Category: Stupid Headlines

Meet the Cousin of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines: Dumbass Newspaper Layouts!

Dumbass Newspaper Headlines have long been a staple of this blog. And by”staple” I naturally mean “I have no idea what to write about, so copy and paste somebody else’s stuff”. For today I will not only semi-plagiarize make fair use of material found on BuzzFeed, but will use material they lifted from several other sources! Or as I like to call it, “Material Mimicking Monday”!

Today’s Dumbass Topic? Dumbass Newspaper Layouts! This fun-filled Dumbassery features newspaper headlines not-so-strategically placed in close proximity to another feature in the newspaper that when viewed collectively create much hilarity.

For example:

When reading the headline and looking at the photo simultaneously, we could get the impression that Prince William beats Kate Middleton. We know that it is highly unlikely that His Majesty stomps a mudhole in his lovely bride. Unless they are playing a nice game of “Naughty Catholic School Girl”. This, too is not likely to happen because the Prince is a Protestant and everyone knows that Protestants do not have fun in the boudoir. Hell, Babtists, and Church of Englanders, won’t even make love standing up for fear that somebody will accuse them of dancing. I’m just sayin’.

Now that you’ve got the picture…..

Let the stealing begin!

Look Out, Bonnie and Clyde!

Bon Voyage!

Quick! Everybody to the other side of the ship!

What a phrenzy of photographic phun and phrivolity!

Be sure to click on over to BuzzFeed, they’ve got at least twenty more screenshots of this bullshit. It’s pretty funny stuff.

OK….here’s one for the road….

Dumbasses.

***Photos from imgur.com , happyplace.com , myconfinedspace.com ***

The 1st Dumbass Newspaper Headlines of 2013!

Ladies and gentlemen and Dumbasses from 154 countries around the globe, it’s time once again for one of the most popular features on Dumbass News!

No, we are not gonna show nekkid lezbean photos of Salma Hayek, Angelina Jolie or Charlize Theron. Get your mind out of the gutter, Dumbass. We show nekkid lezbean photos of beautiful Hollywood starlets on Saturday, not Thursday! Geez.

Although I am great fan of nekkid lezbean photos of beautiful wimmin, what we are gonna do today is another edition of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Let us sally forth…

I’ll be busy that day. While police are busy taking all you Dumbasses into custody, I’ll be on a crime spree of epic proportions.


That must have hurt like hell.


It’s about time. We love hookers here at Dumbass News. We really do. For proof, look here or here.

Maybe it’s illegal to fish for sharks where this guy lives.

It’s also time to spark up the Buffalo Wings.

Bonnie Lewinsky?

Dumbasses.

Wear a Crucifix? You Are a Gangsta!

Gangstas
Best of Dumbass News

OK, so now I am pissed. Again.

I have fucking had it with our nation’s Public Schools. Not all of them, mind you, just many of them. Included in the “many” category is the Anoka-Hennepin School District in Minnesota. AHSD, it is your turn to face the Wrath of the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. You. Have. Gone. Too. Far.

Prepare to be chewed up and spit out, ya bunch of Liberal Pussy Dumbasses.

It’s the least I can do.

Grandma, Cancer & the Rosary

There is a 15 year old young man who is a student at Coon Rapids High School in the Anoka-Hennepin School District. His name is Jake Balthazor. Jake’s grandma recently underwent breast cancer surgery. Jake loves Granny and as a show of solidarity with her in her fight against this horrific disease, Jake started wearing a Rosary to school. he does so because, in his words, “I feel safe, like she’s right here with me.”

Personally, I think this is a very touching gesture on Jake’s behalf. But the nimrods in the administartion at Coon Rapids High see things differently.

They told Jake that he can’t wear the Rosary to school. These Dumbasses said that Jake had to remove the Rosary or tuck it inside his shirt. You wanna know why?

Because, according to the admins at Coon Rapids High School ( I am not making this up), some Godless young criminal bastards have coopted the Rosary (not Jake’s Rosary specifically, but Rosaries in general) as a gang symbol!

What a Crock

I am going to pull a large section of the article I found this story in and post it here.

The excerpt from the Star Tribune in Minneapolis-St. Paul:

Balthazor, who said he doesn’t belong to a gang, had worn the beads in school uneventfully until Tuesday. He said he hadn’t known they were banned. School officials said they hadn’t known about his grandmother until learning about her in news reports.

