Category: Texting

Texting: Dumbass Drug Dealers’ Tool of Choice

Lookin’ Out My Front Door

As I sit here writing this, a blizzard rages outside. Check out the photo at the right. I took it at 8:00AM EST. And just think we’ve only got about eight more hours of this! 

Damn, I miss Texas.

I have a confession to make. I am a Gizmo-holic. Yes, I have traveled the rough and treacherous technological road to Gizmo-holism. I love gizmos and gadgets. Desktop computers, laptop computers, iPads, GPS and all the cool little gizmo enhancers that go with them. I do not yet own all these electronic wonders. I will soon, though. Count on it.

I do have a problem, however, with cell phones. While in many instances cell phones prove to be life savers and just plain old handy. But, I do not like them very much. One of the most popular features of today’s cell phones is the ability to text a friend or family member. I am still trying to figure out why you would text someone when right there in your greedy capitalist pig hand is a $500 cell phone – a cell phone hundreds of times more powerful than the first computers! A phone to me means a phone call! Fuck texting. Use the damn phone for what it is made for –  making phone calls! Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything? Good Gawd, y’all.

Now, having said all that shit, I have written a few posts on dumbasses with cell phones who end up, shall we say, fucked. To see what I mean look here and here, and you’ll find dumbasses and their cell phones are not a particularly good combination. Well, guess what? I have come across another dumbass-with-a-cell-phone texting instead of making a phone call story. Go figger.

There’s this chick named Amy who like millions of other Americans has a cell phone. And like millions of other Americans she texts her friends, family and business associates. Of course, by “business associates”, I mean people to sell narcotics to. In a situation like this, texting is a real dumbfuck thing to do, but, being a mental midget, Amy texts her customers to meet her at Place A to pick up some stash. What Amy forgets is that if you text your “come buy drugs from me” message to the wrong number, the text is still there for the receiving party to read. A text of this nature in the “wrong” hands could be bad news for Amy. And it was. She sent her text meassage to a cop! Well, the cop’s face lit up like a fat kid at Chuck E. Cheese when he saw the text. Long story short, Amy got busted and now shares a cell (<— I made a funny) at the State Hilton with Marlene “Butch” Abernathy, the 3 Time defending Toughest Lesbian in the State Hilton award winner. Amy can look forward to fun and games with the other “girls” and probably write a book and go on Dr. Phil and become a millionaire ex-con bimbo. or a Cinemax at Night soft porn star recounting her days as a sex toy to a 6’3″ Lesbian in State Prison. Sick ain’t it?

I am jealous.

Dumbass.

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Selling Drugs Via Texting…To a Cop!

Best of Dumbass News

I have a confession to make. I am a Gizmo-holic. Yes, I have traveled the rough and treacherous technological road to Gizmo-holism. I love gizmos and gadgets. desktop computers, laptop computers, iPads, GPS and all the cool little gizmo enhancers that go with them. I do not yet own all these electronic wonders. I will soon, though. Count on it.

I do have a problem, however, with cell phones. While in many instances cell phones prove to be life savers and just plain old handy. But, I do not like them very much. One of the most popular features of today’s cell phones is the ability to text a friend or family member. I am still trying to figure out why you would text someone when right there in your greedy capitalist pig hand is a $500 cell phone – a cell phone hundreds of times more powerful than the first computers! A phone to me means a phone call! Fuck texting. Use the damn phone for what it is made for –  making phone calls! Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything? Good Gawd, y’all.

Now, having said all that shit, I have written a few posts on dumbasses with cell phones who end up, shall we say, fucked. To see what I mean look here and here, and you’ll find dumbasses and their cell phones are not a particularly good combination. Well, guess what? I have come across another dumbass-with-a-cell-phone texting instead of making a phone call story. Go figger.

