Category: Sex

Lion Kills Woman Having Sex in African Bush!

Death.

99.99% of the time there is nothing funny about death. In the other .01% of deaths that have some sort of humorous element to it, only a very small percentage those are funny. Let me put it this way: in the .01% of deaths there is “funny” as in “that’s horrible” but the unusual circumstances of a particular death may cause us to shake our heads in wonderment. For example, there’s the story of the poor woman who was taking pictures of a moving train and was so wrapped up in her work that she didn’t hear the train coming up from behind her! SPLAT!

Then there is “funny” as in “haha”. The kind of death that falls into this category is a death like that of Hugo Chavez. I’m not playing God here, but if there was ever a human bean that “deserved” to die, it was this murderous, corrupt, Commie ass dictator. So when he bought the farm, millions of people in Venezuela and around the world rejoiced at the thought that El Presidente will now be tweeting from the Eternal Lake of Fire and taking it up the ass from Satan for eternity. Fuck. Him.

Today’s story is one of an untimely death that falls into the “funny” as in “horrible” but the unusual circumstances of the death cause us to shake our heads in amazement.And it involves SEX.

Let me splain.

Goin’ Out Humpin’  

Dying while doing the Dirty Deed is more common than you’d think. I have written about it on several occasions. One lady died while she and her husband were practicing the Dirty Harry Dirty Deed. For some unknown reason the coitusing couple used a hand gun as a sex toy. This bumoing of the uglies did not end well. Then there’s the guy who was cheating on his wife with another couple when he vapor locked smack dab in the middle of the menage a trois.

As weird as these two stories are, they are nothing compared to what happened to a couple of lovers in Africa.

Sexual Predator

Bush in the Bush

A woman was mauled to death by a lion as she made love to her boyfriend in the Zimbabwe bush, it was reported today.

Sharai Mawera died yesterday after the beast pounced as she enjoyed a romantic al fresco moment with her unnamed partner.
The My Zimbabwe news website reported that the predator attacked the couple at a secluded spot in the bush near the northern town of Kariba.
Ms Mawera’s boyfriend, who has not been identified, is believed to have jumped up and fled in the nude when the lion lunged forward.
A source told the newspaper the young woman died at the scene.
He said: “Unfortunately the woman was mauled to death by the lion, but her boyfriend managed to escape naked.”
A friend of the couple told My Zimbabwe Ms Mawera had worked at the local market and that her partner was a fisherman.
The friend said: “He is a fisherman and he used to often meet at the same spot with his girlfriend, who is now deceased.
“The two were romping when the incident occurred. The lion came from behind and roared.
“The guy managed to escape before stopping at a distance where he witnessed his companion being attacked.
“He later rushed to the road seeking help.”
My Zimbabwe reported that the terrified man managed to raise the alarm.
Local police and armed rangers from the Zimbabwe Parks and Wildlife Management Authority rushed to the scene.
The source said: “Cops and officers attended the scene and fired a single shot before getting to the spot.
“The woman had already been killed. She had bloody bruises all over her body. Her neck and tummy had been mauled.”
Rangers launched a hunt for the lion following the tragedy, amid concern the same animal may have killed a local man who disappeared at the weekend.
The remains of the victim were found yesterday on the outskirts of the town, which lies near the Zambezi river.
Police believe the man, who has not been named, was mauled by a lion as he walked home from a nightclub.
Zimbabwe’s state-controlled Herald newspaper reported that officers believed the fact the woman killed yesterday was mauled rather than eaten suggested the same lion could have been responsible for both attacks and not regained its appetite since devouring part of its first victim.
The newspaper added: “Residents of the town are now living in fear as the lions are still roaming freely as there are yet to be caught.”

I got nothin’.

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip Mirror.Co.UK***


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The Cop & the Hookers: Love in a Patrol Car

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He’s got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she’s fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she’s toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won’t kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he’s a good man. Let’s review this…Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck ’em. That’s just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who’s worthy of the “honor”. Therefore…..

…it is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with women…in his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn’t be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can’t do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork ’em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here’s what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That’s a helluva a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some “groceries” in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I’m in.


Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn’t they at least recommended to have Matt’s pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?

Dumbasses.

