This was a very busy week at Dumbass News. We had an outstanding crop of Dumbasses to harvest for you, but unfortunately many of you missed the pickin’s.
So for the Dumbasses that were for some reason unable to enjoy the fruits of our labors, and for the newest Dumbasses who just now smelling the manure of our Garden of Dumbassery, we give you, in spite of Public Outrage and Threats of Litigation, the Dumbass Week in Review!
- There’s no better way to start a new week than with a good rousing session of Mad Monkey Cow Sex and it’s role in ushering in The End of the World. This kind of stuff is the reason I live to do write this blog. I am a blessed man.
- We have another case of a woman, or in this case, King Kong, going completely off her rocker and doing major damage to some poor guys gazebos. This is an epidemic and it must be stopped at any cost, or soon there will be no men with gazebos left in the world!
- There are hundreds of millions of the world’s 7 billion people who see the United States as a beacon for Freedom, Liberty and a place in which to create a better lifestyle for their families in a land of limitless opportunity. Unfortunately we also have Liberals who take the opposite view of their own country. Maybe we can trade a Liberal for each Freedom-seeking immigrant who goes through the proper channels to become an American Citizen. One for one. Immigrant becomes American, Liberal becomes foreigner. I like it. With that brilliant idea on the table for our elected Dumbasses in Congress to consider, we covered the story of an immigrant who wanted to become an American in the worst way. “The worst way” meaning she beat the hell out of her boyfriend because he didn’t want to marry her.
You can look on the internet for years and not find a collection of Dumbassery like this. I care enough about you to do it for you. So, sally forth my Dumbass Minions into the Realm of What the Hell Am I Doing This For?
You deserve it.
It’s a dangerous world out there, Dumbasses.
You can walk out your front door right now and there’s a possibility that you could be mugged, stabbed, shot, hit by a drunk driver, have your gazebos squeezed into oblivion by a mad woman – you know, the usual stuff that tends to happen to Dumbasses.
Dumbass Code Word © Definition
Before I get into the meat (that’s a funny) of today’s story, I feel obligated to define a term of Dumbassery that I use regularly in my posts. That term is “gazebos”. When I, your Fearless Leader and Exemplar of All That is Good & Holy About Being a Dumbass, write this word, it does not refer to a round shade-producing edifice where one consumes mimosas and has brunch. First, most Dumbasses don’t even know what mimosas or brunch are. The Dumbass version of a typical gazebo, mimosas and brunch are warm beer, 8:30AM and the tailgate of an old pickup truck rusting away in his front yard.
Back to “gazebos”. I got a comment in a post a few weeks ago that appeared (by the manner in which it was worded) to come from across The Pond. The commenter said he (I assume it was a guy) was unfamiliar with my use of the word “gazebos” and needed some clarification on the matter. For those of you who are new to the Dumbass Horde, “gazebos” is a Dumbass Code Word © for testicles. Nuts. Balls. Gonads. Family Jewels. Huevos. Or in the case of the Fwench, BBs. You get the picture.
It Came for His Gazebos
As is with the story in the link in the opening paragraph, today’s selection is about gazebo squeezing. In the previously linked story, a Chinese lady went Bruce Lee on some poor guy and put his gazebos into such a grip that he later died from his injuries. Today’s victim of gazebo grabbing wasn’t lucky enough to die after he was neutered by a pissed off female. And judging by the mugshot, the term “female” is used very loosely. The chick in that photo looks more like Dennis Rodman, who, rumor has it, is into having his gazebos squeezed. But, I digress. The thing in the photo is Joyce Maxine Gregory of Shelby, North Carolina.
Joyce is 35 years old and was chillin’ with a 59 year old guy at his crib when, for whatever reason,
it she went ape shit on him. The Guy went outside to call 911 to report the disturbance whem Joyce caught up with him and grabbed him by his gazebos. The Dennis Rodman Look-a-like Gazebo Death Grip promptly ensued. This was no ordinary Dennis Rodman Look-a-like Gazebo Death Grip, however. Joyce had such a hold on this man’s huevos (see definition above) that she literally squeezed one of them out of his scrotum! This, by the way, can not be a pleasant experience.
Hangin’ By a Thread
Quoting a Police document here, “Officer M. L. McPherson stated in his report that the victim’s “scrotum had been split open,” adding that, “I was also able to observe one of the subject’s testicles protruding from the scrotum area.”
Police also observed “blood on the floor of the porch and the siding of the residence.”
Luckily, The Guy won’t suffer any permanent damage to his gazebos or nut sack, but I am willing to place good money on the fact that the mental scars from this gazebo grabbing will not heal for quite some time.
Or until The Guy gets drunk enough to hang out with another female that looks like Dennis Rodman.
The Guy has serious “issues”.
Wee Wee, Madamoiselle
Once the cops arrested
King Kong Joyce Gregory and got her into a zoo cage squad car, she further proved her femininity by dropping trou and pissing all over the back seat.
Joyce has been charged with a bunch of Serious Shit like assault inflicting serious bodily injury and malicious castration. I think that means
it she squeezed a gazebo out of The Guy’s bag without permission. Or something.
Class act that Joyce.