Category: Texts From Last Night

Dumbass Steals Guns from FBI Car!

I start off this post with a familiar refrain, “there is no shortage of Dumbasses that make finding material for Dumbass News easy as pie.” Today another group of Duimbasses is highlighted as being the most deserving idiots available in being honored (snicker, snicker) as Dumbasses of the Day.

The unique thing about this story is the fact that it has a “trickle down effect”. By that I mean that it started with a Dumbass at the Top and oozed down to a couple of other Dumbasses involved in the incident.

Burglary of a Car

Here’s the deal…Dumbass #1 broke into a car park in front of the car owner’s house. He stole some shit. By shit I mean a submachine gun, assault rifle, shotgun and some other jazz. (The Jazz includes: a “Remington 870 shotgun, a Colt M16 and an H&K MP-5 submachine gun were missing from the trunk. A bulletproof vest and various magazines and ammunition also were gone.” Thanks sfgate.com!) At this point, I am asking myself, “Fearless Leader Self, what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway?” I’ll tell you what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway. An FBI Agent, that’s what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway.

Will Trade for Pot

Enter “Trickle Down”.

A Whole Lotta Tricklin’ Goin’ On Out There

Scatter Gun

Now Dumbass #1 meets up with his compadre, whom we’ll call Dumbass #2 (clever, ain’t I?), and gives him the pilfered loot. Now, I am not a felon nor do I play one on TV, but I’m thinkin’ that if I do something this damn stoopid, I am gonna go Full Tilt Boogie Stoopid. Lead or follow, just get the hell outta my way.

Back to Dumbass #2…now this dumbfuck has all this stolen weaponry and is looking to ditch it as soon as possible. #2 takes all the guns and shit, spreads them all out on his bed and starts the sales process. By way of text messages! Now where have we heard about Dumbasses sending texts that end up gnawing their asses off? Oh, yeah, I remember. There’s the story of the guy selling dope by texting and one of his messages ends up on 10 year old’s cell phone. The 10 year old’s Grandpa is a State Trooper! Hilarity ensues. The website, Texts From Last Night (NSFW) has some outstanding text messages in their archives.

Bureau Formal Wear

Quickly recapping, Dumbass #2 got the stolen shit from Dumbass #1 and is texting out his sales pitch to other Dumbasses. Finally, he make s a “bidness arrangement” with, you guessed it, Dumbass #3. #2 has several thousand dollars worth of military grade weapons and what does he get in return for them? $120 and an ounce of pot. Depending on the quality of the weed, it could go for as much as a few hundred dollars an o-z <—a little drug dealer lingo there. That adds up to maybe 500 bucks. Not only is #2 a Dumbass, he’s a bad bidness man too.

Trickling Back Up   

Let the gurgling begin. Dumbass #3 screws up good enough to get busted and it was just a matter of time before Numbers 1 and 2 got popped and they did. That is what is called “climbing the ladder”. Kind of like baseball, but instead of balls and strikes, we’re dealing Dumbasses here. Also, there are no felonies in baseball. I think.

All three Dumbasses now face some serious Federal Pen time for stealing gubmint property and being in possession of guns they ain’t supposed to be in possession of. It’s just a matter of whether their new address will be in Sing Sing or Leavenworth.

Hopefully, our three actors will run into someone who can show ’em what a “sawed-off shotgun” is all about – our Dumbass News Adopted Felon Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams. When they “befriend” Leon, he’ll show ’em what assault with a deadly weapon is all about.

Dumbasses.

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Texting for Dumbasses

I am a technology nut. I love gizmos and gadgets – cell phones, GPS, audio equipment, the new high tech TVs, software and of course, computers and the peripherals that go with them . I am not an expert on electronic playthings by any stretch of the imagination, but I can get around them pretty good.

As much as I love to jack around with expensive electronics, I have a pet peeve about cell phones. Texting. I see absolutely no value in texting unless you are bored with the sermon at Church or in a public library, then all bets are off. I wouldn’t text in Church, however, because the Lord can kick your ass in mysterious ways. In the library, even the Man Upstairs doesn’t care.

Weird Texts

On December 17, 2010 I wrote about my experience with a strange text message on my new cell phone. Here’s the deal: ” Come on over. I have the dope and it’s some good shit. And we’ve got lots of it.” I thought to myself that having this text on my cell phone record might not be a very good thing. Long story short, I called the cops they were very familiar with Shawn, so they took all the info they needed and left. To this day, I have heard nothing else about this incident. But, I’d be willing to bet that Shawn is not a happy dumbass at this moment.”

still don’t know what happened after that.