Balthazor and his family say they feel singled out, that others have worn rosary beads without incident. District spokeswoman Mary Olson said that knowing about Balthazor’s grandmother might have changed how officials thought about things but probably wouldn’t have changed the outcome.

Sometimes, when students wear a gang symbol, she said, “someone from the opposing gang may attack them or may do something that would start a fight or something that would be a disruption in the school. So it’s really a matter of safety.” (emphasis mine – ed.)

Coon Rapids Police Chief Brad Wise said the school was “in a tough spot. If something bad had happened to that boy and the school had knowledge that he was wearing something they knew could be viewed as a gang symbol, that would be a problem for the district. They were in a no-win situation in this, and they had to make a judgment call. There will be those who disagree with it.”

Has it happened?

Chuck Samuelson is one. The executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union of Minnesota said he wondered whether any kid in Minnesota had been attacked by Latino gangs for wearing a rosary. Or, he wondered, was the rule a reaction to something that happened once, somewhere else?
Wise said he doesn’t know of a problem with Latino gangs at Coon Rapids High School, but that a problem might not be obvious. Olson also said she was unaware of such a problem in the district.
Longtime Twin Cities youth worker Sarah Klouda has worked for a decade with police and youths who identify with gangs. She said that she only recently heard of rosaries being used by gangs, but that she’s never heard of anyone being harmed because of one.

Among Roman Catholics, rosaries are a symbol sacred to the Virgin Mary. The prayer beads are carried and prayed upon but never worn.

At Sagrado Corazon de Jesus, a Spanish-speaking Catholic congregation in Minneapolis, the Rev. Vicente Miranda said he was unaware of the rosaries as a gang symbol. He also said the things of God should not be used for evil.
People who are not Catholic, he added, would not have any reason to wear a rosary around their necks.   (Note: Jake is a Lutheran)

Balthazor and his mom, Lisa Thompson, maintain his right to wear the symbol.
“Jake is a kid with a big heart,” Thompson said. “When he believes in something, he will stand up for it, and I will back him 100 percent.”

On Thursday, his grandmother was in recovery after successful surgery, Thompson said.

Balthazor wore the rosary to school again Thursday, the last day of school, with no problems. At least one friend wore one, too. He may continue to wear it next year.
“They’re getting too carried away with all the gangs and their dress code and everything; it makes me want to move now,” he said. “A lot of my friends keep on telling me to stay strong with it and just do what you think is right.”

Aloha Snackbar

I was, until a few minutes ago, unaware that some Godless Little Bastards, mostly Hispanic, had adopted Rosaries as symbols of their gang membership. Apparently, that is the case. But, I don’t give a shit whether they do or not. That’s not the point. (My guess is that any young person of Hispanic heritage {remember that about 99.99999% of Hispanics are Catholic} who uses a Rosary as a gang-related symbol would get his ass kicked by Mamacita or Abuela quicker than you can say “guacamole”.)

These criminal little cocksuckers ain’t gonna take something that has been a part of my Faith for many hundreds of years away from me. Yes. I am Catholic, so I have a dog in this hunt. But so do you non-Catholics. What are you Protestants gonna do if some kid is told that he can’t wear the fish symbol on his lapel while at school? Or the Jews? What if a Star of David pin is deemed to be verboten? Oh, wait. They already are, I’m sure. My bad. But the Dumbasses in schools all over the country appease the Muslims, so it’s all good. God knows that nobody affiliated with the Religion of Peace would use a religious artifact as a symbol of violence or what have you. Just ask Al Qaeda. They’ll tell you so.

Fuming

I am so mad right now I could spit sparks.

It infuriates me that we have pushed God so far away from a public setting, like school. Hell, when I was a kid, we recited Psalm 100 every day before class started. We pledged allegiance to the flag of the United States of America every day as well. “Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands…” indeed.

And don’t even utter the words “separation of Church and State”. Those words are NOWHERE to be found in the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States. OK, find ’em for me:  

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”  

“In God We Trust”, anyone? That’s out National Motto.

I get this sneaky feeling that the Founding Fathers didn’t want this country to be free from religion, just not members of a State Sponsored religion. The overwhelming majority of our Founding Fathers were Christian and God played a major role in their daily lives. Three of the men we think of as the Founders were Catholics who signed and were framers of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence.

I will go out on a limb here and loudly proclaim that the Protestants among our Founding Fathers were not afraid of those wily Catholics using their Rosaries as gang symbols or symbols of subversion.