There’s this chick named Amy who like millions of other Americans has a cell phone. And like millions of other Americans she texts her friends, family and business associates. Of course, by “business associates”, I mean people to sell narcotics to. In a situation like this, texting is a real dumbfuck thing to do, but, being a mental midget, Amy texts her customers to meet her at Place A to pick up some stash. What Amy forgets is that if you text your “come buy drugs from me” message to the wrong number, the text is still there for the receiving party to read. A text of this nature in the “wrong” hands could be bad news for Amy. And it was. She sent her text meassage to a cop! Well, the cop’s face lit up like a fat kid at Chuck E. Cheese when he saw the text. Long story short, Amy got busted and now shares a cell (<— I made a funny) at the State Hilton with Marlene “Butch” Abernathy, the 3 Time defending Toughest Lesbian in the State Hilton award winner. Amy can look forward to fun and games with the other “girls” and probably write a book and go on Dr. Phil and become a millionaire ex-con bimbo. or a Cinemax at Night soft porn star recounting her days as a sex toy to a 6’3″ Lesbian in State Prison. Sick ain’t it? I am jealous.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Texts & Drives…Plummets Over Cliff!

You know, this blog ain’t just about making fun of people. We sometimes offer valuable life lessons. Take this post from yesterday for example. How many other blogs offer advice on how to become a Prison Bitch? Quick! Name one! Can’t, can you? That’s just the kind of priceless public service we at Dumbass News offer on a daily basis.

I mean, we don’t always offer Prison Bitch Lessons, but we do cater to a very diverse demographic of Dumbasses. Why, just a few days ago,we helped console a Chinese Dumbass on how to cope on the loss of his penis to knife-wielding jealous boyfriends. Just go to the Dumbass Search Box on the left and type in the word “negro”. You’ll immediately see the results of our outreach to those of African Heritage. Mostly we pick on White Guys, but that’s cool. I am a white guy and I know that too many of us are real Dumbasses and have little to offer society. I am, however, doing my best to use my position of Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde to steer Stoopid as Fuck White Guys into the realm of Normal Dumbassery.

You can thank me later, Stoopid as Fuck White Guys.

Texting is a Pox on Mankind

I have long extolled the Dumbassery involved in texting on your cell phone. texting, to me is stoopid in and of itself. I mean, your are holding a $400 cell PHONE in your hand, typing a message to someone on the other end. Am I in the minority here in believing that a cell phone is to be used for making phone calls? A phone call from your iPhone can easily be done with one hand or even with no hands, depending on your personal comfort level in Geekery.

Don’t even get me started on texting and driving.

Dumbass.

Woops! Too late, Dumbass!

Former Stoopid as Fuck White Guy

You notice that I wrote “Former” Stoopid as Fuck White Guy? I did that on purpose. The FSAFWG i am talking about is a lucky sonuvabitch just to be breathing my air. Why is he so lucky and what damn near killed him? Texting damn near killed him. He was driving at the time! Ironically, just before he went over a cliff (I am not making this up) his last text was “I need to stop texting because I could die in a car accident”. that’s when the FSAFWG met the bottom of the cliff. THUD!

The Dumbass suffered some serious as shit injuries including a broken neck, crushed face, fractured skull and traumatic brain injuries. All this for a fucking text message? Give. Me. A. Fucking. Break. Did I forget to tell you that doctors had to bring the FSAFWG back to life three times? Now you know.

I think I also neglected to say that today the guy is telling his story, but the accident that nearly killed him while he was texting and driving took place SIX MONTHS ago! Long and painful rehab anyone?

Lesson Learned

I am not here to bust the dude up over this deal, but he deserves it nonetheless. I am sure he would tell you the same thing. Oh, wait! He says of texting and driving,, “They just need to understand, don’t do it. Don’t do it. It’s not worth losing your life,” he said. “I went to my grandmother’s funeral not long ago, and I kept thinking, it kept jumping into my head, I’m surprised that’s not me up in that casket. I came very close to that, to being gone forever.” 


So, there you have it. Straight from the Dumbass’ mouth.

Heed or bleed. It’s up to you.

Dumbass.

Texting for Dumbasses

I am a technology nut. I love gizmos and gadgets – cell phones, GPS, audio equipment, the new high tech TVs, software and of course, computers and the peripherals that go with them . I am not an expert on electronic playthings by any stretch of the imagination, but I can get around them pretty good.

As much as I love to jack around with expensive electronics, I have a pet peeve about cell phones. Texting. I see absolutely no value in texting unless you are bored with the sermon at Church or in a public library, then all bets are off. I wouldn’t text in Church, however, because the Lord can kick your ass in mysterious ways. In the library, even the Man Upstairs doesn’t care.

