Category: Strippers

Nekkid House Cleaning, Texas Style!

FiFi

Lubbock, Texas. The Hub City. Located in the Llano Estacado (Staked Plains) of West Texas, Lubbock ain’t a bad little city. It’s home to Texas Tech University and the Red Raiders. I have been to Lubbock on a few occasions but not in many years. I remember it as a very conservative place where you actually had to leave the city limits to buy a six pack of beer. that may still be true, but Lubbock is a bit less conservative these days than way back then.

Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock made it so.

Nekkid House Cleaning

The idea behind Fantasy Maid Service is for you to hire out a maid from them and she will come to your house to clean it up the way it should be cleaned up. This is a great idea for bachelors who are too busy chasing split tail deer at the bars near the Texas Tech Campus to do a proper house cleaning. especially if Mom & Dad are coming for a visit.

What (lifts and) separates Fantasy from other such business in Lubbock is that the girls from Fantasy will clean your home in various stages of undress right in front of the customer, if of course the client is over 18 years old.

Nekkid Maids Love the Cops & Military Guys! (and Girls, too…maybe)

At this point, I feel it is better for me to copy and paste some information directly and unedited from the Fantasy web site, but the site blocks me from doing so! bwahahahahahahaha

You’ve got to see this shit to believe it, so I’ll give you a quick summary of the pertinent information, then you can click on the link that will follow so you can verify that what I am telling you is 100% true!

The Fantasy strippers maids also work parties pouring drinks and serving “appetizers” to party guests. I’ll bet. They heartily recommend two maids to work your party. I would assume that a single maid would get worn out too quickly to provide satisfactory service all night long. Let me stress here that Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock goes out of their way to point out that they are not an adult oriented business. I agree. Who in the world could possibly see a business that provides scantily clad or nekkid young women to clean homes or waitress at parties as an adult oriented venture? Certainly not me. I am all for the public display of boobs of all sizes, shapes and colors at any given time. provided of course that the boobs on public display are at least 18 years of age.

The owners of Fantasy Maids are not just people who rent out nekkid bimbos for house cleaning and parties, they are also community supporters! Why, they even offer a discount to cops, fire fighters and military members and vets! God bless America!

That’s a thumbnail sketch of what Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock is all about, but it is only fair that I provide a link to their website and let you see first hand what the hookers girls are expected to and not to do and some other shit. Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock.

Hooter Showing is a Right!

I feel compelled to alert you king hearted Dumbasses to the fact that this has not been all peaches and cream for Fantasy Maid Service. The Lubbock Police Department, at the behest of the Lubbock County District Attorney I would presume, are demanding that Fantasy pony up for a license that designates it as an adult oriented bidness. The owners of the nekkid maid place say they ain’t buyin’ it because they ain’t an adult oriented bidness. The cops retort that no license means a $2000 a day fine for Fantasy Maids! Two. Large. A. Day. The poor employees of Fantasy would have to show a ton of boobage to make up for a two grand a day penalty.

I say to the owners and maids of Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock : Fight back!

Tits for Tat

I have an idea that’ll turn this situation into a Public Relations nightmare for the prudes at City Hall and a financial windfall for Fantasy Maids!

Get all the maids at Fantasy and as many Texas Tech coeds and other young female owners of Sweater Puppies to go to the very steps of Lubbock City Hall and show them your knockers! If dozens of pairs of supple breasts are on prominent display right in Downtown Lubbock, imagine the media coverage to be had! imagine all the curious (and horny) young men of the Hub City that would show up in support (pun intended) of Fantasy Maid Service and demand that the City back off and harass some other local bidness persons! or minorities. Or wetbacks.

I would also urge that some enterprising Lubbobkidian get properly permitted by the powers that be in town and set up a refreshment stand! Hamburgers, hot dogs, french fries, burritos! Beer! Soda! make it a fucking party that the City of Lubbock will NEVER forget!

Be sure to take along your video cam and shoot as much footage as possible for posting on YouTube. As the brains behind this revolutionary concept, I get first shot at any and all video and/or photos taken at this event! 


You should alert  any and all media (TV, Radio, Newspapers,Blogs) well ahead of time in order to get maximum exposure! (pun intended again)

It’s Now in Your Hands, Lubbock!

I have given you a starting point in which to rally around the good titties people of Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock and fight the dickweeds that want to suppress boobies everywhere. I fully expect that you will keep me up to date on how things go during the Tits for Tat Protest and Exravaganza. I can be reached at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com.

