Dumbass Newspaper Headlines have long been a staple of this blog. And by”staple” I naturally mean “I have no idea what to write about, so copy and paste somebody else’s stuff”. For today I will not only
semi-plagiarize make fair use of material found on BuzzFeed, but will use material they lifted from several other sources! Or as I like to call it, “Material Mimicking Monday”!
Today’s Dumbass Topic? Dumbass Newspaper Layouts! This fun-filled Dumbassery features newspaper headlines not-so-strategically placed in close proximity to another feature in the newspaper that when viewed collectively create much hilarity.
When reading the headline and looking at the photo simultaneously, we could get the impression that Prince William beats Kate Middleton. We know that it is highly unlikely that His Majesty stomps a mudhole in his lovely bride. Unless they are playing a nice game of “Naughty Catholic School Girl”. This, too is not likely to happen because the Prince is a Protestant and everyone knows that Protestants do not have fun in the boudoir. Hell, Babtists, and Church of Englanders, won’t even make love standing up for fear that somebody will accuse them of dancing. I’m just sayin’.
Now that you’ve got the picture…..
Let the stealing begin!
|Look Out, Bonnie and Clyde!|
|Quick! Everybody to the other side of the ship!|
What a phrenzy of photographic phun and phrivolity!
Be sure to click on over to BuzzFeed, they’ve got at least twenty more screenshots of this bullshit. It’s pretty funny stuff.
OK….here’s one for the road….
Here’s a Dumbass Easter Story I wrote just after Easter Sunday last year.
Christians and Jews, just a couple of days ago, celebrated the Holiest Days of the Year in their respective religions – Easter for the followers of Jesus and the Passover for the celebrants of Judaism. Of course, remembering the triumph of God over sin reflects only the religious side of the Easter/Passover story.
To many people these days, Easter is simply a day for the kids to dress up in their Sunday-Go-To-Meetin’ finery, even if they don’t go to Sunday Meetin’, and hunting all the colorful eggs left behind by chickens who were raised on LSD or some really good ‘shrooms. But, I digress.
I must confess, no Catholic pun intended, that I have never met The Messiah face to face. I’ve never met Jesus either, although I do recognize Him as the Son of Man and the Founder of the Church that we know today as the Catholic Church. However, I am not here to do a post on my (or your) religious beliefs.
I am here to show you how some “Christians” choose to “celebrate” these Holiest of Days.
Take this family in Memphis, Tennessee. Please!!!
Mayhem in the Blues City
Like millions of Christians worldwide, Annette Pearson was celebrating the holiday with some guests, another family. Annette had carefully hidden Easter eggs around her yard to be just difficult enough to find that the children present would be a bit challenged to find them. So far, so good.
But! You just knew that a big ass BUT! was about to rear its ugly head. This is, after all, Dumbass
One of the eggs that Annette had hidden was a “Grand Prize Golden Egg!” In it was $7! Seven dollars!? Are you kiddin’ me? A young crack head in Memphis can’t even buy a decent-size rock for seven bucks. seven big ones was evidently some serious cheese to one of Annette’s Easter guests from the other family, as he rather vociferously objected to what he thought was Annette helping her own kids to locate the Grand Prize Golden Egg with the $7 in it. This dumbass got so mad that the slapped Annette upside the head! Not just once, but twice!
This is when the real fun started.
What Would Jesus Do?
WWJD is not a question that entered Annette’s freshly slapped head. Upon being assaulted over a $7 Grand Prize Golden Egg, she went inside her house and grabbed $25 Balck & Decker Claw Hammer.
The dumbass that smacked Annette on her skull soon found out that it didn’t matter what Jesus would do, it only mattered that Annette clobbered him upside his own head with the claw end of the hammer! The man was now bleeding like a stuck pig headed for the rotisserie at a Memphis BBQ Joint.
Did I note that the other family soon joined in on the brawl? They did. More mayhem ensued. Assholes, elbows and ball peen hammers were everywhere! No mention of the $25 B & D Claw Hammer at this point. There is a mention of the arrival of the Memphis Police Department, however.
Sadly, the dumbass who wailed away on Annette’s noggin was not arrested, but his wound did require four staples to close. Annette, on the other hand, was hauled off for $25 Black & Decker Claw Hammer Assault and is now enjoying the hospitality of the Shelby County Inmate Easter Club, headed up by janet Reno lookalike inmate, Julie “Spike” Snodgrass.
Happy Easter, Annette!
Best of Dumbass News
At last count, Dumbass News was being read by
idiots nice folks in 157 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don’t remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.
So now, New Zealand, it’s your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!
You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.
On the surface this story appears to be a fairly routine drunk driving story. But if you dig a little deeper, you get the details that qualify this tale as a bit, shall we say, “unique”? No we shall not say “unique”, we shall say stoopid as fuck.
