Category: Uncategorized

High School Baseball Coach of the Year!

My husband, Bobby coaches the Varsity fall ball baseball team for Forney High School. Bobby came home from his game last night and I’ve never seen him on such a high. You see there is a kid with disabilities they call ‘Razz’ on there that the boys love and he is a part of the team. He doesn’t get to play much but just being a part of the team is a thrill for him. This kid is pure heart, the kind of heart Bobby wishes all his boys had.

Last night before the game, Bobby asked Razz if he could pitch. Razz said, “Coach, I got a fastball, a slider and a curve!” Bobby just smiled and said, “That will work” and told the team as soon as they got a good lead, Razz was going into pitch. His eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning and his teammates came thru for him scoring lots of runs. So there was Razz warming up every inning waiting to get his turn at pitching, finally Bobby told him Razz you are going in the 3rd inning.

The 3rd inning comes and sure enough Razz heads to the mound to pitch. Would you believe the very first batter he strikes out!! The crowd and teammates go crazy cheering and ends up only having to pitch to 4 more batters before getting 3 outs! He runs off the mound with a huge smile while his teammates go nuts, surrounding him, jumping and screaming in excitement for him. Bobby said it was the single, greatest coaching moment he has ever experienced.

He said after the game, he gave the game ball to Razz. He said the excitement and smile on his face was like he had won the World Series. I love this man! The passion he has for coaching these kids and seeing them succeed just melts my heart. But more importantly to hear countless stories on teenage suicides and bullying on the news, to finally hear a story of love, compassion and acceptance from a group of teenage boys could sure teach a lesson to a lot of teenage kids out there. Because on one night on October 23, 2013, it was definitely Christmas morning for a very special kid, his teammates and one really big hearted coach!

Mrs. Fearless Leader to Have Surgery

Dear Dumbasses,

Circumstances here at the Dumbass Dome dictate that I take some time off.

My wife is due to have surgery in a few days and there’s a lot that needs to be done around the Dome before that happens. She’ll be out of commission for a couple of weeks meaning that I will be doing the Dreaded Double Parent Duty until she is back on her feet.

But fear not! I will be posting Best of Dumbass News every day until my return. I shall try to find time to write some new stuff as well, but that depends on what’s going on around here. Remember, besides caring for my wife, I have 10 year old and 5 year old daughters to look after, so my hands will be pretty full.

There is, however, plenty of flat funny Dumbass News in the blog archives to keep you occupied, so be sure to look them over! You can find the archives by scrolling down and locating them in the left hand sidebar. So, please visit early and visit often!

Thank you all for your continued support. I am grateful for it and humbled by it.

Hasta la vista,
Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

September 11, 2001 – Never Forget & Never Forgive

Heroes

This is my annual September 11 post that I wrote on 9/11/2010. I will repeat it as often as it takes until we rid the World of the camel fucking sons of pigs that seek to destroy us. Never forget. Never forgive. 

WARNING: THIS POST IS FULL OF ADULT LANGUAGE. If you are easily offended, DO NOT READ THIS!. Consider your self warned.

