Category: Texas

Daylight Savings Time: The Shocking Truth!

Happy Good Friday!

I am taking the day off from blogging, but I came up with a post I wrote last year about this (Daylight Savings) time, so it’s still kinda topical. I hope you enjoy it. 

Adios,
Toby
Fearless Leader

Before we get into the meat of today’s Dumbass post, I must pass on a (cue fanfare and Professional Radio Announcer Voice) Dumbass Public Service Announcement! I hope you Dumbasses in the United States remembered to “spring forward” by setting your clocks and watches forward an hour for Daylight Savings Time. 48 1/2 states observe DST. Parts of Indiana and all of Arizona do not take place in this annual event (unless things have recently changed), making it much harder for the dumbasses of those states to figure out when their favorite reality show comes on TV. But, hey, that’s part of being a Dumbass. DST runs into November which means Americans have to endure one less hour of the Obama presidency. But that’s a subject for another day. I bring it only to give hope to all US citizens and illegal aliens that the end of the Great Experiment in Socialism in our beloved Republic is nigh.

WTF is DST?

I ain’t sure. I just know that the sun comes up and goes down later than normal. During Plain Old Dumbass News, the sun comes up really early here in Maine. It looks like High Noon at 5 AM. It takes some time to get used to. With DST in effect, we have to wait til 6 AM! In addition, it doesn’t get completely dark until close to 10 PM! I must say though, that this allows me many hours of decimating the fish population of the Pine Tree State. Fish.Fear.Me.

Spring Forward

Time, or POT as we call it on

As far as Daylight Savings Times goes, it doesn’t really “save” any daylight. So why don’t they call it “The Sun Comes Up and Sets Later Time”. Dumbasses. I have neither time nor the inclination to go into the whole DST Thing in this post, so I’ll refer you to this info from Wikipedia.

The Shocking Truth!

According to some dumbass shit I found in a “Bing” search (Google is Evil; not that Microsoft is much better) Daylight Savings Times is all about money! Big Oil is the main culprit although there are other conspirators as well. Personally, I blame George W. Bush, Evil Oil Man and Bloodthirsty Hater of Minorities. But that’s just me. Read this bullshit and come to your own conclusions. This stuff sounds like it came straight from the Democrat National Committee. But, it tells the Shocking Truth! And that’s what Dumbass News is all about- the Shocking Truth! 


Back to Bed

All I know about DST is that I lost an hour’s sleep last night. This is not good. My wife has been sick with various forms of a cold, the flu and now bronchitis and a double ear infection. That means that for a few weeks that I have been Mom and Dad to two young children. What’s the big deal? I am 55 years old. My 9 year old is a great kid, except for when she gets sneaky about stuff. That’s to be expected though. She’s just a growing young lady finding her boundaries. But my 5 year, that’s another story. She’s like a West Texas Tornado destroying everything in her path. The kid is a one girl wrecking crew. Thankfully, there have been no deaths associated with this phenomenon.

Now that I know the Shocking Truth, I can sleep in peace. And expect the sun to rise at 5 AM instead of 4 AM. Oh the joy. Wait! The Texas Tornado wakes up about an hour before the sun comes up! I am a dead man.

But at least I know the Shocking Truth.

Dumbasses.

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Flaming Snake Burns Down Two Houses!

Note to New Dumbasses: There’s not much we won’t cover here at Dumbass News. Dumbasses of any shape, size, color, nationality, sexual persuasion or gender will be vilified to the High Heavens, provided of course that vilification is necessary to the plot.

The only off limits topics will be the Dumbassification of my Mother, the Pope and My Favorite Protestant, the Reverend Billy Graham.

Your mother? Fair game. The Dolly Llama? In the Dumbass Cross Hairs. The “Reverends” Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton? Screw ’em.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

Hot Stuff

Today’s story has a familiar ring to it – Dumbasses and fire.

We have, on several occasions, brought to your attention incidents where the interaction of Dumbasses with open flames have been met with, shall we say, unpleasantness. No, we shall not. We shall say “disaster”.

Remember the guy who set a parade float aflame?

How about the couple that went ape shit and attacked a car with a flaming tampon!

Then there’s the one where the guy was trying to get rid of a nest of spiders with a blowtorch! He got rid of the spiders alright. He also got rid of his house. This story is a perfect segue into the Dumbassery that lies ahead….

The Snake and the Dumbass

A Lady Dumbass down in Liberty Eylau, Texas was doing a little spring cleaning around her property when she made a startling discovery – a snake! Running across a snake while living in rural Texas happens all the time. What makes this story so unusual is how the Lady Dumbass reacted to the situation.

When all the sudden coming face to face with a snake, most Texans I know would do one of two things:

  1. Grab a shovel, garden hoe or some other equally lethal farming implement, and beat the scaly serpent repeatedly until he was graveyard dead.
  2. The more commonly used method in dealing with a venomous viper is utilize something along the lines of a 12 gauge shotgun and blast that motherfucker to smithereens.