It’s just the Liberal Pussies who run our Public Schools that see things that way. Screw ’em. And don’t kiss ’em.

Dumbasses.

Dead Fat Guy Rejected by Science!

Things didn’t go as well as planned for Mrs. Fearless Leader’s surgery yesterday, but thank God she is doing fine. It’s a long story I won’t go into, but suffice it to say it was an excruciating ordeal. We are all exhausted, to say the least.

She just ordered me to make her a sammich, so I guess the anesthesia has worn off.

Dammit.

Best of Dumbass News

A couple of weeks ago I wrote that all you Dumbasses had a reason to get fat. Or fatter as the case may be. That was because July was National Ice Cream Month. It’s a good thing that July ended and we are now wrapping up the first week of August. Now you can’t use ice cream as a crutch to pork up with.

I have yet another reason for you civic-minded Dumbasses to stay below three bills.

Let me splain.

Science Schmience

Down in New York a fat guy died. That’s not so unusual as fat people die every day. So do skinny folks. And those in between. When the Big Guy calls your number, there ain’t nuthin’ you can do about it, fat, skinny or medium. It’s AMF (AMF = Adios Mother Fucker)

Anyway, the Fat Guy died of a heart attack and in his will he left his body to science. Problem is, Science didn’t want it. Why? You guessed it. It was too fat! What this Dead Fat Guy’s rather obese (he weighed in at over 300lbs.) corpse ever did to Science, I don’t know. Don’t Dead Fat Guys have something to contribute to Science after they buy the farm?

I just don’t get it. Couldn’t Science dissect this Dead Fat Guy’s body like a frog in 10th grade biology class and learn something from it? Like some shit about heart disease or diabetes or Twinkies. Something! After all, the guy was nice enough to suffer a massive coronary and keel over and leave his remains to Science. What if this particular corpse held the secret to curing some currently incurable illness?

Science is an ungrateful bitch, ain’t it?

Enter Dead Fat Guy’s Family

We now know that Science turned down the Dead Fat Guy’s habeus corpus christi cum laude McDonaldus. Which is more than could be said for the Dead Fat Guy’s Faimly. Science waited a full thirteen days before giving the unwanted corpus dilecti back to the bereaved.

It is at this point that The Bereaved became The Pissed Off.

I am not a Scientist but if my memory and common sense serve me correctly, a Dead Fat Guy can become a Dead Fat Decomposed Blob after a few days, much less nearly two weeks.

Which brings out the curiosity in me.

  • If Science is so smart, how is it that it forgets to refrigerate a Dead Fat Guy while he is being turned down by Science itself? A body kept at the proper ambient temperature wouldn’t rot that fast, would it? Inquiring Dumbasses wanna know.
  • Now, if Science did indeed forget to properly preserve the remains of the Dead Fat Guy, wouldn’t it, you know, notice that he was  doing the ashes to ashes thing?
  • If not, why?
  • I don’t know.

The Pissed Off, formerly the Dead Fat Guy’s Family, was not amused to the point of filing a lawsuit against Science! Science in this case being the hospital that let the Dead Fat Guy rot to hell. To be fair, the hospital said it tried to donate the Dead Fat Guy to various Dead Fat Guy Body Snatchers but had no takers. Still, thirteen days? I think that if the Dead Fat Guy were the Alive Fat Guy and knew all this was going on, his feelings would be hurt. But he’s still AMF’ed and he doesn’t give a shit one way or the other.

Suggestion

Again, I am not a Scientist, but even a Dumbass like me knows that you don’t let a Dead Fat Guy lay around for thirteen days before returning the body to whomever. Why couldn’t these Smarty Pants Science Guys at least fake accepting the Dead Fat Guy? It seems to me that that would be much more “scientific”, not to mention a lot nicer, than giving back a decomposed Dead Fat Guy after thirteen days. Could Science have not just taken out a spleen or gizzard or something and fulfilled the Dead Fat Guy’s last wishes and saved The Pissed Off from being pissed off and filing lawsuits. This is what’s known in the vernacular as “covering your ass”. The Dead Fat Guy’s Family would have been none the wiser, still grieving over the loss of their loved one and out of court. Now, though, they are The Pissed Off and a certain medical facility has a lot of splainin’ and a lot of check writin’ to do to The Pissed Off.