Do your part, Lubbock! Show the world that your Sweater Puppies will not be impounded!

Make the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde proud!

Long live tits!

And Dumbasses!

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Dumbass Lies That Will Save Your Nut Sack – Maybe

“Tell the Truth, Dumbass!”

Best of Dumbass News

Here’s an Old Saying that I just made up : “All liars are Dumbasses but not all Dumbasses are liars”. Pretty profound, huh? Yeah, I come up with a good one once in a while.

The preceding Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Words of Wisdom and Dumbassery© are mainly true for male Dumbasses when talking to female Dumbasses. Under certain circumstances, when presented with a choice of telling the truth or lying like a mangy flea-bitten dawg, a male Dumbass will lie through his teeth every. single. time.

In all fairness to male Dumbasses everywhere, sometimes a lie will save your life – not to mention your gazebos. As a Public Service to Prevaricating Dumbasses of the XY Chromosome Persuasion, I shall point out some instances where a teensy weensy fib is an infinitely better choice than telling the God’s honest truth.

It ‘s OK to Lie When…

Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, Top Dumbass Material Contributor and You Tube Star,  found an article on ivillage.com about The Top 10 Lies Men Tell Women. I will list a few of them below, then give my take on the proper way to address the deal.

  • Does this dress make my ass look big? Fellas, this is a trick question. A woman asks you this because she really wants to know the truth. Except she really doesn’t. I told you it was a trick question. One the one hand, a lady honestly wants to know if a certain dress makes her ass look too big. She can’t, after all, go to a party, business dinner, etc. wearing a dress that makes her rear end look like the back side of a Mack truck. This is both embarrassing and unprofessional. Therein lies the dilemma for a male Dumbass. Let’s say the dress is too tight and you know it. You then politely say, “Honey, that dress fits you a little snugly”. The woman, wanting to hear the truth but not wanting to hear it all at the same time, hears you say, “Bitch, your ass is so wide I’d have to measure it using the length of axe handles”. 

Solution: Lie and lie convincingly. I mean real convincingly. A little white lie here can mean the difference in leading a life with happy gazebos or no gazebos at all. The gazebos win every time.

  • I Don’t Enjoy Going to Strip Clubs. Men, you have dug your own grave here with one foot in it and the other foot on a banana peel. The only way out is to know when to stop digging. And by “stop digging” I mean of course, “stop lying”. You are in a no-win situation at this point, guys. So just shut the fuck up. Here’s the deal: you have begun lying to a woman by lying before you ever get the chance to tell the real lie! Of course you like going to strip clubs! You are a man for Pete’s sake! Men are horn dawgs and going to a strip club is the closest to being a philandering bastard as you can get without actually being a philandering bastard! Unless, of course, you are already a low-life cheating scuz ball. 

Solution: Don’t lie to begin with. Women are not stoopid. They can see through a lie like this like Superman looks through brick walls. Or G-strings. Women know (they may not understand, but they know) that men are pigs. A man, when faced with the choice of settling down with one woman and the same poon every night for the next fifty years or cavorting about with nubile young women who look like Jessica Alba without clothes on and getting new poon every night of his life, will, believe it or not, always go home to someone they love before they go on a Stripper Hump-a-Thon. Even the horniest of marrried men need the comfort and reassurance that only a good woman at home can provide.

If you want to go to the Jiggle Joint with your buddies, simply tell your wife, “Baby, I’m going to the Pierced Nipple with Frank. We just want to check out some young, firm hooters. You know, the kind you used to have?”

Then call a divorce lawyer.

Dumbass.

Strip Club Evacuation! Ugly Strippers First Out

Best of Dumbass News
As a Former Professional Drinker I can assure you that I contributed to the United States economy in ways that your Non-Professional Drinker does not.

For example, back before General Motors and Chrysler got themselves in a big jam, they owed to me a debt of gratitude, not to mention a new Corvette, for my contributions to their financial well being. Not all of their success but a great deal of it.

You may be asking yourself how could a solitary Fearless Leader be such a boon to the automotive industry in the United States? The answer? Strippers. I dropped enough money on lap dances to finance several dozen new cars. With extended warranties. I had the money to blow, so why not help out a stripper? It beats the hell out of giving to the nitwits who sell flowers on street corners. I’ll take knockers over flowers any day of the week.

Not So Good Places

Some of the Jiggle Joints I patronized were not what you’d call “gentlemen’s clubs”. Dives is more like it. I was going into to this one place in Houston one time with a couple of my buddies visiting from Dallas when there was a hail of gun fire right in front of the entrance to the place. Spooky indeed. So, what did we do? We went in. What did you expect? There were boobies waiting to be gawked at in there.

