Today, as I celebrate my 34th (Thirty-fourth? Am I really that old?) Fathers Day, I wanted to take a minute to wish every Dad in the United States, all ex-pat Dads overseas and, most importantly, the brave Dads in all branches of the US Military, a Happy Fathers Day.
I also wanted to express my deepest gratitude to God for giving me a chance to be a Dad. Twice. Opportunities that I in no way deserved, but the Almighty saw something in me that I didn’t even know was there and blessed me with my two beautiful daughters – Isabella the 9 Year Old and Bailey the 5 Year Old. I didn’t so hot the first time with my sons (who are both in their 30s), but I must admit that I am doing a bang-up job with my two little girls. No, that is not a misprint. I am Dad to two small children in my “Gettin’ to Be a Grouchy Fucker” Days. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Every man alive should have grandchildren older than his own kids.
Just like me. And my Dad. Like Father, like Son. (Doing my best Richard Pryor and strutting with my pointing finger poised and my arm swingin’ back and forth) We bad. We bad.
Dumbass Dad-Related Stuff
- The Old Guy in this story is somebody’s Father. The Old Guy was attacked by a Dumbass with a cucumber salad! Plus!, the Old Guy is a One Legged Old Guy! In a HoverRound! What. The. Fuck!!! The Cucumber Mugger is now a prison bitch. Have a nice day, dickweed.
- My Dad was a trucker. For over 40 years, he traveled literally millions of miles across the Fruited Pain. I bet he didn’t miss more than 10 days of work (until just before he died) during those 40 plus years. Never made an excuse to miss work. Some Dads come up some real dumbass reasons to play hooky from the job. Check out some of the be-yoots that have actually been used by Dumbass Dads everywhere.
- For the last-minute-shopping Dumbasses out there, here are some gifts that will give your good reason to remove you from his Last Will & Testament.
- This post is a very special one to me, your Fearless Leader. I wrote it about my own Dad. If your Dad has gone to the Big Truck Stop in the Sky like mine, have a hanky handy. Things could get, shall we say, emotional. No we shall not. We shall say that you might end up blubbering like a fat lady who runs out of Krispy Kreme Chocolate Glazed.
I love my wife, Heather, whose eye sight is poor and her judgement in husbands (me) ain’t so hot either. She is my rock. I put her through some shit that I won’t bring up here, but she stayed steady on her feet and in her resolve and for some God-only-knows reason. My life is much richer and more meaningful because of her. She has my everlasting devotion and love. She saved my life. I love you, Heather.
To my four kids: I could not have picked up a Sears Catalogue and ordered four offspring better than you. Trey, Toby, Issy and Bailey…I, in spite of my voluminous vocabulary and precision command of the English language, can not find the words to tell you exactly how much I treasure each and every one of you. Each of you, in his or her own way, has made me a better man and a better Dad. Your forgiveness for the many of my foolish sins and accepting me for “just being Dad”, warts and all, inspires me to reach a higher level of Dad-ness and manhood. I love you all unconditionally.
To my Grand Kids: Julius, Zoey, Chaeli, Aiden, Tristan and the soon to be newest Shoemaker, Benjamin Oliver (he’s due in September, maybe on my birthday!). Simply read what I wrote about your parents and put your names where theirs are. Same to you. I adore all of you to the moon and back. Y’all are the cheese on my burger. 🙂
Come sit on my knee and I’ll tell you about the Good Old Days
To Faith: Mija, you have added such character to our family. Your strength and determination plus a great outlook on life are the stuff that
makes strong families. no matter what happens ever, you will be “Mija” to me. You are presenting me with the gift of a Grand Son. Did you know that “Benjamin” means “Son of My Right Hand” in Hebrew? Now you do. If I could only figure out how the Jews would say “Grand Son of My Right Hand to the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde”. 🙂 I love you, Mija.
I think that just about covers it all.
Happy Fathers Day!
Finding material for this website is like taking candy from a baby. It’s too easy. There are dumbasses in every corner of the planet. For instance, take Alliance, Ohio, PLEASE! Hahahaha See? I am a dumbass, too. Now back to Alliance, Ohio. Not again! I am on a roll here. hahahaha I’ll be here all week. Anyway…in Alliance, Ohio, a guy decides a nice evening of dumpster diving is in order. Maybe he had some last minute anniversary shopping to do and he was trying to get the perfect gift for his wife the easy way. By stealing. From a dumpster. In the middle of the night. From this information alone, I can deduce that the perpetrator, James Brienzo, is a dumbass. The act of dumpster diving alone is not an indictment of being a dumbass. It’s when you are dumpster diving and the sanitation company makes its nightly rounds to empty the dumpster and you are still in the dumpster that qualifies you as a dumbass. That’s what happened to our boy James. In the middle of his late night White Trash Shopping Spree, James was somewhere in the day old donuts section when whirrrrrrr clllaaaannggg brrrrrrrrrruuuuuppp suddenly he ends up in the business end of the sanitation truck! But James, like a Boy Scout, is prepared. He has a cell phone! James calls a friend who, in turn, calls the heat. The heat locate the refuse truck that James is in through a GPS. Technology is the shit! The law gets to the truck and are unable to extricate James so, wait.for.it….they order the truck to the nearest dump, where James, along with the anniversary gift he was looking for, was dumped into the landfill and freed! He’s in critical condition at local hospital, but the poor bastard is free. I have a suggestion for James and the rest of you who are considering a White Trash Shopping Spree in the middle of the night, Wal Mart is open 24 hours a day! Give it a try. Dumbass.