Category: Steak Knife

Dumbass Stuffs Candlelight Dinner Down His Pants!

Even Dumbasses Love Romance

Doing this blog pretty much everyday can be a bit difficult sometimes. It takes a lot of time, believe it or not, and a lot of brain power to come up with the Pulitzer-quality material you get here on Dumbass News. For example, who else in the world, out of billions of blogs would even dare to bring you a story about a guy who pisses on chicken? Right in the supermarket! Nobody! That’s who! How ’bout the one where the steals some meat from the market and goes to a nearby bar and tries to sell it? To two guys who work for the supermarket where the dumbass stole the meat! Bwahahahahaha! That’s the quality of “journalism” you’ve come to expect from this blog. Now if you dumbasses would hit the “Donate” button in the right sidebar all would be well in Dumbassville.

A Sissy Dumbass 

Not all dumbass thieves are hardened criminals or drunks pissing on yard bird. Some dumbass crooks have a softer side to them. Take, for instance, Dannial Ashley. Please! hahahaha! <—– a little Henny Youngman humor there. It’s easy to tell that Dannial is a sucker for romance simply by looking st his name. His name also proves that he is a dumbass. First, who the hell spells the name “Daniel” like that? No. Damn. Body. And his last name? A dead giveaway. Any male dumbass with the last name “Ashley” is a pussy. It’s a given. The mufugga should change his last name to “Jones” or “Smith” or some shit. “Ashley ain’t cuttin’ the mustard.

At Least He’s the Romantic Type  

Our man Dannial here was looking to have a romantic dinner with his hooker girlfriend celebrating a successful drive-by shooting, so he went to the local grocery store and picked up all the stuff needed for a nice, cozy candlelight dinner with her. The problem is, Dannial neglected to go through the checkout lane!  Nothing says “i love you” like a candlelight dinner consisting of stolen property. It’s gettin’ to the point these days that romantic felon can’t even enjoy a pilfered supper with his hooker girlfriend anymore. what’s up with that shit? It’s probably just as well. Dannial had stuffed his booty next to his booty! And his gazebos! Yes, friends, this dumbass had stuffed the food down his pants in order to make an escape. Now, I don’t know about you, but I have a slight aversion to eating food that has been stuffed in a man’s pants right next to his gazebos. I want smell a perfectly cooked steak that smells like a perfectly cooked steak, not crotch rot. But that’s just me.

No Romance Tonight

Remember up there ^^^^ when I said I knew this moron was a pussy simply by looking at his name? Ladies and gentlemen, and I use those terms loosely, here’s proof: while trying to absconded with his ill-gotten gain, Dannial was chased down by some grocery store employees! What kind of self-respecting felon would ever, I mean ever get busted by guys working for a grocery store? Think about it. Imagine, if you will, the supermarket in your neighborhood. Is one, single employee there that could catch a felon worth his weight in stolen hubcaps in a foot race? I rest my case. Dannial Ashley is a pussy. He gives candlelight dinner thieves all over the world a bad name. Shame on you, Dannial. Shame on you.



From Stinky Feet to Felon

There are some things that men just don’t say to women, regardless of what reality is. The one that leaps to mind is, “That dress makes your ass look like two pigs in a tow sack fightin’ to get out.” Bad form, Old Boy. Never tell a woman her ass looks like “two pigs in a tow sack”. That’s just plain dumbass. A new addition to the “Things a Man Doesn’t Tell a Woman the Truth About List” is that her feet are, shall we say, less than aromatic, especially if she has been partaking of the demon rum. Case in point: A 19 year old male dumbass, whose name was not mentioned in this article, is expected to recover from a stab wound to the back inflicted by Dallas Amber Smith, soon to be convicted felon dumbass.

Here’s the deal: The young male dumbass and Dallas Amber Smith were hanging out with some friends and drinking. Our girl Dallas was challenged by another drunk minor to do a back flip. Dallas removed her shoes and was psyching herself up to do a backflip, which if unsuccessful would have resulted in the loss of a few teeth upon her face impacting the ground, great embarrassment and a spot on Dumbass News. Dallas Amber Smith never attempted the backflip. Why? The previously-mentioned 19 year old male dumbass told her that her feet stank and as you may have deduced by now, Dallas took offense to it. Then she got mad. The facts of the story are a bit hazy at this point, but we do know that the police were called. What is not hazy is the fact that Dallas Amber Smith hated being told that her feet stink so much that she buried a steak knife several inches into the 19 year old male dumbass’ back! Now Dallas has been charged with second degree assault with a deadly weapon. And the 19 year old male is recovering from his injuries which include a collapsed lung and a severe case of The Dumbass.