Fire! Or Not.

In the more “high class” strip clubs the props used by the dancers range from that well-known piece of exercise equipment known asthe “stripper pole” to ribbons and fog machines. Only the ugly stippers, however, used the fog machines. But even the most high-tech and foggiest of fog machines can not hide ugly. Take my word for it.

I did not pay for lap dances from ugly strippers. A nice rack can get a girl only so far with me. Ugly is a deal-breaker.

Smokin’

Down in Hotlanta, a group of Professional Drinkers and bidnessmen were sitting around looking at tatas and blowing their hard earned money at a strip joint when a thick smoke filled the room. Thicker and thicker the smoke became. “Fire!”, someone yelled. So the pro drinkers and the Guys Cheating on Their Expense Accounts were herded outside the club.

Enter the Fire Department. Unable to locate the blaze, one fireman bravely entering the “inferno”, struggling to see through the thick smoke when he finally came upon the source of the smoke.

You guessed it. A stripper fog machine!

It seems as if if one of the strippers forgot to turn off the fog machine after her routine and the smoke quickly filled up the entire titty bar! This ruins a good day of looking at nice racks rather quickly.

Preguntas (a little Meskin lingo there)

As usual, I have questions.

  • How could a stripper fog machine be making fog for a long enough period of time without being noticed until the whole club looked like downtown London?
  • Who was the Dumbas in charge of turning off the stripper fog machine? The stripper or some minimum wage bar back who was too drunk to remember to shut it off?
  • Why did this Strip Club hire an ugly stripper? Remember, only ugly stripper use fog machines.
  • Did the management of the club fire whoever screwed up all the boob ogling?
  • Is the ugly stripper still working there?
  • What happened to the stripper fog machine?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Dumbasses.

Lady That Sells Lingerie Gets Fired for Having Big Boobs!

Replay of Dumbass News

If you have read Dumbass News for any period of time longer than about ten minutes, you know that I am against discrimination in any way, shape or form. Except when it’s necessary to the plot. Or against the Fwench. The Fwench deserve derision and scorn at every turn. But, I digress.

Discriminating against any person, except the Fwench of course, because of religion, race, national origin, creed, large hooters, etc. is a crime against humanity. Especially being discriminatory against a big rack.

Which brings us to today’s story.

The Bigguns in Question

Fired Because of Heat Seeking Missiles

Lauren Odes is a young woman from New Jersey who just happens to be shall we say, “well-endowed”. No, we shall not. We shall say that Lauren has very large knockers. It’s these females appendages that are the source of Ms. Odes’ problem.

Lauren was fired from her job because her heat seekers are too big. I know, this is the worst form of discrimination possible. Look at all the joy and comfort that titties have brought into the world since the time of Adam and Eve. Think about it. Babies had to have something to eat, right? Another example of boobs being of benefit to mankind, children specifically, is the story of the nice strippers who tried to help out a Los Angeles Little League Baseball team.

I guess I should now mention that Ms. Odes and her hammers worked for a sexy lingerie store! I thought the idea of sexy underwear for women was to show a female’s assets. Am I wrong?

Disturbing Questions

Question 1) What do the owners of the “Almost Nekkid Lady Shop “have against massive breastses?

Question 2) Note that is an important part of the story: The owners of the “Almost Nekkid Lady Shop” are Orthodox Jews. That is a pertinent fact of the story. Why? Because there is evidently a dress code of some sort for Orthodox Jewish wimmin and Lauren was expected to follow that dress code. She was given a bathrobe to cover her chestictular protrusions and felt insulted, so she went shopping to buy clothing that complied with the Orthodox Jewish Wimmin dress code. She was then notified on her cell phone that she had been relieved of her duties as an almost nekkid lady lingerie sales person. It is also essential to note that Lauren Odes is a Jew as well. Not Orthodox, but Jewish nonetheless. Now the question; what do the Orthodox Jews have against New Jersey-size hooters?

Question 3) If the bidness that Lauren worked for sold sexy lingerie, wouldn’t great big tits be a valuable sales tool? Tools?

Lauren Hires a Publicity Hound

I was gonna subtitle this section of the story “Lauren Hires a Publicity Whore”, but the publicity whore Lauren hired is Gloria Allred and Ms. Allred has no compunction about sueing a guy like me for calling her a publicity whore. So, I won’t call call G-Red a publicity whore in order to avoid any possible litigation. However! Gloria can not sue me for thinking that she is a publicity whore. Therefore, I think Gloria Allred is a publicity whore.