Where were you when the world stopped turnin’ that September day… I was at work and for some inexplicable reason, I was there about two hours early. I had already grabbed the Dallas Morning News and was reading the Sports section. With the TV at the bar tuned in to Fox News Channel, I just happened to look up and read the crawl across the bottom of the screen. The first plane had hit the North tower of the World Trade Center. My first thought was that the pilot of the jet had a heart attack or something. Then the second plane struck the South tower. It was at that point that I knew this was much more serious than someone having a heart attack. This was an attack OK, a cowardly attack on thousands of Americans, innocent people, just doing what they do every day, an attack on my country! The second that the plane blasted into the South tower, I knew it was an act of terrorism. The United States was effectively in a state of war. The worthless bastards that perpetrated this horrendous murder of almost 3000 American citizens had, by their actions, made it so. President George W. Bush made it all but official a short time later when he addressed the people of New York City that this was indeed an act of war. A few weeks later, we let those Islamic assholes in Afghanistan know that the United States of America meant business. That was when our President was a real man, unlike the pussy occupying the White House now. Hundreds of New Yorkers were killed on impact and dozens more decided it would be better to leap to their deaths than to be incinerated in the inferno of the WTC. The rage within me grew more intense with each innocent human being that was forced by the goat fucking Islamist sons of bitches to make a sudden die by fire or die by jumping out a window 1000 above the ground decision. My hatred for those pedophile “prophet” worshippers was boiling inside me like the towers that burned before me eyes. To this day, that feeling of hatred, pure fucking hatred for those cocksuckers simmers just below the surface. I hope God will forgive me some day, but I cannot yet bring myself to forgive those barbarians. These motherfuckers not only viciously murdered 3000 men and women, but they had forever changed the lives of tens of thousands more family members and friends of the dead, so I hope they all burn in hell for eternity. They are beyond redemption and deserve the endless torment of the fiery lake of Hades, so fuck them with the barbed cock of Satan, their true master. If that makes me a bigot, then so be it, I am a bigot. Their so called “holy book”, the Koran, commands people (and I use that term loosely) like them to slaughter the Infidel simply because he/she is not a Muslim. The Koran compels them to do this kind of shit, like flying jets into buildings, so the name of Allah will be glorified. Are you fucking kidding me? From newadvent.org (The Catholic Encyclopedia) I found this:”The Koran contains dogma, legends, history, fiction, religion and superstition, social and family laws prayers, threats, liturgy, fanciful descriptions of heaven, hell, the judgment day, resurrection, etc. — a combination of fact and fancy often devoid of force and originality. The most creditable portions are those in which Jewish and Christian influences are clearly discernible.” Legends, fiction and superstition, huh? Sounds like an Oliver Stone movie. I don’t know about this Allah asshole, but the one true God that I worship tells me that I must treat others as I want to be treated, not to slay innocent human beings for not being a Christian in order to bring glory to God. As for the other billion plus idiots that follow this cult called Islam, if you believe the same absurd shit that the nineteen hijackers of 9/11 did, then I have no use for you either. You are breathing my air, so stay the fuck away from me. I will not discriminate against you, but I want nothing to do with your sorry asses until you repudiate Islam and the violence and bigotry inherent to it. Until then, kiss my ass. Islam is not a religion, it is an ideology. A political ideology.True religions dictate that you show kindness, mercy, compassion and charity to your fellow man, not slice his head off for merely being a non-Muslim. True religions call for forgiveness of our transgressors, not the brutal stoning or hanging of someone who “offends” your twisted view of spirituality and worship of whatever you assholes worship, like that stupid fucking rock in Mecca or whichever God-forsaken third world sewer of a city you call Muslim “civilization”. Defending your “religion” is one thing, but the wholesale murder of innocent men, women and children to show the rest of the world that they are “infidels” is beyond repulsive, it is degrading to God and his children. Americans don’t cotton to the kind of vile behavior you proclaim in the name of Allah and we will not stand still for that kind of shit! We will slap a missile from a Predator drone up your worthless asses and not think twice about it. You asked for war, then dammit we’ll give a fucking war, dickweeds. When we kick the slimy America-hating, steaming pile of camel dung that we call a President out of the White House and get a man or woman that loves this country like the average Citizen does, you’d better have more than Allah to protect your sorry souls, because there will be no place to hide. We will show no mercy in tracking you down like the pigs you are and ask you exactly once if you want to surrender. If your answer is “no”, then we will happily and without giving it a second thought to it, dispatch you to the 72 virgins you so naively believe to be waiting for you in “Paradise”.  We have sent our sons, fathers, daughters and even mothers to find and kill you bastards. Thousands of them gave their lives so the United States will be free of murderous lunatics like you, and thousands more volunteer every day to pick up where the fallen left off. America is not afraid of you. We stand vigilant, eyes and ears wide open, so we may detect you and will do whatever is needed to stop you before you commit more atrocities against our Citizens. We ain’t scared, assholes. You may succeed in your homicidal mission from time to time, but rest assured, the every day American you seek to intimidate, will not cower to you and your deadly intentions. We will, however, happily and with extreme prejudice blow your evil carcass to Kingdom Come when it becomes necessary to the plot. We, as Americans, owe that much to the 3000 innocents you killed at the World Trade Center and to the thousands of our young men and women who perished in the line of duty when sent to defend the United States from deranged motherfuckers like you. In the words of Todd Beamer, a passenger on Flight 93, which crashed in a Pennsylvania field, “Let’s roll”. Simply put, send your soul to Heaven because your asses are ours. AMF – Adios Mother Fuckers, have a nice day. 

