Category: Tampa

The Cop & the Hookers: Love in a Patrol Car

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He’s got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she’s fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she’s toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won’t kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he’s a good man. Let’s review this…Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck ’em. That’s just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who’s worthy of the “honor”. Therefore…..

…it is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with women…in his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn’t be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can’t do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork ’em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here’s what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That’s a helluva a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some “groceries” in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I’m in.


Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn’t they at least recommended to have Matt’s pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?

Dumbasses.

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Group Sex, Drugs & the SWAT Team!

Oh, boy! Another threesome gone bad story! With a twist. Or two.

I find that marriage, even in the best of times, is quite a challenge. One man, one woman. Ain’t that enough? Evidently not.

At least not for a Zephyrhills, Florida couple.

Here’s the deal:

The Deal

Luck to Still Have Gazebos

Mindi and David Hill are both 29 years old and married. To each other. However, they have a 24 year old lady friend is who very close to them. Or should I say used to be very close to them. She was a close enough friend to have been invited to join them in a menage a three. OK, you male Dumbasses, put your tongues back in your mouths, I am about to bust your bubble.

So Dave. Mindi and the friend, we’ll call her Susie, all get nekkid and bump uglies. They also shot themselves up with prescription drugs. This is very bad joo joo. Especially when there are firearms involved. Did I not mention that this threesome of freaked out fornicators also had a pistol handy? They did.

After getting smashed then doing the Dirty Deed all together, the three Dumbasses passed out. Mindi woke up to David trying to “get some” from Susie and it pissed Mindi off – because she was not in on the orgy! The mere fact that her husband was schtooping some other slut right in front of her eyes was not Mindi’s main concern. Her main bitch was the fact that she was not in on the action!

Then the real fun started.

Extracurricular Action

Having been left out of the group grope, Mindi did what any spurned whore would do under the circumstances – she grabbed a pistol. She then threatened to shoot Susie and to add an exclamation point to her argument, Mindi fired off a round from the pistol into the ceiling! Dave took exception to Minid’s lack of decorum with their concubine and immediately sprang to his feet grabbed Mindi by the check with his best WWE choke hold, snagged the gun from her and for added emphasis, with the gun very near Mindi’s skull, squeezed of  a shot into the wall and said to Mindi, and I am quoting here, “Bitch, I’ll fucking kill you!”

This series of events alarmed Susie who quickly escaped and called the cops.

More Family Fun!

I am not making this up. As evidence I offer you part of the report from the Tampa Bay Times, “The husband and wife refused to come outside, so the SWAT team assembled.
The standoff lasted two hours. The couple eventually came outside voluntarily, but Mr. Rice fought with deputies who shocked him with a Taser. He ran back inside, barricading doors, but was persuaded to give up by negotiators.
The couple remained in jail Thursday, charged with aggravated assault.
Mr. Rice was also charged with obstructing officers and held without bail. He was supposed to be in court for a trial Sept. 4 to face charges of burglary, grand theft and possession of oxycodone, court records state.
Mrs. Rice, held in lieu of $5,000 bail, was sentenced in June to two years of felony probation for credit card fraud, according to the Florida Department of Corrections. Authorities said she stole the credit card in 2011 so she could bail her husband out of jail” 

A Lesson for Dumbasses of the Male Persuasion

It is abundantly clear that the old adage “a man can’t stock two shelves” comes into play here. Guys, no matter how much you’d like to “enhance your marriage”, meaning “screw your neighbor lady”, this is what happens when you attempt to mess with the Natural Order of Things. Just when you think, “All right! I’ll finally get to bag Cindy from next door”, your wife will, because that what wives do, get insanely jealous of your tryste with Cindy and want to a) shoot your philandering ass or b) give you a rusty butter knife gazebo-ectomy. Pick your poison, if you must.

Fellow Male Dumbasses, I tell you this with love, concern for the well-being of gazebos everywhere and the purest of dumbassery in my heart.

Stay away from threesomes. Or at least hide the pistol.

Dumbasses.

Florida & 9-1-1 Calls for Sex Always Fun!

It’s always tons of fun when we get to go to Florida for some good old fashioned Dumbassery. It’s even more fun when the act of Dumbassery involves a dumbass call to 9-1-1!

Especially when the call to 9-1-1 is for SEX!

Not a Female Cop in Sight

9-1-1 No-no

We here at Dumbass News pride ourselves in bringing you the best 9-1-1 Dumbassery to be found anywhere in the world. I think we have proven that with such outstanding 9-1-1 Dumbassery as the guy who call the emergency service to have some beer delivered. While I agree that being out of beer is indeed an emergency, 9-1-1 worthy it ain’t. We have even featured a story where a 9-1-1 “health emergency” call lead to cops discovering 124 pot plants from where the call was placed. excellent Dumbassery indeed. Then there’s the tale of a Dumbass who dialed 9-1-1 so the cops would come over and he would kick their asses. This did not work out well for the Dumbass.

You’ll notice one very important topic missing from our roster of Dumbass 9-1-1 Call List. Care to venture a guess? Yes! S-E-X!

