Category: Tampons

More "Dummies": The Flaming Dumbass Award for 2012!

Some men are born into Dumbassery, others have it thrust upon them.

The overwhelming majority of the stories on Dumbass News are about idiots who are natural born Dumbasses – people who come into the world with the Dumbass Gene embedded in their DNA. Other stories usually involve people who are suddenly eat up with a bad case of Dumbass-itis and something, shall we say “out of the ordinary”, happens. It is these Dumbasses that we will honor today.

The 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards are proud to present the nominees for the first-ever Flaming Dumbass Award!

May I have the fire resistant envelope, please…

I am proud to announce the winner of the 2012 Flaming Dumbass Award…

Using a Blow Torch to Rid Your House of Spiders! (And Yourself of a House) Guy! Such a simple task, yet such disastrous results. Let this story, and by extension this award, be a reminder that an attack of Dumbass-itis can unexpectedly hit anybody at anytime.

If you find yourself the victim of Sudden Dumbass-itis Syndrome there are some steps you can take to minimize, or even avoid, the negative impact this malady can inflict upon you and your loved ones.

  1. Don’t create a Facebook account.
  2. Practice tampon control. Realize that feminine hygiene products are possessed by agents of Satan.
  3. Dispose of all flammable materials in your house.
  4. Avoid matches and lighters at all costs.
  5. Do not incinerate household pests with blow torches when a rolled up newspaper will do the trick.
  6. If you fail to heed the warnings of the tips above, for the sake of all that is Holy, DO NOT procreate. Dumbass-itis is hereditary. We certainly don’t need another generation of human beans that carry your DNA. There are too many Liberals in our country right now. 
  7. In regards to Number 6: where’s my blow torch?

Dumbasses.

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A Criminal Mastermind with Bigguns

I grew up in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex, back in the days when Dallas and Fort Worth actually were not connected by suburbs that are now cities in their own right. Not that these cities weren’t cities before the Metroplex became home to about 7 million people. They were. But they were more like towns, places to grab a burger or take a pee break during the trip from Fort Worth to Dallas or vice versa. These days it’s difficult to tell one city from the next. It would be damn near impossible if it weren’t for city limit signs.
Understand, that I haven’t been home to DFW in several years, but other than massive population growth and new buildings, I’m pretty sure it is much the same as I left it – Urban Sprawl at Its Finest.

Even the formerly sleepy out of the way town of Colleyville has become a small city as compared to a spot in the road as I remember it. Colleyville is also a crime-infested hell hole. That is if you include the crime of a 41 year old woman leading a group of kids on a home vandalizing spree as a major crime, which in Colleyville it is.

The Crime Spree 

Mastermind with Bigguns

A group of girls were having a sleepover at a Colleyville house. A group of boys found out about it. This of course opens the door to mischief of all kinds, what with pre-teen and teen boys and all. In my adolescence, this was known as “Boys Being Boys When a Group of Young Cuties Had a Slumber Party”. So, the boys hatched a brilliant plan to “vandalize” the home where the girls were staying. The List of  “Vandalization” Tools included the obligatory 4 million rolls of toilet paper and the not-so-obligatory box of tampons amongst other things. In my day, a boy my age touching a box of tampons was akin to making out with the ugliest girl in school. Unless you were drunk, and these kids are way too young for that, it did not happen. Unless one of your buddies found out, then it happened.

The difference, besides the tampons, in this “T.P-ing” is that the group pf boys had a mastermind – the aforementioned 41 year old woman. This is uncool. Uncool because the broad is 41 and planning a Pre-Teen Yard Redecorating Party and uncool because no self-respecting 12 year old boy would enlist the help of an adult, especially a woman (sorry, ladies) to do something that comes so naturally to 12 year old boys. That is unless the woman was a hottie and/or promised to show you her knockers if she could be the Mastermind behind the shenanigans. In that case, she was an Instant Mastermind. A Stoopid Mastermind, but a Mastermind nonetheless.

The Story

From WFAA.com in Dallas, “A North Texas woman has been charged in an alleged neighborhood prank using raw chicken, mustard and peanut butter to cause $6,000 in damage.

Tara Mauney, of Colleyville, has been charged with felony criminal mischief in the July incident. She’s free on $7,500 bond.

The 41-year-old woman allegedly helped several middle school students buy toilet paper to litter a residence where some girls were having a sleepover. Mustard and peanut butter were smeared or used to write graffiti. Chicken was left in a mailbox.

Mauney allegedly posed for a photo with some youngsters at a store where police believe the purchases were made.

Police say no children have been charged but two boys have acknowledged taking part in the vandalism.

But wait! There’s more! “Mauney allegedly posed for a photo with some youngsters at a store where police believe the purchases were made.

Police say no children have been charged but two boys have acknowledged taking part in the vandalism.
According to a Tarrant County arrest affidavit, a homeowner in the 4600 block of Alexandra Drive in Colleyville called police to report the offense on July 25.
The officer found two raw chicken halfs in the mailbox; a toilet in the driveway near the front door with the words “suck it” written in Sharpie; more Sharpie writing on the home’s “exterior, light colored stucco walls” of phrases like “whore house,” “suck it” and “sluts.” 
The latter word was also written in mustard on the driveway and was dry by the time the officer arrived on scene. Peanut butter was smeared on pillars near the driveway. Tampons and sanitary napkins doused in ketchup were left in the driveway and front yard. 
Some of those were found stuck on the home’s front windows.
 
Why?

Now come the questions that demand answers.

  • Why would a 41 year old woman want to assist a group of boys in planning and executing such a midnight raid? Buy ’em the toilet paper, sure. But knowingly and willingly participate? Sheesh.
  • Surely the woman, or She With the Big Hammers as I like to call her, knew that she (and the boys) would be breaking the law.
  • Raw chicken? That’s disgusting. This alone takes this prank to another level. And it ain’t a good level either. Bitch.
  • Using Sharpies (or mustard, or anything) to write vulgar terms on the walls of the house is inexcusable. 
  • “Bloody” tampons? Seriously?
  • Did she show off her “assets”?
  • I hope it was worth it.

There are more questions to be asked for sure, but this bimbo should have never gotten involved in this teenage mischief in the first place. In the second place, she knew the boys were up to something and could have least given them some good sound advice on the “etiquette” of rolling a house. Raw chicken and “bloody” tampons cross the line. Period. No pun intended.

A Lot More

What could have and should have been a simple teenage prank turned into much more with the help of an irresponsible parent. The worst that should have come out of this ordeal was that the next day the kids who did the rolling came back to clean up the mess they made and perhaps learn a lesson. But noooooooooo!! Some Dumbass broad has to go through her second childhood and decide to “help” the boys be boys.

And now she is charged with a felony!

But she is a cutie. I wonder if the she has a nice rack? Maybe I could ask one of the Rollers. Or maybe not. That could be another felony-in-the-waiting.

Dumbass.