Category: Stupid

Chick w/Duct Taped Boobs Attacks 3 Cops!

Milestone: Some time yesterday morning Dumbass News topped the 100,000 page view barrier! One. Hundred. Thousand. That’s got a nice ring to it. I can’t begin to express my sincerest thanks to each of you for time and support. There were times when I wasn’t sure that we’d make it to a thousand, much less 100K.

I am humbled and grateful.

Thank you.

Fearless Leader

Best of Dumbass News

You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. “This shit” being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we’re talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.

Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It’s Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.

I. Ain’t. Happy.

A Night on the Town

A woman whose name we do not know but we’ll call “MoonBeam” had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.

MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.

Enter the Duct Tape

MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, “Bitch, leave the club now!”, but not in those exact words.  MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.

The cops were called.

The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies’ Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I’m looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies’ Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.

MoonBeam was not amused.

More Fun!

It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam “freaked out”. By “freaked out” I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle’s Finest. Further, by “kicked the shit out of”, I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!

There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam’s hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.

Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin’ she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men’s or a women’s prison.  

Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there’s a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.

Duct Tape not included.

Dumbass.

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Shopping for Fathers Day: Dumbass Dads Day Doo Hickeys

With Fathers Day looming, it’s time for our 1st Annual Fathers Day Gifts Only a Dumbass Would Buy Extravaganza! We ran a similar feature for Mothers Day in May and that post undoubtedly save the asses of Dumbasses all over the United States. In case you missed the Mothers Day Do Not Buy List just click the link above and take a gander at some of the most God awful gifts in the history of gift giving.

Go see what I am talking about and I’ll wait here for you.

A Suction-Powered Lip Plumper? The sad thing is that people will actually buy that shit. I won’t even go into what Dear Old Dad could plump up with that thing, but I guarantee you it won’t be his lips.

Dad’s Turn in the Dumbass Gift Line

I am going to list some of the crap available for your Dads Day present purchases and you can use your own judgement as to the suitability of any individual item for your Father. I must say that if you hate your Old Man then this gift list is tailor-made for you.

OK, you bunch of Sons of Motherless Dumbasses, let’s go shopping for Dad!

Dumbass Doo Hickeys for Dad

    We begin our lesson in what not to purchase for your Daddy on his special day with a real dandy idea. How about the fabulous Daddy Diaper Toolbox! This little beauty can be found at GiftsForDadToBe.com. Straight from the GiftsForDadToBe website we discover that the DDT (a perfect if I’ve ever seen one), has the following attractive features:

      • Goggles – protection against projectiles
      • Mask – toxic fume filter for when it doesn’t smell like roses
      • Protective Poop Poncho – need we say more???
      • Tongs – provides several inches of steel separation
      • Turkey Baster – for precision hiney washing
      • Ear/Nose Plugs – use with care
      • Pacifier – scream plug
      • Baby Wipes – for cleaning baby bottom
      • Diaper for Newborn – cute as a kitten until it gets wet
      • Bio Hazard Bag and Rubber Gloves – for quarantine containment
      • Emergency Formula Container – doubles as a peepee cover
      • Hand Wipes – to clean up afterwards
      • Picture Frame – badge of honor

      Let me tell you, Dumbass Horde, that at first I was a bit skeptical of the Daddy Diaper Toolbox, but I have seen the light! My initial thought was that any Dad worth his WD-40 would want to open a toolbox and see, oh, I don’t know, tools maybe? Craftsman, Mac or Snap On. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. But! Once I found out that the DDT comes equipped with a set of tongs for “several inches of steel separation” AND a nifty turkey baster “for precision hiney washing”, I became a believer! Can I get an “Amen” from the Dumbass Horde!!??

      Now that the Daddy Diaper Toolbox has my full and undivided attention, I am enthralled and curious as to what other magnificent Fathers Day goodies are out there. Let’s explore together, shall we?

      More Crapola  

      Being from Texas and all, I personally know dozens of cowboys. And I can not think of one of them that would wouldn’t enjoy a life size horse lamp!

      This masterpiece is an item for sale at Olighting.com for a mere $7981.00! Dad is sure to treasure it for at least ten minutes!

      My Texas roots again steer (pun intended) me to this Western Themed artifact:

      The Steer Skull Toilet Seat! Every Man Cave should have one. You can get your Dad one today at Overstock.com for only $41.49. I. Must. Have. One. Of. These!