Ms. Allred, whom I think is a PR hooker whore, is an excellent choice in Lauren’s pursuit of Justice against the Orthodox Jewish guys who hate big bosoms and terminate female employees who are blessed with a substantial rack. Gloria Allred, when representing a wronged woman, is like a pit bull on a T-bone. Vicious and umstoppable.

As much as I think Ms. Allred is a publicity whore, I am actually on her side this time. She has taken up a case worthy of litigation and will be certainly prevail against the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Hate Big Boobs in a court of law. And deservedly so.

Good luck to Lauren and her heat seekers.

As for the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Dislike Bodacious Ta-tas…

Yutzis.

Dumbasses.

***Thanks to the Daily Mail for the Photo***

Dumbass News Birthday Bash Continues! The Readers’ Most Popular Posts

The Dumbass News Birthday Bash continues!

I was going over the blog stats looking for the most popular stories in its two year history so I could re-post them for the Birthday Bash. Of course the older posts are gonna have more views, but the sheer number of views for some of them caught me by surprise.

When I write something, I fully expect it to get a lot of eyeballs on it. But in the case of the most-read stories, some of the stories themselves garnered way more views than I thought they would. I mean, when I write about strippers (or boobs) that brings out the perverts en masse, as expected. Tattoos are also a very popular subject, pot is too, so it comes a no big shocker that stories about pot, strippers (or boobs) and tattoos rank very high on the Dumbass Reading List. Dumbass Newspaper Headlines do well too. Stories about make up do not. See where I’m comin’ from?

Therefore, it comes as no surprise that the stories that got the most attention over the last two years involve strippers (or boobs), tattoos, pot and Dumbass Newspaper Headlines

Here they are:

  • Java Jugs: Have a Coffee and a Lap Dance! – Buy a cup of coffee for twenty bucks and you get a lap dance Free!
  • The Return of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!This feature is always very well-received by Dumbasses around the world. This early (2nd or 3rd?) edition of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines has been viewed almost 1000 times! Who knew?
  • A Guy Named Gus, His Ducks and Pot – This is the story of a French Guy who innocently feeds his ducks pot. They are very happy ducks. Gus has been read about nearly 1200 times! By stoned Dumbasses.
  • Tattoos Are Forever, Dumbass – I knew this one was gonna be a biggie, but not this big! Viewed nearly 2500 times, this is the tale of a radio station prank and a tattoo that went real wrong.

Those stories oughtta keep you busy and in stitches for a while. With a combined total of over 5000 views, these are the four most-viewed posts in the two year history of Dumbass News. With good reason. See for yourself.

Dumbass.

Fog Machine Causes Strip Club Evacuation!

As a Former Professional Drinker I can assure you that I contributed to the United states economy in ways that your Non-Professional Drinker does not.

For example, back before General Motors and Chrysler got themselves in a big jam, they owed to me a debt of gratitude, not to mention a new Corvette, for my contributions to their financial well being. Not all of their success but a great deal of it.

You may be asking yourself how could a solitary Fearless Leader be such a boon to the automotive industry in the United States? The answer? Strippers. I dropped enough money on lap dances to finance several dozen new cars. With extended warranties. I had the money to blow, so why not help out a stripper? It beats the hell out of giving to the nitwits who sell flowers on street corners. I’ll take knockers over flowers any day of the week.

Not So Good Places 

Some of the Jiggle Joints I patronized were not what you’d call “gentlemen’s clubs”. Dives is more like it. I was going into to this one place in Houston one time with a couple of my buddies visiting from Dallas when there was a hail of gun fire right in front of the entrance to the place. Spooky indeed. So, what did we do? We went in. What did you expect? There were boobies waiting to be gawked at in there.

Fire! Or Not.

In the more “high class” strip clubs the props used by the dancers range from that well-known piece of exercise equipment known asthe “stripper pole” to ribbons and fog machines. Only the ugly stippers, however, used the fog machines. But even the most high-tech and foggiest of fog machines can not hide ugly. Take my word for it.

I did not pay for lap dances from ugly strippers. A nice rack can get a girl only so far with me. Ugly is a deal-breaker.

Smokin’  

Down in Hotlanta, a group of Professional Drinkers and bidnessmen were sitting around looking at tatas and blowing their hard earned money at a strip joint when a thick smoke filled the room. Thicker and thicker the smoke became. “Fire!”, someone yelled. So the pro drinkers and the Guys Cheating on Their Expense Accounts were herded outside the club.