Then there’s the Dumbass Way.

Gasoline and a match.

Yes, the Lady Dumbass went Full Tilt Boogie Dumb Fuck and poured 87 octane gasoline on the snake and then pitched a match on it. While this would ordinarily be a very effective, if not stoopid, method of sending an unwanted snake to his Maker,  a snake that has been turned into a writhing mass of flame tends to be what many would say is “unpredictable”. Many would be correct.

This particular Snake Flambe headed straight for some underbrush.

The Scientific Method clearly states that “a snake that has been set afire by a Lady Dumbass will, proportional to the level of pain while burning like a marshmallow over a camp fire, seek refuge in the nearest pile of dry kindling”. This is what is known as “starting a brush fire”. And a house fire. Make that two house fires. A neighboring home was also damaged in the conflagration.

Liberty Eylau Fire Chief David Wesslehoft said (I swear in the Name of All That is Holy I ain’t makin’ this up) that “it’s not unusual for burning animals to start a fire.”

I have nothing further to add.

#HeadDesk

Dumbass.

***Image from okcfox.com***

Video Added! Sad "Dumbass News": King of Streaking to Retire His Birthday Suit

It’s a sad day in the World of Dumbassery.

The Most Prolific Streaker in the History of Nekkididity is retiring.

The Daily Mail has the nekkid truth.

Fare thee well.

Dumbass.

***Hat tip to @doubledittos on Twitter***

Nekkid House Cleaning, Texas Style!

FiFi

Lubbock, Texas. The Hub City. Located in the Llano Estacado (Staked Plains) of West Texas, Lubbock ain’t a bad little city. It’s home to Texas Tech University and the Red Raiders. I have been to Lubbock on a few occasions but not in many years. I remember it as a very conservative place where you actually had to leave the city limits to buy a six pack of beer. that may still be true, but Lubbock is a bit less conservative these days than way back then.

Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock made it so.

Nekkid House Cleaning

The idea behind Fantasy Maid Service is for you to hire out a maid from them and she will come to your house to clean it up the way it should be cleaned up. This is a great idea for bachelors who are too busy chasing split tail deer at the bars near the Texas Tech Campus to do a proper house cleaning. especially if Mom & Dad are coming for a visit.

What (lifts and) separates Fantasy from other such business in Lubbock is that the girls from Fantasy will clean your home in various stages of undress right in front of the customer, if of course the client is over 18 years old.

Nekkid Maids Love the Cops & Military Guys! (and Girls, too…maybe)

At this point, I feel it is better for me to copy and paste some information directly and unedited from the Fantasy web site, but the site blocks me from doing so! bwahahahahahahaha

You’ve got to see this shit to believe it, so I’ll give you a quick summary of the pertinent information, then you can click on the link that will follow so you can verify that what I am telling you is 100% true!

The Fantasy strippers maids also work parties pouring drinks and serving “appetizers” to party guests. I’ll bet. They heartily recommend two maids to work your party. I would assume that a single maid would get worn out too quickly to provide satisfactory service all night long. Let me stress here that Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock goes out of their way to point out that they are not an adult oriented business. I agree. Who in the world could possibly see a business that provides scantily clad or nekkid young women to clean homes or waitress at parties as an adult oriented venture? Certainly not me. I am all for the public display of boobs of all sizes, shapes and colors at any given time. provided of course that the boobs on public display are at least 18 years of age.

The owners of Fantasy Maids are not just people who rent out nekkid bimbos for house cleaning and parties, they are also community supporters! Why, they even offer a discount to cops, fire fighters and military members and vets! God bless America!

That’s a thumbnail sketch of what Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock is all about, but it is only fair that I provide a link to their website and let you see first hand what the hookers girls are expected to and not to do and some other shit. Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock.

Hooter Showing is a Right!

I feel compelled to alert you king hearted Dumbasses to the fact that this has not been all peaches and cream for Fantasy Maid Service. The Lubbock Police Department, at the behest of the Lubbock County District Attorney I would presume, are demanding that Fantasy pony up for a license that designates it as an adult oriented bidness. The owners of the nekkid maid place say they ain’t buyin’ it because they ain’t an adult oriented bidness. The cops retort that no license means a $2000 a day fine for Fantasy Maids! Two. Large. A. Day. The poor employees of Fantasy would have to show a ton of boobage to make up for a two grand a day penalty.

I say to the owners and maids of Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock : Fight back!

Tits for Tat

I have an idea that’ll turn this situation into a Public Relations nightmare for the prudes at City Hall and a financial windfall for Fantasy Maids!