      Even More Dumbass Fathers Day Gifts!

      These prized possessions are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg when it comes to outstanding Dumbass Dads Day Doo Hickeys. If you’d like to be further amazed at what passes for a present for a special occasion like Fathers Day, click on over to the HuffingtonPuffingtonPost for more exciting merchandise that will make Dad throw up like he drank cheap Tequila.

      You won’t be sorry. You’ll be dumbfounded and nauseous and you’ll laugh your ass off, but you won’t be sorry.

      And Dad will love the gift. Maybe. Or not.

      Dumbass.

      Dead Killer Becomes Lunch for Live Bear

      Karma. Is. A. Bitch.

      What goes around comes around has never proven to be more true than the example of which you are about to learn. Well, perhaps it could have been a bit more poetic, but not too damn much more.

      “Did Someone Say Lunch?”

      Bear with me, Dumbasses. 

      Rory Wagner – Murderer

      Rory Wagner was a convicted murderer. He was found guilty, along with two other guys, of murder in the 1994 killing of a man whom Wagner and the two accomplices believed sexually assaulted a member of Wagner’s family. To be fair, Wags served out his sentence, thus satisfying his debt to Society, but this story still reeks of Justice delayed.

      Waggy Poo lived in an “approved facility” in Kamloops, British Columbia after he was released from The Big House and was on Life Parole. He was also gainfully employed.

      He is now gainfully deceased. Dead. As. A. Door. Nail.

      The cause of Wagner’s death remains a bit of a mystery, but his remains are no longer a mystery.

      Confused?

      Read on to be edified.

      Edification

      Wagner had some cheap ass job some place and one day he told his employers that he wouldn’t be at work for a few days. “A few days” turned out to be “never”. You see, Wags took a little drive into the woods near Kamloops and died. Right there in his car. Nobody is sure why and how he keeled over as autopsy findings are still ongoing.

      When he failed to show up at home after his trek into the forest, authorities were notified and an arrest warrant was issued for Rory Wagner. Of course, with him being dead and all, cops didn’t know where to turn. That is until some hunters found Wagner’s remains. But the hunters were not the first to spot Wags’ body. A black bear beat them to it.

      The bear had dragged the body to his (the bear’s) supper table. Ate the corpse for din din. Mind you, I am not reveling in Mr. Wagner’s demise, I am, however, laughing like a sonuvabitch at the irony of the situation. Think about it. It’s not every day that a convicted killer meets with such an unceremonious departure from this Veil of Tears. Well, maybe it happens a lot in British Columbia, but not so much here in Maine. If a dead murderer is found in the woods here, he’s found in the bear’s shit, not the bear’s belly. Mainers hide dead murderers real good. Ya feel me?

      Adios, Senor Oso 

      That’s a little Meskin lingo there that means “Goodbye, Mr. Bear”. The Wildlife Guys in B.C. identified a specific bear as the one who had consumed the leftovers of Rory Wagner and euthanized it. “Euthanized” is of course a euphemism for “blew his shit away”. The Canuckistani Wildlife Guys did some tests and determined that this bear was indeed the one that had eaten Waggy Poo.

      So now we have a dead killer, at least part of a dead killer and a dead bear who ate the dead killer. What to do?

      I say they feed the dead bear who ate the dead killer to live killers who in turn can be released into the woods surrounding Kamloops. British Columbia, die mysteriously and become dead killers who then become bear food, thus creating a perfect circle of a food chain.

      Damn! I am a fucking genius!

      You got a better idea?

      Dumbass.

      Lady Wants to Get Married, Become American; Beats the Hell Out of Boyfriend Instead

      Lookin’ for Love

      I am an America and damned proud to be one. I love this country more than everything but God and Family. Evidently there are millions of others around the world who love the good ole USA also. While hundreds of thousands go through the immigration system to become American citizens, others try, and many succeed, in entering the country illegally. Then are the lucky foreign nationals who are already here and trying like hell to stay here. These people realize that we’ve got it pretty good.

      Sometimes immigrants use nefarious ways to gain American Citizenship. Like marriages of convenience – marrying an American citizen in order to not be deported.

      Did somebody out there say “Dumbass”?

      Well, it just so happens……


      Wanting a New VISA (and I Don’t Mean Credit Card)

      Nikoleta Karoly is a foreigner with a just-about-to-expire-VISA. She desperately wants to stay in the United States. She is so adamant about staying here that she was willing to marry her boyfriend so she would not be sent back to her country of origin, which no doubt is some Communist Hellhole. Like Massivetwoshits.

