Category: Taser

The Cop & the Hookers: Love in a Patrol Car

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He’s got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she’s fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she’s toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won’t kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he’s a good man. Let’s review this…Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck ’em. That’s just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who’s worthy of the “honor”. Therefore…..

…it is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with women…in his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn’t be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can’t do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork ’em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here’s what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That’s a helluva a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some “groceries” in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I’m in.


Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn’t they at least recommended to have Matt’s pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?

Dumbasses.

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Ass Tasing Cops!

Ass Tickler

Cops have one of the toughest jobs in the world. So a little workplace levity to ease the tension that police officers face every day doesn’t seem like a bad idea. That is, until a dumbass cop tasers the ass of a female colleague. At this point, a little workplace levity becomes a little workplace sexual harassment, or at the very least a dumbass idea when the workplace is Police Headquarters!

Here’s the deal: a lady cop goes over to a male colleague and shows him something on her iPod. He then pulls out his taser (thank, God that’s all he pulled out) and started chasing the lady cop around the police department building and the dumbass tases his female co-worker in her ass! That’s his first problem. his second problem is the fact that the police department has video cameras in every possible place! His third problem is that there are several fellow police officers witnessing this whole ass-tasing! The guy cop’s next problem is that the local media are on this story like a duck on a June bug, which leads to the guy’s next problem – Lt. Rich Gibbons, who, despite the fact that he is an accomplished Sheriff’s Deputy, he is also a dumbass. While being interviewed about the incident by a local TV station, Lt. Gibbons said (this is an exact quote) “It wasn’t done as a malicious act, but it was horseplay utilizing a Taser.” What.The Frak.? “Horseplay utilizing a taser”? It is my understanding that all police officers go through taser training which includes having the taser used on their own selves. It is also my understanding that a taser dispenses an electric shock of about 50,000 volts! Now, it may just be me, but if I were to be hit with 50,000 volts, my gazebos would would somehow go back to from whence they came, and I would have to change my name to Tobina. thanks, but no thanks. Lt. Gibbons then chimes in with this classic, “My reaction is that it’s not tolerable” because it’s on taxpayer time. That utterance in and of itself leads us in new direction of dumbassery, but that’s for another time.

Again, let me say that I have done a lot of work with police departments all over the state of Texas as a media guy back in the day, and I have nothing but the greatest respect and admiration for an often thankless but dangerous job that they do. That said, I am only highlighting this one incident, in which a lone cop acts like a dumbass. My advice to the dumbass cop with the tasering the ass fetish, next time man up and show her your night stick. Dumbass.

Dumbass Cop Tasers Female Cop’s Ass…At The Police Dept.!

Cops have one of the toughest jobs in the world. So a little workplace levity to ease the tension that police officers face every day doesn’t seem like a bad idea. That is, until a dumbass cop tasers the ass of a female colleague. At this point, a little workplace levity becomes a little workplace sexual harassment, or at the very least a dumbass idea when the workplace is Police Headquarters!

Here’s the deal: a lady cop goes over to a male colleague and shows him something on her iPod. He then pulls out his taser (thank, God that’s all he pulled out) and started chasing the lady cop around the police department building and the dumbass tases his female co-worker in her ass! That’s his first problem. his second problem is the fact that the police department has video cameras in every possible place! His third problem is that there are several fellow police officers witnessing this whole ass-tasing! The guy cop’s next problem is that the local media are on this story like a duck on a June bug, which leads to the guy’s next problem – Lt. Rich Gibbons, who, despite the fact that he is an accomplished Sheriff’s Deputy, he is also a dumbass. While being interviewed about the incident by a local TV station, Lt. Gibbons said (this is an exact quote) “It wasn’t done as a malicious act, but it was horseplay utilizing a Taser.” What.The Frak.? “Horseplay utilizing a taser”? It is my understanding that all police officers go through taser training which includes having the taser used on their own selves. It is also my understanding that a taser dispenses an electric shock of about 50,000 volts! Now, it may just be me, but if I were to be hit with 50,000 volts, my gazebos would would somehow go back to from whence they came, and I would have to change my name to Tobina. thanks, but no thanks. Lt. Gibbons then chimes in with this classic, “My reaction is that it’s not tolerable” because it’s on taxpayer time. That utterance in and of itself leads us in new direction of dumbassery, but that’s for another time.

Again, let me say that I have done a lot of work with police departments all over the state of Texas as a media guy back in the day, and I have nothing but the greatest respect and admiration for an often thankless but dangerous job that they do. That said, I am only highlighting this one incident, in which a lone cop acts like a dumbass. My advice to the dumbass cop with the tasering the ass fetish, next time man up and show her your night stick. Dumbass.