Dumbass News has gained
tens hundreds of new readers over the course of the last couple of months. This may come as a surprise to many of you, but it doesn’t surprise me at all. Do you realize how many Dumbasses there are in the world? Simple math, and a shit load of shameless blog pimpin’ on Twitter, dictate that this was bound to happen. Something about the law of supply and demand. The Good Lord supplies the Dumbasses and I demand that they read this blog. See? The shit works out right.
|I.D. the Dumbass Crook!|
Best of Dumbass News
Dumbass criminals are a dime a dozen these days. Everywhere you look, a dumbass criminal is sure to be nearby. Hey! That gives me an idea! My idea is a spin off of the old “Watching People at the Mall Game” or for brevity’s sake, WPMG. You can still play WPMG but while you’re doing it, you can add a whole new dimension to it. While playing WPMG, you can also play “Look for the Dumbass Criminal at the Mall Game”! That’s right, folks! You can take the WPMG one step further by trying to guess which dumbass in the mall is not just a dumbass at the mall, he’s also a dumbass criminal at the mall! What fun for the entire family! Not only will your family be having a great time together at the mall, but you’ll be doing a Public Service as well. By identifying a potential dumbass criminal, you’ll be helping local law enforcement to stop many crimes before they even happen! And to think that all this family fun time is absolutely FREE. A bargain at twice the price! Bwahahahahaha! Another benefit to WPMG and IDing dumbass criminals is that you can text your findings to all your friends! Or even post them to Twitter! Who knew that crime fighting and dumbass identifying would be such a rush?!
Here’s a helpful hint for you while playing WPMG and finding dumbass criminals, be sure to sit near the food court. Every dumbass in the mall and every dumbass criminal in the mall will, at the very least, pass by the food court. Location is a very important component to WPMG. You want to be a in target rich environment and the food court offers that and more! Also you’ll need to be inconspicuous while playing WPMG, so be sure to mix in with the mall crowd by ordering a slice of pizza or a big tub of popcorn while dumbass criminal IDing.
I’m sure that in all the excitement of writing about WPMG and dumbass criminals, I forgot some help hints to pass along to you, but at least you have the basics down, and that’s what’s important. So, good luck in your WPMG and dumbass criminal identification! Your country is calling on you!
Two things up front.
- Today’s story is sickening. Not sickening like each of the other over 800 Dumbass News posts, I mean nauseatingly, projectile pukingly sickening. You have been warned.
- If the woman in this story isn’t named the winner of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award for 2013, I’ll kiss your ass in the middle of downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd.
Let the stomach churning begin!
Not Reality, Actuality
I have mentioned on at least one occasion that I am a big fan of reality TV. A couple of my Tru TV favorites include Lizard Lick Towing and Hardcore Pawn. I also like the shows where people buy shit from abandoned storage units and all the ones that are about people who live in the swamps. Oh, yeah, and the shows that feature a bunch of Dumbasses digging for gold. Nothing says I have the same I.Q. as a United States Senator like a group of guys who spend their “life savings” to run off to Alaska searching for the Mother Lode. What are the odds of these maroons striking it rich? One in a gazillion, give or take a billion? Adios “life savings”. Quick question: if the guys in the Digging For Gold Shows invest every last nickel they have in mining for gold and they recover only enough gold for a pair of earrings, how in the name of the 49ers do they have the capital to return for a second season? Also: How do their families back in the Lower 48, whom the guys leave behind for 4 or 5 months at a time while they dodge hungry grizzly bears and horny moose in Alaska, survive? I mean the families have got to, you know, eat and shit.
Actuality my ass.
The Purr-fect Dumbass
My Twitter Buddy Stoo, via Gawker.com, sent me this:
It was inevitable that Lisa would one day end up on the Internet, with her unique spin on what it means to be a crazy cat lady. She is like light to the dark of that Hoarders subject who kept her dead cats in the fridge. Lisa eats cat hair. She finds it all over her apartment, which must be as wonderful and fuzzy as finding chewed gum all over your apartment if you are a regular person who doesn’t eat cat hair. She prefers it from the source, though: “The best ones are right off the cat,” she explains. Freshness is key, obviously.
Lisa has been made to talk all about her taste for cat hair by being profiled by TLC’s My Strange Addiction, the apotheosis of that channel’s lighter-side-of-freakishness programming ethic. Lisa describes the “comforting feeling” of chewing on cat hair and while she says that stroking her cat with her tongue is a bonding experience, she and her cat aren’t going all the way — Lisa explains, “I’m not lickin’ her butt.” Yet.
- Lisa also has the I.Q. of a United States Senator (see above). A Democrat, of course.
- Yes, there’s a video.
- I can go to my grave a happy and complete man knowing that cat hair straight off the cat is much tastier than cat hair scraped off the sofa.
- I’d much rather get a “comforting feeling” chewing on a coca leaf. Or a tire iron.
- What channel number is TLC on Time Warner Cable?
- Lisa needs to be institutionalized.
- Lisa needs to be spayed.
- After reading this, I may start drinking again.
- My Twitter Buddy Stoo is a sick fucker.
- This story is the cat’s meow.
- I feel sick to my stomach.
- Where’s the Pepto Bismol?
***Photo from Gawker.com***
Best of Dumbass News
I wrote this post on September 5, 2011. Nothing has changed. Except the date. So keep this as a reminder of what Liberal asshats think of “ordinary” Americans.