Enter the Fire Department. Unable to locate the blaze, one fireman bravely entering the “inferno”, struggling to see through the thick smoke when he finally came upon the source of the smoke.

You guessed it. A stripper fog machine!

It seems as if if one of the strippers forgot to turn off the fog machine after her routine and the smoke quickly filled up the entire titty bar! This ruins a good day of looking at nice racks rather quickly.

Preguntas (a little Meskin lingo there)

As usual, I have questions.

  • How could a stripper fog machine be making fog for a long enough period of time without being noticed until the whole club looked like downtown London?
  • Who was the Dumbas in charge of turning off the stripper fog machine? The stripper or some minimum wage bar back who was too drunk to remember to shut it off?
  • Why did this Strip Club hire an ugly stripper? Remember, only ugly stripper use fog machines.
  • Did the management of the club fire whoever screwed up all the boob ogling?
  • Is the ugly stripper still working there?
  • What happened to the stripper fog machine?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Dumbasses.

 
 
 

Female Lingerie Seller Fired for Having Bigguns

The Heat Seekers in Question

If you have read Dumbass News for any period of time longer than about ten minutes, you know that I am against discrimination in any way, shape or form. Except when it’s necessary to the plot. Or against the Fwench. The Fwench deserve derision and scorn at every turn. But, I digress.

Discriminating against any person, except the Fwench of course, because of religion, race, national origin, creed, large hooters, etc. is a crime against humanity. Especially being discriminatory against a big rack.

Which brings us to today’s story.

Fired Because of Heat Seeking Missiles

Lauren Odes is a young woman from New Jersey who just happens to be shall we say, “well-endowed”. No, we shall not. We shall say that Lauren has very large knockers. It’s these females appendages that are the source of Ms. Odes’ problem.

Lauren was fired from her job because her heat seekers are too big. I know, this is the worst form of discrimination possible. Look at all the joy and comfort that titties have brought into the world since the time of Adam and Eve. Think about it. Babies had to have something to eat, right? Another example of boobs being of benefit to mankind, children specifically, is the story of the nice strippers who tried to help out a Los Angeles Little League Baseball team.

I guess I should now mention that Ms. Odes and her hammers worked for a sexy lingerie store! I thought the idea of sexy underwear for women was to show a female’s assets. Am I wrong?

Disturbing Questions

Question 1) What do the owners of the “Almost Nekkid Lady Shop “have against massive breastses?

Question 2) Note that is an important part of the story: The owners of the “Almost Nekkid Lady Shop” are Orthodox Jews. That is a pertinent fact of the story. Why? Because there is evidently a dress code of some sort for Orthodox Jewish wimmin and Lauren was expected to follow that dress code. She was given a bathrobe to cover her chestictular protrusions and felt insulted, so she went shopping to buy clothing that complied with the Orthodox Jewish Wimmin dress code. She was then notified on her cell phone that she had been relieved of her duties as an almost nekkid lady lingerie sales person. It is also essential to note that Lauren Odes is a Jew also. Not Orthodox, but Jewish nonetheless. Now the question; what do the Orthodox Jews have against New Jersey-size hooters?

Question 3) If the bidness that Lauren worked for sold sexy lingerie, wouldn’t great big tits be a valuable sales tool? Tools?

Lauren Hires a Publicity Hound

I was gonna subtitle this section of the story “Lauren Hires a Publicity Whore”, but the publicity whore Lauren hired is Gloria Allred and Ms. Allred has no compunction about sueing a guy like me for calling her a publicity whore. So, I won’t call call G-Red a publicity whore in order to avoid any possible litigation. However! Gloria can not sue me for thinking that she is a publicity whore. Therefore, I think Gloria Allred is a publicity whore.

Ms. Allred, whom I think is a PR hooker whore, is an excellent choice in Lauren’s pursuit of Justice against the Orthodox Jewish guys who hate big bosoms and terminate female employees who are blessed with a substantial rack. Gloria Allred, when representing a wronged woman, is like a pit bull on a T-bone. Vicious and umstoppable.

As much as I think Ms. Allred is a publicity whore, I am actually on her side this time. She has taken up a case worthy of litigation and will be certainly prevail against the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Hate Big Boobs in a court of law. And deservedly so.

Good luck to Lauren and her heat seekers.

As for the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Dislike Bodacious Ta-tas…


Yutzis. 

Dumbasses.