Category: Toilet Paper

A Criminal Mastermind with Bigguns

I grew up in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex, back in the days when Dallas and Fort Worth actually were not connected by suburbs that are now cities in their own right. Not that these cities weren’t cities before the Metroplex became home to about 7 million people. They were. But they were more like towns, places to grab a burger or take a pee break during the trip from Fort Worth to Dallas or vice versa. These days it’s difficult to tell one city from the next. It would be damn near impossible if it weren’t for city limit signs.
Understand, that I haven’t been home to DFW in several years, but other than massive population growth and new buildings, I’m pretty sure it is much the same as I left it – Urban Sprawl at Its Finest.

Even the formerly sleepy out of the way town of Colleyville has become a small city as compared to a spot in the road as I remember it. Colleyville is also a crime-infested hell hole. That is if you include the crime of a 41 year old woman leading a group of kids on a home vandalizing spree as a major crime, which in Colleyville it is.

The Crime Spree 

Mastermind with Bigguns

A group of girls were having a sleepover at a Colleyville house. A group of boys found out about it. This of course opens the door to mischief of all kinds, what with pre-teen and teen boys and all. In my adolescence, this was known as “Boys Being Boys When a Group of Young Cuties Had a Slumber Party”. So, the boys hatched a brilliant plan to “vandalize” the home where the girls were staying. The List of  “Vandalization” Tools included the obligatory 4 million rolls of toilet paper and the not-so-obligatory box of tampons amongst other things. In my day, a boy my age touching a box of tampons was akin to making out with the ugliest girl in school. Unless you were drunk, and these kids are way too young for that, it did not happen. Unless one of your buddies found out, then it happened.

The difference, besides the tampons, in this “T.P-ing” is that the group pf boys had a mastermind – the aforementioned 41 year old woman. This is uncool. Uncool because the broad is 41 and planning a Pre-Teen Yard Redecorating Party and uncool because no self-respecting 12 year old boy would enlist the help of an adult, especially a woman (sorry, ladies) to do something that comes so naturally to 12 year old boys. That is unless the woman was a hottie and/or promised to show you her knockers if she could be the Mastermind behind the shenanigans. In that case, she was an Instant Mastermind. A Stoopid Mastermind, but a Mastermind nonetheless.

The Story

From in Dallas, “A North Texas woman has been charged in an alleged neighborhood prank using raw chicken, mustard and peanut butter to cause $6,000 in damage.

Tara Mauney, of Colleyville, has been charged with felony criminal mischief in the July incident. She’s free on $7,500 bond.

The 41-year-old woman allegedly helped several middle school students buy toilet paper to litter a residence where some girls were having a sleepover. Mustard and peanut butter were smeared or used to write graffiti. Chicken was left in a mailbox.

Mauney allegedly posed for a photo with some youngsters at a store where police believe the purchases were made.

Police say no children have been charged but two boys have acknowledged taking part in the vandalism.

But wait! There’s more! “Mauney allegedly posed for a photo with some youngsters at a store where police believe the purchases were made.

Police say no children have been charged but two boys have acknowledged taking part in the vandalism.
According to a Tarrant County arrest affidavit, a homeowner in the 4600 block of Alexandra Drive in Colleyville called police to report the offense on July 25.
The officer found two raw chicken halfs in the mailbox; a toilet in the driveway near the front door with the words “suck it” written in Sharpie; more Sharpie writing on the home’s “exterior, light colored stucco walls” of phrases like “whore house,” “suck it” and “sluts.” 
The latter word was also written in mustard on the driveway and was dry by the time the officer arrived on scene. Peanut butter was smeared on pillars near the driveway. Tampons and sanitary napkins doused in ketchup were left in the driveway and front yard. 
Some of those were found stuck on the home’s front windows.

Now come the questions that demand answers.

  • Why would a 41 year old woman want to assist a group of boys in planning and executing such a midnight raid? Buy ’em the toilet paper, sure. But knowingly and willingly participate? Sheesh.
  • Surely the woman, or She With the Big Hammers as I like to call her, knew that she (and the boys) would be breaking the law.
  • Raw chicken? That’s disgusting. This alone takes this prank to another level. And it ain’t a good level either. Bitch.
  • Using Sharpies (or mustard, or anything) to write vulgar terms on the walls of the house is inexcusable. 
  • “Bloody” tampons? Seriously?
  • Did she show off her “assets”?
  • I hope it was worth it.

There are more questions to be asked for sure, but this bimbo should have never gotten involved in this teenage mischief in the first place. In the second place, she knew the boys were up to something and could have least given them some good sound advice on the “etiquette” of rolling a house. Raw chicken and “bloody” tampons cross the line. Period. No pun intended.

A Lot More

What could have and should have been a simple teenage prank turned into much more with the help of an irresponsible parent. The worst that should have come out of this ordeal was that the next day the kids who did the rolling came back to clean up the mess they made and perhaps learn a lesson. But noooooooooo!! Some Dumbass broad has to go through her second childhood and decide to “help” the boys be boys.

And now she is charged with a felony!

But she is a cutie. I wonder if the she has a nice rack? Maybe I could ask one of the Rollers. Or maybe not. That could be another felony-in-the-waiting.



