Category: Social Security

Walk-In at Wells Fargo! Bank Leaves Doors Unlocked After Closing!

Best of Dumbass News

Happy What-Would-Be Elvis’ 76th Birthday, Dumbasses! It was also 37 years ago today that I attended my last day of high school. I, quite by accident mind you, had all my required courses completed so I decided “To hell with this”. I partied for a couple of weeks (I was 18 and we could legally buy alcohol at the time) and then got a job. I was making $3.25 an hour, living at home. Dad paid all the bills and was on the road most of the time, so it was almost like having a bachelor pad of my own. All I had to pay for was my own beer and leave Dad’s brew alone. Not a bad gig for an 18 year old. Oh, yeah! I also got to drive Dad’s brand new 1974 Camaro LT. I just supplied the gas, which was less than 20 cents a gallon back then. If I had four dollars, I had a full tank of gas.

The Setup

We’re barely a week into the new year and we’re lining up 2012 Dumbass of the Year contenders like Charlie Sheen picking out hookers to share his nose candy with. Literally every day that I have written a new post, the dumbass in the story could be a DOTY nominee. Just take a look at the archives for January if you doubt me. That streak continues today with a story that I never imagined in my wildest dreams could actually happen. 

I hope you are sitting down. 

The Unexpected and the (Still) Unexplained

Wells Fargo. The company that bears that name has been a part of the United States banking system since 1852 and I’ll bet you $10 that what I am about to tell you has never happened in the storied 160 year history of the firm.

On January 4, 2012, last Friday, the Wells Fargo Bank on Arena Blvd. in Sacramento, closed its doors at the end of the business day and the fine people who work there went home to enjoy the weekend with their families. Not unlike millions of other Americans. But that weekend would turn out to be a once-in-160 years event. After all the bank employees left for home, the last guy out at the Wells Fargo bank turned out the lights and he too, headed for the Ponderosa. Last Guy forgot one minor thing however. He forgot to lock the bank’s door! How in the name of all that is Holy can Last Guy forget to lock the door of a branch of one of the largest banks in the world??? Good Gawd Almighty, y’all!

Last Guy is probably one of those neurotic dumbasses that locks his car doors (when he’s washing it!), locks his front door when he’s at home (in the day time!) and has a dead bolt on the bathroom door. Last Guy secures his house like Fort Knox, but can’t remember to lock the door of a bank that has untold millions of dollars inside? What.The.Fuck.? Henry Wells and William Fargo (yes, that Wells and Fargo) are rolling over in their graves so fast, they sound like a couple of Japanese motorcycles doing 100 mph in 2nd gear. I mean dayum, dude.

OK 

I have a couple of thoughts on this situation. First, does Last Guy still have a job? If not, 7-11 is always hiring and they are open 24/7. This is a lucky break for Last Guy because a job at 7-11 ensures that he’ll never have to worry about locking doors again! This is a good thing. Also at Siete-Once (<—-a little Meskin lingo there), cash counting time will be a breeze. Instead of counting thousands pf dollars, he’ll only have to count up to about 50 bucks. That’s all 7-11 employees are allowed to have in the cash drawer. And unless a robber is a crack head, what self-respecting criminal would be happy with robbing a business of only 50 dollars? 

Speaking of crooks (<—-clever segue), I bet there wasn’t a bad guy within three billion light years of the Wells-Fargo bank that had a glimmer of a thought that the door on the place would be wide-ass open. Not that that would be a deterrent, Last Guy probably forgot to turn on the security system too.

Dumbass.

Advertisements

Dear Dead Guy, We Have a Check for You Signed, US Gubmint

Hey! I got my check, did you?