Weird Texts

On December 17, 2010 I wrote about my experience with a strange text message on my new cell phone. Here’s the deal: ” Come on over. I have the dope and it’s some good shit. And we’ve got lots of it.” I thought to myself that having this text on my cell phone record might not be a very good thing. Long story short, I called the cops they were very familiar with Shawn, so they took all the info they needed and left. To this day, I have heard nothing else about this incident. But, I’d be willing to bet that Shawn is not a happy dumbass at this moment.”

still don’t know what happened after that.

A couple of months later I wrote about a web site called Texts From Last Night . TFLN has some hilarious texts made by dumbasses from every spectrum of the Dumbass Horde. One outstanding example of what people actually text their friends about is this beauty:

Actual Screenshot
  Favorite

Replies (41) Good night (5385) Bad night (1201) Order T-Shirt
So romantic.

Dumbass Text of the Day

A guy in Edmonds, Washington was on the run from the law and the two felony arrest warrants that were issued for him. Nothing really new there. Jason Wrenchy thought he was successful in evading the cops. Then he sent a text. To a cop. Hilarity ensued.

Long story short…the policeman that got the text didn’t recognize the phone number it came from, so he decided to run it through the Police Computer to see to whom the number belonged. Yep. Jason Wrenchy. After discovering this information, the cop did some serious police work. He sent Brother Jason a text under an assumed name and arranged a meeting. Not knowing he was communicating with a cop, Jason willingly supplied his address.

Game over for Jason. He has since been housed courtesy of the State of Washington at the Penitentiary for the Criminally Dumbass. He has also changed his name to “June” and enjoys taking it up the ole Hershey Highway from other inmates with handles like “Spike” and “The Hammer” These days Jason/June doesn’t fart he “poofs” if you know what I mean and I think you do.

All this over a stoopid frakkin’ text message.

C U L8R.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Raaaaacist Flashback!

Raaaaacist in Chief

Hello, Dumbasses! It’s the weekend once again and that means it’s time for a Dumbass Flashback! Yes, a Dumbass Flashback, where I spends hours a couple of minutes playing eenie meenie miney moe searching my ass off, looking for stories from days gone by to fill space for your review or, in the case of new readers, first time viewing. I looked for these stories for hours on end damn near a minute and a half to find some stuff that will make you wanna puke excite you and delight you.

So, take ’em or leave ’em enjoy them till you heave to your heart’s content!

The Ice Kream Klan is Coming! – I wrote this piece back in October of 2011. A couple of nights ago I got an email alert that someone had made a comment on it. So I went to check it out and what ensued was comedy gold! Reading the comments from some dumbass Yankee trying to tell me that I am a bigot (a Texas bigot no less!) is flat out hilarious. As you would expect i stomped a verbal mudhole in that pussy boy and had a lot of fun doing so. In fact, it was so much fun, that my wife joined in on it! This is a MUST READ!

Dumbasses and Their Texts – Not only do dumbasses do some really stoopid shit, they text some really stoopid shit, too. There are so many examples of dumbassery that I had to link to the source so you could read ’em all. Prepare to be be laughing your ass off.


If Your Baby Says “Yuck”, He’s a Raaaaacist!– I put this in here in “honor” of the pencil dick commenter  in “The Ice Kream Klan” story who thought he was being so brave by taking me on in a battle of the Dumbasses. The babies that say “yuck” are obviously of Southern Heritage, as no self-respecting Yankee baby would ever say “yuck”.

Like I tell my kids, “That’s what’s on your plate, now eat it or don’t eat at all!”.

Have a great weekend y’all! And remember, you spell “raaaaacist” without 5 “a”s. Take it from a bigoted hick. And the Pencil Dick Commenter.

Dumbasses.

More "Dummies"! Outstanding Performance by a Dumbass While Texting

A Message for Dumbasses

Happy New Year, Dumbasses! 2012 is here and 2011 is a distant memory in the time/space continuum of life. Except for the Dumbasses. We still have more Fred G. Sanford Memorial You Big Dummy Awards to hand out! So let’s get started!

Yesterday we presented Dummies to some very worthy Dumbasses and today we have even more deserving Dumbasses waiting in the wings, or as we at Dumbass News call them, Port-o-Potties, to see which one of them will be the next Big Dummy!