The Three Ds: Dumbass, Disabled and Donate

You Can NEVER Un-see This

Where the hell has 2011 gone? This is the last weekend before Thanksgiving already. Damn. That means it’s about time to start thinking about the Dumbass of the Year for Dos Mil y Once. A little Meskin lingo there. Who says that dumbasses can’t be “cultured”? Don’t answer that question!

As a matter of fact, I just happen to have a few examples of Dumbass Culture right here! See the shit works out right. It has been a wacked out week not only for Dumbass News, but for your cute and cuddly Head Dumbass as well. I learned a few days ago that I am no longer able to be a productive member of society. As if I ever was a productive member of society. Ha! My doctor is a dumbass. He thought by telling me that I am medically unable to work anymore that I would no longer be a blight on civilization. Did I fool him or what? As long as I can type I will continue to be a Blight of the Highest Order on Civilization! bwahahahahahaha!! Boy, did I ever fool him.


To prove my point, I have gone back through the Dumbass News archives and come up with written proof that I am as big a pain in the ass to “polite society” (whatever the hell that is) as I have ever been! 

Serious Societal Blight  

  • Earlier this week, I came up with an ingenious Plan to End the War on Terror. Let me Warn You that this post is extremely crude and juvenile, as always, but even moreso than your “normal” crude and juvenile. It is NSFW or Kids! Heed those words or try to wiggle your way out of explaining to your six year old why terrorists like to have “relations” with donkeys. I’m just sayin’.
  • Man Has No Toilet Paper… Talk about a chapped ass. This dumbass has no TP in his motel room and he proceeds to go absolutely batshit crazy, doing over $2000 damage to the room. I wonder what he would’ve done if the motel staff forgot to put a little mint on his pillow. I shiver at the thought.
  • USF-Polytechnic This is a touching story of how university officials waste thousands of dollars on Star Wars statues instead of some more worthy academic venture – like free porn for all the fraternities on campus. Just imagine all the poor deprived biology majors who will be affected by this travesty! 

That’s what the week was like here at the Dumbass Dome. It could have been worse, but it could have been better if some of you dumbasses would hit the “Donate” button at the top of the right sidebar.  Do it for the students at USFP1 Do it for the guy who needs some toilet paper! But most of all, do it for your friendly disabled neighborhood blogging dumbass. My Mama will thank you for it.  🙂


    Man Has No Toilet Paper, Does $2000 Damage to Motel Room

    Motel to the Dumbasses

    You remember those TV commercials for Motel 6 that said “We’ll leave the light on for ya”? What a stupid damned campaign. The “leavin’ the light on for ya” part is cool. Catchy, memorable and annoying. The part of that ad campaign that bugs me is that the guy who did the voice over for them was from Alaska. Nothing against Alaska, it’s a place that has been blessed by Nature way yonder more than many places on Earth. Like New Jersey for instance. But let’s be real. First of all, how many Motel 6s are there in Alaska? I’ll tell you how many. One. That’s only one more than Madagascar for Pete’s sake! There four million Motel 6s throughout the rest of the country, why not use a voice over guy from Mississippi? Or North Dakota? Anywhere but Alaska. Or New Jersey. It’s a minor thing but it pisses me off. For Motel 6, I’ll leave the Dumbass on for ya. Idiots.

    As you may have deduced by now, or maybe not because you are a dumbass, today venture into Dumbassville takes us to a motel. There are no strippers or drugs involved, so this ain’t one of those stories.(Dammit) Most of us have stayed in a motel at some point or another, not only because we are cheap bastards, but for convenience. Convenience meaning “close to a liquor store”. That aside, we stay at a place like Motel 6 and don’t expect five star treatment. You sleep, you shower, you hit the road. Unless you run out of toilet paper. Like Dereck MacDonald. Evidently Dereck had to go Number 2 and discovered he was out of TP. Now, I know this can be a stressful situation, having just pinched a loaf and you have no way to get your ass clean. I think, however, most of us could improvise our way out of this type of thing leaving the head with a clean ass. After all, necessity is the Mother of invention.

    Dereck didn’t see things quite that way and he went apeshit (pun intended). He went on a rampage doing over two thousand dollars worth of damage to a $39.99 a night motel room. His ass still dirty, Dereck plugged up the commode, flushed it and a flood that would do Noah proud ensued. Then he proceeded to “redecorated” the like only a man with a doo doo packed ass can do. He might as well shit two grand, because he ain’t gonna make it up in jail at 38 cents a day. How the hell difficult would it be to call the front desk and say, “I have a dirty ass and no Charmin, could you please send housekeeping with some? Quilted Northern would be fine as well.”” For Dereck, $2000 worth of difficult. What a fucking maroon. Just a quick call and Dereck could have avoided this whole damn mess. The housekeeping people would have been more than happy to take Dereck some John Wayne toilet paper. John Wayne TP? It’s rougher than hell and don’t take any shit.

    Dirty ass and two large worth of damage and soon Dereck won’t need toilet paper. His ass will be cleaned by our adopted felon, Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams. I don’t think Dereck will ever bitch about TP again. But then again he is a …….