By many accounts, the stimulus package passed by the US Congress in February, 2009, has been an unmitigated dumbass move. Nineteen months after this monstrosity got the Congressional Okie Dokie, unemployment remains above 9.5 per cent, home foreclosures continue unabated and consumer confidence in the economy is almost nonexistent. How, oh, how could Congress frak things up any more than they already have? Just when you thought the answer was “things are FUBAR’ed”, our elected dumbasses come to the “resuce” with something even more stupid! Yes, America, members of our national government have been working overtime to figure out new ways to flush your tax dollars down the old crapper, and, dammit, they are doing a damn fine job of it.

The Federal Dumbasses at the Social Security Administration sent out stimulus checks at $250 a pop to 89,000 DEAD or INCARCERATED people! That’s $22,250,000 – twenty-two million two hundred fifty thousand dollars– to dead people and dumbasses in jail. It appears that the idiots at the SSA did not check their records to eliminate dead people and some inmates from the list of fifty-two million Americans the checks were supposed to go to.

Some of the dead people had not collected benefits in over thirty years and some would be 136 years old had they lived! Here’s what some spokesdumbass from the SSA said, “Inaccurate payments are unacceptable. Social Security’s Recovery Act payments were 99.8 percent accurate, and we quickly collected the majority of the inaccurate payments,” SSA spokesman Mark Lassiter said. Being the inquisitive fellow that I am, I wondered to myself, “what is a “majority” of the inaccurate payments?” 70%? 75%? No! When the spokesdumbass said “majority”, he meant “majority”, as in just over half! According to my math, that leaves somewhere in the neighborhood of eleven million dollars of your money that some dead guy or criminal is spending for God knows what. For some silly reason, I think the dead guys and crooks are more qualified to figure out what to do with eleven mil than our elected dumbasses. Unless the dead guys are from Chicago. Those are the ones I don’t trust.

Dumbasses.

**hat tip to dailyfinance.com**

Gubmint Employee Reprimanded for Farting at Work!

I am a simple man (cue Lynyrd Skynyrd). I have always been in awe of the things that so many people take for granted. Like the stars. We see them every night of our lives and over time they are kind of “just there” to most people. Not to me though. There’s not a time I go outside at night and not think of the majesty of those seemingly tiny twinkling lights in the nighttime sky. Think about it for a moment. The star light you are looking at has traveled through the vastness of outer space for billions of light years and is just now visible to the human eye. In essence, you are looking back in time.

Another thing that simply amazes me are tomato seeds. I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact that something so tiny can, when put into some dirt, watered and given the requisite amount of sunlight, produce a marvel of Nature like a big fat beefsteak tomato. How the hell does that work like that? I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is that it does work and I ain’t askin’ questions.

Which brings us to farting.

A Real Gone Gasser

I am sure that it will come as no surprise to you that stories about farting are not new to Dumbass News. It was almost two years ago to the day that I wrote about the nation of Malawi’s proposed law to ban farting under certain circumstances like:“insulting the modesty of a woman,” “disturbing religious assemblies” and “trespassing on burial places”. Pffffffffttttt!

Last summer I told you about a guy who threatened to shoot his neighbor for farting! This post is doubly entertaining as it also has a brief etymology of the word “fart”.

While outlawing gaseous anal emissions and/or shooting another human bean because he broke wind may be a bit on the extreme side, being reprimanded for farting at work is not.

Hostile Work Environment  

The U.S. Social Security Administration said it has rescinded a reprimand filed against an employee for creating a “hostile work environment” by passing gas.
The reprimand, which became public when it was posted on TheSmokingGun website, was filed against a worker accused by co-workers of creating a “hostile work environment” by continuously passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor, The Washington Post reported Friday.

The agency said the reprimand has now been rescinded.

“When senior management became aware of the reprimand it was immediately rescinded,” spokeswoman Dorothy Clark said.

The Social Security Administration did not offer a date for the rescinding action or respond to questions about the status of the employee.

The reprimand was filed by the agency’s Office of Disability Operations and cited 60 occasions when the worker was accused of passing gas — up to nine times per day — in his office over the course of about 12 weeks.

