Category: Starbucks

Purse Goes BOOM in Starbucks;Reader’s Choice Birthday Bash Best of Dumbass News

I wrote this post back on January 5,2012 and for some Dumbass Reason, it has been one of the most popular posts of the last couple of years.

As we celebrate two years of Dumbass News, this goes on the Dumbass’ Choice List of Favorite Posts Since the Beginning of the Blog.

Over & Under Pistolaccino

With big announcement of the 2011 Dumbass of the Year and the big threefer Dumbass of the Day post from yesterday, we have begun the new year with both barrels ablazin’. Kind of like our dumbass today, except that I am using “both barrels ablazin'” as a metaphor for getting off to a rousing start. Our Dumbass of the Day uses “both barrels ablazin'” in a very literal sense. Allow me to elucidate.

The Elucidation

There’s a young lady, a teenager in fact, in Cheyenne, Wyoming who was visiting her local Starbucks so she could waste $5 on a cup of coffee that she could buy somewhere else for $1.29, when a very strange thing happened. Her purse went off. Not went off like it grew legs and ran away. Went off as in POW! Like a gun! Wanna know why it sounded like a gun? Because it was a gun! As much as I hate to say this about teenagers, this chick is a dumbass. She had an over and under (one barrel on top of another barrel) derringer in her purse and somehow the damn thing discharged. The bullet went through a chair and embedded itself in a wall on the other side of the coffee shop. This young lady is lucky that the bullet didn’t go through another customer and embed itself in yet another bystander. The cops were summoned to the scene and were not exactly what one would call “amused”. “Pissed” is more like it. They cited the dumbass with possession of a firearm by a juvenile which carries a $750 bond and an automatic (no gun pun intended) court appearance. 

The 2nd Amendment

If you’ve been stoopid enough to have read this blog for any length of time, you know that I am big Constitutionalist. If it’s in the Constitution of the United States, leave it the hell alone! This is especially true of the Second Amendment, the one that gives Americans the right to keep and bear arms. There are many good reasons for this amendment being the second one right behind the Freedom of Speech thing, but those are for discussion on another day. 

Anyway, the right to bear arms in the state of Wyoming is not afforded to those not yet of the majority age. For those of you in San Francisco that means a person must be at least 18 in order to legally have a gun in Wyoming. Commie Dumbasses. (in SF, not Wyoming)

Having said all that, with gun ownership comes great responsibility and this girl obviously left responsibility at home when she was packing heat in the first place, much less in a public establishment like Starbucks. As was done, she received the punishment due to her and still faces other charges. Maybe. It’s up to the DA in Cheyenne.

The Right to Be a Dumbass

I don’t normally cover subjects that are so serious, but even dumbasses, myself included, need a reminder of what it takes to be a good American Dumbass. This country has allowed us to be the finest dumbasses on the planet, so let’s do our due diligence in showing our gratitude for such an opportunity. Remember, there are places on this Big Blue Marble that punish and demean dumbasses and gun owners but celebrate sissies and perverts. Like San Francisco. Pussies.

As for our little Annie Oakley at Starbucks…quit packing a rod and tote some feminine hygiene products instead. You never know when you’ll be in San Fran and one of the pussies there will need one. 

And start drinking decaf. You’ll be much better off.

Dumbass.

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A Dumbass Threefer, Pistol in Starbucks Goes BOOM & Sueing Over Chickens

We are now over half way through February and about six weeks into 2012, and we already have an 18 wheeler full of potential Dumbass of the Year nominees. Maybe the Mayans were right and 2012 will be the last year of existence for Planet Earth. That’s how goofy things have been so far this year.

As proof I offer you some examples of the Dumbasses who warrant our attention as possible DOY candidates.

The 1st Dumbass of 2012 is a Threefer! This should have been an omen of things to come for 2012. Three Funky Old Dudes expose their prunish ding a lings in public to other men. As the old adage goes, “it’s never too late to be a homo even if you’re not one”. A great way to kick off 2012.

Purse Goes BANG in Starbucks – Some young lady, a dumbass by trade, goes into a coffee joint with a loaded pistol in her purse and nearly shoots another customer in his frapachinos, narrowly missing another’s latte.

Butthurt Dumbass Sues a Guy for Having Chickens in His YardWe get a large portion of our Dumbass News from the Sunshine State of Florida. I think this holds true because the F L A has a large population of snow birds. Snow birds meaning “Yankees”. I’m just sayin’.

