Note to New Dumbasses: There’s not much we won’t cover here at Dumbass News. Dumbasses of any shape, size, color, nationality, sexual persuasion or gender will be vilified to the High Heavens, provided of course that vilification is necessary to the plot.
The only off limits topics will be the Dumbassification of my Mother, the Pope and My Favorite Protestant, the Reverend Billy Graham.
Your mother? Fair game. The Dolly Llama? In the Dumbass Cross Hairs. The “Reverends” Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton? Screw ’em.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…
Today’s story has a familiar ring to it – Dumbasses and fire.
We have, on several occasions, brought to your attention incidents where the interaction of Dumbasses with open flames have been met with, shall we say, unpleasantness. No, we shall not. We shall say “disaster”.
Remember the guy who set a parade float aflame?
How about the couple that went ape shit and attacked a car with a flaming tampon!
Then there’s the one where the guy was trying to get rid of a nest of spiders with a blowtorch! He got rid of the spiders alright. He also got rid of his house. This story is a perfect segue into the Dumbassery that lies ahead….
The Snake and the Dumbass
A Lady Dumbass down in Liberty Eylau, Texas was doing a little spring cleaning around her property when she made a startling discovery – a snake! Running across a snake while living in rural Texas happens all the time. What makes this story so unusual is how the Lady Dumbass reacted to the situation.
When all the sudden coming face to face with a snake, most Texans I know would do one of two things:
- Grab a shovel, garden hoe or some other equally lethal farming implement, and beat the scaly serpent repeatedly until he was graveyard dead.
- The more commonly used method in dealing with a venomous viper is utilize something along the lines of a 12 gauge shotgun and blast that motherfucker to smithereens.
Then there’s the Dumbass Way.
Gasoline and a match.
Yes, the Lady Dumbass went Full Tilt Boogie Dumb Fuck and poured 87 octane gasoline on the snake and then pitched a match on it. While this would ordinarily be a very effective, if not stoopid, method of sending an unwanted snake to his Maker, a snake that has been turned into a writhing mass of flame tends to be what many would say is “unpredictable”. Many would be correct.
This particular Snake Flambe headed straight for some underbrush.
The Scientific Method clearly states that “a snake that has been set afire by a Lady Dumbass will, proportional to the level of pain while burning like a marshmallow over a camp fire, seek refuge in the nearest pile of dry kindling”. This is what is known as “starting a brush fire”. And a house fire. Make that two house fires. A neighboring home was also damaged in the conflagration.
Liberty Eylau Fire Chief David Wesslehoft said (I swear in the Name of All That is Holy I ain’t makin’ this up) that “it’s not unusual for burning animals to start a fire.”
I have nothing further to add.
***Image from okcfox.com***
A couple weeks ago, February 13 to be exact, I posted a story about some dumbass chick who took her python onto the Boston Subway and lost it! The bimbo was charged with carrying a snake big enough to eat a poodle on the subway. The Wheels of Justice turned pretty quickly in this case. So quickly in fact, that the dumbass bimbo has been given her sentence.
Melissa Moorhouse, the dumbass in question, was ordered to pay a $650 fine which is about what it cost taxpayers to clean out the train car the snake was lost in. What a dipshit judge that decided this case, or more precisely, the sentence. In my earlier post on this, I wrote “There were subway system employees looking high and low for the snake but to no avail. At this point, the transit people had no choice but to take the train out of service.” I have a question. How long was the train car the snake was lost on out of service? A day? Two days? I think the dumbfuck judge should have fined the dumbass snake lady the equivalent of a day’s (two days, depending on the amount of time the train was out of service) average fare total. But, we’re talking Massivetwoshits here and a punishment in tune with offense would probably hurt the dumbass snake lady’s feelings or some such Liberal crap. I mean come on. The dumbass carried a live snake onto the damn subway! What about the other passengers, if any, who may have suffered some kind of trauma from this? They have delicate feelings, too! Doesn’t that count for something? Those are only rhetorical questions, but I still wonder when the first lawsuit will be filed. I hear that former Senator John Edwards, D-Ambulance Chaser, needs a gig. Dumbass.
|Future Belt or Wallet|
Boston is by most accounts a great city. It’s home to fenway Park and the Red Sox, the Boston Bruins of the NHL and, of course, the 3-time Super Champs New England Patriots the legendary Boston Celtics. And that is just the sports side of Beantown. Boston is also one of the most historic cities in the country with its connection to the American Revolution. But, as much as I hate to say it, Boston is home to more than their fair share of dumbasses. Dumbasses like Melissa Moorhouse.
Melissa belongs in the realm of dumbasses for at least a couple of reasons – Reason 1) Melissa owns a snake. it’s only three feet long at this point but it is a boa constrictor and could grow to be thirteen feet long! Reason 2) Melissa took this dmn snake with her on the subway! Yes, friends, this dumbass woman took a boa onto the Boston subway with her. What could go wrong? Well, I’ll tell you what could go wrong. The damn snake got away from her! On the subway! Dumbass. There were subway system employees looking high and low for the snake but to no avail. At this point, the transit people had no choice but to take the train out of service. I bet the subway riders of Boston just loved to be a train short in the subway system. All over a dumbass snake, or better yet, a dumbass 30 year old woman taking the frakkin’ snake on the train in the first place. Somebody finally found the stoopid snake and the train was put back in service.
Melissa the Dumbass Snake Owner had these touching words when her snake, Penelope, was returned to her, “I’m overwhelmed. I’m extremely happy to have her back.”Also fro UPI article, She said the snake could hide in tiny spaces and fend for itself. No shit, dumbass!? Oh, there’s more from this Darwin Award candidate. “What I’ve been trying to tell people is that she would survive, she would be in the train whether it was weeks or months,” she said. “I don’t know if they have mice or rats but she is completely capable of eating them.”And she (the snake) is perfectly capable of wrapping her sorry as around somebody’s leg and squeezing the shit out of it. I don’t even want to go into what could happen to a small child. Fucking dumbass.
So this stupid bitch gets her snake back and all is hunky dorry in the Beantown subway system. If I were the Head Subway System Guy in Boston, I would have found some ordinance that would throw this dumbass bimbo in jail or at least fine the hell out of her where the thought of taking that damn snake on the subway would make her go into convulsions or some shit. Next, I would take a machete and separate the snake’s head from the rest of his body, then make a belt or wallet out of her sorry ass. End of story. Dumbass.