Category: Texas A and M

Lady Aims to Blast Skunk; Shoots Aggie Husband Instead

Best of Dumbass News 

Boy hidee, I gotta tell you that we are loaded with Dumbasses today, folks. And when I say “loaded”, I mean loaded as in a gun.

And it’s funny you should ask, because this story revolves (pun intended) around a firearm. So, let’s take aim at the Dumbasses in our story.

Where

Aggie Veterinarian Shirt

Where: College Station, Texas, home of Texas A & M University and the Aggie Nation. For those of you around the country, or the world for that matter, Aggies are a “special” breed of Texan. And by “special” I mean Natural Born Dumbasses. In Texas, we make fun of Aggies the way people in the Northeast make fun of the Irish or Polish or any other ethnic group. If you know a good Irish/Polish/Ethnic joke, simply insert the word “Aggie” for “Irish” or “Polish” or any ethnicity and you’ll have the definition of an Aggie.

For example: How many Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group/Aggies does it take to get dinner? The answer is two (2). One to watch out for traffic.

See what I mean? That’s an Aggie for you.

What

WARNING!

A skunk.

Who

A Dumbass and his wife, co-starring a pistol.

The Problem

It seems as if this innocent skunk had wandered into the Dumbass’s yard one night. So, he comes up with this Great Plan to Eradicate the Skunk Once and for All. This GPTETSOAFA would involve a pistola. Let inject here the fact that Texans are rather proud of their firearms and their ability to use them as needed. This includes shooting spouses who are Dumbasses.

Let me splain.

I told you that the skunk was in the guy’s yard and he (The Guy, not the skunk) says, “Honey! There’s a skunk in the yard! Let’s go blast that little bastard to Kingdom Come!” The wife agrees. So she grabs a gun and outside they head searching for their unsuspecting prey. Skunks are unsuspecting because they are stoopid. But if you had a weapon like the spray a skunk can lay on you, you’d be unsuspecting too. But I digress.

Outside the couple goes and within a few seconds they spot the intruder, the skunk. Here’s where a shitload of Dumbassery comes into play. For some reason, the Dumbass is gonna let his wife shoot the skunk rather than do it himself. Why, I don’t know, but I do know that that is a decision that he will regret for the rest of his life. If he lives.

Aim This Way, Sweetie!

Aggie/Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group Pistol

The Dumbass goes on the opposite side of the skunk from the lady with a loaded gun! “Just squeeze the trigger, Sugar Puss”. So, Sugar Puss takes careful aim at her quarry, waits for just the right second and BAM! That’s when the Dumbass felt a burning sensation in his belly. The burning sensation of a .45 calibre bullet!

The skunk got away. The guy hit the ground with a bullet in his gut.

I smell questions coming up here.

Questions

  • Why did he think that shooting a skunk was the way to get it rid of it? At a safe distance, (a skunk can spray from 7 to 15 feet, so 16 feet from the bidness end of the skunk is considered a safe distance) simply go outside, make a shit load of obnoxious noise, like the Aggie War Hymn, and the little stinker will haul ass outta there like somebody stuck a Roman Candle up his ass. ***I will caution you at this point, that stuffing a Roman candle up a skunk’s ass is not a highly recommended activity. Loud noise will do just fine.***
  • Even though the Dumbass in Question is an Aggie, he should have known that standing in front of the business end of a .45 is not a good idea. Why would he do this?
  • Further exacerbating the situation is his encouraging the lady to shoot the skunk while he is in the line of fire. This, too, is highly suspect, if not deadly, behavior. Why would he do this?
  • After being struck in the abdomen by a large calibre handgun bullet, will this Aggie guy live long enough to learn a lesson from his Dumbassery?
  • Let’s hope so.
  • Did this moron not realize that a dead skunk stinks just as bad as a live one can when provoked? That smell doesn’t just dry up because the furry little fuck has assumed room temperature.
  • Who amongst us is stoopid enough to pick up a dead skunk and move it elsewhere? 
  • Not me.

There are probably another hundred or so questions that could be asked at this time, but I think we have covered the basics.

So there you have it, Dumbass Horde. The shallow end of the gene pool has reared its ugly head yet again and man faces death by Dumbassery. I just hope the guy recovers from his wounds……so we can make up Aggie jokes about him.

Now you know what an Aggie is. It’s just another word for …

…Dumbass.

***Hat tip to Dumbass Matt Vaughn***

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Woman Aims for Skunk, Shoots Dumbass Instead!

Boy hidee, I gotta tell you that we are loaded with Dumbasses today, folks. And when I say “loaded”, I mean loaded as in a gun.

And it’s funny you should ask, because this story revolves (pun intended) around a firearm. So, let’s take aim at the Dumbasses in our story.

