Category: Tennessee

How Dumbasses "Celebrate" Easter!

Here’s a Dumbass Easter Story I wrote just after Easter Sunday last year.
 
Christians and Jews, just a couple of days ago, celebrated the Holiest Days of the Year in their respective religions – Easter for the followers of Jesus and the Passover for the celebrants of Judaism. Of course, remembering the triumph of God over sin reflects only the religious side of the Easter/Passover story.

To many people these days, Easter is simply a day for the kids to dress up in their Sunday-Go-To-Meetin’ finery, even if they don’t go to Sunday Meetin’, and hunting all the colorful eggs left behind by chickens who were raised on LSD or some really good ‘shrooms. But, I digress.

Briefly Personal

I must confess, no Catholic pun intended, that I have never met The Messiah face to face. I’ve never met Jesus either, although I do recognize Him as the Son of Man and the Founder of the Church that we know today as the Catholic Church. However, I am not here to do a post on my (or your) religious beliefs.

I am here to show you how some “Christians” choose to “celebrate” these Holiest of Days.

Take this family in Memphis, Tennessee. Please!!!

Mayhem in the Blues City 

Like millions of Christians worldwide, Annette Pearson was celebrating the holiday with some guests, another family. Annette had carefully hidden Easter eggs around her yard to be just difficult enough to find that the children present would be a bit challenged to find them. So far, so good.

But! You just knew that a big ass BUT! was about to rear its ugly head. This is, after all, Dumbass

News! 

One of the eggs that Annette had hidden was a “Grand Prize Golden Egg!” In it was $7! Seven dollars!? Are you kiddin’ me? A young crack head in Memphis can’t even buy a decent-size rock for seven bucks. seven big ones was evidently some serious cheese to one of Annette’s Easter guests from the other family, as he rather vociferously objected to what he thought was Annette helping her own kids to locate the Grand Prize Golden Egg with the $7 in it. This dumbass got so mad that the slapped Annette upside the head! Not just once, but twice!

This is when the real fun started.

What Would Jesus Do?

WWJD is  not a question that entered Annette’s freshly slapped head. Upon being assaulted over a $7 Grand Prize Golden Egg, she went inside her house and grabbed $25 Balck & Decker Claw Hammer.

The dumbass that smacked Annette on her skull soon found out that it didn’t matter what Jesus would do, it only mattered that Annette clobbered him upside his own head with the claw end of the hammer! The man was now bleeding like a stuck pig headed for the rotisserie at a Memphis BBQ Joint.

Did I note that the other family soon joined in on the brawl? They did. More mayhem ensued. Assholes, elbows and ball peen hammers were everywhere! No mention of the $25 B & D Claw Hammer at this point. There is a mention of the arrival of the Memphis Police Department, however.

Sadly, the dumbass who wailed away on Annette’s noggin was not arrested, but his wound did require four staples to close. Annette, on the other hand, was hauled off for $25 Black & Decker Claw Hammer Assault and is now enjoying the hospitality of the Shelby County Inmate Easter Club, headed up by janet Reno lookalike inmate, Julie “Spike” Snodgrass.

Happy Easter, Annette!

Dumbass.

Lady Fakes Home Invasion, Shoots Self – Twice!

Best of Dumbass News

I love Tennessee, God knows I do. It pains me to have to say, no matter how true it may be, that the Volunteer State has its share of Dumbasses. And I’m not just talking about the Dixie Chicks here either. There is, however, a Dixie Chick (a woman from the South, not the singing group) that fits the bill of being a Dumbass to a “T”.

So many Southern women are the epitome of kindness, honesty, caring and decorum, but not all of them possess such Earthly qualities. That’s where Joy Lounders comes in.

Home Invasion

Last Wednesday night, Joy was sitting alone in her home in Jefferson County, Tennessee minding her own damn bidness when the unthinkable happened. A gray haired man stormed into her house and began to violently assault her. Like any Southern woman worth her salt, Joy grabbed a pistol preparing to send the Bad Guy to His Reward. However, it didn’t quite work out that way as Joy was shot twice, once in the leg and once in the shoulder. She was able to call the Cops who quickly arrived on the scene.