Our first category today is Outstanding Performance  by a Dumbass While Texting! Yes, friends, even dumbasses have access to the latest technology, which should scare the hell outta all of us. A dumbass with a cell phone is not to be taken lightly. Unless you teach them to text. A texting dumbass will be behind bars (or dead) in the blink of an eye. That’s where this Dummy category comes in. You’ll understand more as I reveal the list of nominees for Outstanding Performance  by a Dumbass While Texting. 


Texting Dope Deals – The difference between a “regular” person text and a dumbass text is easy to understand. A “regular” person text will read something like: “Dinner at 6. Come by about 5:30″ and this text ends up on the right cell phone. Simple enough, huh? Not a for a dumbass it ain’t. A dumbass text goes like this: ‘We got some good coke. Come by 123 Main St. to get a few kilos”. This text ends up on the phone of ten year old boy! You know the kid. His Grandpa is a State Trooper! True story. Read it here.


Texts from Last Night – This is a Group Dummy Award, the first of its kind. The nominees are those whose texts have ended up on the website, Texts From Last Night.
There are some real dozzies over there and most of them are NSFW or safe for young kids. A sample text from TFLN? “I seriously found a rose petal in my vagina.” I ain’t makin’ this up. Oh! And that’s one of the more tame ones. Now I think you understand the nomination.

D. A. is for Dumbass You’d think a man in a position of Public Trust, such as a District Attorney, would know better than to use a cell phone (whose records can be traced in a matter of seconds!) for nefarious means. You’d be wrong if your DA was the DA for the Green Bay, Wisconsin area. Dude was caught sexting a woman who was the victim in a domestic violence case he was prosecuting! This is bad joo joo.

Our winner for  Outstanding Performance  by a Dumbass While Texting is…

The Dumbass D.A.!!! This man is a college educated, albeit he prolly got lawyered up at the U of Wisc-MadisonCommie-Pinko-Dipshit, man! The guy resigned right quick like. My question is this: Are these “sexts” a matter of public record? I’m just askin’.


Dumbass.

Bimbo Texts About Drugs for Sale – To a Cop!

Not Intended for Dumbass Use

I have a confession to make. I am a Gizmo-holic. Yes, I have traveled the rough and treacherous technological road to Gizmo-holism. I love gizmos and gadgets. desktop computers, laptop computers, iPads, GPS and all the cool little gizmo enhancers that go with them. I do not yet own all these electronic wonders. I will soon, though. Count on it.

I do have a problem, however, with cell phones. While in many instances cell phones prove to be life savers and just plain old handy. But, I do not like them very much. One of the most popular features of today’s cell phones is the ability to text a friend or family member. I am still trying to figure out why you would text someone when right there in your greedy capitalist pig hand is a $500 cell phone – a cell phone hundreds of times more powerful than the first computers! A phone to me means a phone call! Fuck texting. Use the damn phone for what it is made for –  making phone calls! Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything? Good Gawd, y’all.

Now, having said all that shit, I have written a few posts on dumbasses with cell phones who end up, shall we say, fucked. To see what I mean look here and here, and you’ll find dumbasses and their cell phones are not a particularly good combination. Well, guess what? I have come across another dumbass-with-a-cell-phone texting instead of making a phone call story. Go figger.

There’s this chick named Amy who like millions of other Americans has a cell phone. And like millions of other Americans she texts her friends, family and business associates. Of course, by “business associates”, I mean people to sell narcotics to. In a situation like this, texting is a real dumbfuck thing to do, but, being a mental midget, Amy texts her customers to meet her at Place A to pick up some stash. What Amy forgets is that if you text your “come buy drugs from me” message to the wrong number, the text is still there for the receiving party to read. A text of this nature in the “wrong” hands could be bad news for Amy. And it was. She sent her text meassage to a cop! Well, the cop’s face lit up like a fat kid at Chuck E. Cheese when he saw the text. Long story short, Amy got busted and now shares a cell (<— I made a funny) at the State Hilton with Marlene “Butch” Abernathy, the 3 Time defending Toughest Lesbian in the State Hilton award winner. Amy can look forward to fun and games with the other “girls” and probably write a book and go on Dr. Phil and become a millionaire ex-con bimbo. or a Cinemax at Night soft porn star recounting her days as a sex toy to a 6’3″ Lesbian in State Prison. Sick ain’t it? I am jealous.

Dumbass.