Where

Where: College Station, Texas, home of Texas A & M University and the Aggie Nation. For those of you around the country, or the world for that matter, Aggies are a “special” breed of Texan. And by “special” I mean Natural Born Dumbasses. In Texas, we make fun of Aggies the way people in the Northeast make fun of the Irish or Polish or any other ethnic group. If you know a good Irish/Polish/Ethnic joke, simply insert the word “Aggie” for “Irish” or “Polish” or any ethnicity and you’ll have the definition of an Aggie.

For example: How many Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group/Aggies does it take to get dinner? The answer is two (2). One to watch out for traffic.

See what I mean? That’s an Aggie for you.

What

WARNING!

A skunk.

Who

A Dumbass and his wife, co-starring a pistol.

The Problem

It seems as if this innocent skunk had wandered into the Dumbasses yard one night. So, he comes up with this Great Plan to Eradicate the Skunk Once and for All. This GPTETSOAFA would involve a pistola. let inject here the fact that Texans are rather proud of their firearms and their ability to use them as needed. This includes shooting spouses who are Dumbasses.

Let me splain.

I told you that the skunk was in the guy’s yard and he says, “Honey! There’s a skunk in the yard! let’s go blast that little bastard to Kingdom Come!” The wife agrees. So she grabs a gun and outside they head searching for their unsuspecting prey. Skunks are unsuspecting because they are stoopid. But if you had a weapon like the spray a skunk can lay on you, you’d be unsuspecting too. But I digress.

Outside the couple goes and within a few seconds they spot the intruder, the skunk. Here’s where a shitload of Dumbassery comes into play. For some reason, the Dumbass is gonna let his wife shoot the skunk rather than do it himself. Why, I don’t know, but I do know that that is a decision that he will regret for the rest of his life. If he lives.

Aim This Way, Sweetie!

The Dumbass goes on the opposite side of the skunk from the lady with a loaded gun! “Just squeeze the trigger, Sugar Puss”. So, Sugar Puss takes careful aim at her quarry, waits for just the right second and BAM! That’s when the Dumbass felt a burning sensation in his belly. The burning sensation of a .45 calibre bullet!

The skunk got away. The guy hit the ground with a bullet in his gut.

I smell questions coming up here.

Questions

  • Why did he think that shooting a skunk was the way to get it rid of it? At a safe distance, (a skunk can spray from 7 to 15 feet, so 16 feet from the bidness end of the skunk is considered a safe distance) simply go outside, make a shit load of obnoxious noise, like the Aggie War Hymn, and the little stinker will haul ass outta there like somebody stuck a Roman Candle up his ass. ***I will caution you at this point, that stuffing a Roman candle up a skunk’s ass is not a highly recommended activity. Loud noise will do just fine.***
  • Even though the Dumbass in Question is an Aggie, he should have known that standing in front of the business end of a .45 is not a good idea. Why would he do this?
  • Further exacerbating the situation is his encouraging the lady to shoot the skunk while he is in the line of fire. This, too, is highly suspect, if not deadly, behavior. Why would he do this?
  • After being struck in the abdomen by a large calibre handgun bullet, will this Aggie guy live long enough to learn a lesson from his Dumbassery?
  • Let’s hope so.
  • Did this moron not realize that a dead skunk stinks just as bad as a live one can when provoked? That smell doesn’t just dry up because the furry little fuck has assumed room temperature.
  • Who amongst us is stoopid enough to pick up a dead skunk and move it elsewhere? 
  • Not me.

There are probably another hundred or so questions that could be asked at this time, but I think we have covered the basics.

So there you have it, Dumbass Horde. The shallow end of the gene pool has reared its ugly head yet again and man faces death by Dumbassery. I just hope the guy recovers from his wounds……so we can make up Aggie jokes about him.

Now you know what an Aggie is. It’s just another word for …

…Dumbass.

***Hat tip to Dumbass Matt Vaughn***

Longhorns, Aggies, Cursing Dolls & Dumbass of the Year Nominees

Adios Aggies

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone and we are steamrolling our way like Michael Moore after a triple decker bacon cheeseburger towards one of the Holiest days on the Christian calendar. I am speaking, of course, of New Years Eve! Yes, fellow Dumbasses, New Years Eve, a day when even the most devout among us partake of the Devil’s Water and perform stunts that they would condemn to hell anybody else who reveled in such a demonic way. Yes, this same self-righteous bastard who would wish you an eternity of wailing and the gnashing of teeth, will be running around on New Years Eve with a lamp shade on his head, his gazebos exposed in all their glory to reveal a temporary tattoo that reads “2012”.Let’s just hope for the dumbass’ sake that nobody tries to “pull the string” to see if “2012” lights up. I’m fairly certain that the idiot would light up like the National Christmas Tree if “the string were pulled”. I’m just sayin’.