There you have it, Day 1 of my vacation. The people mentioned in the posts above are excellent examples of the Dumbasses we have covered thus far in 2012. If you need more dumbassery, be sure to check out the blog archives. Be sure to share Dumbass News with your friends, or enemies, by sending them a link to the stories you like. In the right side bar, you’ll se a widget named “Bookmark” where you can share the World’s Greatest Dumbassery on almost 400 social web sites. I need the readers, so share it!  🙂

Dumbass.

See you in a few days!

Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

Coffee and Lap Dances – Jugs & Java

Coffee? What Coffee?

The Crud ® that my wife was so gracious to pass on to me is kicking my ass. It hurts me just to use the keyboard, but I can’t leave you dumbasses to look this kind of stuff up on your own. Especially dumbassery like you are about to re-read. Married men who search for this kind of “entertainment” on the internet could end up as non-married men looking up this kind of “entertainment” on the internet. I can’t be held responsible for that. But I can recommend a good divorce attorney. I’m just sayin’
From September 9, 2011:

This country has gone to hell in a hand basket. The economy sucks, unemployment is over 9% and now the cops of Edmonds, Washington are busting baristas for flashing their boobs at customers. This is an outrage! It is every American woman’s God-given right to show her hammers to anyone at any time she wants to. It’s gotta be in the Constitution somewhere. Maybe the commerce clause? I have been a fan of knockers for a long time, so this hits me especially hard. I drink coffee on occasion, but I look at tatas every day of my life and have done so for over 50 years. I am not giving up leering at boobs for anybody or any reason!

Here’s the deal: The women in question work for a Starbuck’s-like place called Java Jugs in Edmonds. Irony anyone? Anyway, these broads have been serving more than double latte chocolate mocha espresso supreme with extra sugar and cream. Some customers buy “coffee” for as much as $20. In return they get a lap dance and a good look at some titties. For some odd reason the Police in Edmonds fail to see the benefits of such a “sale”. Did I mention that Java Jugs has a stripper pole inside the shop? Yup. A stripper pole. What good is a stripper pole going unused, just standing there waiting, nay, pleading, for some skank to git nekkid and reveal her assets to paying customers? None, I say!

Think about it. You stop at Dunkin Donuts and pay $5 for a cup of coffee and drive away with nothing but a $5 cup of coffee. Guys who stop at java Jugs come away with much more than just a lousy cup of coffee, they drive away with, er, um, inspiration. And memories of a well-formed set of sweater puppies. And the cops get all in a huff about it. Where’s there sense of live and let live? What do the Police have against boobies? I mean hell.

The Boob Squad of the Edmonds PD found out about this little enterprise and promptly sent over an undercover guy who witnessed what was going on for himself. He even got a lapdance or two or ten (one can never be too hasty when evaluating such a delicate case). After much evidence gathering, the cops wrote out a lot of citations to the sluts ladies working at Java Jugs and the owner of the erstwhile strip joint said that she would be nice and follow the laws as written. No more bare breasts at Java Jugs. sad, isn’t it?

By the way, the police will be keeping an eye peeled for more flashing of the racks at JJ”s. The lawmen also vow to keep doing “undercover” work to keep Java Jugs in compliance. I’ll bet. <snort>

Dumbasses.

Purse Goes BANG in Starbucks!

Over & Under

With big announcement of the 2011 Dumbass of the Year and the big threefer Dumbass of the Day post from yesterday, we have begun the new year with both barrels ablazin’. Kind of like our dumbass today, except that I am using “both barrels ablazin'” as a metaphor for getting off to a rousing start. Our Dumbass of the Day uses “both barrels ablazin'” in a very literal sense. Allow me to elucidate.

The Elucidation

There’s a young lady, a teenager in fact, in Cheyenne, Wyoming who was visiting her local Starbucks so she could waste $5 on a cup of coffee that she could buy somewhere else for $1.29, when a very strange thing happened. Her purse went off. Not went off like it grew legs and ran away. Went off as in POW! Like a gun! Wanna know why it sounded like a gun? Because it was a gun! As much as I hate to say this about teenagers, this chick is a dumbass. She had an over and under (one barrel on top of another barrel) derringer in her purse and somehow the damn thing discharged. The bullet went through a chair and embedded itself in a wall on the other side of the coffee shop. This young lady is lucky that the bullet didn’t go through another customer and embed itself in yet another bystander. The cops were summoned to the scene and were not exactly what one would call “amused”. “Pissed” is more like it. They cited the dumbass with possession of a firearm by a juvenile which carries a $750 bond and an automatic (no gun pun intended) court appearance. 