A couple of months later I wrote about a web site called Texts From Last Night . TFLN has some hilarious texts made by dumbasses from every spectrum of the Dumbass Horde. One outstanding example of what people actually text their friends about is this beauty:

Actual Screenshot
  Favorite

Replies (41) Good night (5385) Bad night (1201) Order T-Shirt
So romantic.

Dumbass Text of the Day

A guy in Edmonds, Washington was on the run from the law and the two felony arrest warrants that were issued for him. Nothing really new there. Jason Wrenchy thought he was successful in evading the cops. Then he sent a text. To a cop. Hilarity ensued.

Long story short…the policeman that got the text didn’t recognize the phone number it came from, so he decided to run it through the Police Computer to see to whom the number belonged. Yep. Jason Wrenchy. After discovering this information, the cop did some serious police work. He sent Brother Jason a text under an assumed name and arranged a meeting. Not knowing he was communicating with a cop, Jason willingly supplied his address.

Game over for Jason. He has since been housed courtesy of the State of Washington at the Penitentiary for the Criminally Dumbass. He has also changed his name to “June” and enjoys taking it up the ole Hershey Highway from other inmates with handles like “Spike” and “The Hammer” These days Jason/June doesn’t fart he “poofs” if you know what I mean and I think you do.

All this over a stoopid frakkin’ text message.

C U L8R.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Raaaaacist Flashback!

Raaaaacist in Chief

Hello, Dumbasses! It’s the weekend once again and that means it’s time for a Dumbass Flashback! Yes, a Dumbass Flashback, where I spends hours a couple of minutes playing eenie meenie miney moe searching my ass off, looking for stories from days gone by to fill space for your review or, in the case of new readers, first time viewing. I looked for these stories for hours on end damn near a minute and a half to find some stuff that will make you wanna puke excite you and delight you.

So, take ’em or leave ’em enjoy them till you heave to your heart’s content!

The Ice Kream Klan is Coming! – I wrote this piece back in October of 2011. A couple of nights ago I got an email alert that someone had made a comment on it. So I went to check it out and what ensued was comedy gold! Reading the comments from some dumbass Yankee trying to tell me that I am a bigot (a Texas bigot no less!) is flat out hilarious. As you would expect i stomped a verbal mudhole in that pussy boy and had a lot of fun doing so. In fact, it was so much fun, that my wife joined in on it! This is a MUST READ!

Dumbasses and Their Texts – Not only do dumbasses do some really stoopid shit, they text some really stoopid shit, too. There are so many examples of dumbassery that I had to link to the source so you could read ’em all. Prepare to be be laughing your ass off.


If Your Baby Says “Yuck”, He’s a Raaaaacist!– I put this in here in “honor” of the pencil dick commenter  in “The Ice Kream Klan” story who thought he was being so brave by taking me on in a battle of the Dumbasses. The babies that say “yuck” are obviously of Southern Heritage, as no self-respecting Yankee baby would ever say “yuck”.

Like I tell my kids, “That’s what’s on your plate, now eat it or don’t eat at all!”.

Have a great weekend y’all! And remember, you spell “raaaaacist” without 5 “a”s. Take it from a bigoted hick. And the Pencil Dick Commenter.

Dumbasses.

More "Dummies"! Outstanding Performance by a Dumbass While Texting

A Message for Dumbasses

Happy New Year, Dumbasses! 2012 is here and 2011 is a distant memory in the time/space continuum of life. Except for the Dumbasses. We still have more Fred G. Sanford Memorial You Big Dummy Awards to hand out! So let’s get started!

Yesterday we presented Dummies to some very worthy Dumbasses and today we have even more deserving Dumbasses waiting in the wings, or as we at Dumbass News call them, Port-o-Potties, to see which one of them will be the next Big Dummy!

Our first category today is Outstanding Performance  by a Dumbass While Texting! Yes, friends, even dumbasses have access to the latest technology, which should scare the hell outta all of us. A dumbass with a cell phone is not to be taken lightly. Unless you teach them to text. A texting dumbass will be behind bars (or dead) in the blink of an eye. That’s where this Dummy category comes in. You’ll understand more as I reveal the list of nominees for Outstanding Performance  by a Dumbass While Texting. 


Texting Dope Deals – The difference between a “regular” person text and a dumbass text is easy to understand. A “regular” person text will read something like: “Dinner at 6. Come by about 5:30″ and this text ends up on the right cell phone. Simple enough, huh? Not a for a dumbass it ain’t. A dumbass text goes like this: ‘We got some good coke. Come by 123 Main St. to get a few kilos”. This text ends up on the phone of ten year old boy! You know the kid. His Grandpa is a State Trooper! True story. Read it here.


