Category: Springfield

Dumb Mass Hole

There’s an old adage that says, “the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime”. I would amend that saying to, “a dumbass criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.” Or in the case of today’s Dumbass of the Day, a Dumb Mass Criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.

In Springfield, Massachusetts, a dumbass named Edward Blatch, and one of his buddies called in to Fu Wong’s for some Chinese food for delivery. So the Chinese delivery guy arrives at Ed’s house with the food order. Ed and his dumbass buddy decide that they wanted more than a little Egg Fu Yung and pork fried rice, so the two dumbasses point a shotgun at the delivery guy and proceed to rob him of his cash, cell phone, bluetooth device and car keys. This is where your everyday normal dumbass ends his interaction with his victim. But good old Ed is a dumbass deluxe.

Ed and his partner in crime smoked a couple of bong hits, got the munchies and decided to go out to eat some Chinese food at you guessed it, Fu Wong’s! We are on the edge of Uncharted Dumbassery here, but Ed’s just the kind of dumbass to push the envelope of dumbassery to the point of insanity. As fate would have it, the driver who was the victim of Ed’s criminal impulses, was working that very day. Finally, justice would be served (pun intended). Delivery guy recognized Ed and his accomplice and went on tell his co-workers that the guys who robbed him were in the dining room. If Fu Wong’s is like most other Chinese food joints, all the employees are of the Asian persuasion. And they know how to use a knife in the kitchen, therefore a man’s gazebos would be easy to turn into a new buffet item. Anyway, all these Asian fuckers surround Ed and his buddy and call the police, to whom Ed and his dumbass buddy were delivered. <——I made a funny.

Ed and the other dumbass are now guests of the state for a few years, where Ed will have his “egg” “fu yung’ed” on a daily basis. Ed, next time head for McDonalds and leave the shotgun home. Dumbass.

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