      There was, however, one teensy weensy hitch in Niki’s plan to marry her beau and remain in the US. The groom-to-be did not want to be a groom. No matter how you view this situation, this minute detail throws a monkey wrench into Niki’s plan. Another small detail not to be overlooked is the fact that Nikoleta is now a felon.

      Well, somebody sure pissed in her Cheerios, didn’t they?

      Wedding Bell Blues

      Upon being told that The Guy did not want to marry her, thereby blowing her immediate chances of not being deported, Niki became a bit upset. And by a “bit upset”, I mean she beat the shit out of her boyfriend. Yep, nothing says “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, you American pig” like a good ole country ass kickin’.

      According to the American Pig Boyfriend, this was not the first time that Niki was violent towards him because he was hesitant to marry her. I, for one, am all about a serious “come to Jesus” meeting when it’s necessary to the plot, but this is not the method best-suited for encouraging one’s lover into the Holy bond of matrimony.

      But, then again, I am a Dumbass. What do I know?

      What I Know

      I know that:

      • Nikoleta Karoly is now in the Collier County (FLA) Jail.
      • Nikoleta Karoly may well spend some time in a nice comfy Florida State Prison.
      • Nikoleta Karoly will not become an American citizen.
      • Nikoleta Karoly’s boyfriend is a pussy for letting a woman beat his ass.

      And…..

      • Nikoleta Karoly will not be getting married to an American Pig any time soon. Unless it’s to a fellow inmate at an FLA Women’s Correctional Facility whose nickname is “Spike” who is also in The Slammer for beating the shit out of her boyfriend.

      Dumbass.

      Cow Sex Is a Sign of the Apocalypse!

      Sign of The End of Time

      VERY URGENT APOCALYPSE ALERT!  

      The End is nigh! 

      First of all, I’d like to ask you all to remain as calm as possible. This type of situation comes along only once in a civilization’s history, but the need to remain clear-headed and rational about the looming End of the World is paramount to dying with the knowledge that the Almighty is calling His people Home.

      You may be asking yourself, “Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, how do you know that the End Time is near when the prophecies in the Book of Revelations haven’t been fulfilled yet?” That is a very logical and pertinent question. And I have a very logical and well thought out answer.

      I know The End is here because….please ask any children in the room to leave at this time. What you about to read will make you wish you had lived a more virtuous life. Your place in Eternity has been determined, but it’s not too late to find Jesus. I highly recommend that you find the Messiah ASAP, you ain’t got much time, Dumbass.

      How I Know The End is Upon Us 

      Fellow Dumbasses, I am not a Prophet nor a soothsayer, I am merely your humble Fearless Leader. You must understand before we all perish, that I would never deliberately lead you astray nor would I purposely cause panic in the streets of the 136 countries around the world that read Dumbass News without rock-solid proof. What I am about to reveal will undoubtedly be of historical proportions.

      The End of the World is happening as we speak because….God help us all…because cattle are going crazy! You read that right. The End is here because the behavior of cattle is telling us so! You must be thinking that I am a nut at this point. But I am not a nut nor an alarmist. I am a man of Science and evidence and all the Science and evidence points to The Apocalypse.

      Rock-Solid Proof

      Remember a couple of days ago when I wrote of the cattle in Massivetwoshits that went berserk and crashed a neighborhood party and drank all the beer? That event was just a warning sign to us that Doom was inevitable. Today’s story is the confirmation of that impending Doom.

      Don’t believe me? Just read on and you’ll start confessing your sins like Barrack Obama blames George W. Bush.

      The Cattle Menace has spread to Pennsylvania, thus verifying what I had feared.

      The sign of The End of Time took place at an intersection of two rural highways near Kittanning, PA. Traffic was backed up for miles as drivers from all over the area rubbernecked and bottlenecked at the sight of two, you guessed it, cattle doing the Dirty Deed right in the middle of the road! Yes, Fellow Dumbasses, cows were humping like rabbits in the middle of the highway causing widespread panic amongst Kittanning, Pennsylvania area residents! OK, well maybe “widespread panic” is a bit hyperbolic, but the Cow Sex did cause a traffic jam. By the way, a traffic jam in Kittanning means that both cars registered in the town were at the same place at the same time.