Joy lives in a nice, previously safe part of Jefferson County and the Police were dumbfounded that something like this horrible incident could occur in a such a neighborhood.

Why?

You wanna know why the Law was so shocked to see a crime of this type at Joy’s house?

Because. It. Did. Not. Happen!

Yes! Joy made up the whole damn story! She told the Cops that a gray haired guy broke into her home, assaulted her and fled in a gray or silver SUV. Problem is, there was no bad guy, no crime and no SUV. Nothing.

That leaves us with the question: How in the world did Joy sustain these gun shot wounds then? Simple. She shot herself! I ain’t makin’ this shit up.

For whatever reason (the Police still don’t know), the stoopid bitch fabricated the whole “home invasion” fairy tale then shot herself to make it look real. Just so you know, btw. Joy was taken to the hospital, treated and released. She’s OK.

A Clue? 

According to WBIR-TV, after this whole fiasco was solved, Joy, Shooter of Self, is scheduled to turn herself in on previous DUI charges. Now, I think I know why Joy concocted such a wild tale in the first place.

Not only is she a Dumbass, she’s a drunk, too! Whether or not the fake home invasion has anything to do with her DUI is purely speculation on my part. But! As a Former Professional Drinker, I can tell you that drunks do stoopid shit and it appears to me that Joy was seeking a little sympathy from the Jefferson County Justice System in regards to her DUI situation. That’s just my opinion.

But there are other ways to show your remorse for driving while obliterated and possibly killing an innocent bystander or two.

From One Pro to Another

Judging by the facts in this case, I feel comfortable in saying that Joy has a drinking problem. And I don’t mean, “I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem”. Just call me Captain Obvious.

But, Joy, Joy, Joy…tsk, tsk. Faking one crime to get a little sympathy for another ain’t the way to go, sweetheart. Shooting yourself in an effort to cover up your lie is so blase. There are other avenues you could have pursued in your cry for help. Allow me to enlighten you, Joy.

  • Offer to pork all the cops who responded to your bogus 9-1-1 call. The results would have been the same. You would still be going to jail and you would have been the only one to get screwed. Of your own doing of course.
  • At you DUI sentencing, ask the Judge to join you for Happy Hour, your treat, at The Dew Drop In. Oh, yeah, tell him you’ll call a cab for a ride home later. And give him a hummer under the table. Maybe he’ll go light on you.
  • Prepare yourself to be “invaded” in ways you have seen only in “Women Behind Bars”-type movies on Skinemax at Night. 

Cue ’70s Porn Music.

Dumbass.

Lady Fakes Home Invasion, Shoots Self! Twice!

Joy’s New Playmates

I love Tennessee, God knows I do. It pains me to have to say, no matter how true it may be, that the Volunteer State has its share of Dumbasses. And I’m not just talking about the Dixie Chicks here either. There is, however, a Dixie Chick (a woman from the South, not the singing group) that fits the bill of being a Dumbass to a “T”.

So many Southern women are the epitome of kindness, honesty, caring and decorum, but not all of them possess such Earthly qualities. That’s where Joy Lounders comes in.

Home Invasion

Last Wednesday night, Joy was sitting alone in her home in Jefferson County, Tennessee minding her own damn bidness when the unthinkable happened. A gray haired man stormed into her house and began to violently assault her. Like any Southern woman worth her salt, Joy grabbed a pistol preparing to send the Bad Guy to His Reward. However, it didn’t quite work out that way as Joy was shot twice, once in the leg and once in the shoulder. She was able to call the Cops who quickly arrived on the scene.

Joy lives in a nice, previously safe part of Jefferson County and the Police were dumbfounded that something like this horrible incident could occur in a such a neighborhood.

Why?

You wanna know why the Law was so shocked to see a crime of this type at Joy’s house?

Because. It. Did. Not. Happen!

