’t notice that I’m drunk. 🙂
(hat tip to Heather)
Where were you when the world stopped turnin’ that September day… I was at work and for some inexplicable reason, I was there about two hours early. I had already grabbed the Dallas Morning News and was reading the Sports section. With the TV at the bar tuned in to Fox News Channel, I just happened to look up and read the crawl across the bottom of the screen. The first plane had hit the North tower of the World Trade Center. My first thought was that the pilot of the jet had a heart attack or something. Then the second plane struck the South tower. It was at that point that I knew this was much more serious than someone having a heart attack. This was an attack OK, a cowardly attack on thousands of Americans, innocent people, just doing what they do every day, an attack on my country! The second that the plane blasted into the South tower, I knew it was an act of terrorism. The United States was effectively in a state of war. The worthless bastards that perpetrated this horrendous murder of almost 3000 American citizens had, by their actions, made it so. President George W. Bush made it all but official a short time later when he addressed the people of New York City that this was indeed an act of war. A few weeks later, we let those Islamic assholes in Afghanistan know that the United States of America meant business. That was when our President was a real man, unlike the pussy occupying the White House now. Hundreds of New Yorkers were killed on impact and dozens more decided it would be better to leap to their deaths than to be incinerated in the inferno of the WTC. The rage within me grew more intense with each innocent human being that was forced by the goat fucking Islamist sons of bitches to make a sudden die by fire or die by jumping out a window 1000 above the ground decision. My hatred for those pedophile “prophet” worshippers was boiling inside me like the towers that burned before me eyes. To this day, that feeling of hatred, pure fucking hatred for those cocksuckers simmers just below the surface. I hope God will forgive me some day, but I cannot yet bring myself to forgive those barbarians. These motherfuckers not only viciously murdered 3000 men and women, but they had forever changed the lives of tens of thousands more family members and friends of the dead, so I hope they all burn in hell for eternity. They are beyond redemption and deserve the endless torment of the fiery lake of Hades, so fuck them with the barbed cock of Satan, their true master. If that makes me a bigot, then so be it, I am a bigot. Their so called “holy book”, the Koran, commands people (and I use that term loosely) like them to slaughter the Infidel simply because he/she is not a Muslim. The Koran compels them to do this kind of shit, like flying jets into buildings, so the name of Allah will be glorified. Are you fucking kidding me? From newadvent.org (The Catholic Encyclopedia) I found this:”The Koran contains dogma, legends, history, fiction, religion and superstition, social and family laws prayers, threats, liturgy, fanciful descriptions of heaven, hell, the judgment day, resurrection, etc. — a combination of fact and fancy often devoid of force and originality. The most creditable portions are those in which Jewish and Christian influences are clearly discernible.” Legends, fiction and superstition, huh? Sounds like an Oliver Stone movie. I don’t know about this Allah asshole, but the one true God that I worship tells me that I must treat others as I want to be treated, not to slay innocent human beings for not being a Christian in order to bring glory to God. As for the other billion plus idiots that follow this cult called Islam, if you believe the same absurd shit that the nineteen hijackers of 9/11 did, then I have no use for you either. You are breathing my air, so stay the fuck away from me. I will not discriminate against you, but I want nothing to do with your sorry asses until you repudiate Islam and the violence and bigotry inherent to it. Until then, kiss my ass. Islam is not a religion, it is an ideology. A political ideology.True religions dictate that you show kindness, mercy, compassion and charity to your fellow man, not slice his head off for merely being a non-Muslim. True religions call for forgiveness of our transgressors, not the brutal stoning or hanging of someone who “offends” your twisted view of spirituality and worship of whatever you assholes worship, like that stupid fucking rock in Mecca or whichever God-forsaken third world sewer of a city you call Muslim “civilization”. Defending your “religion” is one thing, but the wholesale murder of innocent men, women and children to show the rest of the world that they are “infidels” is beyond repulsive, it is degrading to God and his children. Americans don’t cotton to the kind of vile behavior you proclaim in the name of Allah and we will not stand still for that kind of shit! We will slap a missile from a Predator drone up your worthless asses and not think twice about it. You asked for war, then dammit we’ll give a fucking war, dickweeds. When we kick the slimy America-hating, steaming pile of camel dung that we call a President out of the White House and get a man or woman that loves this country like the average Citizen does, you’d better have more than Allah to protect your sorry souls, because there will be no place to hide. We will show no mercy in tracking you down like the pigs you are and ask you exactly once if you want to surrender. If your answer is “no”, then we will happily and without giving it a second thought to it, dispatch you to the 72 virgins you so naively believe to be waiting for you in “Paradise”. We have sent our sons, fathers, daughters and even mothers to find and kill you bastards. Thousands of them gave their lives so the United States will be free of murderous lunatics like you, and thousands more volunteer every day to pick up where the fallen left off. America is not afraid of you. We stand vigilant, eyes and ears wide open, so we may detect you and will do whatever is needed to stop you before you commit more atrocities against our Citizens. We ain’t scared, assholes. You may succeed in your homicidal mission from time to time, but rest assured, the every day American you seek to intimidate, will not cower to you and your deadly intentions. We will, however, happily and with extreme prejudice blow your evil carcass to Kingdom Come when it becomes necessary to the plot. We, as Americans, owe that much to the 3000 innocents you killed at the World Trade Center and to the thousands of our young men and women who perished in the line of duty when sent to defend the United States from deranged motherfuckers like you. In the words of Todd Beamer, a passenger on Flight 93, which crashed in a Pennsylvania, “Let’s roll”. Simply put, send your soul to Heaven because your asses are ours. AMF – Adios Mother Fuckers, have a nice day. I will never forget nor will I ever forgive!
God bless America!