Florida & 9-1-1 Calls for Sex Always Fun!

It’s always tons of fun when we get to go to Florida for some good old fashioned Dumbassery. It’s even more fun when the act of Dumbassery involves a dumbass call to 9-1-1!

Especially when the call to 9-1-1 is for SEX!

Not a Female Cop in Sight

9-1-1 No-no

We here at Dumbass News pride ourselves in bringing you the best 9-1-1 Dumbassery to be found anywhere in the world. I think we have proven that with such outstanding 9-1-1 Dumbassery as the guy who call the emergency service to have some beer delivered. While I agree that being out of beer is indeed an emergency, 9-1-1 worthy it ain’t. We have even featured a story where a 9-1-1 “health emergency” call lead to cops discovering 124 pot plants from where the call was placed. excellent Dumbassery indeed. Then there’s the tale of a Dumbass who dialed 9-1-1 so the cops would come over and he would kick their asses. This did not work out well for the Dumbass.

You’ll notice one very important topic missing from our roster of Dumbass 9-1-1 Call List. Care to venture a guess? Yes! S-E-X!

I haven’t been layin’ down on the job, it wasn’t until I checked my email today that I finally got a story with a 9-1-1/Sex angle to it. And being ever-vigilant for such material, the minute my eagle eye spotted it, I loaded up the blogging tools and hit the keyboard running.

Hopin’ for Humpin’

There’s a horny Dumbass down in Tampa. of course that description could cover 80% of the Tampa area population, but this horny Dumbass wanted some lovin’ so bad, he dialed 9-1-1 for it! Not once. Not twice. Not even three times. But this Dumbass punched up a 6-3-7-7! That’s seven times 9-1-1!.

Now while an occasional call to Emergency Service for a blow job or some phone sex might be OK in some places around the country, in the F-L-A this is a large uh-uh. Nein nein. Nyet nyet. Non non. For the Yoopers in the Dumbass Horde, all the previous double words represent the word “no” in three, count ’em three foreign languages. Who says that Dumbass News ain’t got no class? there’s that word again. No.

Anyway, the Dumbass in Tampa, no relation to the Dumbass Protesters at the Republican Convention, hit up the Hillsborough County 9-1-1 folks seven times asking them to send over a female police officer so he could be handcuffed to play “Prison Bitch”. Or something like that.

Not Amused

It goes without saying that the operators at 9-1-1 faled to see the humor or the unbridled hormonal rage the Dumbass was engaging in. So after the seventh time he called looking for female cop nooky, he was arrested for abusing the emergency system. Busted by big hairy 100% Male Police Officers.

No word on whether or not he solicited the Guy Cops or not.

I doubt it though. Because he’s not a homo, he’s a …

…Dumbass.

Cop "Protects" Coke, "Serves" Hookers…in Squad Car!

Best of Dumbass News

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He’s got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she’s fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she’s toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won’t kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he’s a good man. Let’s review this…Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck ’em. That’s just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who’s worthy of the “honor”. Therefore…..

…it is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with women…in his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn’t be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can’t do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork ’em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here’s what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That’s a helluve a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some “groceries” in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I’m in.


Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn’t they at least recommended to have Matt’s pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Busted for Humping Plastic Raft!

Edwin, Humper of Rafts

Best of Dumbass News

If you have read even a single post on this blog, you know that there are some real weird people on Planet earth. I mean some real weird people. I call them dumbasses as you well know. However, once in a while a dumbass comes to my attention that goes beyond dumbassery into the world of mentally challenged. Take today’s dumbass for example.

There’s a guy named Edwin Charles Tobergta who was recently busted for one of the most sickening and strange things I have ever heard of. His crime? Indecent exposure. But good ole Edwin was not committing just any form of showing his tallywhacker in public. He was caught performing a sex act on a, get this, “pink swimming pool accessory”. It turns out that the “pink swimming accessory” was an inflatable raft. How a grown man has sexual activity with an inflatable swimming raft is beyond me, but Edwin was going hard and heavy at it. Thank God the story from UPI doesn’t go into further detail. However, with the information provided we can deduct that Edwin is a bona fide dumbass. And a pervert. At first, Edwin tried to flee the cops but it’s probably not easy to make a clean getaway with your ding dong stuck in a plastic raft. Even if Edwin had made his escape, it would be equally difficult to explain to others why your manhood is stuck in a “pink swimming accessory”.

