I am taking the day off, as is my custom on Sunday. The following is one of the most popular posts in the short history of Dumbass News. It’s pretty damn funny too. 🙂
|Hi, I’m Susie and I’m a Dumbass!
See the young lady in the photo? She is a dumbass. Probably a very nice young lady, but a dumbass none the less. Why so harsh? Let me splain. This young woman, who we’ll call Susie, has a steady boyfriend (David) of a few years. So far, so good. Until they started drinking. Then the fun began. David asked an alcohol-fueled question of Susie,
“If you could have sex with anyone in the world, who would it be?” he asked me.
“You,” I replied.
“Other than me.” -This witty drunken repartee led to this Dr. Phil moment when David, ever the horn dawg, came up with this beauty, “If I cheated would you consider it an unforgivable offense?” David asked me, that fateful night, as we sat, a bit sloshed, on our couch.” Susie responded, “Depends”. You can see where this is going. A few months later, after engaging in “a night off” with another chick, these two extreme dumbasses were in bed when “suddenly David put his hands to his face and said, as if in one breath: “I cheated on you and I’m scared to tell you because I’m afraid you’re going to get mad at me, and cry, and break up with me.” No shit, Sherlock. Not only is David a dumbass, he’s a pansy too. Ol’ Dave confessed to his transgression, but, Susie the Understanding Dumbass, decided that it was OK for David to have a “night off” banging some other broad. After all, they had discussed it beforehand. At this point in our story, I can no longer add anything to it without quoting Susie verbatim for the rest of the story. In Susie’s own words :
I felt like he was being honest. OK, he may have spent a few days — or weeks — thinking about it before telling me … but, I thought, everyone is entitled to a little privacy. Besides, it was a true one night stand.
As far as I was concerned, in terms of how “nights off” might go, his was ideal. As ideal as that situation can be. He had stepped out of the relationship and hated it. I didn’t know until after it happened, and he wanted everything to go back to the way it had been between us before. I couldn’t have written the movie script better myself. I mean, I had told him months earlier that I could forgive such a transgression under the right circumstances, and these seemed like the right circumstances to me.
Today, several years later, I’m older and wiser — and David and I did break up a couple of years later, but not because of this. In retrospect … I still kind of feel the same way I did that day. In my opinion, a relationship isn’t sex. Sex is important, but it’s not the end of the world, and if someone has sex outside of their relationship, it doesn’t have to end the relationship.
I knew that after David had taken his night off, I could do the same. I mean, what could he say? He’d have to forgive me. But I didn’t. I guess I just never met the right person, or was in the right situation, so it never happened. I mean, I didn’t want to force it, just to get even. He felt so bad that day, I didn’t really have a desire to “get even” anyway. It actually made us closer than ever, so I never really felt the need.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, even in one relationship, no two situations are the same. Should you take a night off from each other? I don’t know — you’d have to talk with your lover to decide if it’s right for you. Do I think it can help a relationship? Yeah, I do. I think it can settle a curious mind. If you end up breaking up … well, to me, that’s just fate, and it was meant to happen anyway. No matter what you do, you can’t make a bad relationship work. In turn, you can’t ruin a good relationship with a silly one night stand. Not a real one. We’re raised to believe that stepping outside of a relationship is a bad thing … I don’t think it has to be.
To recap: Boy meets girl. They become a couple. They get blasted on Boone’s Farm and mutually decide that a “night off” to have sex with whomever is OK. Boy has “night off”, then feels like an asshole. Girl, who is a dumbass, says “no problemo”, forgives boy and immediately starts to look for some poor, horny dipshit to lay. Girl fails in effort to get laid by horny dipshit, although she was certain Boy would say, “That’s OK, honey, you needed a “night off”. Several years later, Girl Dumbass still thinks it’s OK to have a “night off” in a relationship. Girl is still single and now peruses bus stations for a horny homeless dipshit to have a “night off” with. Girl now does TV commercial for drugs that treat recurring STD’s.
What the hell? First off, if I even thought of asking my wife if I could have a “night off”, she’d cut off my gazebos with a rusty butter knife. Second off, I have never been drunk enough to ask my wife such a dumbass question. Third off, my wife would cut off my gazebos if I ever got that loaded, “night off” or not. Fourth off, I have grown fond of my gazebos over the last 54 years. Fifth off, my Mama raised me better than that. Sixth off, I am scared of my wife. And seventh off, I am really scared of my wife with a rusty butter knife in her hand when she has “that look” in her eyes.
In conclusion, we have ascertained that David is a sissy, Susie is a Godless skank and a dumbass of the highest order and I value my gazebos. The moral to the story is, guys, that if you and your wife/girlfriend/whatever get inebriated and decide that you need a “night off”, hide the rusty butter knives from your wife/girlfriend/whatever. Your gazebos will thank you for it.
hat tip : Aol News