Yes! Joy made up the whole damn story! She told the Cops that a gray haired guy broke into her home, assaulted her and fled in a gray or silver SUV. Problem is, there was no bad guy, no crime and no SUV. Nothing.

That leaves us with the question: How in the world did Joy sustain these gun shot wounds then? Simple. She shot herself! I ain’t makin’ this shit up.

For whatever reason (the Police still don’t know), the stoopid bitch fabricated the whole “home invasion” fairy tale then shot herself to make it look real. Just so you know, btw. Joy was taken to the hospital, treated and released. She’s OK.

A Clue? 

According to WBIR-TV, after this whole fiasco was solved, Joy, Shooter of Self, is scheduled to turn herself in on previous DUI charges. Now, I think I know why Joy concocted such a wild tale in the first place.

Not only is she a Dumbass, she’s a drunk, too! Whether or not the fake home invasion has anything to do with her DUI is purely speculation on my part. But! As a Former Professional Drinker, I can tell you that drunks do stoopid shit and it appears to me that Joy was seeking a little sympathy from the Jefferson County Justice System in regards to her DUI situation. That’s just my opinion.

But there are other ways to show your remorse for driving while obliterated and possibly killing an innocent bystander or two.

From One Pro to Another

Judging by the facts in this case, I feel comfortable in saying that Joy has a drinking problem. And I don’t mean, “I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem”. Just call me Captain Obvious.

But, Joy, Joy, Joy…tsk, tsk. Faking one crime to get a little sympathy for another ain’t the way to go, sweetheart. Shooting yourself in an effort to cover up your lie is so blase. There are other avenues you could have pursued in your cry for help. Allow me to enlighten you, Joy.

  • Offer to pork all the cops who responded to your bogus 9-1-1 call. The results would have been the same. You would still be going to jail and you would have been the only one to get screwed. Of your own doing of course.
  • At you DUI sentencing, ask the Judge to join you for Happy Hour, your treat, at The Dew Drop In. Oh, yeah, tell him you’ll call a cab for a ride home later. And give him a hummer under the table. Maybe he’ll go light on you.
  • Prepare yourself to be “invaded” in ways you have seen only in “Women Behind Bars”-type movies on Skinemax at Night. 

Cue ’70s Porn Music.

Dumbass.

Crackin’ Open Eggs & Skulls on Easter!

Amen




Christians and Jews, just a couple of days ago, celebrated the Holiest Days of the Year in their respective religions – Easter for the followers of Jesus and the Passover for the celebrants of Judaism. Of course, remembering the triumph of God over sin reflects only the religious side of the Easter/Passover story.

To many people these days, Easter is simply a day for the kids to dress up in their Sunday-Go-To-Meetin’ finery, even if they don’t go to Sunday Meetin’, and hunting all the colorful eggs left behind by chickens who were raised on LSD or some really good ‘shrooms. But, I digress.

Briefly Personal

I must confess, no Catholic pun intended, that I have never met The Messiah face to face. I’ve never met Jesus either, although I do recognize Him as the Son of Man and the Founder of the Church that we know today as the Catholic Church. However, I am not here to do a post on my (or your) religious beliefs.

I am here to show you how some “Christians” choose to “celebrate” these Holiest of Days.

Take this family in Memphis, Tennessee. Please!!!

Mayhem in the Blues City

Like millions of Christians worldwide, Annette Pearson was celebrating the holiday with some guests, another family. Annette had carefully hidden Easter eggs around her yard to be just difficult enough to find that the children present would be a bit challenged to find them. So far, so good.

But! You just knew that a big ass BUT! was about to rear its ugly head. This is, after all, Dumbass News! 

One of the eggs that Annette had hidden was a “Grand Prize Golden Egg!” In it was $7! Seven dollars!? Are you kiddin’ me? A young crack head in Memphis can’t even buy a decent-size rock for seven bucks. seven big ones was evidently some serious cheese to one of Annette’s Easter guests from the other family, as he rather vociferously objected to what he thought was Annette helping her own kids to locate the Grand Prize Golden Egg with the $7 in it. This dumbass got so mad that the slapped Annette upside the head! Not just once, but twice!