Get all the maids at Fantasy and as many Texas Tech coeds and other young female owners of Sweater Puppies to go to the very steps of Lubbock City Hall and show them your knockers! If dozens of pairs of supple breasts are on prominent display right in Downtown Lubbock, imagine the media coverage to be had! imagine all the curious (and horny) young men of the Hub City that would show up in support (pun intended) of Fantasy Maid Service and demand that the City back off and harass some other local bidness persons! or minorities. Or wetbacks.

I would also urge that some enterprising Lubbobkidian get properly permitted by the powers that be in town and set up a refreshment stand! Hamburgers, hot dogs, french fries, burritos! Beer! Soda! make it a fucking party that the City of Lubbock will NEVER forget!

Be sure to take along your video cam and shoot as much footage as possible for posting on YouTube. As the brains behind this revolutionary concept, I get first shot at any and all video and/or photos taken at this event! 


You should alert  any and all media (TV, Radio, Newspapers,Blogs) well ahead of time in order to get maximum exposure! (pun intended again)

It’s Now in Your Hands, Lubbock!

I have given you a starting point in which to rally around the good titties people of Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock and fight the dickweeds that want to suppress boobies everywhere. I fully expect that you will keep me up to date on how things go during the Tits for Tat Protest and Exravaganza. I can be reached at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com.

Do your part, Lubbock! Show the world that your Sweater Puppies will not be impounded!

Make the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde proud!

Long live tits!

And Dumbasses!

Cyber Crime Solved by Online Pic of Boobs!

Have You Seen These Hooters?

Certain subject matter draws readers to this blog like a candy store brings in fat kids. If you were to go to the “Dumbass Search” feature located in the left side bar and typed in nekkid, tattoos or boobs, you would come up with the most popular posts this blog has put forth. I have written some outstanding articles dealing with other material, but nekkid, tattoos and boobs are hands down the favorite topics of the Dumbass Horde. I am all for nekkididity and sweater puppies, but tattoos, not so much. Hit up those three links and you’ll see exactly what kind of perverted Dumbasses I get reading my award-worthy filth. You can thank me later.

I am all for nekkididity and sweater puppies, but tattoos, not so much. So for today, boobs it is!

Positive I.D.

Usually when a crime is committed, the bad guy leaves behind some tell tale piece of evidence that leads directly to his identification. You know what I mean…a finger print for example. Some Dumbasses have even left behind their driver’s license at the scene of the dirty deed.

When a crime is committed in cyber space, stuff like an IP address will lead straight to the culprit. That is not always the case, however.

Allow me to elucidate. For those of you in Washington,DC, that means “let me splain”.

The Hacker

Down on the Sinkin’ Sandbar that is Galveston, Texas, is a Meskin Dumbass named Higinio Ochoa. Evidently, Higgy is pretty sharp when it comes to hacking into highly sensitive data bases like those of law enforcement agencies and he did just that to some cop shops Down Under. The Aussie Fuzz was not amused.

After much highly technical cyber sleuthing trying to locate the asswipe that compromised their not for public consumption data, the Australian authorities found their cyber way to an offshoot group of computer hackers affiliated with internet meanies “Anonymous”. this is where Ochoa come and a pair of knockers come in to play.

The Boobs Tell All

As much as I don’t like doing it, I must reproduce a goodly portion of the source article for this post that I found on c|net.com.

“Ochoa allegedly used a Twitter account to direct people to a Web site when all the law enforcement information he’d supposedly hacked was on display.
Also on display was a picture of a woman, her breasts lowering themselves tantalizingly toward the camera, with a sign beneath them reading: “”PwNd by w0rmer & CabinCr3w ❤ u BiTch’s”.
Now CabinCr3w is the apparent name of an Anonymous offshoot. And the “w0rmer” part? Well, the Twitter account linking people to the site was @AnonW0rmer.
However, the photograph of the breasts apparently linked authorities to Ochoa — because, taken with an iPhone, it contained GPS information. The information allegedly suggested she lived in Melbourne, Australia.
Further burrowing led the police to discover a posting on Ochoa’s Facebook page that allegedly revealed his girlfriend was Australian.
The claim is that police have managed to match pictures of her that Ochoa allegedly posted on Facebook to the breast image.”  

Amazing.

Astonished

I have heard of suspects being linked to crimes through DNA taken from cigarette butts, clues obtained from their curb side garbage and even tattoos. But I can say with 100% certainty, that, although I have seen several pair of nice, cuddly sweater puppies, I have never been able to identify a set of heat seeking missiles with nothing more than a cell phone camera photograph.

I am shocked and awed by the industriousness of the Australian cops in finding an exact match of the hooters in question on a small island in the Gulf of Mexico, a half world away. These guys are my new heroes.

I salute you.

As for Ochoa the Hacker, next time take a picture of your girlfriend’s pelvic area tattoo. If you’ve seen one muffin tattoo, you’ve seen ’em all. Unless the muffin is being chased down by the Wizards of Oz.