      Local authorities tried mightily to “disengage” the cows, but it ain’t easy persuading a 2000 pound bull that having Mad Monkey Cow Sex in the middle of a busy highway intersection is a bad idea. So, the cops just let Nature take its course. No word if the cows were married or if this was just a Mad Monkey Cow Sex Liaison, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

      The two cows finished their bidness then were rounded up and taken to a nearby farm until the rightful owner could be notified.

      All’s Well

      I, as your Fearless Leader, urge you to keep an eye out for any type of unusual behavior by cattle in your location. If you see such bovine shenanigans, report them immediately to your local law enforcement community!

      If Armageddon is here, I’m sure that we’ll need an eyeball witness to corroborate the story.

      On the other hand, maybe it’s just two horny cows out to “block a little traffic”.

      Dumbasses.

      Dumbass "Vacation Sex" Getaways! Let Me Book Your Trip!

      Survey Says…..!

      One of my favorite sayings, and I am big on sayings, is that life is like comedy – it’s all in the timing. Well, slap me down and call me shorty (another saying I like) if blogging ain’t like comedy too. The timing part that is.

      Let me splain.

      I got today’s story in my email yesterday and, lo and behold if I didn’t start up a new blog yesterday too. The story for today is about vacations and sex and my new web site is about vacations and sex! Well, the new blog, The Lower 48 (Plus 2), is actually about vacations, but I suppose that you could have some really good Mad Monkey Sex at some of the places I feature on the site. But, I digress.

      “Gettin’ Some” on Vacation

      Zoosk.com, the romantic social site, which is another way to say “a get laid site”, recently conducted a survey of 1529 adults ages 18-49 on the subject of romantic vacations. Seventy-four per cent of the respondents said that the nooky while on a romantic getaway was better than gettin’ porked at home. Normally, I would call bullshit and make fun of Zoosk.com, but not this time. I’ll make fun of Zoosk.com later in the story. 🙂

      I don’t disagree with the findings of this survey for one main reason – routine. Couples who have sex at home on a regular basis tend to slip into a routine that is more or less habitual. So I read anyway. (That’s not true for me of course because I am a StudMuffin and Fearless Mad Monkey Sex With Mrs. Fearless Leader Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Enough said.) Whereas while being on vacation in a new, exciting, exotic locale is almost certain to crank up the ole Horny Meter in both men and wimmin. It just makes sense. To me anyway.

      I’ll have to confer with Mrs. Fearless Leader about her thoughts on the subject.

      Here’s the Rub

      My problem with this survey is where the answerers considered the best places away from home to bump uglies.

      Here’s what I mean:

      • 22% said the beach was the most romantic place to spend a vacation. 
      • 15% replied that a romantic city was the deal for them.
      • Another 15% said some far-flung locale got them all worked up.
      • 9% of the 1529 Dumbasses in this survey thought that staying at a Bed & Breakfast was very romantic.
      • 8% (EIGHT PER CENT!) felt that a road trip was the way to go and…
      • 5% wanted to go camping for a romantic interlude.

      What. The. Fuck.?


      Here’s What I Think: (in the same order as the results above)

      • I don’t like sand on my nether regions
      • What constitutes a “romantic city”? One with no bowling alley?
      • Far-flung? Like Nebraska?
      • The only way this can be true is if a couple is engaging in a little “offensive driving”, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
      • Are you kiddin’? I prefer that guests in the other rooms do not ear-witness the goings on of Fearless Leader Mad Monkey Sex.
      • No damn way. What’s worse than sand “down there”? Ticks “down there”, that’s what!

      Dumbasses.

      Chick w/ Duct Taped Boobs Beats Up Three Cops!

      West Coast Fashion Accessory

      You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. “This shit” being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we’re talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.

      Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It’s Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.

      I. Ain’t. Happy.

      A Night on the Town

      A woman whose name we do not know but we’ll call “MoonBeam” had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.

      MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.


      Enter the Duct Tape 

      MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, “Bitch, leave the club now!”, but not in those exact words.  MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.

      The cops were called.

      The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies’ Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I’m looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies’ Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.

      MoonBeam was not amused.

      More Fun! 

      It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam “freaked out”. By “freaked out” I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle’s Finest. Further, by “kicked the shit out of”, I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!

      There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam’s hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.

      Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin’ she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men’s or a women’s prison.  

      Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there’s a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.

      Duct Tape not included.

      Dumbass.