Category: Tofu

Organic Dumbass Romance

The internet has had an amazing effects on today’s society. Nowadays you can go online to pay bills, shop, do research, date and a thousand other things. I want to focus on the dating thing for today’s post. As you may or may not know, I met my wife online. 

Quick recap: we met in an AOL Chat Room , became friends, exchanged phone calls and one day I showed up here in Maine, not really knowing what to expect, but we ended up getting married and having a baby together. I have now been here for almost five years and everything is great.

In spite of the fact that the internet has changed, or added to, the way things are done, the old fashion meet and greet of the real world still is the way to go for most people. Most single people prefer the old fashioned way to seek a mate…face to face. And one of the staples of finding a partner is till going strong. I am talking of meeting in a supermarket. Nothing says I love you like when two people reach for the same cumquat, touch hands and feel the sparks between each other.

But some dumbasses go to specialty grocery stores to meet and seek love over the tofu. Rainbow Foods of Minneapolis, Minny-sota is a trend setter when it comes to such encounters. Should we call thee knot heads Organic Dumbasses? I dunno. A spokes-organic dumbass for the grocery retailer explains, “Several people make the same types of food, and you can have a conversation that’s not intimidating.” Here’s some more organic dumbassery for you, “said co-op shoppers are likely to make connections because they “know that (others) share some values … whether environmental or health or the treatment of animals.”

Tofu or Not Tofu, That Is the Question

I can see it now. Two  organic dumbasses are admiring the bean sprouts when one of them says, “Nice global warming we’re having today”.

Then the other organic dumbass responds, “Yes, it is. The Polar Ice Caps are melting at an alarming rate and soon sea levels will rise by 20 feet! How about you and I go for a latte sometime?” If I weren’t busy heaving up breakfast, I’d find that type of meeting as Gaia-inspired.

The conversation continues, “I hope these bean sprouts are from free range beans. I could never forgive myself if they weren’t.”

The response, “Ooooh, baby, you really curdle my soy milk when you talk like that. Let’s live in sin together!” An organic dumbass romance is born.

Kiss My Organic Ass

I don’t want to rag people because they share the same interests like global warming and tofu…as a matter of fact, I DO want to rag on them because they are organic dumbasses! On top of that, they are generally a bunch of condescending assholes who think they are better than their non-organic dumbass friends. So Gaia damn them all!

And kiss my organic ass.

Organic dumbasses.

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Spuds McDumbass

Breakfast

I am sitting here in my living room with my wife watching a DVR’ed  Dr. Phil show. The topic is very timely. The show’s about overeating and gaining weight during the holiday season. Millions of Americans will fight the Battle of the Bulge over the next few weeks as they visit Grandma’s house and eat. The in-laws’ house and eat. The kids’ house and eat. You get the picture. That’s just the nature of the beast at this time of year.

There’s a dumbass in Moses Lake, Washington that is the head of the Washington State Potato Commission. You are asking yourself, “Now, Toby, why would you just jump to the conclusion that the Head of the Washington State Potato Commission is a dumbass?” Fair question. I will now present to you conclusive evidence that this guy is a dumbass. Prepare to be amazed. Or nauseated. Or something.

The Head Spud Guy in Washington is named Chris Voigt. Chris recently took of the cause of defending and repairing the reputation of potatoes. Hey, he’s the Head Spud Guy, so it’s understandable why he’d do that. But, Chris the Head Spud Guy went a bit overboard in his efforts to de-demonize potatoes. How? Well, Chris went a on potatoes-only for 60 days! And he was mighty proud of the fact that he lost 17 pounds during his diet. Well, guess what, Chris, you dumbass? You could eat nothing but pork chops for two months and you’d still lose weight. 

Chris gave us this pearl of wisdom, “I’ve baked, boiled, broiled, fried, smashed and shredded potatoes.” He said he avoided all the add-ons that you’d normally put on taters including butter, sour cream and bacon bits. It seems that the “health conscious crowd”, or as I call them anorexic dumbasses, doesn’t like you to put butter, sour cream or bacon bits on your spuds. I say WHY? Chris, just look at the the dumbasses you are trying to prove wrong! They are going to die sick fuckers from not eating any of the good stuff! On the other hand, you will live longer than those “health conscious” assholes because you ate real food that nourished your body the way it needs to be nourished. Don’t get me wrong, I know that it’s not healthy to do anything in excess, however, doing nothing but eating tofu and bean sprouts ain’t gonna cut the mustard either. Put the “health conscious” crowd on a 60 day tofu-only diet and what would you get? A dead anorexic tofu-eating member of the “health conscious” crowd! Dumbasses.

I think I’ll head over to Wendy’s and get me a triple decker baconator and a baked potato with sour cream, lots of butter, cheese and bacon bits. Wanna join me, Chris? We can make fun of tofu eating anorexic dumbasses.