|A Message for Dumbasses|
Happy New Year, Dumbasses! 2012 is here and 2011 is a distant memory in the time/space continuum of life. Except for the Dumbasses. We still have more Fred G. Sanford Memorial You Big Dummy Awards to hand out! So let’s get started!
Yesterday we presented Dummies to some very worthy Dumbasses and today we have even more deserving Dumbasses waiting in the wings, or as we at Dumbass News call them, Port-o-Potties, to see which one of them will be the next Big Dummy!
Our first category today is Outstanding Performance by a Dumbass While Texting! Yes, friends, even dumbasses have access to the latest technology, which should scare the hell outta all of us. A dumbass with a cell phone is not to be taken lightly. Unless you teach them to text. A texting dumbass will be behind bars (or dead) in the blink of an eye. That’s where this Dummy category comes in. You’ll understand more as I reveal the list of nominees for Outstanding Performance by a Dumbass While Texting.
Texting Dope Deals – The difference between a “regular” person text and a dumbass text is easy to understand. A “regular” person text will read something like: “Dinner at 6. Come by about 5:30″ and this text ends up on the right cell phone. Simple enough, huh? Not a for a dumbass it ain’t. A dumbass text goes like this: ‘We got some good coke. Come by 123 Main St. to get a few kilos”. This text ends up on the phone of ten year old boy! You know the kid. His Grandpa is a State Trooper! True story. Read it here.
Texts from Last Night – This is a Group Dummy Award, the first of its kind. The nominees are those whose texts have ended up on the website, Texts From Last Night.
There are some real dozzies over there and most of them are NSFW or safe for young kids. A sample text from TFLN? “I seriously found a rose petal in my vagina.” I ain’t makin’ this up. Oh! And that’s one of the more tame ones. Now I think you understand the nomination.
D. A. is for Dumbass – You’d think a man in a position of Public Trust, such as a District Attorney, would know better than to use a cell phone (whose records can be traced in a matter of seconds!) for nefarious means. You’d be wrong if your DA was the DA for the Green Bay, Wisconsin area. Dude was caught sexting a woman who was the victim in a domestic violence case he was prosecuting! This is bad joo joo.
Our winner for Outstanding Performance by a Dumbass While Texting is…
The Dumbass D.A.!!! This man is a college educated, albeit he prolly got lawyered up at the U of Wisc-Madison– Commie-Pinko-Dipshit, man! The guy resigned right quick like. My question is this: Are these “sexts” a matter of public record? I’m just askin’.