It all could have been much more pleasant and diginified had Science simply sent back the Dead Fat Guy within a day or two. Postage paid, of course.

Scientifically speaking, Science is a….

…Dumbass.

More Fun-Filled Dumbass Newspaper Headlines! – Part Deux

Since we had so much fun earlier, let’s do it again!

Here’s another edition Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

I bet the cougar enjoyed that!

If you can’t beat ’em….

I bet that was real hard to do.

I’m sure the Colonel would be proud.

Does that mean wear less pink?

A true Hero!

Dumbasses.

Get more Dumbass Newspaper Headlines here!

More Fun-Filled Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

OK Dumbasses from 145 countries around the Globe it’s time once again for the blogosphere’s favorite daytime fun show “Let’s Give the Reader Brain Damage!” or as it is commonly referred to, Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Remember, these are actual newspaper headlines that somehow made it to press without being altered. In other word’s some editor was drunk, stoned, asleep or all three when these headlines got published.

In the South these kinds of people are referred to as “idjits”.

They were looking for guys with knives.

Ya don’t say!

The question is, “Whose Civil War?”

FAIL is right.

And in other news: Elvis is Still Dead.

I got nuthin.

Dumbasses.

Even more Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Dumbass Uses Blow Torch to Rid House of Spiders; Hilarity & 5 Alarm Fire Ensue

Best of Dumbass News

Since I relocated the Dumbass Dome to Maine a shade over 6 years ago, summer has become my favorite time of year. Of  course summers up here are more comparable to spring time in Texas where I grew up. The average High/Low temperatures for this day of the year are 80/60. Not too shabby, huh?

Even, however, with the mild weather this time of year, the usual pratfalls of summer are evident. High humidity, sunrise at 4:30AM and of course the annual onslaught of bugs. While not nearly as buggy as Texas or other parts of the country during the summer, we still get our fair share of insects here in New England. Just like they do in Chico, Cal-ee-forn-ya.

Chico also has an abundance of Summer Time Dumbasses (STDs). Like Eiliya Maida.

Arachnid Assault

Normally, when a horde of bugs invade a home, The Orkin Guy is just a phone call away. On the other hand, some people take ridding their homes of insects into their own hands. Rather than call a professional exterminator, the Big E decided to save a few bucks and clear out a shit load of spiders that had made his casa their casa.

He should have called The Orkin Guy.

Let me splain.

Pest Control by Eiliya

OK, so these spiders pitched camp at Big E’s pad and something had to be done about the situation. Enter the blow torch. And hilarity.

Big E grabbed his trusty spider killin’ blow torch and accompanying propane when he went about the house blasting spiders with lethal precision. Until he got too close to some dried out plants. This is where hilarity and the obligatory house fire enter.

The thing is that E never saw it coming. Unbeknownst to him the plants ignited and begin to smolder which in turn set the the house ablaze! E went around to the front of the house to continue his arachnid eradication with the flame thrower completely unaware of the pending doom. His brother in law, however, saw smoke coming up from the house where E had just been bbq-ing bugs.

Five fire engines, one firetruck, an ambulance, a few volunteer firefighters and 25 Large (that’s $25,000 for all of you Yoopers, and you know who you are) in in damage later, the fire was extinguished.

Questions

***Spider Men***

Naturally, I have a couple of questions that need, nay, demand answers!

  • First and most importantly, does Big E’s Home Owner’s insurance coverage carry a “Dumbass Clause” and if so, where can I get one? That’s a query I’ll have to ask my long time friend in Texas, Clay Money. Clay is a State Farm Agent down in Midlothian. Like a good neighbor State Farm Agent Clay Money is there. 🙂 Clay, leave me a message on Facebook  about the “Dumbass Clause” inquiry. Thanks, amigo.
  • Next question, or as the Morons at Ace of Spades HQ, one of the best blogs on the Triple Dub (www.) with the smartest and funniest commenters (Morons) any where, say FYNQ . That’s pronounced “fink” and stands for “fuck you next question”. After writing that glowing review of the HQ and the Morons, I forgot the FYNQ. But it was a good one, dammit!

Before I get done here and head up to bed (it’s10:45 PM, 7/11/2012) trying like hell, and failing miserably, to remember what the FYNQ was, I will ask the post-FYNQ FYNQ of The Big E: haven’t you ever heard of using a broom to remove spider webs and then stomping the little bastards into fuzzy spots on the ground?

FYNQ.

Dumbass.

***Image from chicoer.com***