Dumbass.

Gun Control: Good Guy Controls Gun, Bad Guy Goes to Jail

Until last week, James Gerow was just a guy living in Springtown, Texas, a small town northwest of Fort Worth.

Enter Christopher Lance Moore. Make that “break and enter” Christopher Lance Moore.

The Burglary 

Lance Moore, Dipshit

This past Tuesday, James was sound asleep only to be awakened by some late night noise in his house. Upon awakening, James was confronted by a man in a hoodie. This man, Christopher Lance Moore, was an uninvited guest in the Gerow home.

This is when James grabbed his gun. This is also when Christopher Lance Moore ran like somebody stuck a rocket up his ass.

The Chase

James Gerow, Good Guy & Gun Control Expert

With gun in hand, Gerow convinced the man to drop his keys. He told his wife to call 911 and waited for deputies to arrive.
“I pointed the gun at him and asked him who he is and what the hell he was doing in my house,” Gerow said. “He said his name was Lance, and I said, ‘Lance, what the hell are you doing in my house?’
“And he said, ‘unlucky.’ Just unlucky.”

So here’s Lance in his truck with no keys and a pissed off Texan pointing a large caliber handgun at him. What does Lance do now? Naturally he calls 9-1-1! “I’m out in the country somewhere and some guy’s got a gun on me,” he said on the call. Later when being questioned by Parker County Sheriff’s Deputies, Lance admitted to having “bad intentions”.

Christopher Lance Moore has been charged with burglary of a habitation with bad intentions, his future as a Prison Bitch secure.

Gun Control 

Yes, Gun Control. It was James Gerow’s control of a bad ass pistol that that prevented Christopher Lance Moore’s “bad intentions” from turning into something potentially tragic for James Gerow and his family.

What say you, Bob Costas? Buehler? Anyone?

Oh, yeah…one more minor point: Christopher Lance Moore should thank God every day for the rest of his miserable life that James Gerow did not blow his sorry ass to Kingdom Come, which he could have easily and legally done.

Gun Control at its finest, Lance.

Dumbass.

Twinkies: Death By Dumbass

R I P

Twinkies are dead! Long live Twinkies!

One of the most talked about stories on the internet yesterday was the tale of the death of Twinkies. And Ding Dongs. And Ho Hos. And Wonder Bread. And several other brands of bread like Nature’s Pride ®, Merita®, Home Pride®, Butternut®, and Beefsteak®. 

Hostess’ closure means that it will also shut down 33 bakeries, 565 distribution centers, approximately 5,500 delivery routes and 570 bakery outlet stores throughout the United States. 

Why?

Simply put: The Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union (BCTGM).

Here’s why: The Genius Leaders of the BCTGM decided to call a strike against Hostess, which of course is their right. But the time to go on strike was not so good. You see, Hostess was in the middle of reorganizing under Chapter 11 Bankruptcy! I’m not a Genius Union Leader or a bidnessman, but it is my understanding that trying to coerce more  money and even better benefits from a company undergoing bankruptcy proceedings is not a particularly sound strike stategy. But what do I know?

Did I mention that the Union was asked to take an 8% pay cut while Hostess was reorganizing? I was told through a reliable source that his neighbor, a Hostess employee, would take a pay cut from $18 an hour to somewhere around $16 per hour! Oh! The sacrifice! Hostess says that their last best offer to the Union was made in September! From the Hostess website, Hostess Brands is unprofitable under its current cost structure, much of which is determined by union wages and pension costs. The offer to the BCTGM included wage, benefit and work rule concessions but also gave Hostess Brands’ 12 unions a 25 percent ownership stake in the company, representation on its Board of Directors and $100 million in reorganized Hostess Brands’ debt.

Bottom Line 

The end result of all this lunacy is that 18,500 Americans are out of a job and Hostess Brands, Inc is kaput. All thanks to 5000 members of the BCTGM and their corrupt, greed-infested Genius Union Leaders, who by the way still have jobs! The Main Genius Union Leader at BCTGM knocks out in the neighborhood of a quarter million dollars a year in salary and benefits. At least he’ll have a nice holiday season.

You put your faith in a bunch of Jackass Union Thugs and you got what you asked for. 13,500 other non-BCTGM Hostess employees, including many in my hometown of Irving, Texas, also got shit canned because you and your “leadership” got what you asked for. Oh, yeah! There are at least 23 million other unemployed Americans that would love to have a job paying ten bucks an hour, much less $16 an hour plus benefits. Now you’ve joined them in the unemployment line. Nice.

I take no joy in writing this post because I hate to see bad things happen to my fellow Americans. It just pisses me off that so many good people were led astray by and will suffer because of a few assholes (read: Genius Union Leaders) who have their heads so far up their rectums they can count the polyps on their colons.

Dumbasses.