Not only did the Dumbass in Question, 26 year old Ryan Scott Thompson of Christchurch, get wasted and drive an automobile, he drove said automobile into an old woman’s house scaring the poor lady out of her wits. Luckily there were some neighbors who witnessed the accident and were able to come to the aid of the Little Old Lady and subdue the suspect until the cops got to the scene.
The New Zealand Herald picks up the story from there, “Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into Dawn Sanders’ living room where she had been sitting moments earlier just after 10pm on July 23.
He pleaded guilty to all charges at his first appearance in the district court and was fined and ordered to pay $1500 in “emotional harm” reparation to Mrs Sanders
Neighbours who rushed to Mrs Sanders’ aid detained the grossly intoxicated but uninjured Thompson until police arrived.
Police said he was unable to walk unaided or coherently answer questions.
After Thompson recorded a breath-alcohol reading of 1137mcg/L (Ed.- which means “drunk as fuck” in the American version) at the police station, a police officer was completing paperwork when he heard the sound of running water, according to the summary of facts.”
That sound of running water? Thompson was caught pissing on the breathalyzer tubes at the police station! Now, to my way of thinking, taking a leak anywhere but in the Toilet at the Cop Shop precludes any claim of innocence or police misconduct. In other words, you have been busted, Dumbass! The Herald adds, “The 301 contaminated tubes had to be destroyed. (Ed.- Ya think?!)
Thompson admitted drinking and driving but was unable to offer any explanation. He was taken to Christchurch for detoxification.
Judge Graham Hubble disqualified Thompson from driving for nine months on the excess breath-alcohol charge and a concurrent three months on the careless use count.
He was fined $200 for wilful damage.”
Questions and Comments Abound
- “Disqualified from driving” for nine months? WTF? The guy blew a “drunk as fuck” on the Breathalyzer for Christchurch’s sake! He ought to be disqualified from doing anything but nine months of Kiwi Prison Bitchery. In a homo prison.
- Aside form the fact that the Dumbass crashed into a house, the dude nearly killed a Little Old Lady in the process, and he gets fined $1500? You’re kidding, right, Judge Hubble? Right?
- The Kiwis ain’t nearly as Bad Ass as the Aussies.
- The “sound of running water” is too fucking funny.
- Pissin’ on the Drunk Detectors is also too fucking funny.
So, my dear Kiwi Dumbasses, you may now bask in your moment of glory. You have officially made it to Big Time when you have made it to Dumbass News. And when I say “Big Time” I mean you have hit rock bottom.
For your self-esteem and emotional well-being (and the fact that Judge Hubble still has a job) you should do your penance by donating a large sum of money through the PayPal Donate Button in the right sidebar to Dumbass News. I’ll fly down and have a nice long talk with Judge Hubble. Over a couple of beers of course.
I know it would make me feel better. And “drunk as fuck”.
Disclaimer: I am not an economist. I am a Dumbass.
Having said that, being a Dumbass does not mean one is stoopid. On the other hand, being a Dumbass doesn’t necessarily preclude one from being stoopid. Unless of course one is speaking of the Federal Gubmint. But I digress.
Back to the economist thing…I am not formally trained in the field of economics. I am, however, well versed in the field of poverty. For example, I have a budget of “x” number of dollars each month. I gotta make do with “x” number of greenbacks or face the consequences. If I only have “x” dollars to work with, but I actually spend “x + 1” dollars, I have Officially Gone Into Debt. This is not a good thing. Since I have gone over my budget by a dollar, I have to either work to make a dollar to replace it or I have to cut back by a dollar on something else.
Pretty easy to understand, right?
Not if you are the Gubmint of the United States of America.
Let me splain.
Economy in the Crapper
I am not alone in not being a learned economist. There are at least 535 others just like me. And they all walk the Halls of Congress in Washington, DC. These men and women, elected by the people of our Representative Republic, have put this country in debt by over sixteen trillion dollars.
***For Other Exciting Ways the Gubmint spends YOUR money, here’s a list of mind blowing ways your taxes get flushed from The Political Commentator***
Note to New Dumbasses: There’s not much we won’t cover here at Dumbass News. Dumbasses of any shape, size, color, nationality, sexual persuasion or gender will be vilified to the High Heavens, provided of course that vilification is necessary to the plot.
The only off limits topics will be the Dumbassification of my Mother, the Pope and My Favorite Protestant, the Reverend Billy Graham.
Your mother? Fair game. The Dolly Llama? In the Dumbass Cross Hairs. The “Reverends” Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton? Screw ’em.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…
Today’s story has a familiar ring to it – Dumbasses and fire.
We have, on several occasions, brought to your attention incidents where the interaction of Dumbasses with open flames have been met with, shall we say, unpleasantness. No, we shall not. We shall say “disaster”.
Remember the guy who set a parade float aflame?
How about the couple that went ape shit and attacked a car with a flaming tampon!
Then there’s the one where the guy was trying to get rid of a nest of spiders with a blowtorch! He got rid of the spiders alright. He also got rid of his house. This story is a perfect segue into the Dumbassery that lies ahead….
