Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la.
Tis also the season to be a Dumbass.
Let me splain.
When I say “mayhem”, I am of course mean “rioting”. Have you seen some of the shit that happens when a mob of bargain-starved idiots converge upon a single place with each member of the savage throng clamoring for one of what is a limited number of the latest Sale of a Lifetime (!) item? The pushing, the shoving, the cussing, the crush of humanity….and that’s just the Little Old Ladies!
Don’t believe me? Here’s a video from the just-passed Black Friday where a large number of shoppers
go on a rampage share a common desire for a cell phone of which there is an inadequate supply.
I’d rather eat tofu wrapped in beef liver that’s been hermetically sealed in a Mason jar and exposed to the Texas sun for the entire month of July than to go through a scene like that.
I don’t like to shop. Especially at this time of year.
Saved by the Internet!
One of the beauties of the Triple W (that’s “www.” for the Yoopers in the audience) is that you can avoid holiday shopping crowds like a Liberal avoids logic by shopping online, right in the comfort of your own bathroom. Say what?
CashStar, which calls itself “a digital gifting and incentives partner for retailers”, spent a boatload of money for a survey seeking detailed information on people’s shopping habits. The survey revealed that almost 17 million people have shopped via a mobile device while standing in the retailer’s physical store; 9 million have secretly shopped while in a business meeting; and 4 million have shopped online while driving a car. While driving a car? Are you fucking kiddin’ me? That’s four million people who must, by coercion if necessary, be spayed or neutered, never to produce another human bean with that kind of DNA. I’m just sayin’.
The survey was conducted online nationwide by Harris Interactive on behalf of CashStar from Nov. 6-8, among 2,104 U.S. online adults ages 18 and older. The calculation was based on the U.S. Census Bureau’s 2011 Census, which estimates there are 237,744,632 million adults ages 18 and older residing in the United States.
You know what else was determined from this survey? That more than thirty-eight million of you have done some online shopping while sitting on the toilet! Shopping a load while dropping a load. Cell phones and iPads have replaced magazines as reading media of choice when it comes to taking a doo doo.
As a life-long magazine in the toilet kind of guy, I am saddened by this tragic turn of events.
Thirty. Eight. Million.
Public restrooms ain’t what they used to be. Hell, restrooms in general ain’t so hot these days.
Many years ago, Texaco used an advertising strategy that featured their always-clean johns. It was something the traveling public wanted, so Texaco gave it to ’em. When you are looking to buy a home, adequate “facilities” are near the top of the list of important features your new home must have. See where I am going with this?
These days, toilets in public places and businesses, even toilets in homes don’t always fall into a category that one might reasonably call sanitary or private. Port-o-potties? Don’t even get me going on those things. Dumbasses all over the country have taken to giving bath rooms a dirty name.
Remember the guy who did some doo doo diving in a portable toilet? There’s also the story of the shit for brains who ripped a toilet seat from its mounts and set out to murder another guy! Even the loo in the largest retailer in the world, WalMart, is not immune from dumbassery. What about when you go into the can to poop and there ain’t no toilet paper? That happened to a guy at a Motel 6 and he went on a destructive rampage!
Another Toilet Horror Story
At a JCPenney store in West Palm Beach, Florida, the Loss Prevention Officer at the West Palm Beach Store noticed the ceiling fan in the [ladies]bathroom was dislodged just after 9 a.m, Monday and a closer examination revealed a cellphone aimed toward the bathroom’s toilets was recording video!
Naturally the cops were notified and responded to the call.
When the cops got to JCPenney, the Loss Prevention Chick told them that she had a suspect in mind with regards to this incident. After a great deal of intensive detective-ing, the cops came up with a brilliant idea – go to the Personnel Department and review the suspect’s job application for some information that might help nab the bastard. Guess what they found on the job app? Yes! A cell phone number! They called it. The cell phone in the ladies’ room rang! Busted!
No El Got-o El Green Card-o
Further investigation revealed that the owner of the cell phone, Rafael Dieguez, was not Rafael Dieguez at all! He was actually Rafael’s brother, Marco Bartolon-Velasquez! But wait, there’s more! Marco Bartolon-Velasquez is…wait…for…it…an illegal alien!
Bartolon-Velasquez, who has been in the United States illegally for four years, said he was using his brother’s name for “employment purposes” and was using the cell phone cam to ensure that his fellow employees were doing their jobs properly. Har har.
Hold on, this gets even better.
The vato admitted to have been filming activity in the ladies’ room since last Christmas! He also stated to the police that he had never recorded anything in the mens’ room. I’ll bet.<—dripping with sarcasm
The pendejo was arrested and is awaiting trial… and prison bitchery.
No driver’s license for him!
Dumbass News Toilet Safety PSA
As we plow into the Christmas shopping season at breakneck speed, keep this story (and the stories at the links) in mind the next time you gotta take a whiz in the toilet of a fine retail merchant near you.
You never know what’s going on behind those doors.
Smile! You’re on Candid Camera!