|Shit for Brains|
Best of Dumbass News
I’ll be back “live” tomorrow!
The guy in the photo is a criminal. Bank robber? Nope. Embezzler? Try again. This man, Gary Moody, is a convicted “toilet pit climber”. And a dumbass. I am intrigued by the term “toilet pit climber”, so as a Professional Blogging Guy, it is my sworn at duty to get to the, er, uh, bottom of this.
As you may have guessed by now Our Friend Gary likes to climb into the pits of outhouses! Gary is a Doo Doo Diver!. But!, you say, maybe Gary was plastered one time and did something extremely stupid – and disgusting. I wish that I could report to you that this is the case, but NO! Gary Moody is a Serial Doo Doo Diver! And a Serial Dumbass!
Recently Ol’ Gare was spotted by a nine year old boy after a successful session of doo doo diving, Gary’s second known outhouse pit diving expedition. In 2005, Moody pleaded no contest to trespassing for the same offense. Since Gary’s crime is not quite as common as, say, car theft, he was the first guy the cops went to for answers regarding this incident. The Portland Press Herald notes that special agent with the US Forest Service, William Fors recalled the case from 2005 and told the paper, “Based on the extremely rare nature of this type of activity, the fact that Gary Moody had a previous conviction for the same activity and the fact that Moody had a last known address in the Gardiner, Maine, area, I decided to locate and interview Moody,” No shit?
As a resident of Augusta, which is so close to Gardiner that you could hear Gary fart, all my fears have been allayed since the US Forest Service is right on top of the very serious crime of Doo Doo Diving. As a matter of fact, the Augusta, Maine “metro” area proudly holds the distinction of having the lowest doo doo diver recidivism rate in the entire United States of America thanks to the relentless anti-doo doo diving efforts of the United States Forest Service right here in our humble little town. I shall sleep better at night.
Good ol’ Gary was convicted and sentenced to 30 days, a $1000 fine and $700 restitution to the Forest Service for the cost of pumping out the toilet pit. It seems to me that Gary could have saved himself seven big ones if he’d just asked for a shovel and emptied the pit on his own. Not only could he have saved the cash for himself, he could have done the very thing he loves doing! What more could a criminal ask for?
I’m sure that this will be a subject of interest at Gary’s kid’s next “What Does Your Daddy Do for a Living? Day” at school. Does Gary dare take a Port-O-Potty to the school to demonstrate what Doo Doo Diving is all about? Does he say “doo doo” in front of a class of second graders? Instead of “Doo Doo Diver”, should Gary use the term “Feces Farmer” instead? What’s a Daddy Doo Doo Diver to do?
Here’s my bit of wisdom for Mr. Moody: Flush the whole idea.
|Shit for Brains|
I like to travel. I love seeing the “purple mountains’ majesty” “from sea to shining sea” of this land of ours. God has truly “shed His Grace on thee.”
I do all my running around the USA by car. I like to see stuff, to soak in and appreciate the Natural Wonders surrounding me. Traveling by automobile does have some drawbacks, however. Time spent getting from place to place being one of them. But that’s not really too bad as you can always take in the scenery just outside your car window. Finding a decent place to eat is a little more difficult and coming across a clean toilet is the cruelest Travel demon of all.
When Nature calls, men can, if it’s an emergency, simply pull off to the side of the road, scamper off into the nearby woods and take care of business. Women? Not so much.
When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go
I must admit that when seeing the country by car, there are times when you gotta take a potty break and there’s no toilet in sight. This can present quite a dilemma. While your bowels are doing the Flamenco Dance, do you try to hold on for a little while or do you just pull over and take a healthy dump or perhaps, get ready to shed your nasty ass drawers at the next truck stop? This is not an easy decision to make, although the decision sometimes makes itself, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Melissa Mansfield was faced with such a quandry while traveling one of the busiest highways in the state of Florida. She chose to pull over and leave her calling card right on the side of the Interstate! Things then went from bad to worse for Melissa.
During the Poop Process, Melissa the Doo Doo Dumbass, was spotted doing her thing by, you guessed it (!), a Florida State Trooper! The next phase of the Bad to Worse transition was a bout to take place.
When asked by the Fuzz for ID, the Dumbass Doo Doo Queen had none. Strike two.
Did I mention that she was driving a stolen car also? She was. Strike two and a half.
The piece resistance is that had Melissa waited for another five minutes before taking a shit on the side of the Interstate, she would have come upon a Rest Area with public toilets. As Maxwell Smart would say, “Missed it by that much!”
Our friend Melissa will now spend the next several years of her young life as a resident of State Facilities courtesy of a jury of twelve of her peers (pee pun intended) where she’ll be too pooped to drop the deuce. She’ll will, however, enjoy many hours of broom handle riding with her new friend, Peggy the “O’Cedar Makes My Life Easier” Finkelstein.
In other words, Melissa the Doo Doo Dipshit is about to learn what “squeezing the Charmin” is all about.