At this point I have some questions. Where in a swimming raft would Edwin put his pee pee in order to perform a sexual act? Second, does that mean that Edwin has a pencil dick? You get the picture. You also get nauseous just thinking about it. In the name of decency (of which this blog has none, even if we knew what it meant), I will not further elucidate.

What will be Edwin’s next sexual conquest? Rubber duckies? Malibu Slut Barbie? Spaghetti-Os? I shall be vigilant in keeping up with this story by occasionally reading the online version of the Hamilton Journal News. I would hate to see Edwin made fun of or be assaulted, but that’s Hamilton, Ohio for those you who would like to heap ridicule, scorn and brass knuckles upon Edwin Charles Tobergta.

On the other hand, Edwin’s friends and family know exactly what to get him for Christmas.

Dumbass.

Dumbass "Vacation Sex" Getaways! Let Me Book Your Trip!

Survey Says…..!

One of my favorite sayings, and I am big on sayings, is that life is like comedy – it’s all in the timing. Well, slap me down and call me shorty (another saying I like) if blogging ain’t like comedy too. The timing part that is.

Let me splain.

I got today’s story in my email yesterday and, lo and behold if I didn’t start up a new blog yesterday too. The story for today is about vacations and sex and my new web site is about vacations and sex! Well, the new blog, The Lower 48 (Plus 2), is actually about vacations, but I suppose that you could have some really good Mad Monkey Sex at some of the places I feature on the site. But, I digress.

“Gettin’ Some” on Vacation

Zoosk.com, the romantic social site, which is another way to say “a get laid site”, recently conducted a survey of 1529 adults ages 18-49 on the subject of romantic vacations. Seventy-four per cent of the respondents said that the nooky while on a romantic getaway was better than gettin’ porked at home. Normally, I would call bullshit and make fun of Zoosk.com, but not this time. I’ll make fun of Zoosk.com later in the story. 🙂

I don’t disagree with the findings of this survey for one main reason – routine. Couples who have sex at home on a regular basis tend to slip into a routine that is more or less habitual. So I read anyway. (That’s not true for me of course because I am a StudMuffin and Fearless Mad Monkey Sex With Mrs. Fearless Leader Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Enough said.) Whereas while being on vacation in a new, exciting, exotic locale is almost certain to crank up the ole Horny Meter in both men and wimmin. It just makes sense. To me anyway.

I’ll have to confer with Mrs. Fearless Leader about her thoughts on the subject.

Here’s the Rub

My problem with this survey is where the answerers considered the best places away from home to bump uglies.

Here’s what I mean:

  • 22% said the beach was the most romantic place to spend a vacation. 
  • 15% replied that a romantic city was the deal for them.
  • Another 15% said some far-flung locale got them all worked up.
  • 9% of the 1529 Dumbasses in this survey thought that staying at a Bed & Breakfast was very romantic.
  • 8% (EIGHT PER CENT!) felt that a road trip was the way to go and…
  • 5% wanted to go camping for a romantic interlude.

What. The. Fuck.?


Here’s What I Think: (in the same order as the results above)

  • I don’t like sand on my nether regions
  • What constitutes a “romantic city”? One with no bowling alley?
  • Far-flung? Like Nebraska?
  • The only way this can be true is if a couple is engaging in a little “offensive driving”, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
  • Are you kiddin’? I prefer that guests in the other rooms do not ear-witness the goings on of Fearless Leader Mad Monkey Sex.
  • No damn way. What’s worse than sand “down there”? Ticks “down there”, that’s what!

Dumbasses.

Tampa Cop Reveals His "Taser" to Hookers

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He’s got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she’s fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she’s toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won’t kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he’s a good man. Let’s review this…Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck ’em. That’s just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who’s worthy of the “honor”. Therefore…..

…it is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with women…in his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn’t be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can’t do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork ’em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here’s what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That’s a helluve a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some “groceries” in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I’m in.


Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn’t they at least recommended to have Matt’s pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?

Dumbasses.