The employee was described by TheSmokingGun as a 38-year-old man working at a Social Security office in Baltimore. 

Is nothing sacred anymore?

When an employer can reprimand, or even possibly terminate, you because you exercise your Constitutionally-guaranteed (it falls under the “pursuit of happiness” or something) right to let one rip, then that employer must be held accountable! 

Revolt! 

Eat more beans!

Do not be silent! (but deadly)

Fart like there’s no tomorrow!

Dumbasses.

Wells Fargo Makes it Easy to be Rich!

Door’s open! Come on in!

Happy What-Would-Be Elvis’ 76th Birthday, Dumbasses! It was also 37 years ago today that I attended my last day of high school. I, quite by accident mind you, had all my required courses completed so I decided “To hell with this”. I partied for a couple of weeks (I was 18 and we could legally buy alcohol at the time) and then got a job. I was making $3.25 an hour, living at home. Dad paid all the bills and was on the road most of the time, so it was almost like having a bachelor pad of my own. All I had to pay for was my own beer and leave Dad’s brew alone. Not a bad gig for an 18 year old. Oh, yeah! I also got to drive Dad’s brand new 1974 Camaro LT. I just supplied the gas, which was less than 20 cents a gallon back then. If I had four dollars, I had a full tank of gas.

The Setup

We’re barely a week into the new year and we’re lining up 2012 Dumbass of the Year contenders like Charlie Sheen picking out hookers to share his nose candy with. Literally every day that I have written a new post, the dumbass in the story could be a DOTY nominee. Just take a look at the archives for January if you doubt me. That streak continues today with a story that I never imagined in my wildest dreams could actually happen. 

I hope you are sitting down. 

The Unexpected and the (Still) Unexplained

Wells Fargo. The company that bears that name has been a part of the United States banking system since 1852 and I’ll bet you $10 that what I am about to tell you has never happened in the storied 160 year history of the firm.

On January 4, 2012, last Friday, the Wells Fargo Bank on Arena Blvd. in Sacramento, closed its doors at the end of the business day and the fine people who work there went home to enjoy the weekend with their families. Not unlike millions of other Americans. But that weekend would turn out to be a once-in-160 years event. After all the bank employees left for home, the last guy out at the Wells Fargo bank turned out the lights and he too, headed for the Ponderosa. Last Guy forgot one minor thing however. He forgot to lock the bank’s door! How in the name of all that is Holy can Last Guy forget to lock the door of a branch of one of the largest banks in the world??? Good Gawd Almighty, y’all!


Last Guy is probably one of those neurotic dumbasses that locks his car doors (when he’s washing it!), locks his front door when he’s at home (in the day time!) and has a dead bolt on the bathroom door. Last Guy secures his house like Fort Knox, but can’t remember to lock the door of a bank that has untold millions of dollars inside? What.The.Fuck.? Henry Wells and William Fargo (yes, that Wells and Fargo) are rolling over in their graves so fast, they sound like a couple of Japanese motorcycles doing 100 mph in 2nd gear. I mean dayum, dude.


OK 


I have a couple of thoughts on this situation. First, does Last Guy still have a job? If not, 7-11 is always hiring and they are open 24/7. This is a lucky break for Last Guy because a job at 7-11 ensures that he’ll never have to worry about locking doors again! This is a good thing. Also at Siete-Once (<—-a little Meskin lingo there), cash counting time will be a breeze. Instead of counting thousands pf dollars, he’ll only have to count up to about 50 bucks. That’s all 7-11 employees are allowed to have in the cash drawer. And unless a robber is a crack head, what self-respecting criminal would be happy with robbing a business of only 50 dollars? 


Speaking of crooks (<—-clever segue), I bet there wasn’t a bad guy within three billion light years of the Wells-Fargo bank that had a glimmer of a thought that the door on the place would be wide-ass open. Not that that would be a deterrent, Last Guy probably forgot to turn on the security system too.


Dumbass.