I will never forget nor will I ever forgive!

God bless America!

Underwear as a Bank Robbing Tool!

Bank Robber Camo

Criminals are, by definition, dumbasses. Out of the billions of crimes committed around the world each day, when was the last time you heard of the “perfect crime”? Yeah, I know that against all odds some crooks get away with their crimes. The “not quite so perfect crimes” are ones where the bad guys get away with their misdeeds for a number of years, then one day the FBI knocks on their door and Freedom ain’t so free any more.

I mean I can understand the fact that some idiot robs a 7-11 and gets away with it. Look at who works at a 7-11 these days – guys from Calcutta named “Bruce”. No offense to guys from Calcutta named Bruce, but sometimes these fellows are new to our country and things between them and the cops can get lost in the translation.

This Ain’t a 7-11

One crime that so many dumbasses attempt and think they can get off Scot Free is bank robbery. I have never understood this train of thought. Banks in the USA are probably the most surveilled locations in the world. I have seen banks whose structure was a mobile home. I don’t know how common this is in 49 states, but I do know that in my home state of Texas, some very small towns actually have a bank housed in a mobile home. I ain’t kiddin’.

Regardless, even these mobile home banks have very modern security systems. Just like any other bank, there are video cams every two feet overlooking every square inch of the place with the exception of the toilet.

So why would some dipshit think that he could rob a bank, move to Belize and live out his days on his ill-gotten gains? I just don’t get it, yet every day some dumbass robs a bank thinking he’ll be the first ever to elude the law. A safer bet would be that a Britney Spears marriage lasts a full week.


Skid Marks on the Disguise

Down in the Florida Keys, where the lifestyle is, how shall we say, “laid back”, some stoned dumbass thought that it would be a really good idea to rob a bank. Aside from the fact that robbing a bank pisses off the best law enforcement people in the world (see:FBI, Dept of Treasury, etc), even if this shit for brains had the perfect plan, he was robbing a bank on an island! The word “island” to me indicates that the land the bank is located on is surrounded by water. I could be wrong, but in this case, I think I’m spot on.

You may, as I do when I learn of a story like this one, what exactly does a bank robber in the FLA Keys were for a disguise when he commits his felonious act? My first inclination is to think that he wears a Jimmy Buffett mask but that’s just too passe for The Keys. My second choice for a bank robbing disguise in the Keys is ….underwear! this is a perfect ruse. Nobody in the Keys wears underwear, so chances are that a bank teller would freak out at the sight of some Fruit of the Looms.

A Note for the Teller 

The would-be felon did indeed go into the bank with underwear on his head and all intentions of ripping it off, going so far as to hand the teller a note saying, and I quote, “Give me what are the 20 and 50s”. it is now clear why the draws (underwear) on the head trick wasn’t such a big deal. While brilliant, the dumbass could have walked into the bank with a poster of his ID on it and not a soul would have noticed. The note he gave the teller fucked up the whole deal. The poor teller didn’t know whether to shit or go blind. Instead, she laughed. A lot. OK, I made the laughing part up, but would it surprise you if the teller fell over from laughing so hard and she had an aneurism?

You know what’s even better about this entire robbery? The teller was so confused by the note that the bad guy just gave up, turned around and split the scene. bwahahahahahahahaha!!! He was busted a few minutes later sans draws and now is serving time with a prison full of Florida Keys Homos that want to “drill baby drill”.

The next question would be, “Boxers or briefs?”. I’m just sayin’.

Dumbass.