The Snake and the Dumbass
A Lady Dumbass down in Liberty Eylau, Texas was doing a little spring cleaning around her property when she made a startling discovery – a snake! Running across a snake while living in rural Texas happens all the time. What makes this story so unusual is how the Lady Dumbass reacted to the situation.
When all the sudden coming face to face with a snake, most Texans I know would do one of two things:
- Grab a shovel, garden hoe or some other equally lethal farming implement, and beat the scaly serpent repeatedly until he was graveyard dead.
- The more commonly used method in dealing with a venomous viper is utilize something along the lines of a 12 gauge shotgun and blast that motherfucker to smithereens.
Then there’s the Dumbass Way.
Gasoline and a match.
Yes, the Lady Dumbass went Full Tilt Boogie Dumb Fuck and poured 87 octane gasoline on the snake and then pitched a match on it. While this would ordinarily be a very effective, if not stoopid, method of sending an unwanted snake to his Maker, a snake that has been turned into a writhing mass of flame tends to be what many would say is “unpredictable”. Many would be correct.
This particular Snake Flambe headed straight for some underbrush.
The Scientific Method clearly states that “a snake that has been set afire by a Lady Dumbass will, proportional to the level of pain while burning like a marshmallow over a camp fire, seek refuge in the nearest pile of dry kindling”. This is what is known as “starting a brush fire”. And a house fire. Make that two house fires. A neighboring home was also damaged in the conflagration.
Liberty Eylau Fire Chief David Wesslehoft said (I swear in the Name of All That is Holy I ain’t makin’ this up) that “it’s not unusual for burning animals to start a fire.”
I have nothing further to add.
***Image from okcfox.com***
The Gubmint of the United States of America is a big bidness. And like thousands of other bidnesses around the country, they contract out many services to non-gubmintal entities. For instance, it is not uncommon for a company to contract out for janitorial and cleaning services. In one of the few things it does right, the Federal Gubmint does exactly that, outsources jobs that are better served by private bidnesses.
|Cadets at West Point|
An example of this job outsourcing is evident at the United States Military Academy at West Point, New York.
One of the many non-gubmintal entities employed by The Academy is a company named Watson Services. Watson provides, among other things, food services at West Point.
Enter The Meatballs
Estelle Casimir has been employed by Watson Services for 28 years, by all accounts a loyal and productive employee.
Until she came across The Meatballs.
You see, Estelle’s primary responsibilities at West Point lie in the Housekeeping Department. In the Housekeeping Department there are no specified duties in the Official Watson Services Housekeeping Department Employee Manual relating to meatballs.
As you may have surmised by now, The Meatballs play a large role in today’s story.
It was a normal day the day that The Meatballs came into Estelle Casimir’s life. That day ceased to be normal the moment West Point Authorities found Estelle in an area on campus that did not relate to her duties as a housekeeper. This does not bode well for Estelle. But wait! Things are about to take a dramatic turn.
Not only was Estelle in area that had nothing to do with her work assignment, she was found to be in possession of The Meatballs! Normally, this would not be such a big deal, but it is alleged that Estelle stole The Meatballs from the campus Mess Hall! Again seemingly no biggie. Reprimand or terminate the offender. Right?
These were no run of the mill meatballs. These meatballs were Property of the United States Army, hence, Property of the United States Gubmint! Stealing something from the Gubmint of the United States of America is a very large no-no. Unless of course you are an Elected Official, then you have carte blanche to steal away, meatballs included.
To be fair, Estelle denies any wrongdoing in this matter, but the Federal Gubmint stands by its assertions. Nonetheless, Estelle Casimir faces a $1000 fine and/or a year in a Federal Stockade!
She’s been suspended from her position at Watson Services and has been unsuccessfully looking for housekeeping work.
And more meatballs.
Once upon a time Fearless Leader was a Professional Drinker. As with all good things, this, too, came to an end.
Since You Asked
- No I did not waste my time on 12 Step Program.
- I went through a One Step Program.
- Cold Turkey.
- Over 3 years ago.
- I was not an alcoholic.
- Alcoholics go to meetings.
- I was a Drunk.
- No meetings required.
- Mrs. Fearless Leader threatened to throw me out on my sorry ass if I didn’t stop boozin’.
- She meant it.
- That was my One Step Program.
- No. Alcohol has not crossed my lips since then.
Now, “why”, you must be asking yourself, “would Fearless Leader give us a glimpse into a very private and personal part of his life?”
In spite of my best efforts to leave some kind of “I’m Not an Alcoholic, I’m a ‘Drunk’ Legacy”, all I left behind was a million or two empty beer bottles, a not uneasy task, but nonetheless not nearly as historic as what a guy in Pennsylvania accomplished.
Here is the story of John W. Saunders, mansion caretaker, and The Case(s) of Missing Whiskey:
***Image from triblive.com***