|Guillermo, Taco Bell Employee of the Month, May, 2012|
Writing a new Dumbass News post for a Saturday morning is something I do only when something good comes along or it is necessary to the plot. Today’s rare Sabbath Day foray into the World of Dumbassery is, believe it or not, both something good and necessary to the plot.
Please allow me to further edify the Dumbass Horde. For those of you who went to Public Schools, meaning those of you who went to Public Schools and didn’t stay past the third grade, to “further edify” means “Let me splain.” I specifically mention the drooling products of our Public Education System (read: Liberal Pussy Gubmint-run Indoctrination Facilities) because any Dumbass who attended a private or parochial school and doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “edify” either didn’t pay attention in class or is just too damn stoopid to do anything on his own. With the obvious exception of breathing. Even though breathing, however, requires no conscious effort because it is what educators call an “involuntary reflex”. “Involuntary reflex” can best be defined as “even the stoopidest of Dumbasses can do it without having to think about it.” Kind of like the Federal Gubmint at work.
Good and Necessary to the Plot
Today’s subject matter is good for the simple fact that it contains the most essential element needed in order to write a Dumbass News post. That of course would be a Dumbass. Our story is further enhanced by the added fact that it takes place at a Taco Bell. Any tale that includes a Dumbass and a Taco Bell is what baseball aficionados would say is “in our wheel house”. Plus, today is Stinko de Mayo!
Plus, today is
Stinko Cinco de Mayo! There’s nothing more authentic than celebrating Meskin Independence Day with a shit load of Authentic Meskin Food from your local Taco Bell!
Except for two things.
- As much as it pains me to reveal this to you, Taco Bell, despite popular stoned young people opinion, is NOT authentic Meskin Food.
- And Cinco de Mayo is not a big holiday in Mexico nor is it Meskin Independence Day. I am not gonna go into it here, but trust me on this one, amigos. Meskin Independence Day is the same day as my birthday, September 16th.
- Cinco de Mayo is a stroke of marketing genius by some pale skinned gringo who couldn’t spell “taco” if you spotted him the “t”, “c” and “o”. And all you stoopid white people fell for it! bwahahahahahaha
The “necessary to the plot” means because I say it is so. That’s that.
I must admit at this point that, unlike most days when the simple acts of ridiculing and demeaning some poor schlub would bring me great joy (and a few page hits), I have a hidden agenda that I feel compelled to share with you regarding this
waste of time and pixels, story. A confession, if you will. BTW, hidden agendas and confessions are also good for a few extra clicks. I am after all, not just a brilliant and ahead-of-my-time Dumbass satirist, I am above all, a capitalist. It’s all about the cheese, baby.
Speaking of Cheese (A Confession)
The actual confession I have to offer you isn’t earth-shattering at all. by coaxing you into reading further into the story, I used what we literary geniuses call a “hook”. You took the metaphorical bait and I set the “hook”. Got it? Now keep reading, Dumbass.
Upon reading about the Dumbass and Taco Bell, I immediately thought of a new Blog friend of mine – Drive Thru Guy. DTG, as his very close blog friends call him, has been blogging for only a few weeks and already has quite a following. Aside from his family, his other two readers are very excited about the possibilities for blogging success for DTG and his soap box. Oh, yeah. We also call him DTG because it gets real old real quick typing “Drive Thru Guy” over and over again. In addition to that, “DTG” has a feel of familiarity and friendship to it, don’t you think? ‘the handle “DTH” has stuck for another very good reason – we don’t know DTG’s real name! I do know that he lives in an Eastern Canadian Province and works in the Fast Food Industry. Hence “Drive Thru Guy”. It may be best that we don’t know DTG’s given name anyway. It’s prolly some “manly” Canuckistanian name like “Ian” or “Pierre”or “Eh”. Gimme a fucking break, I am sticking with” DTG”.
“IanPierreEh”, Drive Thru Guy, this post is for you, mon ami. <—A little Canuckistanian lingo there.
The Dumbass and the Run for the Border Order
What started off as a “normal” day at a Gainesville, Florida Taco Bell ended up being a day for the record books. the Police Record Books.
