|Dumbass Christmas Gift|
We are barreling towards Christmas Day like Rosie O’Donnell rolling down a mountain side, so as your humble Dumbass Public Servant, I am here to day to publicly serve you. As long as my wife doesn’t find out. I feel obligated to bring you the latest information on the dumbass toys that could find their way into your home this Yuletide Season. I have lived a pretty good life and have been lucky enough, or cursed by Satan, depending on your point of view, to have spent many Christmases around kids. From those experiences I have gleaned knowledge about children’s gifts that the average person only wishes he had. For example, I have expertly deduced that getting a Tonka Toy dump truck for a young lad is a great thing. Giving the little
turd tyke Spiderman underwear, on the other hand, is a dumbass idea from hell. How do you expect a little boy to rollick around in a good dirt pile and dig holes in it with Spiderman drawers? Trust me on this one. Dumbass.
Now for the Girls
Girls are pretty easy to buy for when they are young like my two daughters, who are 4 and 9. Barbie dolls, fake make up that ain’t so fake when it ends up on the walls or carpet of your house and anything else that is girly.
There is an exception to this rule for girls, however. It is a doll with a name so long I ain’t gonna type it out so I’ll just call it The Doll. This particular doll can be found at a very well-known toy store whose name I won’t print either, but it rhymes with ‘Roy Tars Russ”, IYKWIMAITYD. On the outside The Doll, a talking doll, looks just like any of the four million other dolls on the market, it’s what’s on the inside that separates this doll from all others. Pulling the string to make The Doll talk provides quite a surprise. Instead of saying cutesie things like “I love you Mommy” and “Daddy Sucks”, The Doll says “You crazy bitch”. Dumbasses would say, “what’s the big deal?”. Daddy says that to Mommy all the time. Especially when he drinks the stuff out of the bottle with the black and white label with a “7” on it. Non-dumbasses would be horrified to hear such language coming from a little girl’s toy. However, Daddy calling Mommy a crazy bitch is quite the norm in non-dumbass families too!!. Why? Because so many non-dumbass women are crazy bitches, that’s why! But, I digress.
The simple way to handle this problem is to not buy the damn doll! How fucking hard to figure out can that be? At least the stoopid toy doesn’t invite the kid to cut off Daddy’s gazebos while he’s sleeping, as is the wont of non-dumbass crazy bitches everywhere. Now if it said ‘You crazy fucking bitch”, these dolls would fly off the shelf like there was no tomorrow. Why, there would be lines of dumbasses and non-dumbasses alike stretching from New York to LA waiting to get there hands on this potty mouthed marionette. Can you spell “collectible”? I’m just sayin’.
So, lighten up, Francis and find something else to buy the little girls in your life. Like a Malibu Ho Barbie. See? There are alternatives to those nasty mouthed crazy bitch dolls some people try to push on our children. At the very least, doll makers could come up with a doll that mimics real life and real life situations. Make the dolls say something like, “Take Daddy a beer and cook his dinner, you moron!” or “Your ass is so big you’re gonna need to get a Zip Code for it”. See what I mean? Just normal, everyday phrases found in homes all around this country. What good is a doll that teaches our little girls nothing but naughty words instead of phrases of wisdom that come straight from common sense? I just don’t get it…..but I’m sure some of you crazy bitches do. 🙂