The 2nd Amendment

If you’ve been stoopid enough to have read this blog for any length of time, you know that I am big Constitutionalist. If it’s in the Constitution of the United States, leave it the hell alone! This is especially true of the Second Amendment, the one that gives Americans the right to keep and bear arms. There are many good reasons for this amendment being the second one right behind the Freedom of Speech thing, but those are for discussion on another day. 

Anyway, the right to bear arms in the state of Wyoming is not afforded to those not yet of the majority age. For those of you in San Francisco that means a person must be at least 18 in order to legally have a gun in Wyoming. Commie Dumbasses. (in SF, not Wyoming)

Having said all that, with gun ownership comes great responsibility and this girl obviously left responsibility at home when she was packing heat in the first place, much less in a public establishment like Starbucks. As was done, she received the punishment due to her and still faces other charges. Maybe. It’s up to the DA in Cheyenne.

The Right to Be a Dumbass

I don’t normally cover subjects that are so serious, but even dumbasses, myself included, need a reminder of what it takes to be a good American Dumbass. This country has allowed us to be the finest dumbasses on the planet, so let’s do our due diligence in showing our gratitude for such an opportunity. Remember, there are places on this Big Blue Marble that punish and demean dumbasses and gun owners but celebrate sissies and perverts. Like San Francisco. Pussies.

As for our little Annie Oakley at Starbucks…quit packing a rod and tote some feminine hygiene products instead. You never know when you’ll be in San Fran and one of the pussies there will need one. 

And start drinking decaf. You’ll be much better off.

Dumbass.

Java Jugs: Have a Coffee and a Lapdance

Cofeee? Tea? Lapdance?

This country has gone to hell in a hand basket. The economy sucks, unemployment is over 9% and now the cops of Edmonds, Washington are busting baristas for flashing their boobs at customers. This is an outrage! It is every American woman’s God-given right to show her hammers to anyone at any time she wants to. It’s gotta be in the Constitution somewhere. Maybe the commerce clause? I have been a fan of knockers for a long time, so this hits me especially hard. I drink coffee on occasion, but I look at tatas every day of my life and have done so for over 50 years. I am not giving up leering at boobs for anybody or any reason!

Here’s the deal: The women in question work for a Starbuck’s-like place called Java Jugs in Edmonds. Irony anyone? Anyway, these broads have been serving more than double latte chocolate mocha espresso supreme with extra sugar and cream. Some customers buy “coffee” for as much as $20. In return they get a lap dance and a good look at some titties. For some odd reason the Police in Edmonds fail to see the benefits of such a “sale”. Did I mention that Java Jugs has a stripper pole inside the shop? Yup. A stripper pole. What good is a stripper pole going unused, just standing there waiting, nay, pleading, for some skank to git nekkid and reveal her assets to paying customers? None, I say!

Think about it. You stop at Dunkin Donuts and pay $5 for a cup of coffee and drive away with nothing but a $5 cup of coffee. Guys who stop at java Jugs come away with much more than just a lousy cup of coffee, they drive away with, er, um, inspiration. And memories of a well-formed set of sweater puppies. And the cops get all in a huff about it. Where’s there sense of live and let live? What do the Police have against boobies? I mean hell.

The Boob Squad of the Edmonds PD found out about this little enterprise and promptly sent over an undercover guy who witnessed what was going on for himself. He even got a lapdance or two or ten (one can never be too hasty when evaluating such a delicate case). After much evidence gathering, the cops wrote out a lot of citations to the sluts ladies working at Java Jugs and the owner of the erstwhile strip joint said that she would be nice and follow the laws as written. No more bare breasts at Java Jugs. sad, isn’t it?

By the way, the police will be keeping an eye peeled for more flashing of the racks at JJ”s. The lawmen also vow to keep doing “undercover” work to keep Java Jugs in compliance. I’ll bet. <snort>

Dumbasses.

UPDATE: From Beef Blogonoff in the comments.:
“As for the constitution I believe it’s …they are (well) endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights…(especially)the pursuit of (my)happiness.” bwahahahahahahaha!!!