What I am Thankful For

I am thankful you, fellow Dumbasses, each and every one of you from 120 countries around the globe. From Afghanistan to Zimbabwe and all countries and letters of the alphabet in between, I love you all. Even the Aggies. Side note for Aggies: 27-25. Have fun getting your asses handed to you in the SEC next year. It was fun for 118 years. Tradition-killing assholes. And I say that with love in my heart. Hook ’em Horns!

We now return you to your normal Dumbass Programming…I never knew that there that many dumbasses in that many countries. Now if I could get a few of you dumbasses in each of those 120 countries to support me in my effort to bring you the finest Dumbass News & Commentary to be found on the web. By support, I don’t mean moral support, I mean hit the damn “Donate” button on the top right of the sidebar. I’m not asking for $100 a month from you. $5 a month from a lot of you would “encourage” me enough to continue writing this shit despite what PETA and Moose Limbs think. Remember, I am your Standard Bearer, your Fearless Leader, the only guy you know who’s stoopid enough to write this drivel on a daily basis and I am the Head Dumbass! Besides, I need a new laptop. The one I am using now was ruined when I spilled Spam Soup all over the keyboard and into the guts of the machine. It ain’t a purty sight.

One More Quick Thing –  Don’t forget soon we’ll be naming our 2nd Annual Dumbass of tthe Year before you know it, so go through the blog archives and pick out your nominee. Email nominations to realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com or leave them in the comments. There are dozens of worthy candidates for this prestigious honor, so choose carefully, grass-hoppah.

  • The Cursing Doll. A Dumbass Christmas gift if there ever was one. Read about the little bimbo right here.
  • Do your neighbors complain that your big ass flat panel TV and home theater system are disturbing them at all hours? Show the whiny bastards this story , then tell them to shut the fuck up and be grateful that they don’t live near that monstrosity.
  • There are few people more rude and sneering, knowing they have your life in their hands, than state DMV workers. Ohio DMV  employees are the cream of the crop, or as we in Dumbassville say, the green turd in the punch bowl. 

Get those Dumbass of the Year nominations in soon and enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend. And hit the damn “Donate” button!

Dumbasses.

Ohio DMV: Prudes and Dumbasses

Unbridled Hatred

I love college football. In one way it’s too bad that the season is winding down. On the other hand, it’s time for some of the greatest rivalries in the game. This week alone we have Texas vs Texas A&M (Hook ’em Horns!), the Georgia Bulldogs play the Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech and The Big House in Ann Arbor, Michigan will be the site of one of college football’s greatest and most fierce rivalries as The Ohio State University visits the Wolverines of Michigan. I lived in Ohio for a while and let me tell you first hand how much OSU and its fans hate UM. Besides the normal fuck Michigan and Michigan sucks stuff, Buckeye fans take their animosity a little bit further. Taking it further meaning all the way their vanity license plates. Ohioans pay damn good money for those plates then the Department of Dumbasses at the Ohio Department of Motor Vee-hickles pull the rug right out from under them (the citizens) by declining their request for certain phrases on vanity plates.

Banned

The pussies at the Ohio DMV have denied requests for some stoopid phrases on vanity plates The to me seem relatively harmless. For example, one banned plate was simply “FMICHIGN”. What the is the problem with that? Not a damn thing. Another doomed plate: “HATEMI”. There other examples of this bullshit but I’ll spare you the details since these two are among “the worst” requests. C’mon, Ohio DMV, man up you bitches! Grow a pair! “KILBLU”! <—That’s on the no-no list too.I understand the need to keep the need to keep things family friendly, but holy shot, people. I can think of several slogans for vanity plates that would be inappropriate for public display. How about “FUKDBLU” or ‘MICH812″. Another good one would be “DMVRDUMASSES”. It’s a little long for a typical license plate, but maybe they could write it really small so it would fit. Where is the Freedom of Speech when you need it??!! I mean, if a guy from Ohio can’t say (on a vanity plate) that “MICHEATSSWAMPDONKEYBALLS”, what has this country come to? I am appalled! And disappointed. I’d look forward to seeing some visitors from Ohio here in Maine with a cool slogan on it supporting Ohio State. I can see it now…“CHRLEDRSATUMDONTEATTHEYGRAZE”. It’s all good clean fun that is an honored tradition in such athletic competition. But all the generations of carrying on with the spirit of thinking the other team is stomped out, nay, “SLOTRD” by a bunch of  “FUKRS” at the Ohio DMV. Old bastards who wouldn’t know fun if it gave them a lap dance.

“OHIODMVSUXPIGSHITTHRUASTRAW”.

Dumbasses.