Texts from Last Night – This is a Group Dummy Award, the first of its kind. The nominees are those whose texts have ended up on the website, Texts From Last Night.
There are some real dozzies over there and most of them are NSFW or safe for young kids. A sample text from TFLN? “I seriously found a rose petal in my vagina.” I ain’t makin’ this up. Oh! And that’s one of the more tame ones. Now I think you understand the nomination.

D. A. is for Dumbass You’d think a man in a position of Public Trust, such as a District Attorney, would know better than to use a cell phone (whose records can be traced in a matter of seconds!) for nefarious means. You’d be wrong if your DA was the DA for the Green Bay, Wisconsin area. Dude was caught sexting a woman who was the victim in a domestic violence case he was prosecuting! This is bad joo joo.

Our winner for  Outstanding Performance  by a Dumbass While Texting is…

The Dumbass D.A.!!! This man is a college educated, albeit he prolly got lawyered up at the U of Wisc-MadisonCommie-Pinko-Dipshit, man! The guy resigned right quick like. My question is this: Are these “sexts” a matter of public record? I’m just askin’.


Dumbass.

Dumbasses and Their Texts!

Use the Damn Phone!

Cell phones. Love ’em or hate ’em, they are here to stay. Sure they can ring at the most inopportune time when you forget to shut them off or set them for “vibrate’, but they are extremely useful gizmos in case of an emrgency or if your on the way home and the wife calls and asks you to stop by the local grocery store and pick up a loaf of bread. Cell phones can be extremely useful in solving crimes also. Just a couple of days ago we posted this story about a dumbass burglar whose cell phone lead to his eventual arrest. Even the good guys get busted via evidence on their cell phones. “Good guys” like this former District Attorney that was “sexting” a woman who was the victim of a sexual assault and he was prosecuting the case. That’s a big no-no. That’s why his title is now former D.A.

Texting is “the next big thing” and has been for a while. I really don’t get the whole texting craze is all about. I mean if you’ve got something to tell somebody why don’t you call them?! It’s a cell PHONE, for Pete’s sake! Dumbasses.

My whole rant above was about texting. There’s a website that lists texts submitted by readers and posts them on their web site, Texts from Last Night. The texts on the site are sometimes laugh out lous funny. many are made up, I’m sure, but they are still flat funny. Let me give you a Content Warning: Many of these texts are NSFW! Here’s a couple of examples from the front page.

Sample texts from Texts from Last Night :

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

I am not making this shit up. These are actual texts from the commenters at Texts From Last Night. I am obligated to warn you again, that some of the stuff you’ll see at TFLN is NSFW and just plain old nasty. Go ahead and click on over and see that dumbasses abound in our great country. It’s a helluva deal. Dumbasses.

Vexing Texting and Sexting

Cell phones. Love ’em or hate ’em, they are here to stay. Sure they can ring at the most inopportune time when you forget to shut them off or set them for “vibrate’, but they are extremely useful gizmos in case of an emrgency or if your on the way home and the wife calls and asks you to stop by the local grocery store and pick up a loaf of bread. Cell phones can be extremely useful in solving crimes also. Just a couple of days ago we posted this story about a dumbass burglar whose cell phone lead to his eventual arrest. Even the good guys get busted via evidence on their cell phones. “Good guys” like this former District Attorney that was “sexting” a woman who was the victim of a sexual assault and he was prosecuting the case. That’s a big no-no. That’s why his title is now former D.A.

Texting is “the next big thing” and has been for a while. I really don’t get the whole texting craze is all about. I mean if you’ve got something to tell somebody why don’t you call them?! It’s a cell PHONE, for Pete’s sake! Dumbasses.

My whole rant above was about texting. There’s a website that lists texts submitted by readers and posts them on their web site, Texts from Last Night. The texts on the site are sometimes laugh out lous funny. many are made up, I’m sure, but they are still flat funny. Let me give you a Content Warning: Many of these texts are NSFW! Here’s a couple of examples from the front page.

Sample texts from Texts from Last Night :

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

I am not making this shit up. These are actual texts from the commenters at Texts From Last Night. I am obligated to warn you again, that some of the stuff you’ll see at TFLN is NSFW and just plain old nasty. Go ahead and click on over and see that dumbasses abound in our great country. It’s a helluva deal. Dumbasses.