SSA Says Lady is Alive; Lady Says Nothing; She’s DEAD

Under Gubmint Control

Yesterday we read about a bank that declared a lady dead, but she really wasn’t , despite her best efforts to prove otherwise by doing things like showing up at the bank and, you know, breathing and stuff. Today’s story is along the same lines except vice versa. A lady died but the US Gubmint kept sending her Social Security checks for years! That would have been a good gig for a non-dead person. But for dead people? Not so much.

The dead lady in question is the late, and I mean real late, Gladys Stansbury of Jennings, Missouri. Gladys’ body was found mummified when neighbors called the police to report the daughter had not been seen for several days. Ms. Stansbury had been living in her home with her daughter, who was also found dead inside the house(!), when she died. Although I am not a scientist and I don’t play one on TV, I can only deduce from this story that death is contagious. Therefore, if you have any dead people in your house, I would highly recommend that you give them a proper Christian/Jewish/Athiest/Whatever burial or throw the body into the nearest fast-flowing river and forget you ever knew the dead guy. I’m just sayin’.

Anyway, the Gubmint kept sending Gladys her monthly Social Security checks for years after she died. Is this a great country or what? I would make a snarky comment here about Gubmint inefficiency and bureaucracy, but I’ll leave that to a saying I saw on a T-shirt at the Eastport, Maine 4th of July Festival. The shirt was worn by an Indian from a near-by reservation at Pleasant Point. The slogan said, “Trust the Government? Ask an Indian.”

I also have a slogan for the bureaucratic dipshits at the SSA, with whom I have been fighting for over a year just to get my own money from the blood sucking bastards. My motto is as follows: Kiss. My. Ass. Numbnuts. Or die trying.Your check is in the mail.

Dumbasses.

(hat tip: stlouistoday.com)

Lady Caught Stealing From Dead Boyfriend! !

For our Dumbass of the Day on this Thursday morning, we travel once again to the Sunshine State, where the sunshine is evidently rich in vitamin D – D for dumbass. A dumbass lady who lives in the Florida panhandle town of Milton, has been charged with Grand Theft after she wrote a check for $1000 from her boyfriend’s bank account. Her DEAD boyfriend’s bank account. Talk about your penalty for early withdrawal!

The dumbass bimbo who perpetrated this outrageous crime is named Teresa. Teresa’s boyfriend died last February and being the dutiful “significant other” that she is, Teresa paid for the guy’s funeral, some outstanding bills, property taxes and to get her car repaired. From his bank account! Not that the boyfriend was complaining, being dead and all, but Teresa , faithful gal that she was, took care of all these expenses to the tune of $23,470 with forged checks. Teresa may be dutiful and faithful, but, boy is she a dumbass. It was the aforementioned $1000 check that got her busted. When confronted by the police, Teresa told them that she was “so scatterbrained” that she accidently put an extra zero on the amount the check was written for. The cops, as you can imagine, had some doubts as to the veracity of her claims. In other words, one cop said to the other, “This is one dumbass woman”. The other cop replied, “Yep” and they arrested Teresa for Grand Theft and being a dumbass without a license.

Maybe one of you Bible scholars out there can put me some knowledge. Ain’t there a Commandment or something in the Good Book about stealing from the dead? If there’s not, there ought to be. I think I’ll have to get on the phone with the Pope later today and lay down the smack about robbing the dearly departed and what in the name of all that is Holy can we do about this kind of thing. Can we “create” a Special Place in Hell where you have to listen to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber for eternity? Barring that, this dumbass broad could be given a job in Washington, D.C. as a salesperson for ObamaCare. Now that’s a fate worse than death or The Joy Behar Show played on a continuous loop til the end of time. My advice to this pea brained amoeba is to seek salvation ASAP. Some fates are worse than death, Miley and Justin rolled into one, but NOTHING is worse than that Godless skank and all around vile bitch Joy Behar. NOTHING.