Suresh Chapman, a manly Canuckistanian name if I ever heard one (and I have never heard one), like many residents of this town that is home to the University of Florida, was felling the effects of having smoked a blunt, so he reflexively thought outside the bun and made a run for the border. There’s something about a blunt, manually assembled with the finest Colombian “tobacco,” that screams Taco Bell. So I am told. coughbullshitcough
So Suresh the Guy with the Manly Canuckistanian Name went to Taco Bell, ordered 37 Burrito Supremes but only 31of them were to have been made with sour cream on them! Keep in mind that Suresh, he of the manly Canuckistanian name, was stoned out of his mind when he placed the order, so I would venture a guess that he forgot to tell the Taco Bell Guy, or TBG, that he wanted sour cream on only 31 of his 37 Burrito Supremes. For clarity, I am only taking an educated guess at the size and scope of Suresh’s order, but I
know for a fact have been told that some good Colombian reefer will turn you into Kelvinator Garbage (meaning Taco Bell food) Disposal in a rather timely manner.
Suresh Has a Complaint
Anyway, Suresh’s order was somehow not to his liking when he got it and he proceeded to throw a fit like a stoned 3 year old when he discovered such. His temper tantrum eventually got to the point where he threw his soda (no word on whether it was upgraded to the “Sombrero Size”) all over one of the restaurant’s cash registers! I am no electronics wizard, but I do know that liquid and electronics do not make good playmates. In this case, they were “not good playmates” to the tune of $2500 damage to the register and $3000 lost revenue for Taco Bell. This is what Florida Department of Justice and Punishers of Dumbasses officials call a “felony”.
Adding a packet of Taco Bell Super Red Hot, Especially for Guys With Manly Canuckistanian Names Taco sauce to Suresh’s already gaping wounds is a little matter of probation. You see, Suresh is currently on probation for a 2011 conviction in a child abuse case! He was promptly arrested and is being held without bail.
Let me get this straight. This asswipe that is breathing decent peoples’ air is on probation for a child abuse CONVICTION and is running around Gainesville, Florida as free as Gubmint cheese and he is held without bail for pouring a soda on a cash register! What. The. Fuck?! This is reason enough to de-gazebo the Boil on the Ass Humanity Judge who put this loser on probation in the first place. But that’s another story for another day.
May I Take Your Order?
I know that somewhere in an Eastern Canadian Province, in an igloo sitting by a warm fire with his pet moose Fido, eating polar bear cub pot pie, Drive Thru Guy has a tear in his eye and compassion in his heart for his comrades in arms at this Taco Bell 2000 miles away in Gainesville, Florida.
Who am I trying to kid??!!! DTG is, as we speak, laughing his frozen tundra of an ass off and thinking how easy the pussies at this particular Taco Bell have it in comparison to what he puts up with on a daily basis. That’s what his blog is all about – dealing with Canuckistani guys with names like Jean or Michele. Hell, if I had a “Manly Canuckistanian Name” like Jean or Michele, I’d be pissed off at the world too. Now you understand what kind of people Drive Thru Guy has to tolerate every day.
I almost feel sorry for him.
This story is about something that has had me puzzled for years. Why in the world would any dumbass want to burglarize a home by climbing down the chimney unless he’s a midget dumbass? I mean the average chimney couldn’t be more than a couple of square feet in size. Wouldn’t that be a tight fit for any normal sized man? I stand 5’4″ and go about 150 lbs. I am not pudgy, much less fat, and even I wouldn’t try to go down a chimney to commit a burglary. That begs the next question. How the hell do you go back up the chimney to leave the scene of the crime? But, Toby, you dumbass, you could use a door to make your escape! If a man is dumbass enough to try to go down a chimney to steal some shit from some poor schmuck, then he’s too big a dumbass to use a door to get away! If he was gonna use a door to escape, why wouldn’t the dumbass just jimmy a door open to gain entry into the house? Only the dumbass knows for sure.
This question piqued my interest when I read the story of an Arlington, Texas man who tried to rip off a house by going down the chimney. His evil plans went awry when the dumbass tried to go down the chimney and he got stuck! I guess there must be a shortage of midgets who want to rob houses by going down chimneys. Anyway, the dumbass got stuck and then he knew he was screwed and wasn’ gonna get kissed, so he hollered for help until the Arlington fuzz arrived at the scene. The dumbass was extracted from the chimney and charged with burglary of a habitation. Also when searching the dumbass’ Jeep, they found some pot and the dumbass was hit with that charge as well. The key to this whole case is the pot. The dumbass probably smoked a little weed and then went to Taco Bell for the 24 tacos for $4.99 special and sucked all the tacos down like a fat kid slams a chocolate cake. After a couple dozen Taco Bell tacos, nobody is gonna be able to fit in to a chimney. Not even a midget crook. That’s my theory and I’m stickin’ to it. There’s a lesson in all this talk of burglarizing homes by way of the chimney – get high AFTER you pull off the job! Then go to Taco Bell! Dumbass.