Category: Underwear Bomber

New Bank Robbery Tool; Underwear on the Head!

Bank Robber & Homo Faves

Criminals are, by definition, dumbasses. Out of the billions of crimes committed around the world each day, when was the last time you heard of the “perfect crime”? Yeah, I know that against all odds some crooks get away with their crimes. The “not quite so perfect crimes” are ones where the bad guys get away with their misdeeds for a number of years, then one day the FBI knocks on their door and Freedom ain’t so free any more.

I mean I can understand the fact that some idiot robs a 7-11 and gets away with it. Look at who works at a 7-11 these days – guys from Calcutta named “Bruce”. No offense to guys from Calcutta named Bruce, but sometimes these fellows are new to our country and things between them and the cops can get lost in the translation.

This Ain’t a 7-11

One crime that so many dumbasses attempt and think they can get off Scot Free is bank robbery. I have never understood this train of thought. Banks in the USA are probably the most surveilled locations in the world. I have seen banks whose structure was a mobile home. I don’t know how common this is in 49 states, but I do know that in my home state of Texas, some very small towns actually have a bank housed in a mobile home. I ain’t kiddin’.

Regardless, even these mobile home banks have very modern security systems. Just like any other bank, there are video cams every two feet overlooking every square inch of the place with the exception of the toilet.

So why would some dipshit think that he could rob a bank, move to Belize and live out his days on his ill-gotten gains? I just don’t get it, yet every day some dumbass robs a bank thinking he’ll be the first ever to elude the law. A safer bet would be that a Britney Spears marriage lasts a full week.

Skid Marks on the Disguise

Down in the Florida Keys, where the lifestyle is, how shall we say, “laid back”, some stoned dumbass thought that it would be a really good idea to rob a bank. Aside from the fact that robbing a bank pisses off the best law enforcement people in the world (see:FBI, Dept of Treasury, etc), even if this shit for brains had the perfect plan, he was robbing a bank on an island! The word “island” to me indicates that the land the bank is located on is surrounded by water. I could be wrong, but in this case, I think I’m spot on.

You may, as I do when I learn of a story like this one, what exactly does a bank robber in the FLA Keys were for a disguise when he commits his felonious act? My first inclination is to think that he wears a Jimmy Buffett mask but that’s just too passe for The Keys. My second choice for a bank robbing disguise in the Keys is ….underwear! this is a perfect ruse. Nobody in the Keys wears underwear, so chances are that a bank teller would freak out at the sight of some Fruit of the Looms.

A Note for the Teller 

The would-be felon did indeed go into the bank with underwear on his head and all intentions of ripping it off, going so far as to hand the teller a note saying, and I quote, “Give me what are the 20 and 50s”. it is now clear why the draws (underwear) on the head trick wasn’t such a big deal. While brilliant, the dumbass could have walked into the bank with a poster of his ID on it and not a soul would have noticed. The note he gave the teller fucked up the whole deal. The poor teller didn’t know whether to shit or go blind. Instead, she laughed. A lot. OK, I made the laughing part up, but would it surprise you if the teller fell over from laughing so hard and she had an aneurism?

You know what’s even better about this entire robbery? The teller was so confused by the note that the bad guy just gave up, turned around and split the scene. bwahahahahahahahaha!!! He was busted a few minutes later sans draws and now is serving time with a prison full of Florida Keys Homos that want to “drill baby drill”.

The next question would be, “Boxers or briefs?”. I’m just sayin’.



Dumbass Underwear Bomber Is a Dumbass Lawyer, Too

Splodey Dope

There’s an old saying that goes like this: “he who is his own lawyer has a dumbass for a client”, or something like that. This old adage applies doubly to the so-called “Underwear Bomber”, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who from this point on we’ll simply call Umar, or dumbass, as they are interchangeable. You remember this guy, don’t you? He’s the dumbass that tried to blow up an airplane headed for Detroit last Christmas Day with explosives in his Fruit of the Looms! See? I told you that “Umar” and “dumbass” are interchangeable. At a pre-trial hearing Umar chose to represent himself in court. Nothing says dumbass quite like a terrorist who tries to ‘splode a plane with TNT in his draws to get his 72 raisins (or is that virgins?) and then goes on to be his own lawyer in a trial that could end up with him being Leon’s prison bitch for the rest of his life and then on to Hell where he gets cornholed by Satan and his demonic minions for eternity.Slick move, ExLax.

Umar is from Nigeria, the ‘Splodin’ Underwear Capital of the World and a global leader in the exportation of dumbasses. Umar is also a black man and a Muslim. Regarding his race and religion, I don’t care if was a green Amish-Catholic-Baptist, I bring those facts up for a couple of reasons. Where the hell are Jesse Jackson and/or Al Sharpton and/or the Council on American Islamic Relations? Or Johnny Cochran? Oh, wait, Johnny’s in the Big Court Room in the Sky, so scratch him off the list. This guy, Umar, on the surface, is guilty as sin. The guy was caught, er, red handed with his crotch on fire when his bomb failed to ‘splode. All these dumbasses, except CAIR, stood by OJ Simpson and screamed racism when they knew that bastard was guilty as hell. I guess there aren’t enough white guys in Detroit to blame for this blatant bigotry. Heh.

I’d like to wish Umar a nice stay in the Federal lockup where some of the first English words he’ll learn are “You dropped the soap, Umy-poo.” and “squeal like pig, bitch”, or to be more tolerant since Umy-poo is a Moose limb, “squeal like a billy goat”. I forgot pork isn’t halal, or lawful, to Moose limbs. Dumbasses.