Then get mad and stay mad.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how New York City Mayor Michael “I am a Liberal Elitist Douchebag” Bloomberg excluding the true heroes of 9/11 from the 10th Anniversary Remembrance ceremony of that horrible day. Just when you think mayor Bloomingasshole can’t become more of a dickweed than he already is, he proves us wrong.
Mayor Pendejo has even drawn laughs of derision from Spanish speaking New Yorkers. Rachel Figueroa-Levin (does that name remind anyone else of Juan Epstein?) has created a Twitter account, El Bloombito, that mocks and ridicules El Bloombito (The Little Bloom…bwahahahahahaha) and his attempts at pandering to the beaners, spics, wetbacks, pick a slur, in The Manzana Grande (Big Apple). This is how Hizonner looks upon the Latinos in his own city, as second rate people and second class citizens who need his Divine Guidance to understand that a hurricane is on the way. El Bloombito doesn’t do anything without expecting something in return, so his clusterfuck of an attempt at Spanish is just another in a long line of efforts to suck up to a particular group of potential voters. See the link in the first line of this post. He has already thrown the first responders of 9/11 under the bus to curry favor with the goat fuckers with whom he does bidness. You know who I’m talking about. “Middle Easterners”. And I don’t mean the Jews, of which he is one. Money and control are the only things El Bloombito understands. Loyalty and doing the right thing are foreign concepts to this power-hungry JINO. By the way, we are talking hundreds of millions of dollars of bidness the Maricon in Chief of NYC does with these cretins.
As you have seen, Michael Bloomberg is a small man in more than just stature. He looks down on his “inferiors” with disdain and contempt, which is the trademark of a Liberal Elitist Snob Douchebag Pencil Neck Geek With More Money Than Integrity or Brains.
Hey, Bloombito, I am one of your worst nightmares…a Texan, Catholic White Guy who just happens to speak pretty fluent Spanish. You have for the last time offended a group of people whom you see as nothing more than the trash in your waste basket. I know their culture, lifestyle, traditions and language. they won’t take such insults layin’ down. they may not understand English as well as you or I, but I can tell you what, asshole, they know an insult when they see one…in any language. So fuck you.
Dumbass News has gained
Attention Dumbasses around the World! The moment you both have been waiting for is here! Despite the public outcry and against the advice of the Dumbass News legal staff, Dewey, Cheatum and Howe (Home Office, Tijuana, Baja Califonia, Mexico), It is now time to announce the “winner” of the very first Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award! What an occasion! What an extravaganza! What a steaming pile!
This was one of the most difficult projects that I have ever undertaken while sober. The mere volume of posts featuring some of the most mentally challenged people on Earth in and of itself was a bit overwhelming. Having to decide which dumbass is worthy of such a prestigious honor as the Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award was a responsibility I did not take lightly. How could I take it lightly? I was fucking sober for Gawd’s sake! I was that serious about this thing. Of course if I had been blasted it would have been much more enjoyable, but I am reformed Professional Drinker, so that was out of the question. A little “Latin Lettuce” on the other hand….:)
The Final Four
Once I got through the over 400 dumbasses to choose from, the following four stood on their own merits as head and shoulders above the rest. Not so coincidently, each of the four were among the most-read posts of 2011. If you folks weren’t dumbasses I’d swear you knew what you doing in making them so popular. But you are and I won’t. Dumbasses.
The Last Dumbasses Standing are…
Courtney Love – For snorting Kurt Cobain’s cremated remains when a good line of cocaine would have been much more rewarding. Stoopid bitch.
Dwarf Tossers – Dwarf tossers are the backbone of American Dumbassery. They are living proof that this country is all about having the right to not only become filthy rich and a dumbass, but also the right to be as big a dumbass as you can possibly make yourself. This is what separates us from European Pussy Dumbasses, Muslim Extremists and Commies. God bless America!
Five Day Cell Phone Guy – This guy spent five days “stranded” on an island off the California coast with his cell phone and a strong connection to a near-by cell tower without once trying to use his phone to call for help. Until the fifth day!
Assault With Deer Antlers – A touching romantic story about a couple of dumbasses that get into a fight and the dumbass lady ends up trying to gore the guy with a mounted deer head. I think they are from my wife’s side of the family. Yankees are weird like that. I’m just sayin’.
The Big Moment!
Can I have a drum roll please?!! It is with great pleasure , reverence for the late Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) and deep humility, not to mention a couple of shots of Nyquil because my wife gave me the flu, I am happy to announce the winner of the Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award for 2011!!! The winner iiiiissssssssss…….
….Five Day Cell Phone Guy!!!! (wild applause and the sound of tops being screwed off of cheap wine bottles everywhere) Was there ever any doubt that the outcome would be anything but what it is? Hell no!! Any dumbass that is on an island with a cell phone and a good, strong signal and doesn’t think to try the phone to call for help for five days is the Dumbass of the Year every year in my book.
So congratulations Five Day Cell Phone Guy, and find a special spot on your fireplace mantle for the “You Big Dummy” trophy and soak up all the glory you so richly deserve as the winner of such a life changing honor. You have truly shown the world what being a dumbass is all about. And believe me my friend, you are a Dumbass with a capital “D”.
I look forward to hearing from you soon, Five Day Cell Phone Guy. Call me when you have the time between network TV and national radio show interviews. I am sure you have a good signal on your iPhone. I just thought I’d save you a few days by telling you that.
Of the Year.