This is when the real fun started.

What Would Jesus Do?

WWJD is  not a question that entered Annette’s freshly slapped head. Upon being assaulted over a $7 Grand Prize Golden Egg, she went inside her house and grabbed $25 Balck & Decker Claw Hammer.

The dumbass that smacked Annette on her skull soon found out that it didn’t matter what Jesus would do, it only mattered that Annette clobbered him upside his own head with the claw end of the hammer! The man was now bleeding like a stuck pig headed for the rotisserie at a Memphis BBQ Joint.

Did I note that the other family soon joined in on the brawl? They did. More mayhem ensued. Assholes, elbows and ball peen hammers were everywhere! No mention of the $25 B & D Claw Hammer at this point. There is a mention of the arrival of the Memphis Police Department, however.

Sadly, the dumbass who wailed away on Annette’s noggin was not arrested, but his wound did require four staples to close. Annette, on the other hand, was hauled off for $25 Black & Decker Claw Hammer Assault and is now enjoying the hospitality of the Shelby County Inmate Easter Club, headed up by janet Reno lookalike inmate, Julie “Spike” Snodgrass.

Happy Easter, Annette!

Dumbass.

Dumbass Laws, Part 9

Well…it’s been a week or so since we got to make fun of all those other states that have some real dumbass laws and your state doesn’t. I hate to bust your bubble, but even my home state of Texas has some dumbass laws, so if I haven’t mentioned some dumbass laws for your state yet, just hold yer taters, because your state is coming up tonight or the next time we do a dumbass laws segment. Once we get past Round One of dumbass laws from around the country, we will probably do a “Best of Dumbass Laws” post, just to review some of the more stupid shit laws on the books. I may even run a poll featuring some of the “best” dumbass laws and let you vote on the Most Dumbass State at the end of this series. Let’s now see what kind of dumbass awaits us tonight.
 South Dakota – It is expressly forbidden to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
DN – What the hell do they want you to do in a cheese factory, sing polka songs to stay awake? I visited a small cheese factory in Wisconsin many years ago, and if South Dakota cheese factories are anything like the one I was in, you’d rather be in the showers at a skid row truck stop than to be in one of those foul-smellin’ fungus traps. Trust me on this one. It ain’t a purty sight.

Tennessee – I love the Volunteer State, but they have some fucked up laws on the books. Like this one: it is illegal to catch a fish with a lasso.
DN – No lassos, huh? This reminds me of an old fishin’ story. this guy was out fishing every day at this one lake and so were many other fisherman. None of the fisherman caught a thing over a few days of fishin’, but this one dude was geting his limit every day. So, the guys not catching anything became suspicious of the one guy catching all the fish and they called the Game Warden. Sure enough the game Warden goes out to the fishin’ hole and sees the one dude throwing dynamite into the water. BOOM!!! Up to the surface of the water come dozens of fish and the guy scoops them up with his net. The Game Warden padles his boat out to where the guy was fishing and said, “You can’t use dynamite to fish! That’s illegal! The guy itches another piece of dynamite into the water and BOOM!! The fish float to the surface by the dozens. The Game Warden says,”Hey! You can’t do that! So, the guy lights a stick of dynamite and hands it to the Game Warden and says, “You wanna argue or you wanna fish?” I’ll be here all week.

Texas – It’s against the law to own the Encyclopedia Brittanica in Texas. Why? It has a recipe for making beer in it.
DN – I have it on good authority that the Moonshiners in Texas responded by saying, “What’s an Encyclopedia? And does it taste like chicken?”
Utah – Birds have the right of way on all freeways in Utah.
DN – Yeah, Thunderbirds.

Vermont – It’s illegal to whistle under water.
DN – In Vermont, it’s also against the law to drown on air. Dumbasses.

There you have it. Five more states with some real dumbass laws. College footbal, Texas vs. Oklahoma State, is coming on in a few minutes, so I’d better lasso myself an order of Buffalo Wings. Unless that’s against the law, too.