I haven’t been layin’ down on the job, it wasn’t until I checked my email today that I finally got a story with a 9-1-1/Sex angle to it. And being ever-vigilant for such material, the minute my eagle eye spotted it, I loaded up the blogging tools and hit the keyboard running.

Hopin’ for Humpin’

There’s a horny Dumbass down in Tampa. of course that description could cover 80% of the Tampa area population, but this horny Dumbass wanted some lovin’ so bad, he dialed 9-1-1 for it! Not once. Not twice. Not even three times. But this Dumbass punched up a 6-3-7-7! That’s seven times 9-1-1!.

Now while an occasional call to Emergency Service for a blow job or some phone sex might be OK in some places around the country, in the F-L-A this is a large uh-uh. Nein nein. Nyet nyet. Non non. For the Yoopers in the Dumbass Horde, all the previous double words represent the word “no” in three, count ’em three foreign languages. Who says that Dumbass News ain’t got no class? there’s that word again. No.

Anyway, the Dumbass in Tampa, no relation to the Dumbass Protesters at the Republican Convention, hit up the Hillsborough County 9-1-1 folks seven times asking them to send over a female police officer so he could be handcuffed to play “Prison Bitch”. Or something like that.

Not Amused

It goes without saying that the operators at 9-1-1 faled to see the humor or the unbridled hormonal rage the Dumbass was engaging in. So after the seventh time he called looking for female cop nooky, he was arrested for abusing the emergency system. Busted by big hairy 100% Male Police Officers.

No word on whether or not he solicited the Guy Cops or not.

I doubt it though. Because he’s not a homo, he’s a …

…Dumbass.

Cop "Protects" Coke, "Serves" Hookers…in Squad Car!

Best of Dumbass News

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He’s got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she’s fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she’s toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won’t kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he’s a good man. Let’s review this…Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck ’em. That’s just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who’s worthy of the “honor”. Therefore…..

…it is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with women…in his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn’t be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can’t do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork ’em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here’s what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That’s a helluve a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some “groceries” in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I’m in.


Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn’t they at least recommended to have Matt’s pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?

Dumbasses.

Tampa Cop Reveals His "Taser" to Hookers

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He’s got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she’s fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she’s toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won’t kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he’s a good man. Let’s review this…Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck ’em. That’s just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who’s worthy of the “honor”. Therefore…..

…it is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with women…in his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn’t be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can’t do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork ’em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here’s what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That’s a helluve a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some “groceries” in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I’m in.


Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn’t they at least recommended to have Matt’s pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?

Dumbasses.

Dumbasses Are 3 for 1 Today!

A Lawnmower and Its Dumbass*

What’s with the overstock of dumbasses in Florida these days? Yesterday, in Manatee, Florida, we had a guy who tried to hide some crack cocaine in his ass crack. Today our dumbass, Charles McDaniel, is in the Tampa Bay Area. However, McDaniel is not trying hide crack in his crack. He is attempting to escape from police with his ass planted firmly on a riding lawnmower! Here’s the deal: Tampa Bay law enforcement got a tip that McDaniel was concealing stolen property in his home. During the service of the search warrant, somebody notified the cops that McDaniel was fleeing the scene on a riding lawnmower! Zipping along at the lightning speed of about 7 miles per hour, McDaniel was soon apprehended by the local constabulary, who were giving pursuit in patrol cars equipped with highly modified, 400 horsepower V-8s. Good ol’ Chuck was arrested and charged with a bucket full of felonies and being a dumbass. End of story, right? Wrong. The highly-trained and professional “journalists” at TampaBay.com needed to add perspective to this story, so they found a guy who sets land speed records on, you’ve got it, riding lawnmowers! What.The.Frak? This sort of insight is invaluable to the average newspaper reader. Mr. and Mrs. Average Newspaper Reader would never believe that cops with high performance squad cars could catch a dumbass trying to escape them on a riding lawnmower, so the reporters of this story contact a dumbass named Bobby Cleveland, who has done 96.5 mph on a souped up John Deere who says brilliant things like “You could get it to about 7 or 8 miles per hour — max.” Then Mr. Dumbass Hot Rod Lawnmower Riding Guy gives us this pearl of wisdom, “It’s not an escape vehicle,” he said. “You’re sitting up there too high, so there’s nowhere to hide. And they’re just a little too slow…”
No shit, Briggs and Stratton breath. We have established the fact that Charles McDaniel is a dumbass for trying to elude police on a riding lawnmomwer, but now we have two more dumbasses in this story. Hot Rod John Deere Guy and those Mensa Members at tampabay.com Here’s what I think: anybody that rides a lawnmower at 96.5 mph is a dumbass. But this maroon is probably a product of the public school system, so I’ll cut him a break. On the other hand,we have the reporters at tampabay.com. They took up valuable company time costing who knows how much to actually search for Souped Up Lawn Mower Dumbass for his “professional opinion” on why Charles McDaniel is a dumbass for fleeing the fuzz on a riding lawnmower! Now that’s dumbassery at its best. Hell, the reporter dumbasses could have picked any name out of the Tampa phone book and gotten the same observations. Is it any wonder that the American citizenry holds the main stream media in such low regard? The Dumbass runs thick in Tampa Bay. You’d need a new John Deere just to cut through it. Dumbasses.

**Photo from Aol News**